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If you regret circumcising your son(s), please post here. - Page 30

post #581 of 719

monkey mamma - i am so sorry for your very traumatic experience.  PLEASE share your story with http://www.thewholenetwork.org/index.html - it could save lives!

post #582 of 719

I have one son and one daughter.  When my son was born, his father and I never gave a second thought as to whether or not our baby should be circumcised.  We thought it was the right and only thing to do for his health and well being.  We were ignorant to the facts at that time. plus my husband was cut, and thought it was just supposed to be done.  I remember the doctor bringing my baby boy back to me after the procedure, and he was bright red, face was wet from tears, and terrified.  I felt bad as his mother, and tried to soothe him, thinking it was really no big deal.  Had I known then what I know now, I would NEVER even consider this.  I live with guilt, regret, sorrow, unforgiveness, and hatred of myself for allowing this mutilation and torture of my perfect baby boy.  This was 30 years ago, and not until recently have I witnessed a circumcision video, or read the factual information on the subject.  OMG. I feel like such a monster, how the hell could I have allowed this?????   I have since become an intactivist and have lost friends and clients,( I am a birth doula), because of my beliefs and opinions, which are based soley on fact and accurate information.  I really don't care how this affects me personally or in my business.  It's well worth it to me, and I hope to be able to save other baby boys from this barbaric atrocity.  Genital mutilation in any gender is just plain wrong. Females are being protected much more than males, but I believe this is the same thing across the board.  Circumcision for NONE.  i will never forgive myself for what I allowed to happen.  I will live with this guilt forever.  but, it;s not all about me, is it?  My son has to live his life with diminished sensation in his penis, and alot less satisfaction in his sex life.  I allowed this....me!!!  I had no right to make this decision on his behalf.  No right whatsoever.  I want to cry and throw up every time I think of this.  The medical community lied to me, and hundreds of thousands of other new parents who were told this was the healthy thing to do for our babies.  Not only am i living with this guilt and regret, but I am pissed as hell that I was misguided in the name of money and profit.  I just can't get over this.

post #583 of 719

My mother-in-law is going through these exact feelings now, too.  Do not beat yourself up.  You didn't know and it wasn't spoken of.

 

Have you spoken to your children to make sure that they do not perpetuate it?

post #584 of 719

Monkey mama, what a horror story, I'm so so sorry. hug.gif

post #585 of 719

wow I am so glad I came accross this thread. It saved my little boy from getting circumised by 12 hours. I put my boy to bed last night changed his nappy and took a look at what I thought would be one of the last looks at his intact penis. He was scheduled for the procedure today.Then before I went to bed i checked my emails for one last time and then something pushed me in the direction of this website. I typed into google search

" regrets about circumising" and this came up. I was up for hours then just reading page after page about stories of other mothers who have regretted the procedure. I have been undecided for months about getting it done. My DH is done and I love the look of a circumised penis. Let me be honest I have always found it attractive and I have thought it is more hygenic. 

But then on the other hand is it my decision to mutilate my son's penis just because i think a circumised penis looks better? Will I regret doing it for the rest of my life? and more importantly.... will my son hate me for doing it to him? I would never pierce my daughter's ears without her consent, so why would I do this?

I spent months and months weighing up the pro's and con's -50/50.

at 4 weeks my boy started being fussy with breastfeeding. a Nurse found my boy to have a severe tongue tie which was stopping him from feeding. It was a week before christmas and the only DR who could fit me in was the same one who did the circumising too ( only one in Brisbane) I sat in the waiting room and in the time I was there I saw 6 baby boys who went into the procedure. I thought to myself there really is still alot of people getting their boys done! so after my son had his tongue tie fixed, I found myself booking him in for the Circumism too. the date was set a month away... which was today.

Looking back now I really feel for a woman that was in the waiting room. she was there with her 2 week old boy and her husband. She was crying before he went in. You could tell she didn't want it done but her husband did. I really hope she doesnt regret it.

So anyway now I'm blabbering.

