or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Understanding Circumcision › If you regret circumcising your son(s), please post here.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

If you regret circumcising your son(s), please post here. - Page 31

post #601 of 719

I was uneducated about subject, my husband was adamant about it, and I allowed it to be done to our boy. :( I deeply regret it, but I try not to beat myself up about it. I didn't know any better.

post #602 of 719

My first two sons were circumsized without hesitation. We did it to make them "match" my husband. Even though my youngest just turned one, I've already come to believe that we made a mistake in doing so. Neither boy has had any major complications as a result of the surgery, but even without such "incentive", I've turned to the perspective that we shouldn't be taking a risk and altering our children's bodies without their permission. We let our daughter decide if/when she wanted to pierce her ears; we didn't feel it was "right" to make that decision for her; why should we be making an even bigger decision about our boys' genitalia? (one that can't be reversed)

 

We're expecting another little boy in July and I'm insisting that we do not have him cut, but my husband is still on the fence. I'm seriously hoping to persuade him to leave the little guy alone by the time he arrives!

post #603 of 719

Bumping!

 

post #604 of 719

I get teary eyed thinking about the choice dh and I made for our son.  I feel awful and it was wrong.  He hasn't had any complications but I wish I'd known then what I've learned since.  I never would have allowed it.  Would you have you daughter circumcized?  Probably not.  In fact in America it's usually referred to as "genital mutilation".  It's wrong.  If you had been "circumsized" as girl would it make it right continue?  NO.  It's not your body.  Should not be your choice.  At any rate I try not to beat myself up to much about it but then I do wonder, WHY?  What was I thinking??  If you wouldn't have it done to your daughters please don't buy into the mindframe that it's 'normal'.  Double standards are common but it doesn't make them right.  I will never allow a child of mine to mutilated/circumcized ever again.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, but honestly, if we were not accustomed to this awfully dehumanizing procedure, we would be totally horrified of it, no?

 

 

post #605 of 719

I strongly urge you not to "hope" to persuade your dh. I love dh with all my heart and we are partners in all matters. He was an unmovable rock on this issue because I think the idea of his own circumcision being unnecessary was unbearable to him. I had to come to the conclusion that he wouldn't be convinced, and I stopped pressuring him to give me an answer. My mind was made up, but I had no intention of being hostile. Not all husbands are convinced. That doesn't make it their decision (even though I don't advocate creating WWIII over it either) because he is the one advocating surgery after all. You are advocating just leaving the baby as he is born. My Dh eventually apologized once ds was born, but we still don't talk about it in depth. I think the psychological hurdles are very difficult, and I love dh as he is, so I'm not asking him to face them down.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by familyofsixinpa View Post

My first two sons were circumsized without hesitation. We did it to make them "match" my husband. Even though my youngest just turned one, I've already come to believe that we made a mistake in doing so. Neither boy has had any major complications as a result of the surgery, but even without such "incentive", I've turned to the perspective that we shouldn't be taking a risk and altering our children's bodies without their permission. We let our daughter decide if/when she wanted to pierce her ears; we didn't feel it was "right" to make that decision for her; why should we be making an even bigger decision about our boys' genitalia? (one that can't be reversed)

 

We're expecting another little boy in July and I'm insisting that we do not have him cut, but my husband is still on the fence. I'm seriously hoping to persuade him to leave the little guy alone by the time he arrives!



 

post #606 of 719

I want to thank everyone who has posted to this thread.  I've read every single post, and they helped me not to acquiesce in the face of unbearable pressure.  In my situation, my husband was never convinced.  The reason that my son is intact is because I told the urologist that I didn't want to do it, and he refused to proceed without both parents agreeing.  Had he been willing to go ahead, I have no idea how it would have played out.  I wrote a letter to my son in anticipation of this being done when I didn't know if I could stop it, and I thought I would share it in case it helps anyone.  I am so thankful that I don't have to carry this regret, and my heart breaks for those of you who do.

