Anybody not want husband/partner at the birth?

[BekahMomToOliver]

I'm not quite sure what's the best/most fair thing to do in our current situation, so I'm just looking for some feedback from anybody willing to listen, really.
My husband and I have been having alot of marriage trouble lately. He's not abusive or anything like that, but we have both changed alot since the birth of our son, and have become very different people with very different priorities. Our marriage is not a happy one, and we are probably going to seperate sometime in the very near future.
This baby was a surprise. H is really not very good with babies. He's barely shown any interest in this pregnancy and I'm basically a single parent to our son. As a result, I've built a new support network within my family and my parents and sisters (and their children) play a huge role in our lives.
As a result, I'm considering not having my husband around for the birth of this child, but I'm conflicted about this.
During my labour with DS, H went to bed in the early morning as my labour started and left me to it. Fortunately, I had the wonderful support of my mom and sisters as well as my midwives, and by the time H woke up around noon I was in transition. He joked to the midwives about thinking he had "slept through it all". For the rest of my labour H did very little in terms of support (a few hip squeezes, my mom and sister were my support), and DS was born a couple hours later. My sister stayed with me and cuddled my son and I while I was stitched up. H had gone out for takeout.
He didn't really play any kind of role in DS's life until he was about 1 year old, and even now it's marginal.
So, with this baby, considering all the negative energy between H and I right now and the fact that he's obviously not interested in supporting me during labour and birth or in the baby, I'm considering not having him there at all. I don't want the negativity and anger I feel for him right now to interfere with the energy at the birth. I have alot of great labour/post-partum support lined up (my mom, 2 sisters, and a very close female friend).
But there is a part of me who still feels he 'deserves' to see his child enter the world. Part of me hopes it might change something in him.
We've discussed this and he keeps changing his mind. Sometimes he offers to take care of DS elsewhere and come home with him afterwards. One time he told me he was excited and wanted to be there for the birth. I don't really know what he wants.
Any advice? Suggestions? I keep wanting to ask my midwives but I don't trust myself not to turn into a tearful blithering mess. They don't even know we're having trouble.
Anybody out there ever make this choice?

[BeckyBird]

I believe you should do whatever YOU feel is comfortable and right. You are the one who will go through the labor, and you ultimately will know what feels best.

I have asked my husband to Not watch the birth of our baby. He does not like watching birth videos, so I don't want to "traumatize" him by watching our birth. Also, it is kind of embarrassing for me to, let go I guess, so I would not feel comfortable groaning and pushing in front of him anyways. I think laboring around him will be fine, but the pushing stage...no way!

So, you can add me to your list, of women who don't want their husbands to be there during the birth!

[Beccadoula]

I suggest that you find a really good doula - one who really thinks it is important to get the dad involved. Most men will tend to unplug in a situation that is emotionally too intense for them - birth is often on the list. What doula does is take the edge off that intensity and at the same time she helps him get involved by making suggestions and helping him understand how vital he is to the birth. As a doula myself, I work very hard to get my client's husband's/boyfriends extremely involved because they tend to be better, more connected fathers if they are. AND - when it is all said and done it is also a good idea to have him hold the baby against his bare chest - skin to skin. This is another really special thing that can help produce a strong bond between father and child. In the end, you have to do what is going to be best for you...and only you can decide what that will look like. Best wishes!!!

[fwlady]

Originally Posted by gentlehandsdoula

I suggest that you find a really good doula - one who really thinks it is important to get the dad involved. Most men will tend to unplug in a situation that is emotionally too intense for them - birth is often on the list. What doula does is take the edge off that intensity and at the same time she helps him get involved by making suggestions and helping him understand how vital he is to the birth. As a doula myself, I work very hard to get my client's husband's/boyfriends extremely involved because they tend to be better, more connected fathers if they are. AND - when it is all said and done it is also a good idea to have him hold the baby against his bare chest - skin to skin. This is another really special thing that can help produce a strong bond between father and child. In the end, you have to do what is going to be best for you...and only you can decide what that will look like. Best wishes!!!

I think this is a VERY good idea. It is possible that because you had so much support last time, that he felt superfluous, that it is a woman's domain, or that you didn't WANT him there. He probably would not voice this to you, because he is a man. I know this isn't true about all men, but many don't want to let their guard down.

I think that it would be very positive to drag him to drs appts (if you have back up care), ask him if he wants to catch or tend your son while you are in labor, etc. He may not request this, afraid that you wouldn't want him to do that. This could change your marriage around. I don't want to get your hopes up for that, but you haven't separated yet, and there is still time to see if he can become more involved. If the doula helps with this, then even better. He may be more responsive to someone that doesn't live with him day in and day out.