I do really believe in fate and I think coming accross this website was meant to be. I felt so proud to pick my boy up out of his cot this morning and I kissed him and said an Angel saved you. I rang my husband who had already left for work and told him not to leave work early " We're NOT getting him done." I didn't even say sorry. . ALL I said was if he really wants it done he can do it when he is old enough to make that decision for himself.  Its not our choice to make. I am wondering if deep down DH is relieved that I have made the choice for him. Now I feel we can move forward and enjoy our little bundle of joy without having this decision over our heads!

I am so thankful to everyone who took the time to post on here, which is why I'm taking the time to do the same. You are all my Angels, i cannot thank you enough. strangers who have become friends in a time of need. THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! I hope my story saves someone else's son too!

post #586 of 719

Yippee HoneyCakes!! Enjoy that beautiful boy of yours and don't ever second-guess yourself. Go Mama!

post #587 of 719

My 5 year old and 19 month old are both circ'd and I do regret having it done. After many long talks with my SO I let him win the battle with out older son, I then felt I had to get our younger son done so they would "match". I did watch when both were done and neither cried and it went very well, I'm also glad the the person who did both of them left a little extra skin. I'm now pregnant again and really hope this is a girl so I don't even have to fight to not circ the next baby.

post #588 of 719
I hope that if this one is a boy you can find the courage to do the right thing and keep him intact. Even if your ds's didnt show pain during theirs it dosnt mean they will not have issues down the road from them. I hope they do not but it is still very possible.
post #589 of 719
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeycakes View Post

wow I am so glad I came accross this thread. It saved my little boy from getting circumised by 12 hours. I put my boy to bed last night changed his nappy and took a look at what I thought would be one of the last looks at his intact penis. He was scheduled for the procedure today.Then before I went to bed i checked my emails for one last time and then something pushed me in the direction of this website. I typed into google search

" regrets about circumising" and this came up. I was up for hours then just reading page after page about stories of other mothers who have regretted the procedure. I have been undecided for months about getting it done. My DH is done and I love the look of a circumised penis. Let me be honest I have always found it attractive and I have thought it is more hygenic. 

But then on the other hand is it my decision to mutilate my son's penis just because i think a circumised penis looks better? Will I regret doing it for the rest of my life? and more importantly.... will my son hate me for doing it to him? I would never pierce my daughter's ears without her consent, so why would I do this?

I spent months and months weighing up the pro's and con's -50/50.

at 4 weeks my boy started being fussy with breastfeeding. a Nurse found my boy to have a severe tongue tie which was stopping him from feeding. It was a week before christmas and the only DR who could fit me in was the same one who did the circumising too ( only one in Brisbane) I sat in the waiting room and in the time I was there I saw 6 baby boys who went into the procedure. I thought to myself there really is still alot of people getting their boys done! so after my son had his tongue tie fixed, I found myself booking him in for the Circumism too. the date was set a month away... which was today.

Looking back now I really feel for a woman that was in the waiting room. she was there with her 2 week old boy and her husband. She was crying before he went in. You could tell she didn't want it done but her husband did. I really hope she doesnt regret it.

So anyway now I'm blabbering.

I do really believe in fate and I think coming accross this website was meant to be. I felt so proud to pick my boy up out of his cot this morning and I kissed him and said an Angel saved you. I rang my husband who had already left for work and told him not to leave work early " We're NOT getting him done." I didn't even say sorry. . ALL I said was if he really wants it done he can do it when he is old enough to make that decision for himself.  Its not our choice to make. I am wondering if deep down DH is relieved that I have made the choice for him. Now I feel we can move forward and enjoy our little bundle of joy without having this decision over our heads!

I am so thankful to everyone who took the time to post on here, which is why I'm taking the time to do the same. You are all my Angels, i cannot thank you enough. strangers who have become friends in a time of need. THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! I hope my story saves someone else's son too!


joy.gif I'm so glad you found us, and thank you so much fror sharing your story. I hope that it will take some of the guilt away from some of the women in this thread Hopefully this post can help them to see that eventhough they did something they regret, their stories have helped to keep another boy intact.
post #590 of 719

We decided to get our baby boy cut and I feel SO bad. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make and I hope the guilt will go away with time. The pediatric office we chose has two doctors and both did not circumcise their sons, so that made the decision even harder. Even after all the research and information I showed my honey he was still set on having it done, however we agreed to be neutral about it until he was born and then we could talk about it again when we saw his pediatrician, which I knew was anti circumcisions.  