 

Dear XXXX,

 

You're cuddled up peacefully against me. You're so happy and innocent and perfect. You're four days old and you are amazing. I want to give you everything. And I'm already failing you. I'm so sorry, XXXX. I won't ask you to forgive me because I'll never forgive myself. I'm your mother and it's my job to protect you. And I don't know how to do it. This week, your dad and I will take you to a doctor's office. They will strap you to a board and cut off a perfectly healthy part of your body. The most sensitive part of your perfect little body will be raw and sore. There is no medical reason for us to do this to you or put you through this pain. But we're doing it anyway. I don't know how to stop it. I am failing you. Letting this happen goes against everything I ever wanted to teach you. I don't know how I'll be able to look you in the eyes after I do this to you. How can I teach you to love your body when I'm showing you that your body wasn't good enough? How can I teach you to be confident in being who you are when we're putting you through surgery just so you'll fit in? How can I teach you to love and accept others the way they are when we're rejecting your perfect little brand new body the way it is? How can I teach you to believe in yourself and believe that you can do anything if we think your body needs surgery because we don't think you're capable of basic hygiene? And how can I teach you that God made you when I'm showing you that God made a mistake? I'm so sorry for not protecting you. I'm so sorry that I will never be able to be the mother that you deserve now. Please know that I believed in you, XXXX. I believed that you would be a strong, confident man who would love his body the way God made it, love who he was, and not give a damn about what other people thought you should look like or who you should be. I fought for you, XXXX. I just didn't fight hard enough, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. And I will spend the rest of my life trying my best to undo the damage that I'm letting be done. I will always cherish these first few days of your life, when you were still whole and trusting and the happiest baby I've ever seen. The days before I failed you. I love you, XXXX. I'm so so sorry.

 

Love,

Mommy

post #607 of 719

Puddle,

 

Did your husband read that letter you wrote to your son?  If so, I can't see how any caring, compassionate husband could still insist on it being done, not only for your son (most important!), but also because of your strong feelings!  Wow.  Just shocking.  If I felt like this happening to my son would mean I had failed as a mother and my husband ignored those feelings and STILL insisted, the marriage would be on rocky ground, and soon. 

 

I was a single parent when my son was born, so I was lucky that the decision was mine and mine alone.  I am also happy that I had, by chance, learned about circumcision well before I was even pregnant and had already decided that it was a terrible and unnecessary procedure.  My previous boyfriend had been a chiropractor and was very opposed to circumcision, and I had also dated two uncircumcised men.  Yes, it was a bit odd at first because I wasn't used to it, but it's just like any other body part: as long as it's kept clean, there are no problems.

 

Should my son ever decide he wants to be circumcised, that's his choice when he is an adult, just as any cosmetic procedure would be.  Even then, I would strongly encourage him NOT to do it, unless he had a medical issue.  I don't think there are tons of intact men clamoring to be circ'd as adults though! 

 

My little guy is now almost six years old and has never had a single problem with his intact penis, yet I have friends with circ'd boys who have had many problems (infections, adhesions, pain, etc).

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #608 of 719
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bisou View Post

Puddle,

 

Did your husband read that letter you wrote to your son?  If so, I can't see how any caring, compassionate husband could still insist on it being done, not only for your son (most important!), but also because of your strong feelings!  Wow.  Just shocking.  If I felt like this happening to my son would mean I had failed as a mother and my husband ignored those feelings and STILL insisted, the marriage would be on rocky ground, and soon. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


My DH didn't read the letter, but I pretty much said all the same stuff to him.  He wasn't being an uncaring husband, he was just trying to be a good father.  He genuinely believed (and still does) that circing is the right thing to do, and he believes it as strongly as I believe the opposite.  He wasn't willing to sacrifice our son's well-being for mine anymore than I was willing to do the same for him.  He is convinced that someday our son will be outraged that we didn't do this for him, and that not fighting for it to be done would be failing as a father.  He is starting with the assumption that a cut penis is a superior penis, and that it's a gift we should have given our son.  While the ideal scenario would have been for DH to have been convinced, I think the way it played out was actually the next best thing in the long run. Neither of us caved in, we both stood by and fought for our son so we have no regrets about our own actions, and in the end, DS is still in one piece.  Now if that doomsday DH is anticipating ever does arrive, DH can look his son in the eye and tell him he did everything he could to have it done.  And it will all be on me.  And I welcome that responsibility, because I believe with all my heart that leaving his body alone was the right thing.

