How would you have handled this situation?

[sunnylady303]

I am really just (re)learning to GD, especially the Unconditional Parenting way. So advise me mamas, please, how would you have handled this.

We got home from a busy day where my oldest (5YO) had gotten a lot of things her way. We went to her favorite playground, got ice cream (which is usually a big treat), bought a sticker book at B&N, and she bought a rose bush from a nursery. Oh and she got to help daddy put away the neighbors goats and kids. Big stuff. We were coming home a bit late and we had told her in the car that it would be bath time when we got home. Normally I might have bent on bedtime, but we had gone to bed late two nights in a row and she is VERY tired. As soon as we got in, she put her foot down - "I want to play with my sticker book now. I am not getting in the bath tub." (Jutting her chin out stubbornly in that way she does that mothers everywhere know and do not love.) So here is what I tried (after starting the bath water and getting my 3YO in):

1) I told her it was time and to please come. (FAILED: She just said "no" and she wasn't coming unless I let her play for a long time. I told her we tried not to make threats in our house and I didn't like that.)

2) Cuddled her close and told her I understood that it was hard to get something new and not play with it immediately. I talked to her about all the special things she had done and how the book would be here in the morning and she would be so excited to play with it then. But that now was time for a bath. I made her laugh a little by talking about how much she stank from the goats and needed a bath. (FAILED: Still flatly refused to get in the tub unless she got to play a while.)

3) I suggested she get out three stickers and then get in the bathtub (each sticker takes her about a minute to do.) She said "No - a whole page!" We counted them together and there were 25 on a page which I said was too many because it would take almost half an hour. She then asked for one minute (we've been working on time and she has a fairly good idea of how long a minute is). I told her that I tried to give her a few minutes to do three. She laughed and said oh. We made a big deal about "ready set go!" and she got one sticker done in a minute. (FAILED: At the end of that time she threw a fit because she was hoping to get all 25 stickers done in a minute. I told her that we had made an agreement and that it upset me for her to not adhere to it.)

4) I told her that she was right, I couldn't make her do anything. I told her that I was going to get her sister out of the tub and start reading and go to bed and that I really wanted her with us. She said she didn't care but I hoped when I went in the bathroom and made a big deal about getting younger sister out of the tub and reading she would want to also. (FAILED: She stayed in living room playing with her stickers.)

5) Here was (I think) the worst thing I did. I got my other daughter occupied picking out her book and went out to the living room and just took the sticker book. I said, "I can't make you come to bath or bed but you aren't going to sit out here playing with your sticker book when it's time." I cringe because we make a big deal about not taking things from people (sisters!) and here I just snatched it from her. **sigh** I have such much to learn. Anyway, she completely came unglued, crying and crying.

I went and got DH and told other DD I'd be right there. I told DH what had happened and meantime oldest DD had stopped crying and gotten quiet. She was trying to climb up to where I had put the book. DH got her and I don't know what he said, but in 30 seconds she was going with me to the tub to take a super quick bath and make reading time with her sister. She did say she was still upset about the sticker book and I affirmed that.

But I know I could have done better, I just don't know how. And my heart feels bruised just a little. I hate that I snatched that from her. I just want to go cuddle her. **sigh** Ok, mamas. Lay it on me, please. What can I do better? I am trying to learn!

[Daffodil]

That doesn't sound all that bad to me. Taking the sticker book from her in that situation was different from the kind of snatching kids do to each other. You weren't taking the book because you wanted it for yourself - you were taking it because it was distracting her from taking a bath and going to bed, and you felt it was important for her to do those things. But if you feel bad about it, apologize to her tomorrow and tell her why you think it was wrong for you to do it.

Maybe you could have taken the sticker book and put it away somewhere as soon as you got home. That's probably what I would have done. (Of course, if she was already holding it at that point, it would have meant you snatching it from her, so it might not have felt right to you.) If I hadn't done it earlier, I also would have been likely to take the sticker book at the end of the agreed-upon one minute, telling her that we had made a deal and now I expected her to stick to it.

[mamazee]

The tricky part was that she had this brand new sticker book and was really looking forward to it, and then had a huge letdown when you said she wasn't going to be able to do it after all.

This is hard because all kids are different, and the ideal solution would have involved being able to anticipate that reaction and talking about how the sticker book was for the next day right from the get-go. That's hard because, while it seems obvious now, it's really hard to see this kind of thing until it happens.

