here we go - it's taken me a long time to finally write this down, sorry about any typos.....
It’s taken me over two years to write this, but the thoughts go through my head every night before I fall asleep. If I could go back and change one thing in my entire life, it would be the decision to allow my first son to be circumcised. I made a huge mistake. I had the information but I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and protect my baby. My dh insisted that it be done. He did no research. I hung out on a mainstream message board during my pregnancy. When circ came up, the majority said they did it or were planning on doing it. There were a few who said they did not circ. Someone linked to mdc circ forum. I came here and read a little bit. I read some of the posts in this thread even. But I left mdc feeling like is it really that big of a deal? I didn’t stay long enough to gather enough strength. The mainstream mamas said it’s the parents’ choice, everyone irl that I asked said to do it, it’s no big deal. He won’t remember.
I don’t know any intact men. I don’t know if my dad is or if my fil is. I’ve never had sex w/ an intact man, at least, I don’t think so. Dh said circ is cleaner, healthier, and he won’t get made fun of in the locker room. Where we grew up, the circ rate is probably 99%. With all the information I had, the only reason I allowed it to happen was because I found a statistic that said circ’ed penises have a lower risk of utis. Ds has a 50% chance that he has this kidney disease from my dh. I convinced myself that on the 50% chance that he does have this kidney disease, then I guess we should make sure he has a lower chance of utis, because a uti could get bad and be bad for the kidney. Who was I kidding. It was my cop-out. I even told dh, this is the only reason I’m allowing circ – I knew it wasn’t any cleaner, I knew it wasn’t healthier, I knew he wouldn’t get made fun of in the locker room. I was an idiot.
But thinking back over it – there were so many times where I should’ve opened my eyes. Flags should have gone up in my head. First, the family practice doc that came to see us in the hospital, came too late. She came the night after he was born, so she said they can’t do the circ before we go home, to call and schedule it at the office. I had some time to change my mind, actually I had over a week. Thinking of the things she said to us blow my mind, why was I so stupid. She mentioned things like…I’m pro-circ, I think it’s a good thing to be done but just to warn you, she said, it looks pretty brutal afterward, the glans looks raw and swollen. A little baby she had circ’ed before bled a little and needed a stitch. These things she said made me very nervous and I asked people again, should we do it? Everyone said yes, do it, it’s not big deal. If just one person in real life would have said, nope, don’t do it…it’s not necessary as a matter of fact, it’s not even recommended – I think I could have been strong enough to say no. but I was all alone. My baby was perfect but no one told me that.
So when he was 9 days old, we brought him to the dr’s office and he was circ’ed. And guess what – he bled badly and needed two stitches. A NEWBORN BABY SHOULD NOT NEED STITCHES IN HIS PENIS! I made dh go with him and watch. He had no problem doing that. He said ds slept through the anesthesia and the gomco clamp but when they needed to stitch him up he started screaming. They were back there for so long I started to feel sick. I knew it was too late and I also knew deep inside that I made a mistake and should have protected my baby from this horrible, brutal procedure. He turned two in april and the guilt is still very strong, every day, I still feel sick. Changing his diaper makes me want to cry. His scar is huge and horrible looking. He has no idea what was done to him.
Ds has a younger brother now who is intact. And any more brothers that may come will also be intact. Will ds1 forgive me for what I allowed to happen? Will he hate me? How will I explain it? They are only 17 months apart. I used to think dh’s penis and the circ’ed penis looked normal. That’s all I knew. But now that I have an intact penis around, the circ’ed penis looks so terrible. So violated. So scarred.
My sister just had a baby boy. I sent them everything, all the info, even sent a dvd w/ the videos – penn and teller, the nocirc video, the prepuce. I talked to her on the phone – they were fully informed, way more informed than I was and I was the one person irl to tell them not to do it. They still did it. And I can’t get over it. I tried so hard, hoping that they would learn from our mistake. But their reasoning was the same as all the mainstream mamas I hung with over 2 years ago – please respect that this is a personal preference and our parental choice. Idiots. Just like I was.