 

post #609 of 719

Puddle, I agree, leaving his body as it was created is the right thing to do. 

post #610 of 719

my husband would have had our son cut and still doesn't agree with my decision. but at the end of the day, i am the mama. my son's protector.

and since we had a homebirth, i didn't have to worry about our son going anywhere.  physically i just held him and no one could take him from me and thus my decision was sealed.  and now at 14 months old i still hold him tight!

post #611 of 719

Puddle~

 

I guess that makes sense.  Have you ever suggested that your husband talk to an uncircumcised man to see how he feels about it?  I have dated two uncirced men, and they thought it was ridiculous that we circ men in this country.  (One was from India; the other from Mexico.)  They had much better sexual function than any other men I've dated --- not to be graphic, but no problems maintaining erections and that sort of thing like some circ'd men have, especially when they are wearing condoms.  An uncirc'd penis is simply much more sensitive!

 

Has your husband read the many websites that are out there where men mourn their circumcisions?  I suppose he is circumcised himself, so he feels fine with it, but I have also heard that some fathers' reluctance to NOT circ is because they don't want to admit, even somewhere subconsciously, that they were harmed or limited by what they went through as babies.  

 

In addition to wanting my son to make his own decisions about his body, I thought, what if I decided to do this, and something went terribly wrong and he was disfigured for life?  (As if circumcision isn't disfiguring enough. . . .) I just couldn't imagine the extreme guilt one would feel having a child circumcised and having the penis end up cut off or severely mutilated.  I know it doesn't happen a lot, but just the CHANCE that that could happen for an unnecessary surgery was frightening.  That wasn't my main deciding factor, but I did think about it.

 

I also had stories of men who told me that they felt what happened to them was the same as female circumcision (I am a college writing teacher, and believe it or not, it came up in a freshman composition class!), a friend who heard her newborn baby screaming like he was being slaughtered when he was taken down the hall for circumcision in the hospital (well before I was ever a mother or even thought of it, but I thought of her story when I was pregnant with my son), and a chiropractor I dated who was forced to watch circumcision videos in chiropractic college and swore, along with all the males in his class, that he would NEVER do that to his child, should he have one.  I also live in a very liberal place, so that was a help too.

 

I am proud of you, Puddle, for standing up for what was right for your son.  Where we live, there might even be LESS boys circumcised than intact, so at least where we live, it will be very common when my son is older.  Maybe that will be the case for your boy also?  On the West Coast, it's under 40% in most states according to some statistics.  Google it!  :o)

post #612 of 719
Bump bump!
post #613 of 719

Reading this made me teary.  I, like many other moms, gave into a husbands desire for the son to look like him.  Back 32 years ago, I knew it was wrong then, but did not have the facts that are out there today to back up my feelings.  The hospital didn't give me any information on circumcision either, and since it wasn't included in my lamaze classes, I gave in to the notion that my then husband had the right to make the circ decision for our son.  When they brought my son back to me after the circ, he was shaking and sobbing, and I took one look at that red, raw little penis and knew I made a huge mistake.  There was a hurt so deep inside that I don't even know where it was, but it was there! I seriously wanted to kill my then husband and everyone who had anything to do with doing that to my baby.  I still feel the guilt, even 32 years later, but I don't beat myself up over it.  If I can make efforts to provide information and facts about the negative effects of circumcision to others, just maybe I can save at least one other baby boy.  That's what helps me heal, and healing is an ongoing process!

post #614 of 719

Reading these posts makes me want to cry for all your mamas and your sons.  I am so glad that my first born son is about to born to me at an age when I have done some research.  I'm certain that if I had gotten pregnant in my early 20s I would have circ'ed him with no thought at all.  It's not something I ever really thought about until I got pregnant and the possibility loomed.  DH's history with circumcision is a bit unusual and so the issue wasn't entirely black and white for him.

