If you regret circumcising your son(s), please post here. - Page 35

[mare54]

You know it doesn't matter how many people regret circumcising their baby boy......because even just one should be enough.  Anyone who is pumping themselves up on being proud that they circumcised their son.....is in some real denial.  How else can some people justify doing that to their baby?  I regret it.....I don't hate myself anymore for doing it, and my son doesn't seem to hate me for it (although I did tell him to go thank his father.....and not me!), but that doesn't mean I live with regret every day of my life.  What keeps me going is the educating of others.....and saving a baby boy from time to time from having to go through what my son went through.

[hakunangovi]

Well said.  I managed to keep my son intact when he was born, but sadly he was circumcised for phimosis at the age of 11. When I got access to the internet I discovered a whole lot of information, and realised that the urologist was totaly ignorant of the normal age of retractability, let alone treatments such as steroid creams and preputioplasty which preserve the foreskin.  I still feel bad about what happened, but there was no information to be accessed by the person on the street.  This is why I hang out here from time to time - to help spread accurate information, and hopefully spare someone else the regret that I feel.

[mare54]

Oh I am so sorry....it is shameful that our medical community is so completely ignorant about normal natural foreskin and we rely on them for accurate information and advice.  At least we used to, for me, a nurse basically was untruthful about the procedure and I felt very lied to.  I know my son suffered and I will always regret not saying NO to the nurse and the father of my child.  Thank goodness for the knowledge on the internet, since now I never see a doctor without doing my own research first and taking it with me to my appointment.  Good for you for sharing the information too!

[withlittlelungs]

I was extremely uneducated about circ when my son was born. I was under the assumption that it was routine and no big deal. I know how stupid that sounds. I didn't research the pros and cons. I SO wish I had. I feel immense guilt over this. He was not circumcised until he was a few months old, due to insurance reasons. We had no problem with his intact penis. I just thought I was "supposed" to circumcise. 
Now we are pregnant with #2 and if it is a boy, he will definitely remain intact. I live by the "know better, do better" motto, but it doesn't take away the guilt. I love DS more than anything in the world, and I feel like I made such a huge mistake. I don't want him to ever think that I cared about the wellbeing of another child more than him. 

[jessjgh1]

Jenn
There are many post on here that the poster gives permission to share. Perhaps an effort could be made to compile the ones that are like that, with a link back to the forum or thread

Although, you may want to check Intact America/NOCIRC and Whole Netork to make sure someone is not already doing this.

Give me a few weeks into September and I'd go through a bunch to see- if we split them up w a few volunteers it would be quick. Also we could try to contact the posters and get a follow up and/or permission.

In light of the new AAP statement this thread is so important- just as it always has been. I'm so ever in debt to what I read here before my son was born

Jessica

Originally Posted by culturalcreative1 

Dear Mama's,


I think it would be extremely beneficial to bring your voices out to a wider audience but I realize that there is safety in the privacy here at mothering.  For this reason, I have decided to create a blog that is exclusively comprised of stories of circumcision regret.  The stories can be emailed to [e-mail] and will be published at circregret.blogspot.com.  All stories will be published anonymously unless otherwise specified.  I have already published 3 stories and would be honored to add yours, too.


I am the Director for Intact Michigan, a local chapter of The Intact Network, our chapter page is facebook.com/IntactMI if you want to PM the page, I can answer your questions.  I can also be reached on Twitter @IntactMichigan and via email at [e-mail]


Thanks for speaking out,
Jenn


 

[mamathrifty]

My oldest is circumcised and my other two boys are not.  I feel terrible that I let them do that to my oldest baby because his dad wanted it done just because, and I was too young and foolish to do my own research as to whether it SHOULD be done.  By the time my next son was born, I was a lot more mature and looked into the information on this medical procedure and discovered it was completely medically unnecessary and carried serious risks, including death!   I am blessed that nothing bad happened to my son because of my foolishness, but there was no way I was going to subject my other boys to that!
 