My DH doesn't do birth either. He would rather sleep through it, and tends to sleep during some or all of it. He doesn't feel he has the "dr experience" and that it is a woman's thing. He wants the babies cleaned up to hold them, although he got stuck with a "dirty" baby on our 5th and 7th. LOL He IS a wonderful father. I know he would rather do something else than be at the birth, and I do get other support at times. But, if he WASN'T there, I think he would have a hard time connecting with the babies, and he wouldn't be who he is today. My MIL loves birth, and would have LOVED to come help me while he watched our children at her house. But, I think that would have alienated him more.

Of course, do what you feel is best (that probably goes unsaid), but I am telling you, it was very much worth MAKING him be there. Kymberli

[tireesix]

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't tell my DH this.

First births.

Number 1 - induction, 12 hours and painful until the second epidural.

Number 2 - homebirth, 12 hours of lots of pain and things not feeling right.

My last birth, 6 hours, not much pain. Fantastic, however, DH wasn't there, he missed it. He really wanted to be there but I made him sleep through some of it, then he went for a bath to freshen up and baby appeared.

There were a lot of factors that were different in that last birth really, I wasn't as weighty, I had been exercising throughout the pregnancy, there weren't any MWs there (they were late also), but, I REALLY feel that not having DH around helped me feel a lot more able to just get on with it with out him worrying etc. (All that said, if I were to have more children, which I won't, I would still ask for DH to be there because he WANTS to be there, and I love him and even though the last birth went really well without him, I still regret him not being there, but your situation is different and you may just end up regretting having your DH there, my DH = labour support, your DH = non labour support, possible hindrance).

Who knows?

So, if you don't want him there, don't have him there. Give him responsibility of your first child and then you will just be able to get on with what you have to do!

[dianakaye]

I can totally understand not wanting him there.

With my first birth experience I realized that I don't want people around for the labor part. I'm a loner and think I would handle things better alone.

For the delivery I am so focused on the task at hand that I wouldn't notice if a marching band came in the room.

Excluding him from the birth of his child is something that you can never replace, so I would look at where he can be involved. Maybe wiping sweat off your forehead wouldn't be good, but find what role he can fill.

[Bluegoat]

Personally, I wouldn't care if my dh was there.

But I would be very hesitant to ask him not to be there if he wanted to be.

It sounds to me like your husband may feel a bit conflicted, either because he is getting a vibe from you, or because he really isn't sure what he wants. he might have felt awkward or in the way last time, and that may conflict with a desire to see the baby born.

Have you asked him what he thought about it last time - if he was comfortable with his role? If there was something different he would like to do? Maybe if you both know he won't really be involved in birth support, that will take off some of the pressure. Maybe he would like to be there for the birth, but not for the labour? maybe he would like a special job - photography, deal with medical staff, whatever.

A lot of men take time to grow into being fathers, and some people don't find babies that inspiring. Women too, but usually they just have to deal with it. Especially if he didn't see a lot of male nurturing behavior in his family, it could be hard for him to figure out his role as a father of an infant. I know my husband really was quite different in his role as father and supporter by the time our second child came along. (It helped that he got a long paternity leave that time.)

[Mandynee22]

I did with DS's dad. I told him throughout my pregnancy that he wasn't going to be there. He's not very supportive, he's really into himself and he likes to think he's a Dr which is super annoying. If he had been there, I would have given MYSELF a c section just to get it over with.
I had him notified after DS's birth. I had a friend with me at the birth and it went just fine. He was mad that I didn't even tell him when I was in labor but I know (for a fact, because he told me himself) that he would have shown up.
My hospital also give the father, partner, person of your choice a 24 hr bracelet for visitation. I gave it to the girlfriend I had at the birth. One of the nurses told him that since he's the father, he can visit whenever he wants- I had to correct that quickly.
I say do what makes YOU feel comfortabe. IMO- Labor and delivery are all about YOU. The next 18 yrs can be all about the child. You need to feel comfortable, calm, in control and GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
Good luck

[kcparker]

That's rough and a bummer for you (and him too). I don't know. This is tough - you need to feel safe and comfortable and supported so you can do your work.

I worked with a mom who was estranged from her H. She let him be in the waiting room at the hospital, and I had instructions to give him discreet updates through the labor (and not to mention his name or let her know that I was communicating with him). She let him come into the room after the birth to meet his child and he played some music for the baby and then stayed when his parents brought the older kids to meet the new baby. It was a really tough labor for this mama though - very fraught emotionally. You could do something like that - have him nearby but not in the room, maybe taking care of your DS, and you can decide when they get to come in (pushing, or after babe is born).

I guess one thing I would ask is: what would you want for this baby, setting aside your feelings or H's feelings? When you tell this baby the story of its birth, do you want the baby to know that father was there, absent, taking care of the sibling? Think about it from the baby's perspective, and maybe that will give you an answer you can be at peace with.

Also, do you have any interest in trying to keep your marriage together? Maybe this could be a healing experience for both of you if he DOES have a role in the birth - maybe he's not gazing into your eyes and telling you to think about the Hawaiian vacation you took in '05, but if he is feeling useful, and he is BEING useful for you...it might be a start if that's a direction you want to go.