DH was born outside the US, and was left intact.  He came to the US as a very young boy and grew up in a very mainstream area.  His parents were separated, but he did spend some time with his dad, who was left intact as a child but was circ'ed at around 18 years of age for allegedly "medical" reasons (though it's not clear it was necessary).  Apparently, at some point in early adolescence DH's mother caught him trying to circ himself.  He was tired of being "weird" and picked on at school, where, as far as he knew, he was the only intact boy, and not looking like his dad.  His mother stated that they would talk about it, and if he felt strongly enough, after he'd been informed, she would take him to a doctor who would do it for him.  She then proceeded to track down every foreign man she knew and actually asked them about their penises, and asked if they would be willing to talk to her son.  And I'm so thankful she did because DH was convinced to keep himself intact "for now" and see how he felt when he was older.  When he was older and over the awkwardness of being pubescent he never reconsidered not mutilating his penis.  And he definitely doesn't regret the decision now.  But, when we found out we were having a boy, he was a bit apprehensive about leaving him intact.  I assume he was reliving some childhood traumas of being picked on and out of place (his being intact was only one reason, his being foreign another, etc.), and wanted to spare his son that experience.  We had a nice long conversation about it, and discussed the fact that circumcision is much less common these days, our son will likely not be the only, or even only one of a few.  And he came around very quickly.  Now he can't imagine cutting into our precious little boy, and he hasn't even come into this world yet.  But he still marvels (as do I) at the power of social thinking that he was considering mutilating his son's body, even though he made the decision as an adolescent and an adult not to mutilate himself, just because "that's what's done."  It boggles the mind, really.  

post #615 of 719

You are so lucky!  I am forever amazed at the lack of information in the mainstream about the effects of circumcision.  It' never easy to be different, but with the rate of RIC at 32% as of 2009, it is doubtful your son will suffer any feelings of being different!  Eventually more and more people will be educated, and those of us who understand just have to continue trying to pass the word about it.  Good Luck with your precious new son!

post #616 of 719

My beautiful and absolutely PERFECT son was born 2 weeks ago today and regretfully, he was circumcised yesterday. I never wanted to have my son circumcised for I felt it to be absolutely unnecessary and once I laid my eyes on him for the first time-and every time there after, I knew there was nothing on him that I ever wanted to change. Not even his penis. In the days leading up to the circumcision appointment, I grew more and more nervous about it. After reading up on the benefits of leaving the penis intact along with the possible risks involved with the procedure, I felt deep in my gut that circumcising him would be the wrong thing to do. It killed me to imagine him in any pain and I knew I'd never be able to live with myself if something were to go wrong. I spent the night before the procedure crying all night long dreading having to take him the next morning. I woke up and asked my boyfriend how strongly he felt about having our son circumcised. (He is circumcised) He told me he would be really upset if I didn't take our son and the same old story of "What will he think when he realizes he doesn't look like me" and "He will be made fun of for being different". I knew these things did not matter because after reading up on it all night, I knew better. He refused to listen to my feelings on the issue because "I was overreacting and being silly". So I allowed him to convince me that I was just being my usual, over protective self and I got my son and I ready to go to the hospital. Upon arriving, I started to tear up continuously and was balling by the time we were in the room waiting for the doctor to come in. They all assured me that it would be better this way- easier to keep clean etc and that he would never remember it. He may not remember, but I do. I was waiting outside the room and know he did not cry at all thanks to the numbing medicine, and that alone eased my mind for the time being. He seemed fine other than being a little fussy afterward and after keeping us there for an hour to watch for bleeding, they sent us home and I actually felt like everyone was right and I had indeed, overreacted entirely. We got home, I changed his diaper- all was fine-no bleeding. I laid him down for about an hour before I woke him up to again change his diaper and immediately went into panic mode when I found his diaper to be soaked in blood along with his onesie. I immediately called my doctor that performed the surgery and she advised me to remove the gauze and apply pressure for 5mins and if the bleeding did not stop then to take him the the ER. I could not easily remove the gauze because it was so drenched in blood and I was afraid of hurting him so I jumped into my car and took him to the ER, thinking to myself, how could I have ever went against my maternal instinct? I knew it was wrong and I still allowed myself to be swayed by other people's ignorance. When we got to the ER, they weren't even sure what to do because according to them, complications from circumcision are so rare. After talking to my doctor who did the surgery, they applied a type of topical medicine on some gauze and held it on his penis for 20mins until the bleeding stopped. It is used to constrict blood vessels to stop bleeding in many incidents. It indeed worked and almost 24hours later, my son is fine and the physical healing process has begun. The emotional healing for me however, seems very far away. I know it will look better in time, but I hate the way his penis looks now. I miss the way my son looked prior to the procedure. He was perfect in every way. His penis was perfect the way it was. I cannot go back in time and undo what has been done but I know in the future, if I ever have another son, he will no doubt be left intact. As for my son, I can only hope he grows up not to hate his penis and all I know how to do is tell him how sorry I am for not defending his rights. I am his mother and it is my job to protect him and be the voice he doesn't yet have. I failed him yesterday and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I will never feel okay with what I have done to him and I now resent my boyfriend for making me feel guilty for not going thru with it and for not listening to my feelings and beliefs. I can only hope to help any other parents out there reading this to make a better decision than I did and leave your perfect little boys the way they were intended to be-intact. We have our body parts for a reason, even if that reason is still unknown.

