I need a polite way to say....

[alegna]

Okay. My sister is having a boy. I have no idea where she or her DH really stand on circ.

I need a polite way to say- So, you're not going to hack off a chunk of your baby's penis, are you?

What I've got so far is maybe a simple "I don't need to convince you not to circ, do I" email with a link to Fleiss' article.

I don't want to be too pushy in case she's already not going to. If I find out she plans to or is undecided, never fear- the big guns will be brought out.

We don't have a super-close relationship and email communication is probably best for a number of reasons.

any grand ideas?

-Angela

[alegna]

I'm not expecting improvements in family harmony But I would like for them to not circ- 'cause if they circ that's the end of that relationship. I won't tolerate that.

Anyone else?

-Angela

[mysticmomma]

I would say something like, I know you are a smart mama bear that is going to protect your little ones at all costs. I had no idea circ was so bad until I... and talk about how you first found out. Maybe with a little info on why they do it and why it's not needed? I'd also try to stay as low key and non-conspiracy theorist as possible.

[MamaJenese]

Recently a friend of mine from high school found out she was having a boy (her first child). We had just got back in touch after years so it was sort of wierd but I wanted to bring it up to her. I said something along the lines of, there are so many decisions to make when you are having a baby I felt like all I did was research, listed circ along with a bunch of things and then mentioned that my DS was intact. Offered any references to the many things I listed. She did end up asking me about circ and did decide to keep her son intact:. I felt like framing it that way sort of took the heat off. Especially when unfortunatly it is something so many parents don't even think to look into.

[calngavinsmom]

I printed out the Mothering article and put it in an envelope. I wrote on the front "Just an interesting article, in case you are interested " when my stepsis was expecting.

When my friend was expecting, I sent an email with a link to the Mothering article and wrote "I am eternally grateful to the person who sent this to me when I was expecting, so I am passing it on to you" in the body of the message.

There are ways of opening lines of communication on this topic without being "rude" as pp has suggested. I for one did not find it rude when someone at work asked me when I was expecting my first. In fact, it reassured my instincts that circ was wrong were right and led me to look further into it, resulting in two intact sons:

Take care and good luck!

[jeliphish]

hmmmm...since I don't know your sister nor the details of your relationship I will just give a general suggestion that will hopefully be helpful. If it were me...the way I generally approach things at first is stating a positive of sorts. My email would probably go like this: (if this is her first that is; if not some of the wording could be changed ).

Dear sis

I hope that you know that I am really excited about finding out that this little one is going to be a boy. It's completely a life changing moment when they are born and it's the first time (for me at least) that I was able to comprehend just how much mom and dad love us... I truly can not wait for you to experience birth and motherhood. I am so happy for you.

I guess you know my stance on this but I wanted to reach out to you hoping that at least you may research some of this information on your own.

(list articles, etc. etc.)



I find it generally more successful to not make it about the procedure itself, but about the future implications. It's true that there have been a lot of medical improvements so it's not as barbaric as it used to be but that doesn't negate the fact that it's still barbaric. I have had success as well by stating that it's just something that needs to be decided by the owner of the penis. If he decides as an adult to have himself circed then all is well...it's his penis.

In general, relating yourself to an individual yields more positive results. Police negotiations, case worker relations...we are all taught to find a starting point in which you truly relate to that person and begin from there. Does that make sense? Even if it's a lie, you could say that you remember feeling like there was no way that you would not circ your son but then after you read an article in your pedi's office that you realized that it was no longer recommended on normal, healthy infants. And after that discovery, you researched it further and discovered so much more info.

HTH!

[alegna]

Thank you thank you! : Perfect. Lots of good bits.

Hopefully I can shoot her off something short and sweet this afternoon.

-Angela

[jeliphish]

Originally Posted by alegna

Thank you thank you! : Perfect. Lots of good bits.

Hopefully I can shoot her off something short and sweet this afternoon.

-Angela

Update us!

[alegna]

Originally Posted by Quirky

Angela, I think I'd keep it more neutral -- "have you researched circumcision yet? Here's a great resource I found when I was pregnant with ds." And send one or two links or articles, no more. Don't send a huge amount of info because it's not likely to get read.

Yeah, I'm going to stick to the Fleiss article to start with

-Angela

[rmzbm]

Def. update. l know TWO moms right now having boys, both circing. Very frusterating.

So she must have had a us then? Funny to hear your sister doing things differently than you. Any chance she's HBing? OT, but curious.

The suggestions above are good. Until you know.

Good luck!

[savithny]

If they are Penn and Teller fans, you could point them towards their video on the subject?