[ErinMayhill]

I have 4 sons. My older 3 are circumcised, because I never even realized it was an issue. I thought most* male babies are circumcised. I even remember the nurse telling me that it's mostly black families who don't circumcise their sons. (I'm not racist...she made me think it's a cultural thing) I also thought it was healthier to be circumcised and I thought there must be a reason God had the Israelites go through circumcision. My 1st son and 3rd son have had problems with theirs. It seems to have resolved itself with my oldest, but my 5yo still has issues and I'm not sure how they will be resolved. With son #4, I now have more natural-minded friends talking about it and I looked into the issue more. I really dreaded circumcision every time and nearly passed out when I saw it for the first time on my oldest son. I really thought I was doing the right thing. I wish I had listened to my instincts cautioning me. It has made me so happy to have #4 intact. Every time I change his diaper, I am so thankful that all of him is there...nothing chopped off. I dread the thought that my older 3 may ask me someday why they're cut. What in the world will I tell them? The same thing any parent says when they've made mistakes, I guess. "I'm so sorry."

[Pam Kelty]

My regret is posted in the post below, in replying to an earlier post I read from another member.

Edited by Pam Kelty - 10/31/12 at 11:59am

[Pam Kelty]

Originally Posted by Emily79 

I totally regret having my son circumcised. I was wrong in so many ways and I am still having a hard time moving forward. I hope that he will be okay as he can be, considering.

I wrote an email to my husband one night when we started talking about the circumcision and I became really upset. I try not to think about it, but surprisingly, it seems like it gets brought up a lot. Every time it is brought up, I can't help but think about my son, strapped to the table, screaming. It runs over and over in my head how I should have snatched him up and screamed "NO!". But I let it happen. I know I failed him. So instead of rewriting the whole story, I will just copy most of the email I originally sent to my husband. I think it might be helpful for others to see my thought process too. Also- Someday I will tell my son that I am sorry. My husband doesn't want me to bring it up to him  because he doesn't want our son to think something is wrong with him. But someday I will say I am sorry.

Husband-

I can't sleep and I can't stop crying, so I thought I would write an email to get it out. Maybe it will help you understand why I am having such a hard time with it, not that you need to understand. I know you are tired of me being emotional and I don't expect you to be involved in my resolution process. I guess when you asked me what I was thinking tonight, I didn't want to tell you because I know I need to move past this. I think I told you because I hoped you could help me with it? I don't know. Whether or not you help me, or are interested in my mental issues about all this, I at least hope that writing it all down will bring me some peace.

I feel upset like someone broke up with me. Like someone died. Like I made a horrible mistake that I can't take back. Heartbroken like my chest is caving in. I just think about the day he was circumcised and my throat closes up, my eyes fill with tears, and it feels like my chest is being crushed. And I know this is weird. Who else freaks out like this over their son's circumcision?

1) I feel like I failed a major test as a mom. I knew when I saw him being strapped down that it was wrong. I think about that day and I wish I could go back and snatch him up and scream that I don't consent. I imagine it. It's what I should have done. It's what every cell in my body told me to do, but I just walked away and cried. I didn't listen to my heart screaming at me to stop the process. To protect my perfect baby. I let it happen. I failed him.

2) I am disappointed in myself. I am an intelligent person. I read book after book about childbirth. I read natural parenting blogs, books, and articles. Why didn't I think more about this? Why didn't I make it more of a priority to research the pro's and con's? Why did I slack off on such an important decision? Why did I defer to you? I was informed enough to know that I should have researched more, but I didn't. If I had researched more, I wouldn't have let it happen.

3) God made our son perfect. Why did I PERMANENTLY physically change him? Why would I think it was okay when God/Mother Nature makes every single male mammal this way? It's not there for us to remove. It served a purpose. I read recently that the sexual experience of a circumcised male is like an orchestra with parts missing. It's not the full experience. I know that he will never know that- I guess. I hope. But it's an experience that I let be taken away from him. And that's not okay.