post #617 of 719

Rach:

 

I am so sorry for you and sad to read your heartbreaking and traumatic story.  This is something that shouldn't have happened to a perfectly healthy little boy.  I was lucky in that, as a single mom with a partner who wasn't around, I got to make these decisions myself with no pressure from anyone.  I am sorry you and your little boy had to go through this and that your partner was so unsupportive of your feelings.

 

You are brave to post here, and I hope you and your little boy heal soon.  hug2.gif

post #618 of 719

Rach hug2.gif

I'm so sorry for what you and your son went through.  You, your son, and your boyfriend are all victims of our really twisted culture.  Thank you for your story.  This thread helped save my son, and it will help save others. You did what you thought was best at the time, and your son will forgive you.  I hope you can forgive yourself.  Sending thoughts of love, healing, and peace to you and your family.

post #619 of 719

Your story made me cry, and it brought back a very traumatic memory, and that memory is 32 years old.  You will never fully recover from the guilt, but you will move on, only now you will always trust your inner Mama.  In my case, I was furious at my then husband and anyone who had anything to do with my sons circumcision, but I was most furious at myself for not standing up for my baby.  It's true, we can sometimes be very manipulated by external pressures, especially at times we are most vulnerable, but we are only human.  I have never talked to my son about his circumcision and perhaps he is happy with it, I don't know.  I am sure he probably doesn't remember it either, but like you, I will never forget how he looked before they took him from me and after they brought him back.  I don't even know if they gave him anything for the pain, but he came back shaking and crying and I felt a hurt that I don't know exactly where it was, but it was deep.  I KNEW I had made a huge mistake, and I was against it all along even without all the information available about circumcision today.  My feelings were instinctual, cutting my perfect baby made NO sense to me, period!  I never had another boy, but if I had, he would have never been cut.  It's plain wrong.  Any surgery on a baby that has no true medical necessity should be a crime.  I will never understand why people think it is no big deal.  It's a very BIG deal to a very little person, who is depending on his parents to make the right decision to leave his body perfect, the way nature intended it.  Luckily for parents today, there is so much information they can get about circumcision, and most importantly about the natural functions of the foreskin.  I believe that educating people about the natural and important functions of the foreskin, will at least make them think twice about cutting it off.  Hopefully parents will ask themselves why they would cut a living tissue off of their new baby son, if it has important functions.  We can hope.  One day I am going to talk to my son about what happened to him, and I am going to apologize to him, even if at the time he doesn't think it's necessary.  It's necessary for me.  Enjoy your new baby, they grow so fast, and feel good that you know who you are now and will always listen to your Mama instincts no matter what!

post #620 of 719

rach - i'm so sorry.  your story is very similar to mine 7 years ago.  i was a nervous wreck taking him in, it took way longer than i expected, and when they brought him back to me he had stitches in his penis. :( i think i have forgiven myself but the guilt i feel is still there and still very strong 7 years later.

 

mare - does your son have children?  i am waiting for the right time to talk to my son about his circumcision.  i'm nervous because i don't want him to think there's something wrong with his penis but i want to get the message across that i'm sorry we did this to him and that i hope he doesn't choose circumcision for his sons someday.  my husband is 33 and was circumcised and he wishes his very pro-circ parents would talk to him about it.  he wants them to know he's not happy with the choice they made, but at the same time he doesn't want to bring it up with them because what's done is done. 

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Understanding Circumcision
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Understanding Circumcision › If you regret circumcising your son(s), please post here.