 

She made the point that she could care less if the dad is cut, but when it came to brothers, and one having it done, it created more of an issue and felt it was probably best to get it done. She had many situations with parents and problems between brothers because one being intact and the other not. I personally think most of the issues could be overcome with open communication though. Anyways, when she was talking about this she didn't know our son was cut. In the end we ended up getting it done in the hospital and watched it. After the procedure I asked the doctor why she didn't do it to her son and she said after having done so many she just couldn't do it to her own son. greensad.gif  I should have asked before but didn't. She was very gentle though and careful as she did it. Our first son had a different technique done which was quicker utilized a knife and nothing else that I can recall.

 

There's nothing I can do now though but having to care for his wound is killing me.

post #591 of 719


I really hate that she is saying that to people. I think you're right about the open communication. I know this topic has come up before where a mama decides to leave a 2nd or 3rd son intact when one or more was circumcised. So far I have yet to hear of brothers taking issue when things were explained.

 

I'm sorry that you have regrets. Perhaps if you have another son you will make the choice to leave him intact knowing that you can gently explain to your other sons why.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whoami View Post

 

She made the point that she could care less if the dad is cut, but when it came to brothers, and one having it done, it created more of an issue and felt it was probably best to get it done. She had many situations with parents and problems between brothers because one being intact and the other not. I personally think most of the issues could be overcome with open communication though.

post #592 of 719

Unfortunately for us DS was born with pretty bad hypospadias with chordee and dorsal hood, a true medical reason for needing to get circumsized. The Ped. Urologist could have restored his foreskin but she wasn't confident about the procedure, and it could mean more surgery if things went wrong, so DS had the surgery at 6mo(at the doc's insistence since we were getting out of the military. I still feel guilty about this....

post #593 of 719

 

Both our sons are circumcised and I have regrets about them for very different reasons.

 

I'm from the UK, my DH is American and, circumcised. I was surprised by this when I met first met him. Later, because in my work as a children's nurse I discovered most American boys have been routinely cut like my DH, whereas, I only saw a few boys in England like that and they had lost their foreskins for religious reasons or medical problems. Otherwise it is discouraged.

 

When I became pregnant with our first son, my husband was in favour of having him circumcised because he and ALL males in his family were. I wasn't keen and pointed out that NONE of the men in my family were (Dad and three brothers). Stalemate. So we brought our son home intact and agreed to take the advice of our ped. at the first check up. 

 

Her only comment was: "This is America, it's what we do!" 

 

Thinking I'd best conform so he's a 'regular' boy when he goes to school, I made an appointment and my ped. did it in her office a couple of weeks later. I was in and out in 30 minutes, my son didn't cry, and fed OK straight afterwards like nothing happened. The plastic ring fell off in four days and it healed, neat and complete in the week. Nor any problems ever since.

 

My DH cared for me the first week, then my MIL helped me for two weeks. She made approving noises about my agreeing to have it done. ("He'll be just fine with it like that honey...make him a better husband!" smile, nudge wink.)

 

Then my parents flew out to meet their new grandson. When my mother changed him the first time she called me over and whispered: "What's happened to his thingy?" I explained. She couldn't believe I did this as in her opinion it was quite unnecessary. When she told dad I learned he was not happy about it either. He just said "Poor little b****r". It was clear he was disappointed in me. I felt awful, like I'd really let down my boy and my side of the family.

 

That might have been it, shrugged off as a clash of opinions, if I hadn't met a fiercely anti circ. friend at my mother and baby group. She was a NO CIRC guardian! I was given a lecture, literature and links all over the internet convincing me I'd made a big mistake. I didn't tell anyone, what's done is done, I thought but I vowed I'd never circumcise another boy if I had one.