4) I allowed a permanent alteration to our son's body that can NEVER be changed. I didn't have the right to do that. I allowed for his most private parts to be permanently altered without his consent. With all my talk about birthing rights and physical autonomy, I should have given him the same considerations. It was an unnecessary permanent procedure that has a relatively high rate of complications. How arrogant. How wrong.

5) I can't get over that I can't change this. I just want to go back and do the right thing! This is making me tear up again. I feel it in my chest. In my head I just feel like screaming- "Please! Let me do this over again! I will do it right!" OMG. I know this is crazy. This is the part that beats me up. I can't fix it. There are no "do-overs". I f'd up. I changed him forever and I hope that he is never bothered by this. I hope that he never has another day of pain from it. I hope that he has a fulfilling sex life. I hope that he can still get an erection when he is old.

6) Circumcision information is everywhere I read now. I have my favorite blogs now and I have done a lot more reading over the last two years. I have found much more circumcision information. And I've read some of it. I can't even read it all because I get too upset. It's so obvious that I've made the wrong decision. And I can't fix it. So I try not to read it, because there is no point. But it's still there, reminding me. Long lists of the ways I failed him.

So yeah. Those are the things I get upset about. I just need to figure out how to let it go. I am just so sorry. I can't even tell him I'm sorry. I can't even check in with him someday and say "Hey- is your sex life as good as you think it should be?", "Do you have any pain in your penis when you have an erection?". OMG. We can just never talk about this. I can only hope that he is okay and he is happy in this area of his life. This personal area of his life I had no business messing with.

So how am I not supposed to cry about this sometimes? I have no way of knowing he is okay. That he will be okay. And even if he is "okay", he was perfect and he will never know what he is missing. It wasn't my place to take that. I am so sorry but I can't even tell him.

I am not mad at you about this. I understand why you wanted him to be circumcised (the same as you) and I understand why this doesn't bother you the way it bothers me. And I promise to never say anything to him about it. He is perfect and I love him so much it hurts.

Okay. Goodnight.

-Emily

PS. I'm trying to let it go, I'm just not doing a very good job of it.

When I read your post, it was like reading the exact same thoughts, emotions and reactions that I went through after discovering the truth about circumcision and realizing what a horrible thing that I had allowed to happened to my boys, when all I ever wanted was to be the best mother I could ever be. I had thought up until that time that I had been the best mom ever, now I feel like a complete failure. I don't think I will ever forgive myself, even though they say it's ok and they forgive me.  When you wrote: "I can't sleep and I can't stop crying, so I thought I would write an email to get it out. Maybe it will help you understand why I am having such a hard time with it,..", I wrote the exact same words, the only difference was I was writing to my 2 sons that night. I couldn't stop crying, I felt so much remorse, sadness, guilt, etc, etc., I decided to write both my sons an email and apologize for what happened to them and explain how and why it happened. My sons were 31 and 26 at the time, (6 months ago). I'm still not dealing with it very well. I just can't get over how I could have ever allowed such a horrible thing to happen to my boys, they are my everything!!!

In my case, my first son is circumcised (like his father), and my second son is intact (like his father). You may wonder why I feel remorse for my second son. Even though he wasn't circumcised, I was told to retract his foreskin from the very beginning. His first 3 or 4 yrs were horrible because of the forced retractions done by his doctor during routine check ups. I felt to blame because they said I was not forcing it back during diaper changes and bath times. I would only push as far as it would go without hurting him. I hate doctors now! I had put all my faith and trust in them, thinking that they knew better than me what was best for my sons. Turns out they didn't after all!!!

