I apparently have no idea what I am doing...I am crying...I am at odds...I am tired and I am out...

[festivefeet]

After so many battles and a new phase that seems as though it will last for eternity, I am clueless. I have tried identifying feelings, talking through things calmly, I have tried time outs and losing privileges. Over the course of many weeks, NOTHING is working. I don't know how to break the habit of my almost 4 year old daughter hitting, scratching and kicking me and even blowing raspberries when she is frustrated. I don't know where this is all coming from, I feel like a failure as a mother. Of course I am emotional right now as I write, so I am being slightly dramatic I am sure, but the truth is, I feel helpless. I don't have the patience for long manuals of how to, I am tired, I can't read another book that goes on and on.

Please help.
Jessica

[LynnS6]

My suggestion would be to separate her from you while she's hitting/biting/scratching. when she's got a bit of it out of her system, you can reconnect. But a child who is doing that is telling me, in not so many words, that they really can't handle being near me right now. It's not punishment. When our kids hit, they went to their rooms. Period.

Some kids need to be near someone when they're frustrated, other kids need to be left alone.

[festivefeet]

Putting her in her room....?

We are actually dealing with the physical by placing her in her room right now. I ask her if she wants to go to her room to calm down on her own or if she needs my help in getting there. Normally I have to take her. Then I inform her that Mommy wants to play and snuggle and have fun, but that we cannot be together until she is ready to be calm and kind.

The struggle is: She doesn't stay there. Her room is upstairs (it's the only bedroom upstairs). She will continue coming down. How do I stop that? Did you take them to their room on the first hit or did you say, "If you choose to use your hands to hit Mama again, you will need to go to your room until you can use your words." I seem to do the latter.

Oh, this is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I am ignoring her and not giving her the emotional attention she needs when she is in her room and I feel horrible. However, if I allow her to be with me, she continues to act out with aggression.

Jessica

[D_McG]

Is she getting enough sleep?

[Oriole]

I know this might be a silly question, but... what tires her out during the day? Does she go out every day? Park? Sport? Friends? I find it very important to make sure that little ones get the outlet for the bubbled up energy, and in many cases, I feel like it is half the solution right there.

At least with DSD, I've always noticed how much better she behaved when her day was filled with activity. She is into her teens now, and it still applies to a degree. On the days she goes to the gym or a walk, she is generally much more polite and cheerful.

*big big hugs*

[54321]

Hi there-

Hugs and huge support. My daughter is 6 now but she has had times of aggression from 2-4.

Just some questions and/or ideas.

Since the room is upstairs...would a time-out spot or stair work better??

I never had luck with "the room". I also remember reading somewhere that the downside to sending a youngster to their room for "time-out" is that the room a) should be a positive place not a negative one and b) it is hard to time out in a room full of cool stuff.

My daughter often acted out more with hitting and biting when I was distracted from her. I used to work more hours than I do now and what I did (a realtor) caused me to be distracted even when I was in the same room. I found when I was able to put things aside for a chunk of time..she then gave me time to make phone calls or just veg for myself for a few minutes.

Just some things that came to mind when reading your shares.

Lisa

[Isamama]

I hear you on how hard it is! Is there something major going on? Is she at a certain developmental stage? Has there been a shift in her schedule?

I think we all feel like we don't know what we are doing sometimes. You saw my post the other day. I do know (when I have had time to reflect) that I have the most trouble with my dd when we haven't had good connecting time, when there has been a difficult transition, or when I am in a bad mood. Also, the hungry/tired bit plays into it as well. These are things to think of as preventative tools. In the moment, I have come to the conclusion that the best I can do is to as calmly and gently as I can muster, remove myself from the situation (so that I don't continue to get hurt). "Punishing" her in the moment isn't useful to her or you. None of us can "hear" as lesson when we are extremely upset, especially children. Think about a time when you were really angry/upset--were you receptive to learning a lesson? Kids really can't. It is developmentally impossible for them. Of course, I often forget this when I am caught up in my own feelings of upset and/or anger. I tend to fall back on ways similar to how I was raised. Ways that when I am calm and in my "right" mind I know aren't the way I want to parent. That is why I posted the other day. I needed support and suggestions or reminders about how kids are.