 

Well luckily I did have another son and thought this was my chance to make amends. My DH wasn't at all happy but after a few weeks and when he saw I was really determined, he reluctantly agreed it could be my call this time. So number two remained intact despite my ped's raised eyebrows and my MIL's unrestrained disapproval.

 

As a nurse in the UK I had been educated to know you should never retract a boys foreskin because it is attached to the head and only releases in later childhood. My son was four when he discovered this trick in the bath and delighted in showing me how he could now make it look like his brother's. I warned him to pop it back in and only let it out quickly for a rinse from now on.

 

It was about a year later when he came to me and explained his willy was hurting. When I checked, the foreskin was red and inflamed. The ped, gave us a prescription which cleared it up for a week or two but it kept recurring every couple of months. Eventually, with my son wailing tears at the next ped visit, she checked him out and diagnosed severe phimosis. The foreskin tip which is, normally stretches had become scarred with infection, tight and quite un-retractable. I knew enough to realise the inevitable; my son now needed circumcising.

 

Bless them, neither my ped, my DH nor my MIL ever gloated or used the dreaded words; "I told you so!" But they must have thought it. Compared to his brother, my younger son was much more upset by the later experience and cried bitterly at times for they first day or two. I really regret having to put him through that but he seems to be OK with it now. Children are surprisingly resilient.

 

Circumcision seems to be one of those things you can get wrong whatever you do. If I could have foreseen my youngest would have had to be done at the age he was, I would have reluctantly agreed to it, rather than him having the memory he will have for the rest of his life. 

post #594 of 719
Even recurring infection is not a reason to circ I am sorry that you where told wrongly on that.
post #595 of 719

Doulalee - I am sorry to hear of your heartfelt pain. Let go of most of the blame because as you stated, you were not told the facts, and were unaware of them at the time.... 30 years ago. If you havn't already, apologize to your son and ensure he (and your daughter) are the best educated on the circumcision and gential integrity debate so that any grandsons are spared the unnecessary amputation of their prepuce. If I was your son I could forgive you because you have made it a mission to educate others and prevent further harm. The fact you have "saved" other boys and their parents future grief and pain is heartwarming and worthy of forgiveness. Best regards and many blessings in your efforts to protect little boys from harmful genital cutting in a circumcising culture. 

post #596 of 719

I am so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine my son going through this. Also, I am SO THANKFUL your son is alive!! 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey mamma View Post