[hakunangovi]

Pam,  hugs to you!  You were not to blame, our uninformed and ignorant medical system is.  My son was born in '81 and I was adamant that he remain intact.  We had no opposition from the doctor with regard to that, but, we too, were instructed to "retract his foreskin gently at each bath".  This we diligently did and by the age of 5 he was half way retractile, with no apparent trauma.  Then at the age of 7 he got a little slit in his foreskin when he pulled it back, which must have stung like crazy, and made him cry.  We asked our new doctor,  who happened to be Irish, about this and he stated that there was no need to retract.  I am sure DS never did again.  Then one night when he was 11,  I woke to him crying and calling for me. He had gone for a pee and it was obviously causing much pain. The next day the Dr diagnosed a UTI and prescribed antibiotics which cured him in a day.  However it was noted that his foreskin was no longer able to retract and we were sent to a urologist.  He was an arrogant basket and insisted that Ds must be circumcised.  I showed him the information that I had found in support of intactness and argued with him. However, in those pre internet days there was not much information to be had, and my main opposition was based on gut feeling and the disappointment and anger that I have always felt at being circumcised myself.  His response was to walk out of the room.  Sadly DW still believed that DS had a problem and took him back to get circumcised.  Since gaining access to the internet, I have learned that there are many treatments for a tight foreskin that do not involve amputation.  I am still furious that the urologist was not aware of any of them.  I too have a huge distrust of the medical system.  It is them who are to blame.  We were just unwitting victims of their arrogance and ignorance.

[mare54]

It is heart wrenching to read these stories about decisions that can't be taken back and feelings of failure to protect babies.  So many people can relate.....and even the ones who "deny" all of it, get defensive because of regret they have pushed down for so long.  Having been in this situation for 33 years.....making the same uniformed decision so many years ago and feeling guilty for not protecting my son when he depended on me to do so, I can tell you that the regret never, ever goes away.  I've dealt with the guilt and by committing to continue my education about infant circumcision and by sharing the information with as many people as possible so that a baby boy might be saved from this barbaric procedure along the way.  The way to turn around this kind of helpless feeling of not being able to go back and make a different decision for your own child, is to share important information with others.  If only one person would have given me real facts to go along with my instinctual urges to say NO to circumcision.....I know I would have made a much different decision for my son.  Knowledge is power and if we continue to gain knowledge and pass on that knowledge, I know we can make a difference for so many other baby boys.  Good luck to all of you.  There is a Facebook group for parents who regret circumcising their sons as well as a similar group on Baby Center.  Here are two places you can get a lot of support that can help you move on and do something positive with your regret.

[raetsel]

I made an account just to say this - my son's circumcision is the one event in my life that disturbs me so much that I can't bear to think about it (and I've experienced lots of lovely things like an adored parent killing himself to give you some reference for scale - I'd much rather think about that in detail).

My son was born about a month early. He peeked out at me, his naive 19-year-old mother, when I first held him and said "hi" then closed his eyes for ~3 weeks. He had no fat on him - he was not fully ready to be born, but was fine, normal-weight and so on. I explain this just because it makes what happened and how he reacted seem even more dramatic.

I don't remember signing anything or having to consent to anything to do with circumcision, but I was 19 years old & felt ridiculous for being pregnant since I looked about 14 & people in hospitals treat you pretty much as such. I'd been stuck in a hospital for a month to keep him from being born way too early & had just been gliding along by doctors decisions of what was best to have a healthy baby.

So, the day my son was born, the doctor who does the circumcising there wasn't in. I had to actually take my baby back in a couple of days. I can't even type that without lots of tears.

So, here is my nightmare:

I took my son in.

They don't let you go in with him.
They don't really explain anything at all.

I don't remember if I could hear him screaming - it seems to me that I could, but honestly, the brain is good at wiping things from your memory when they're just too much to handle.

I remember the nurse coming out and telling me it was done & that he almost sat up while strapped on the board. ALMOST SAT UP - a newborn who was early and wasn't even opening his eyes. How sick is that??????!!!!

The whole way home and for much of the day, my tiny little boy was making that upset noise like you would after you have cried your eyes out and can't catch your breath. FOR HOURS.

I can't even hardly write this and it has been 19 years since this happened.

