"You should go to another room to BF"

[Phoenix~Mama]

I posted some of this back story in post in Parenting with help how to counter or deal with my Mom who is always on my case about NIP and when am I going to wean my DD...

Anyway... I was ranting to my best friend about how my Mom threw a napkin over my DD while I nursed her at my grandmother's birthday party this weekend and she said, "well, really you are too sensitive about this. You need to accept that not everyone likes to watch a Mom nursing her baby and there is a time and place for everything, and at a party is not one of them... you should have excused yourself for 20 minutes."

I AM LIVID!! I seriously want to cry... I feel like I'm hammered on all sides anymore just because I want to feed my baby?!! A Mom who is bottlefeeding isn't asked or told to go to another room... why should I have to?

I explained the party was in a one room banquet hall... my choices were to go sit in a toilet stall to feed DD... SO NOT going to happen... or to go outside in 100 degree weather to feed her in the car... also not going to happen.

Why are people so insistent on hiding nursing Moms and telling us we need to realize there is a time and a place to nurse... Does anyone get to tell them there is a time and a place for them to eat???

She said again that I am way to sensitive on the subject and I'm even turning her off to breastfeeding even though she is a nursing Mom. (she BF her DD for 3 months... ) because of how I go on about it and how I'm turning it into a women's rights issue...

Am I totally off base here? She actually told me that I have to respect other people's feelings on the subject and not nurse in front of them unless I have a cover and that she doesn't know any babies that fuss while under a cover...

Um... my baby fusses big time under a cover... it's summertime!! It's 90 some degrees out... throwing her under a cover to bake just to spare someone's feelings is NOT cool with me.

She basically told me I should sit at home and not go out unless I bring a cover with me... WTH?

Why do people think like this? Am I doing breastfeedign a disservice and turning people off to it because I feel I have a right to feed my baby anywhere without a cover?

I feel terrible today...

[Phoenix~Mama]

She wrote to me again saying I'm being totally disrespectful and of course others aren't going to respect me because I'm not respecting them by NIP...

That most Mom's she knows aren't comfortable with NIP and I need to respect that...

I never once said they were wrong for thinking that way... but don't tell me I'm wrong for wanting to NIP without baking my DD under a blanket...

She keeps telling me I'm closedminded and disrespectful of others... all because I want to feed my child wherever my child needs to eat at the time?

Am I wrong?!

[_betsy_]

"This works for us. If you're that offended, maybe you should cover *your* head."

If a bottlefeeding mother wouldn't be ostracized for feeding her child in a particular situation, a breastfeeding mother shouldn't be, either.

I'd probably cut off contact with someone who has repeatedly told me I'm being disrespectful by nursing my infant.

[Amatullah0]

Originally Posted by JSMa

Am I wrong?!

most definitely not!

[CEVmommy]

I believe that a breastfeeding mama should be able to comfortably feed her baby in any location and with the same level of discretion as a bottle-feeding mama would feed her baby. I think that anything short of that puts an unnecessary stigma on breastfeeding.

I've had this come up before too, where someone has suggested that I not NIP at a party or something because someone else might be offended. Of course, I am certainly offended by their suggestion that nursing my baby is somehow inappropriate. I try to say that if someone else has an issue, that they can feel free to talk to me about it again if it comes up and we can try to work it out. But until then, you don't even know IF someone else is going to have a problem with it - I mean, you have to give people a chance, maybe everyone is fine with it! Or if they don't like it, maybe they will just not look. I don't see why you would choose my assured and high level of discomfort and offense over someone else's possible discomfort of an undetermined level. I mean, it makes no sense to say that I shouldn't be able to NIP because someone else might be offended, when you are definitely offending me by saying that!

[theboysmama]

There is a time and place for breastfeeding.
Time: when baby is hungry and wants to eat.
Place: A place that is comfortable for mom and baby
I would not be friends w/ someone like that, or would limit my friendship where this topic did not come up.
You are not wrong. This is why breastfeeding needs to be normalized.

[Red Pajama]

This is why breastfeeding needs to be normalized.

I could't agree more. Limit contact with the negative forces in your life.

I read your post in the other forum, and I'd suggest a stern "Back off." directed at your mother.

[peainthepod]

nak

She doesn't sound like a very good friend, mama. What kind of friend would try to make you feel bad about feeding your child in public? I'd put some distance between you and try to meet some more supportive people. Does the LLL have a chapter in your area?

No, you're not wrong. You don't have to feed your child in a toilet stall just because other people never learned not to stare.

[Pirogi]

I have a bumper sticker on my truck that reads "YOU may go sit in the toilet until I am finished nursing."

I would apply that sentiment here. She is your mom, so severing contact with her may not be the first choice. But you can calmly and confidently tell her that you will nurse your child wherever you feel comfortable nursing, as is your right. If she or anyone else has a problem, they can choose not to look or leave the room themselves. Then tell her the issue is closed. If she persists, end the conversation. Walk away, hang up the phone, get in the car and go home, whatever you have to do. Remain polite and firm. She will get the message and stop eventually.

ETA: Just realized it was a friend that made the hurtful comments, sorry. I agree with MeganMarie below.

[SpiderMum]

SHE is wrong, not you!

