I want DD at birth, husband doesn't. WTD???

[skylarsmom08]

My DD is 15 months and I'm due in 4 weeks. I really want her at the birth and think she'll do fine (she's pretty independent and our house is extremely baby proof so she can run around without fear).
I would like to have my best friend come for the birth to watch her (just in case she needs extra attention). This is my best friend in the whole world, more like a sister and I've been trying to convince her of a natural birth for when she gets pregnant.
The problem is that I've told my MIL that she's not allowed at the birth under any circumstances. My husband supports me on this, but doesn't understand why my friend would be allowed.
I told him that we'd call her (my friend) if it looked like DD needed extra attention. He thinks that we should have his mom watch DD. I don't know how he thinks the logistics would work on that...I don't want him leaving for over an hour to take her to her house and there's no way in hell I would let her drive my DD, plus I want my DD there when the baby's born.
I guess my question is "how do I present it to him so he's okay with my friend being there?"
I want him to be happy with the experience, but I really feel that it should ultimately be up to me since I'm the one laboring and birthing our baby.

*I should add that it's entirely possible that my friend won't be in town when I go into labor, she lives part time now in San Diego, CA for work, and we're in FL. So I don't want to make a huge issue of it and then her not even be here. *

[jess152]

Originally Posted by skylarsmom08

*I should add that it's entirely possible that my friend won't be in town when I go into labor, she lives part time now in San Diego, CA for work, and we're in FL. So I don't want to make a huge issue of it and then her not even be here. *

Ohh, this doesn't sound good. What is your back up plan if your friend isn't around? If things get difficult (for you or your 15 month old) who is there to help out in case of a transfer or whatever might come up?

I don't have the greatest relationship with my MIL, but in a pinch, she'd help out and I'm sure she'd respect my boundaries if I said I only wanted her to bring in my DS just as baby is born. What is your MIL like, in that respect?

In the rare case of a transfer too, someone needs to either bring your LO or stay at home with her. I'd plan for any scenario, just in case! You don't want to be left scrambling and the timing couldn't be worse IYKWIM.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by jess152

Ohh, this doesn't sound good. What is your back up plan if your friend isn't around? If things get difficult (for you or your 15 month old) who is there to help out in case of a transfer or whatever might come up?

I agree. I'd be extremely uncomfortable with this situation. You don't know how your dd is going to do. A toddler could well find watching you in labor unsettling and frightening. You don't know if your friend will even be in town. This leaves your dh, who you will need, the midwife, who will need to be with you - and who to watch dd? Make a backup plan!!

[deymm]

My MW requires that a "baby handler" be there if the child is going to be present. So for that and several other reasons, we decided my son will go to my sister's house for the birth. Honestly, I think your DD is too young to be there unattended and you need to make arrangements for her.

[marie1080]

We're really struggling with getting a good companion for DD at our birth as well- and I absolutely don't want my mother or MIL! I hope you can figure out a good solution.

[skylarsmom08]

If my MIL was someone that was respectful of my wishes I wouldn't mind her being upstairs, but she would be the most distracting, annoying thing in the world if she was here. We do have some really good friends that live about 10 minutes away (and I trust to watch my DD) so I think they'll be my back up plan if my girlfriend is out of town. I'm pretty sure my husband would be fine with that and if he has to drive her over, it's not very far away so I'd be fine without him for a little while.
Thanks for your responses, just reading them actually made me think about our other friends (mommy brain) )
thanks ladies

[mommyfied]

Well, you can explain to DH that your friend isn't there for the birth, but to watch DD? You need to focus on giving birth and MIL will make you uncomfortable. (Isn't that really the issue?) I agree with the others - in the case your friend is out of town, you'll need a backup. MIL would be a logical choice, but if you did use her you'd want to plan in advance so she would be clear on not bothering you during labor and that her #1 priority is DD. Ask your midwife about this. She may have some suggestions since these kinds of issues come up a lot.

I was nervous about having my mom come watch DD. I just didn't feel comfortable with it but I knew that it was the only choice. It turned out that SIL came in from out of town the weekend I was due and she was here to watch DD. It was perfect. My labor was super fast so my mom wouldn't have made it. It would have been scary for DD if she didn't have someone here focusing on her. She was 28 months and pretty mature for her age. She was also very prepared for everything that would happen, and I thought she might be able to see the birth. However, it was pretty fast and furious at the end and I was really happy she had SIL with her in the other room.

(EDIT - I see you posted while I was typing this. I'm glad you have some other options.)

[mommyfied]

grrr... how did this double post get here... sorry

[Peony]

Glad to hear you thought of another back up plan. DD2 was 2.5y when DS was born and she required someone watching her. SHe wanted to be with me but got scared, labor is scary for a toddler! I had wanted her to watch the birth like DD1 had with DD2's birth but like another poster said it was a fast and furious labor and even though she was downstairs she didn't get to see the birth. Which was probably a good thing, I wasn't exactly a calm, peaceful mother at that moment.


If your friend is in town then I'd just present it to your hubby that you need a child wrangler that won't distract you in anyway, despite you loving MIL you know that you won't be able to fully be yourself with her in the house but you don't care what your friend sees or hears.

[almadianna]

It is your birth, you can have who you want at your birth and really your husband should respect that.

I had my toddler at my birth and it was great for her!! I prepared her for the sounds and pushing, she was concerned and helped me a great deal. Seeing her gave me strength and really helped me.