On a glorious autumn morning my sweet son was born into a family full of love in the peaceful surroundings of his parent’s bed. Jack came into the world with much to say and introduced himself in a very boisterous way.
The peace and tranquility ended on day 16 of his life. On that day, the tears and hurt began. My husband and I took Jack to have his circumcision performed at the office of a recommended urologist. We naively believed that this was “just a routine procedure”. My husband filled out the paperwork while I nursed Jack in the waiting room. We were called back and asked if we wanted to stay in the room while the doctor did the procedure. We both wanted to be there for him and I wanted to be able to nurse him for comfort right away. Jack was strapped down and the doctor numbed his penis. He screamed in pain and I felt my stomach drop. A few minutes later the doctor did the cut and the nurse commented, “That’s a beauty.” The doctor invited my husband to take a look seemingly proud of what he had just done. We were told to put Vaseline dressings on at each diaper change and dismissed to go home. I again nursed my little man and then buckled him into the car seat. Jack cried for a few minutes and then fell asleep from the stress of it all. When we arrived home we were greeted by my mom and Jack’s big brother and sister. We cuddled on the sofa for a little bit and then my mom took Jack into my room to change his diaper before we sat down to dinner. I heard my mom yell for me in a frantic voice. I rushed in to see what was alarming her and was shocked to see Jack had bleed through his cloth diaper and the diaper cover. There was a lot of blood and it was still oozing out of the circumcision site. I yelled for my husband to call the doctor right away. It was now about 5:45 pm so when he called the doctor’s office no one answered. I insisted he keep trying and then attempted to call myself 3 times. When it became clear we would not get through to the doctor I called Jack’s pediatrician. He instructed us to apply very firm pressure to his penis for 10 minutes and if the bleeding did not stop to go to the emergency room. After 10 minutes it was clear that this was not going to be enough to subside the bleeding. We jumped in the van and rushed to the emergency room. By the time we got to the ER Jack had lost a lot more blood. I was holding him in the waiting room and my jeans were soaked with his blood, the blanket I had wrapped him in was soaked with blood, his little socks were soaked with blood. When we arrived they assessed the situation and asked us why we had not called the urologist. We informed them we could not reach him. My husband continued to hold firm pressure on Jack’s penis while the ER staff decided what to do. They were able to contact the urologist and decided to use a liquid to try to stop the bleeding. The ER doctor told us it had a 50/50 chance of working. The bleeding slowed down for a few minutes and then picked up again. The bed and the towels on the bed became saturated with Jack’s blood. My husband and a paramedic in training held pressure to Jack’s penis while we waited for an ambulance to transfer us to the ER where the urologist who did this to Jack had privileges. It seems we chose the wrong ER unknowingly since we were not told what to do in the event of an emergency. The urologist on call at the ER we originally went to refused to fix the mistake of another doctor. The ambulance crew arrived and was instructed that it was necessary to continue to apply pressure to Jack’s penis to slow the bleeding. The EMT that would be sitting in the back of the ambulance with Jack and me insisted that I buckle him into his car seat rather than hold him in my arms on the stretcher. Against my instincts I complied. When we got situated in the back of the ambulance the driver turned on the lights and began to drive quickly to the next ER. The EMT in the back said “You can kill all that.” At which time the driver turned off the lights and began driving the speed limit. Inside I was screaming “What? No, we need to get there quickly.” But, I thought the EMT knew best since he was the medical professional. I was sitting next to Jack’s car seat and keeping a close eye on him. I commented that he was bleeding through the towels and the EMT came over to take a look then sat back down. A few minutes later I repeated that he was losing more blood and was answered with a “Mmm.” I then questioned why Jack was looking so pale and why his lips were turning blue. The EMT responded “There could be a lot of reasons for that.” Again I dumbly trusted the medical professional. I assumed we were safe because we were in the back of an ambulance. During the 45 minute drive to the ER (which could have been less than 20 minutes had the driver left the lights on and gone fast) I continued to comment on Jack’s blood loss and color. The EMT only checked the monitor for oxygen levels. When we finally arrived at the next ER the paramedic on duty there took one look at Jack and said “His color is awful. We need to get an IV in this baby right away.” They put in the IV and placed an oxygen mask on my baby’s face. I was terrified. My husband and I were both sobbing and stood there holding onto one another and asking God to “Please spare our son. “ I looked down to see his car seat full of blood. We felt completely helpless and so guilty that our baby had to endure this. The urologist that had performed the circumcision came in and placed four sutures in Jack’s penis. He had cut the frenula artery when performing the original surgery. The bleeding finally stopped. The ER staff then drew some blood to run Jack’s hemoglobin and hematocrit levels. They came back low but not low enough to warrant a blood transfusion so we were monitored for a couple of hours then sent home. We were told to have the blood work done again the next day. I did not want to cause Jack extra stress so I asked my midwife to please come to the house to take his blood rather than driving him back to the lab. She agreed and said she would drive the blood right to the hospital for testing. When she arrived, she checked his heart rate and breathing and drew the blood. She left and on the way to the hospital she called Jack’s pediatrician to discuss his condition. She then called me and informed me that they both agreed that due to his rapid heart rate and breathing as well as his listless state that I needed to call 911 right away and go back to the ER with Jack. I did just that and this time had an amazing ambulance crew. My midwife was there waiting for us with the lab results that Jack’s hemoglobin and hematocrit had dropped dramatically since the night before. The ER wanted to run their own test so Jack was poked again. The results came back the same. We were then sent by ambulance to a hospital with a pediatric unit. We were admitted to the hospital and spent 23 hours there being observed. His levels were checked at 5:00am the next morning and were on the rise so he did not require a blood transfusion. We had to stay until 8:00pm that night because he was still very lethargic and nursing poorly. He lost 5 ounces and needed to show the doctors that he could eat well before we could go home. The next two weeks we had follow up appointments and more blood work to make sure Jack’s hemoglobin and hematocrit continued to rise. He has to take iron supplements until his levels are normal again. All of this because we believed the lie that circumcision is “just a simple procedure.” During the time our son was meant to learn that his world is a safe and loving place, he had to endure needless pain. Please consider what happened to Jack before you decide to have your son circumcised.
post #597 of 719
Quote:
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post