I personally think bottles are creepy, but I would never tell a woman to go to another room to bottlefeed. It's not about MY comfort or opinion....it's about the BABY WHO NEEDS TO EAT. For all I know the mother can't nurse....for all she knows your babe may not take a bottle (like my daughter). None of it matters though...because we're the adults and can deal with our discomfort. Babies can't be expected to know or care WHY their meal is being postponed, and they have every right to cry about it...and if the adults in the room were smart, they would make the ending the crying the priority.

[RomanCarmelMom]

She's in the wrong. If she has such a problem with it, and continues to harass you about it, perhaps you should just avoid being around her so she can't pester you. She needs to learn some boundaries and needs to quit trying to control you.

[meganmarie]

Of course, you are not wrong! What a tough situation for you, though. I think we are all used to disagreements with our moms, having lived through teenage years - but a disagreement with a "best friend" is a much more unusual and more distressing thing.

Obviously, you have strong feelings about the rights of the breastfeeding mother and the need to normalize breastfeeding in society. Your friend has very strong, opposing feelings. She was raised like everyone else to think of breasts as sexual and can't get past it. Also, If she gave up nursing at 3 months, she may feel judged when you make a big deal of how important breastfeeding is. Is she a bad mother because she stopped nursing, or wouldn't NIP? I assume you don't think so, but maybe that's how she feels.

You are, unfortunately, unlikely to change her mind on the topic by arguing your case, no matter how much you are in the right. Since you've both explained how you feel, that's the end of it.

What you do next depends on how you value the friendship and what role it plays in your life. If she is truly a "best friend" then you two could agree to disagree. You would both need find a way to generously embrace each other's feelings as valid, different points of view, and still respect each other.

Sometimes this is really hard. I have a couple of friends who have made it clear they think I'm a crazy zealot when it comes to childbirth advocacy. I've stayed friends, but we are absolutely not as close as we used to be. There's this huge topic that is important to me and close to my heart, that we can't discuss. Its a sore spot and it grows into a wedge between us.

I think over time, people evolve, you learn more about them, and friendships evolve too. This may be one of those times when you'll need to adjust and move on with a different level of friendship with this person.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by JSMa

She said again that I am way to sensitive on the subject and I'm even turning her off to breastfeeding even though she is a nursing Mom. (she BF her DD for 3 months... ) because of how I go on about it and how I'm turning it into a women's rights issue...

You're not turning it into a women's rights issue for the very basic reason that it already IS. It's a Human Rights issue, and women are human.

I'd limit contact too. Sounds to me like neither of you are particularly happy with the friendship right now - she for her reasons (which I don't agree with), and you for yours (which I do!).

[sapphire_chan]

Sigh, I'm not seriously recommending this because it is against the user agreement to do so, and it wouldn't actually help anything, but have you thought about getting a bottle? And filling it with ice water? And pouring it on your friend's head?

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by _betsy_

"This works for us. If you're that offended, maybe you should cover *your* head."

: NO! You are NOT wrong!!

There's no way for me to be able to tolerate that. Can't stand watching me nurse? See ya.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Sigh, I'm not seriously recommending this because it is against the user agreement to do so, and it wouldn't actually help anything, but have you thought about getting a bottle? And filling it with ice water? And pouring it on your friend's head?

: to this too!!

[fruitfulmomma]

that she doesn't know any babies that fuss while under a cover...

Oh, sorry... she was serious, huh? Yeah, I've tried every cover available and none of them worked for my kids. I gave up by the time #4 came along. They get hot and cranky and scared and want to yank the cover off instead of eating and then guess what? My whole boob is showing. Yep, much easier just to hold my shirt and cover up when they decide to move away.

Anyway, I am not comfortable NIP but I do it anyway because frankly it is not about my comfort. It is about my child's needs. There are a lot of things that other people do in public that make me uncomfortable. If I went around suggesting to all of them that they stop or cover up or go to the bathroom I don't suspect I'd get much done.

[Jojo F.]

She is totally in the wrong and is being unbelievably disrespectful to you and your DD. shame on her

I'd be inclined to ask her to cover up when she eats because it's disgusting to watch

Try to limit contact with her at all costs which I'm sure is hard since she is your mother. The next time she says something tell her to back off, you know how she feels about, she needs to respect your DD and you, you do not plan on covering up, she needs to except that fact and move on. Of course easier said then done.

Again, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!!!!!!!!

[~LadyBug~]

Everyone has pretty much said what I was going to say, I just want to pat you on the back and say what a great job you are doing for your little one! I too got people feeling very uncomfortable when I nursed but babies come before anyone else in my book. Hang in there!

[momo7]

No you're not wrong.

BUT: I say this with all respect and as gently as I can.

I am an open nursing (lactivating) mom too so I know exactly where you are coming from...I've had people do and say the exact same things to me that you are dealing with. I don't justify myself to them...EVER..... but at the same time I realized that these people have their opinion and they are free to voice it.... even though it hurts me for them to do it........just as I have the freedom to nurse wherever or whenever I wish, even though it offends the same people...you have to know that what you are doing is right and you're doing what's best. You can't make people accept your ideas, your feelings, or your values. You have the obligation to yourself and your children to do what's right, NOT, to make others see or accept it as well.