Please help me with dd who physically attacks me!

[Isamama]

In brief, this just happened: We were getting ready to go out. I didn't have a shirt on yet, dd asked me if she could help pick one out. I told her that I already had one picked out. She started to get verbally upset and then she came after me scratching, kicking, and trying to bite me. I had to physically restrain her hands, help her to the ground and then walk away.

She is 4.5 y/o. We have been enduring these physical outbursts for a long while now (years). I have tried a number of approaches. The best is to stay attached and go about the way of Gordon Neufeld. However, I need something to do/say in the moment. I am at my wits end. DD's dad and I have separated (been almost 3 months now) and it has been difficult on all of us.

What could be a consequence for physical aggression? Should I take away a toy for a day? I generally don't think punishment is the way to go. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so done being physically hurt.

Please help and give me suggestions as to what to do in the moment and shortly there after.

[festivefeet]

The Good Job Jar.

Hi there.

Many have differing opinions on rewarding a child with "food" in this case candy, however, a friend suggested this idea to me and it has worked thus far.

I have an almost 4 year old. She would kick, hit and do raspberries when frustrated or angry. Like you, we tried everything. Then a friend suggested the good job jar to me.

You decorate a mason jar to make it look very happy and fun (smiley face stickers, decorative paper, whatever fits your style), then you label it the "Good Job Jar". Each day the jar will start out with seven, in our case, dark chocolate M&M's. We sat down with our daughter and had a very nice and calm converstation during a calm and rational time. We explained to her that we made a good job jar for her and that each day Mommy and Daddy are going to put seven M and M's inside of it. Throughout the day if she makes exceptional choices (like picks up without being told, exhibits great generosity, manners, whatever it might be) then she will be able to put an M and M into the jar. However, if she makes poor choices, like hitting, kicking or spitting at Mommy and Daddy, then we will need to take and M and M out of the jar. Then at the end of the day after she eats dinner (around six o' clock) she can get her good job jar down and eat the M and M's. She was very excited about this when we explained it.

Since her physical reactions to us has become such a habit, if she goes to hit, kick or spit, we simply say, "If you choose to hit Mommy and Daddy again, then we will have to take an M and M out of the jar". Once the system has been underway for a week, there will be no warning, just an M and M taken away. Our daughter does not usually get a lot of sweet things during the day, so her M and M's are precious to her, when she empties the jar. It has worked thus far, we have been doing it for about four days and I can see in her that she has to exhibit extreme self control not to hit and to talk through things with us. Also, if she does slip up, like does raspberries at us, she seems to apologize right away, without being asked to. I talked to a counselor friend and he seemed to think that this was an great approach to curbing her behavior. Eventually we hope to not have the Good Job Jar anymore, once the physical response habit has been broken.

Take or toss.
J.

[meemee]

fiirst know this is absolutely age appropriate behaviour. for single parents. esp. if you look in the single parents archive you will find similar posts to yours.

the thing to do is to first have understanding around it. not saying you dont. but you just need to dig deeper.

physical aggression comes in spurts. its a kind of venting. its their last resort. they want to 'hit' out at the world but just dont know how. even though we separated when dd was 18 months old my dd's hitting came back when she was 5.

in my dd's case i took on it as a compliment. she needed a place to vent. to bare it all. she had to be and was on her best behaviour everywhere else. thru her hitting she was saying i need all this out. i know you will love me no matter what i do so i feel safe to let it all out.

i did not look at her behaviour as a problem but as a symptom of something deeper. i made sure she has all the important stuff first taken care of - enough food, rest, physical exercise. we did a lot more park days to give her a chance to get the aggression out thru physical running or walking. that made a huge difference.

i know for me once i figured out the why seh was doing it - we were both under a LOT of stress - i managed to find some way, little things that made a huge difference. i never tried to stop it while it was going on. i could see she really lost it and wouldnt be able to hear anything i said.

the absense of a father, or shuttling between 2 homes does take its toll on our kids. they learn early that things dont go their way.

i know its really frustrating for you as you try to deal with life right now. know that this does not mean she is giong to be a hitter all her life. its a situational thing. initially i reacted in frustration. but as i discovered the why and had compassion i wasnt frustrated anymore. so i would either sit there talking calmly to her or leave the room if she wanted more space.

and then after it was all over i would talk to her. when the time was right. she would listen. slowly that behaviour stopped and it hasnt returned in almost 2 years. i think we are done with the hitting.

[Isamama]

Thank you for your replies.

meemee, I will check in the archives (I don't usually have much luck with the search function, but will give it a go). Your suggestions resonate with me. After I calmed down (I wrote the post right after it happened), I decided to change a few things. I have the intention to change her sleep and eating patterns, at least while she is with me. Last night I made sure she got down early (early for her) and I have taken wheat out of her diet. I suspect she is sensitive to wheat, which has caused her not to feel well and has possibly contributed to her outbursts.

Your suggestions were a good reminder to me as they are what I do in my right mind. I will dig deeper. Thank you so much!

[beebalmmama]

Ds has been doing this for about a year now, started when he turned 3. I can't usually stop it, as others have said they are pretty beyond control or listening at that point. I have found that generally it is worse when he has less attention from us or we are all stressed (as we are now with recently moving). I have been able to ask him some of the times what is really wrong and when he can communicate he is usually tired, hungry, etc. Dh and I realized we are often telling/asking him to do things (pick up, eat, get dressed), so I've tried more often to give him more choices in those areas when I can.
It is tough though. I feel these are the moments I often lose my cool with him and react poorly. But I get frustrated especially lately as I'm pg and he often has come right at my belly or throws me off balance.
Good luck with determining the possibility of the wheat sensitivity.