Even recurring infection is not a reason to circ I am sorry that you where told wrongly on that.


 

Please believe me my son's foreskin was so badly scarred and damaged from the infections, it had lost all elasticity and would never have retracted for cleaning or intercourse as an adult. This was the what I was told by the the surgeon I consulted which confirmed by own nursing experience. He also said he hated doing them except as a last resort because circumcision is so final. Once the foreskin has gone, it's gone for the rest of a boy's life. That's a thought which will always haunt me.

 

Much as I hated the idea it was the kindest thing to cut my son. My only consolation is that he has been fine ever since and now matches my DH and his older brother.

post #598 of 719
What was done during the infections to identify them? If a swab was done and proper treatment applied then odds are extremely low he would have developed scaring so bad that it would have had serious issues. Also until he had went through puberty there is no way to know exactly how bad the scar tissue was. I personally feel that waiting until then would have been the better option rather than putting him through the pain of circ when he wasnt fully able to understand why. As a young man he could have tried stretching to break the scar tissue down using steroid cream.

Another thing a full circ would not have been needed just the removal of the tip of the foreskin where the band of scar tissue was allowing him to keep the majority of his foreskin. I am writing that for any lurkers out there who think a full on circ is the only answer when in fact it is far from it in cases like this.

Proper identification of what was causing the problem before scaring could occur would have been far preferable.

My dh and ds do not match and neither one of them cares. Ds hasnt noticed that dh is different other than size and dh is fine with ds being how mature intended him to be.

I added all I did for anyone else out there possibly going through this with their ds in the hopes they might be willing to wait on this surgery not to criticize the decision you made with your ds. There are always other options out there besides removal of the entire foreskin even keeping some is better than nothing.
post #599 of 719

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post

Another thing a full circ would not have been needed just the removal of the tip of the foreskin where the band of scar tissue was allowing him to keep the majority of his foreskin. I am writing that for any lurkers out there who think a full on circ is the only answer when in fact it is far from it in cases like this.

I added all I did for anyone else out there possibly going through this with their ds in the hopes they might be willing to wait on this surgery not to criticize the decision you made with your ds. There are always other options out there besides removal of the entire foreskin even keeping some is better than nothing.


Just adding a link to go along with MCatLvrMom2A&X's message to lurkers.

 

Conservative Treatments Patient-Friendly Alternatives to Circumcision

http://www.norm-uk.org/circumcision_alternative_treatments.html

 

"A preputioplasty should be able to cure any tight foreskin where stretching and steroid cream application have failed. This is an operation in which a cut is made through the tight ring that is limiting foreskin retraction"

post #600 of 719

This is our story. The deepest wound I carry as a Mother is knowing that my oldest son suffered needlessly because of what I didn't know. My younger son is so grateful that I learned the truth. Not just for his own sake, but for the sake of the boys whose Mothers I educate so that they will not make the same horrible mistake I made. Before I left the hospital that day I was an intactivist. I had never even heard that word, but I knew in every fiber of my being that this was wrong and I had to do something to stop it.

I have been educating parents since that time. At first all I could tell them was my story and that it was wrong on a deep instinctual level. After 28 years of research, there's no question I can't answer and not debate I'll back down from. 

I direct a chapter of www.NoCirc.org and am a California rep for www.theWHOLEnetwork.org . I often give SOS packs from http://www.savingpenises.org/our-information-packs.html to doulas, midwives, nurses, doctors, childbirth educatators, LLC's, whomever might be willing to learn and share their knowledge with others. I do allot of work on the web as well. 