So, please, anyone, don't do it. Don't learn the hard way that it's just so obviously wrong.

[mama24-7]

Originally Posted by raetsel 

I made an account just to say this - my son's circumcision is the one event in my life that disturbs me so much that I can't bear to think about it (and I've experienced lots of lovely things like an adored parent killing himself to give you some reference for scale - I'd much rather think about that in detail).

My son was born about a month early. He peeked out at me, his naive 19-year-old mother, when I first held him and said "hi" then closed his eyes for ~3 weeks. He had no fat on him - he was not fully ready to be born, but was fine, normal-weight and so on. I explain this just because it makes what happened and how he reacted seem even more dramatic.

I don't remember signing anything or having to consent to anything to do with circumcision, but I was 19 years old & felt ridiculous for being pregnant since I looked about 14 & people in hospitals treat you pretty much as such. I'd been stuck in a hospital for a month to keep him from being born way too early & had just been gliding along by doctors decisions of what was best to have a healthy baby.

So, the day my son was born, the doctor who does the circumcising there wasn't in. I had to actually take my baby back in a couple of days. I can't even type that without lots of tears.

So, here is my nightmare:

I took my son in.

They don't let you go in with him.
They don't really explain anything at all.

I don't remember if I could hear him screaming - it seems to me that I could, but honestly, the brain is good at wiping things from your memory when they're just too much to handle.

I remember the nurse coming out and telling me it was done & that he almost sat up while strapped on the board. ALMOST SAT UP - a newborn who was early and wasn't even opening his eyes. How sick is that??????!!!!

The whole way home and for much of the day, my tiny little boy was making that upset noise like you would after you have cried your eyes out and can't catch your breath. FOR HOURS.

I can't even hardly write this and it has been 19 years since this happened.

So, please, anyone, don't do it. Don't learn the hard way that it's just so obviously wrong.

You are as much a victim as your son is.  Those people who took & did this to your son are not practicing medicine; they are committing society sanctioned abuse.  I'm sorry for you both.  

Have you tried talking to your son about this?  I imagine that it may be difficult to bring up & talk about.  Also, I have no idea about the laws, but I have heard of men who sue the doctor once they become an adult.  Perhaps you both could look into that.  IMO, it's important for him to know that you made a mistake so that he does not make the same mistake.  However, never having been in this situation, I am not telling you what to do, just sharing my opinion & why I have it.

Best wishes to you both.

Sus

[Blueberry159]

My first son is circumcised, and it's my deepest regret. The surgery was extremely painful for him and he has had common complications and infections.  When he is a little older, we will apologize to him from the bottom of our hearts for violating his human rights, and taking away part of his body without his consent. We will support him in anyway that he needs. We were well intentioned but so ignorant... I can only hope and pray that he will be able to forgive us one day.

 

My second son is intact. He has benefitted from his foreskin and will continue to benefit from it for the rest of his life. I am so glad we learned more, and did better for our second son.

 

I believe that both girls AND boys deserve to have their rights to genital autonomy protected. I also feel that our cultural and religious freedoms should end where another human's body begins.

 

In my humble opinion, every parent should learn about the functions of the foreskin before making this decision. I wish I had, maybe my first son would still be intact.

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/functions-of-foreskin-purposes-of.html?m=1

[mercy96]

Your stories are heartbreaking. Its really not your fault, blame society. What is the circ rate in the US? Really, circ is more attractive?

I decided not to circumsize after seeing a documentary on female genital mutilation aka "female circumsicion".  The cleanliness reason is used for fgm and I really dont see the difference for males or females.