In general, taking away privileges from kids that are our kids ages doesn't make any sense b/c they can't hold that in there minds. I was very tempted to do that myself, then realized that it made no sense, b/c again, it is developmentally impossible for them.

I am glad you posted. Don't give up hope. Tomorrow is a fresh day. This post is meant to be inspirational. Just as who replied to my post the other day. I forget what I know to be developmentally true for kids (age appropriate) when I am upset or angry. This is a gentle reminder. I know you said you didn't want a book suggestion, so chuck it if you are not open to it, but I highly recommend looking at Gordon Neufeld's work. He is a developmental psychologist. His approach is based on attachment theory and developmental stages. I am reviewing it now. It is more of a preventative approach. If you can only stand to read a little bit (just like me), I recommend reading the chapter, "Discipline that does not divide." It is from his book "Hold on to your kids."

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by Isamama

I recommend reading the chapter, "Discipline that does not divide." It is from his book "Hold on to your kids."

Thought of this book too, when I read this post. It really helped me look at the ways I detach from the kids when they irritate me/disobey me, instead of focusing first on the relationship with them. It opens up a whole new range of discipline possibilities. I doubt timeout will change her physical behavior but I understand that you need to protect yourself too. Are you strong enough to hold her during the tantrum so that neither of you are hurt? I would probably try that once and see how it goes. Maybe keep repeating something while you are doing it like "you are so sad (or whatever), you can't hit mom". Can you work on avoiding the tantrums by giving her more choices or slowing life down a bit? Like pinpoint when they happen the most (leaving, going etc) and then work on solutions around the situation. I hear you. Each day brings so many challenges. So many mistakes. I think discipline is such a tricky one and I would really recommending some outside help (like the aforementioned book

[festivefeet]

Thank you.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

My husband was laid off about three weeks ago. This started before that though, but has intensified. I am sure we are more stressed and she can sense it.

Also, we have taken away nap, she was not going down. We would nurse for an hour or more and she would still be awake. So, no "nunnies" is also new. However outwardly, with words, she has not seemed affected, but maybe this has something to do with it. Maybe I need to find other ways to smoosh with her that will at least stand in for that time we had at naps. Also no nap is probably making her more cranky.

We have had some REALLY hot days, so we have been indoors a lot. Unfortunately. Maybe I need to get her to a pool or somewhere where she can get out energy that is cool. I just don't like treating home like it's a hotel, made for stop ins and sleep, ya know what I mean. I think home does bring stability. Going out is good too, just not all the time.

I have heard of the book that you recommended and have it on hold at the library. Thank you for reminding me of it. I am reading "How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk", at the moment. It is very good. I have been trying to express my feelings more when she is acting out, rather than just asking her to stop.

Time outs escalate her and bring upon more hitting. So, I will continue to bring her to her room I think. I am going to try to be consistent with that for a while and see what happens. Not locking her in though. Just telling her that she can come and join me when she is ready to be kind and calm.

Thank you so much for all of your insights and encouragement.

J.

[mama k nj]

((hugs))
Consistancy is key no matter what you decide. (You probably know that, but it bears repeating.) They are still learning where their boundries are.

No great advice, but I can relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes parenting in a more gentle and respectful way is simply more work on the parent's part. Hang in there.

[pumpkinseed]

I am going through this exact same thing with my 4.5 yr old dd. I have had days of feeling like you as well. Our dds sound similar. We tried the room approach when she gets physical with me, her sister or dh. Interestingly, when dh tells her to go to her room to calm down-she goes-and stays. With me-she says no-sticks out her tongue, etc...and I had to physically carry her there-repeatedly-which doesn't feel right.

I am reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and it is at least helping me by reminding me to try to remain calm and that she is not doing these things to get to me-she is trying to figure things out and needs my help to learn how to handle her feelings. It.is.hard. On days where I remember this-it works-not meaning she is "perfect"-she is an extremely spirited child-however, when it works-I am able to help diffuse the situation much quicker and without physical force (picking her up to try to get her to calm down, or go to a chair, or her room, etc...)

I also agree with Isamama-connecting time with dd plays a huge part in her physical aggressiveness.