With my dd, what might have worked would have been to talk about what was coming up instead of what was happening then. I find this is often a strategy that works with her. Instead of saying, "You can't play with it now because . . . " I talk about the future. "Where do you think you can put your sticker book where you'll find it right away when you wake up in the morning?" Or something like that. This often works with my dd but won't necessarily work with all kids and doesn't even always work with her.

Really, sometimes all you can do is keep trying different things and hope something catches. Sometimes parenting is all about muddling through as best we can and trying to find the best solution we can at that time. Taking the sticker book wasn't ideal, but her crying was probably partially just how tired she was so don't kick yourself too hard.

I wonder what your dh said to her. I kind of wonder if it was something like, "You'll get it back first thing in the morning." If so, try to talk about what's coming up in the future, because that's a pretty effective strategy in my house.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think you did great. I understand the bad feelings about taking the book from her hands.

I might have suggested that she could use the sticker book for a while in bed after her bath. Or I might have just skipped the bath altogether and asked her to show you the sticker book while you cuddled in bed instead of reading a book. When DD is overtired and starts to protest bedtime, if I can just get her into bed and doing a quiet activity she'll often decide she's ready to sleep.

To your DD the sticker book was very exciting, it sounds like. I think I would have modified the routine to allow for that, even if it meant yet a third late night.

[nathansmum]

I agree that I think you did great. It's one of those tricky situations and you just learn better strategies all the time. I too think that in hindsight it would have been preferable to strike some sort of understanding when you bought the book on when and how it was going to be used.

I wonder too if validating her outright once you realised you were getting into hot water could have turned things around a little - particuarly if you felt that the first up decision you made on not using the book could have come out better, something like "you are disappointed that I've said you can't use the book tonight?"; yes, "yes, I understand, you were looking forward to it all the way home?" yes. And you never know, that could have been enough to diffuse it or she could have become engaged in the solution once you had laid out your concerns over why you felt doing the entire book tonight was too long. I have found if the child is on your side ie. not peeved at you then they are more likely to be reasonable and listen and come up with a solution that might not be the full deal anyway. I think if they've already gotten into peeved mode then nothing will fix it as all they're focusing on is being angr and even the joy of doing activity is kind of lost as well.

Just chalk it up to a learning experience. I have found Naomi Aldort's book a good companion to UP to help problem solve.

[Wild Lupine]

We have similar episodes here, when DD doesn't want to stop one activity to go onto the next. One thing that I have found that works well is using the oven timer. I give her a certain amount of time and tell her when the timer goes off then it is time to move onto X. The timer makes it objective, and she's less likely to argue it than if I were to say it. But if she did argue after an agreed upon stopping point, I would stand my ground, doing just as you did- taking the stuff away, and lead her away.

The situation you were in is a tough one because what she needed to do was sleep and it sounds like her tiredness played into her reluctance to take a bath and difficulty following through with your agreement. Maybe when she gets that tired, lower your expectations of her, what she can handle before bedtime, and what kind of negotiations she is capable of.

[sunnylady303]

Thanks, mamas. I just feel so uncertain right now. We are coming through a two year long crisis time and I'm finally able to really focus on parenting the way I want to. Also my 5YO is so willful and stubborn right now - I know that's normal, I'm glad she's questioning, and I want to encourage dialogue but sometimes it's hard. I know no one else who parents this way. So thanks for the advice and affirmation!

[jennpn]

I think that sounds good but more negotiation and tactics then I would have tried maybe. You know that she NEEDS to go to bed to avoid being overtired. She has had a big day and now it's time for bed. You told her the expectations. She refused. I would have then given her one option for compromise (she refused it) and then we would be done. The compromise offered or nothing. I would validate that she is not happy with that and it's hard to be disapointed but that was her choice and she made it. I do it with a smile and a good attitude but it's firm. I don't think that is too harsh as the amount of time spent in negatiation/fighting may just be more then doing the whole page would have been anyhow. I would have taken the book too with a warning of "if you have made the choice to not do any stickers tonight then you need to give Mommy the book until the morning". If she refuses I would simply say "give it to me now please or I will need to help you". Then I would take it. remember you are still the parent and she is not going to be happy with you all the time especially when you need to make choices FOR her when she is not making the right ones.

I don't think all in all though it went that horribly.