 

" My Beloved Son,

Before you were born I was already planning all the best things I knew I could do for you. I would try and ensure that you had a gentle birth. I would give you the milk from my breasts although I had no support from my family, because I knew this was best. I would love you with all my heart and protect you from harm.

I read every book I could find on pregnancy and natural child care. I soaked it all in like a sponge. The one thing that I could not find was accurate information on circumcision. My public library hadn’t a single book that mentioned anything negative about it. So I asked men that I knew what they thought was best. I asked both circumcised and intact men. Some said it was good that I was asking questions, some thought I was silly, but answered nonetheless. Surprisingly they all said that it was probably the best way to go. Even my own intact father. My brother had been circumcised. I talked with my doctor who explained that is was a quick, simple, painless procedure and there was nothing to worry about. It was just ‘routine.’ I believed at that point that I was informed. I was not.

When you were taken from me at the hospital and carried down the hallway to a 'sound proof' room something inside me started to panic. A million thoughts were swirling through my head all at once... and then I heard you scream. It was a sound unlike anything I had ever heard in my life.

The hair stood up on the back of my neck and my knees buckled. It felt like my heart was no longer beating and I could feel my face flush and tears start to fall down my cheeks. There was a knot in my gut and I wanted to vomit. I was shaking and I muttered, “Oh God what have I done?” A nurse, almost laughing, said to me, “Oh he’s okay honey, he’ll be just fine and he won’t remember a thing.” I grasped at that delusion for a moment, but I knew that I would never forget it. I would never be the same person again.

When they handed you back to me I could hardly breath. The look on your face was that of shock, pain and betrayal. I held you close to me and whispered through my tears, “Oh my God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry, I am so sorry...”

All the sparkle was gone from your eyes and I knew that I had been lied to. I felt so betrayed and confused. I felt such guilt for having hurt you this way. How could I have not instinctively known that this was wrong? How could everyone in my country, in the world, not instinctively know that this was wrong? Why didn’t even a single person ever say to me that you were perfect as you were and this pain was unnecessary. Or even mention pain at all? I was so full of hatred towards the doctors. They knew what they were doing, and they lied to me. They hurt you and thought nothing of it. I was so full of hatred toward myself for letting those bastards hurt you that way.

I made a choice that wasn't mine to make, one that I wasn't equipped to make, one that I should never have been allowed to make.

Every time I bathed you, changed your diaper, or let you run free, I was reminded of my own guilt, of my own culpability for your suffering. I felt so ashamed. So stupid. So gullible for having believed it was nothing serious.

I close my eyes and I still see the dazed look of confusion in your face. The sound of your screams are seared into my brain. Not a single day has gone by that my heart doesn’t hurt. I am scarred too. But the scars I bear are in my soul.

The more I learned, the angrier and more deeply hurt I became. Especially when I realized the extent of what was taken from you and that it would affect you for the rest of your life. That it would impact your sexuality and your relationships.

I started to tell other moms what it was like, what I had learned, and not to let this happen to their babies. I didn’t want any other babies to be hurt or any other mother to ever feel the way I feel. My pain is what drives me to do something to stop this insanity.

28 years later I am still talking to moms and dads, to grandparents, to anyone who will listen. I don’t ever want another mother to say they didn’t know, or ask why no one told them the truth before it was too late. I think one of the hardest realities a parent can ever face is knowing that their own ignorance caused their child harm.

I saved your brother from the suffering I put you through. He is whole and safe and happy. I protected him because I learned the ugly truth the hard way. At your expense. He is very grateful that I learned to do better.

There is nothing I wouldn’t give to go back and change things. But that isn’t possible, so I work hard to try and save other baby boys from suffering needlessly as you did. I talk and talk and talk so that no other boy will be robbed of his right to a whole body.

So my darling son, I say this to you: I love you now as I have loved you always. I hope you can forgive me for what I didn’t know.

Love,
Mom" 

 

By Lauren Stone © 2011

 

http://www.drmomma.org/2011/02/letter-to-my-son.html

 

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