(Disclaimer: I haven't seen it all, but I have heard it described by friends who don't deal well with other forms of crunchy radicalism as being a major turning point in their discussions on the subject).

[Talula Fairie]

Honestly, there is no polite way to inquire about what someone else is going to do with their child's penis. It's just not a polite question. Especially if it's not someone you're close to.

Should it come up in conversation -a totally different situation- I think I would say something like, "There is no medical reason to circumcise, and for the most part routine infant circumcision is falling out of favor. It is purely a cosmetic procedure and the foreskin actually does have a purpose."

Sticking with the facts makes it seem less judgmental and it tends to go over better. It can be hard to reserve your own opinion in those things, but ultimately if you say something like, "I think circumcision is a cruel human rights violation" people can take it pretty personally. It totally alienates them, and then the only thing they will do is ignore your advice.

[Talula Fairie]

Uh, the title of the thread said "I need a polite way to say..."

So that would be what politeness has to do with it.

[Quirky]

But your response (and that of a PP) was that there IS no polite way to bring it up, because we're talking about penises.

And I disagree. It is not inherently an impolite topic.

It is totally appropriate and polite to say, "Hey, have you researched circumcision yet or had the talk with hubby? I just wanted to pass along these really helpful resources."

Just as it would be to say "Hey, have you researched breastfeeding yet? I just wanted to pass along these really helpful resources."

Ditto for any issue around childbirth, diapering, diaper rash, etc. Hey, we're talking about genitals, breasts, and urine and excrement [that happen to come out of genitals and anuses] -- should all these be off-limits to polite discussion? Why should ONLY a discussion about cutting penises be rude?

[mamazee]

I only have girls, but I did plan to not circ if I had a boy, and that was a change from my original thought. I remember at the OB office and there was a space to check "Are you planning to circumcise if you have a son?" and I asked dh and he said, "Yeah, I guess" and I checked "yes". And didn't think about it after that.

Then someone said something like, "There are so many decisions to be made when you have a baby, and a lot of the decisions we seem to make without thinking, but really it's worth a little bit of research on some of this stuff." And she mentioned a few things, I don't remember what all but I remember circ, and I said, "Aren't all boys circ'd?" and she said, no, that fewer and fewer are being circ'd. So I did a bit of Googling and talked to dh and we decided not to.

Anyway, it was brought up by a friend who brought it up on her own without my starting the conversation, and I'm really glad she did because if I HAD had a boy, and I'd circ'd him without thinking, and THEN learned when I know now, I would be sad.

[To-Fu]

Reminder about upholding the UA in this thread--please read!

All UA and forum guidelines have been removed from this thread. We ask everyone to please keep in mind that personal attacks are not welcome anywhere on MDC, and that the new forum guidelines for TCAC ask that we avoid using pejorative language (likening circumcision to rape, domestic violence, etc.). I realize it can be difficult at times to honor those rules and guidelines when one feels strongly about an issue like circumcision, which is why we're asking everyone to think carefully before posting and be sure that what you're writing is in line with Mothering's UA.

In short, the thread is back! It can stay as long as everyone plays nice.

Thanks for understanding.

[milimama]

Wow, this got heated!
I honestly think that if you don't have the kind of relationship with your sister that will allow you to discuss this issue without discomfort than you may in fact turn her off to the idea of not circumcising. She might associate that choice with a negative reaction to what she feels is an intrusion on your part and close her mind.

I didn't circ and I am really irritated when people ask my why I didn't. To someone without passionate views on the subject, someone on the fence, such questions can feel invasive and may even offend much in the way questions about your decision not to offend you and me.

Why don't you 'trust' your sister to make the right choice?

If you care for your sister perhaps a closer relationship might be in order, one which would allow you to know your nephew in a way that would make future conversations on such personal topics appropriate?

Good luck!

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by milimama

If you care for your sister perhaps a closer relationship might be in order, one which would allow you to know your nephew in a way that would make future conversations on such personal topics appropriate?

Exactly.

[alegna]

eh, if only it was that easy. Been there, done that, tried. She even lived with us for a year. The relationship is what it is. We're very different people.

I *think* she'll make the right decision. I just can't risk not making sure she's aware of the realities.

I can't maintain a relationship with anyone who knows better and does it. Simply where my ethical line lies. So hopefully she doesn't.

-Angela

[Ola_]

How about bringing up a recent news story or a study or something, sort of a "hey, did you hear that ... ?" (something talking about benefits of not circing or similar). That way it's like a 3rd party saying it which to some people makes it sound more authoritative. Then you can see her reaction like if she says "eww, that's gross, everyone circs" you can bring up some information to help convince her, etc. I think this would work better in person than in email though.