[bon jody]

i am writing this because i am heart broken.  My son turned 4 just over a week ago.  His father, my ex, does not see the children often, sometimes for months at a time.  They have never spend the night with him.  He chose to see them 3 hours a fortnight and cancels often.  He is a liar and i nag him about being honest when it comes to the kids...apparently he wanted to stick it to me for being bossy about the kids that i have done all the work and taken all the responsibility for.  He picked them up in the morning...called me in the evening to ask what they eat because he doesn't even know that, it was the longest he has spent with them....when they came home my son was circumcised.  My 4 year old who hadn't seen his daddy for nearly 2 months was held down by strangers, blind folded, and circumcised while he screamed.  The helplessness i feel...i handed them over to that man and he did this.  He even arranged for a woman to meet him there and the doctor thought she was the mother.  He said he did it because he is their father...that's the only explanation.  He told his sister it is because i refused to get it done...he only spoke about it once, a year ago.  I said not now, when he is older he can make that choice himself.  I never heard another word about it until it was done and there is nothing i can do.  My son is angry, he wants to punch people, he hates his willy...he still loves his daddy though.  I apologised to him and told him it was ok to be angry with someone and still love them, i told him i didn't know, i wouldn't have let it happen...he looked so relieved to hear that and opened up about what happened.  He was told it would not hurt and that he was not allowed to cry.  When it burns he screams and asks if he can cry...of course you can, you cry as much as you need to. 

Still he is making me out to be the bad guy....it's because i talk too much, nag him...well he really showed me, didn't he.

He had it easy.  No responsibility and could see them when ever he chose.  I will now get sole legal custody, there was no reason for what he did other than spite.  My son will forever be different to his brother and most of his friends, he is still screaming in agony and wetting himself ....  We spent the next day at hospital and they have made formal complaints about the clinic that did this without my knowledge.  They have offered me councelling which i will take up, and i am arranging the same for my son.  I wasn't there to protect my son.  This was done to him because someone is angry with me. What if this ruins his life?  How could he do something irreversible just because he wanted to? i never realised how serious circumcision was until my sons basic rights were taken from him in such a brutal way. 

[MichelleZB]

WHAT?!?!?!

Can you take further legal action? This is really shocking and horrible.

[bon jody]

i have been given advice to sue on behalf of my son but i don't know if i have the strength to do that.  I will go to court for sole legal custody and the hospitals child protection staff will back me 100% and apparently so will the police.  I spoke to the doctor that did it and he said there were about 3 or 4 people that went and he thought it was the whole family. They were suppose to be my friends too.  My younger son is acting out now and is angry at me...i wonder if it is because he was there too.

[mare54]

My heart goes out to you.  I had a similar situation with an ex husband that used our two children to "get back" at me.  He also made plans and didn't show up, often leaving the two of them with packed bags sitting out on the driveway for hours......it was almost too much to watch.  They still wanted to go with him and maybe I'll never know why.  They are grown now with families of their own, but my daughter (who is the oldest....)  still bends over backwards to try and keep him in her and her children's lives.  On the other hand, she doesn't have a problem letting me know exactly how she feels about me sometimes!!!!  Anyway, what a horrible thing for your EX to do to your son.  He could have trust issues for years to come after being assaulted like that.  My Ex husband demanded that our son be circumcised at birth.....which I did not want to do....but ended up caving into his wishes to avoid confrontation. I will never forgive myself for not protecting my son.  He was born perfectly healthy and there was NO reason to surgically alter his genitals.  I question now if he was given anything for pain.....and it breaks my heart!  That was 33 years ago and the experience is still fresh in my memory.  I hope you are able to resolve the issues with your Ex......but your son can never be given back what was taken from him.  It's just horrible.  Good luck to you.......

[beru]

Originally Posted by bon jody 

i have been given advice to sue on behalf of my son but i don't know if i have the strength to do that.  I will go to court for sole legal custody and the hospitals child protection staff will back me 100% and apparently so will the police.  I spoke to the doctor that did it and he said there were about 3 or 4 people that went and he thought it was the whole family. They were suppose to be my friends too.  My younger son is acting out now and is angry at me...i wonder if it is because he was there too.

I am horrified by your story and am in tears. I am so sorry for your boy and for you. I am glad you feel you have the support of hospital staff. Good luck.