UC Support Thread II - Page 4

[violet]

Hello all, I've been enjoying your posts. We are 14 weeks pregnant and planning our second UC. DD is almost 2 and she was my first and a beautiful, empowering UC.

ChildoftheMoon - Your question about tearing reminded me of a humorous moment after DD's birth. DH was the only one there besides my MIL (who sweetly hid out in the back bedroom keeping the curious dog away). After things had settled down and I'd passed the placenta, DH offered to check me for tears. Now, of all people on the planet, DH is the one with the most experience with this part of my anatomy--probably even more so than myself. And here I was, just having given birth, still totally naked with a babe on my breast, and I'm suddenly and irrationally modest. I didn't want him to check me. It still makes me laugh. Of course he insisted and there were no tears, so I don't have much advice about what to do, other than we had the glue and planned to use it unless it was beyond what we thought we could handle.

There was an earlier question about preparation vs. freedom to go with the flow. I am a firm believer in visualization. DD was exactly like my "perfect birth" plan. Not without pain, but without problems. But I also visualized other scenarios and had prepared myself for all the different possibilities I could think of, although I didn't dwell on some. And, a couple weeks before my due date, I stopped reading everything related to birth, tried to stay off the boards, and just went inward. I did a quick review when labor started, but getting away from it all really helped me to relax and not be stuck on one plan when the time came.

Violet

[majazama]

I'm not going to any prenatal testing, except I might get an ultrasound. I don't want any needles stuck in me, or my urine tested. I'm healthier than the nurses at the clinic! I think so anyways...

The "funny" thing about my situation, is that the doc that I am seeing works in a "group" and one of the other doctors is my ex-boyfriend's dad!!! I don't want him looking at my belly....:LOL I can only imagine he'll tell his son all about me..... Anyways, I'm going to one more app. on friday to ask the doc about the position of the placenta...

[indigolilybear]

Well, re: tearing, I too don't think it's that much of a risk but basically I would let a tear heal on it's own. If I had trouble that seemed out of the ordinary or I was concerned about it, , I guess I'd go see someone or do some research on helping it heal. I think even in hospital settings (w/o a episiotomy) that huge tears are very common so I'm just not really that worried about it. That area heals so quickly anyway.

Welcome all the new mamas here too!!

[normajean]

Saying hello---

I'm considering UC....if I can convince my DH. I read Laura Shanleys site and reading it was....don't know how to describe it other than a "spiritual experience" lol. That sounds so trite, but I don't know how to describe it. Its what I want. WOrking on a compromise with DH if I can find someone to "attend" but not be too involved.

For those who have done it--what were the most important factors in (mental and emotional) preparedness?

For those who have convinced their DH's--how did you do it?

[indigolilybear]

Normajean
*I* think the most imp. thing for preparedness is realistically dealing w/your fears and mindsets. I didn't really realize how many problematic or "blocking" ideas I had firmly ingrained until they started coming up a lot in my second pregnancy (our first freebirth) Also, dealing w/what issues I had from my first birth as well.....I got a lot of messages that my body was problematic and not good at birth, though we used LM's and had a "successful" homebirth.

I did a lot of affirmations, journaling, etc. This time around, I am also doing Hypnobabies at-home course and feel like it is efficiently doing/reinforcing what I wanted to do w/our last preg. That is, changing my belief system and reprograming my expectations....

So that is my answer, FWIW.

And I do think that doing your research and feeling comfortable w/your decided approach (however "medical" or what degree of testing, etc. you want) is important. I guess I'm saying I think it's important to sort out your own philosophy and really try to steer into what feels "true" and right for you and your family. HTH

Good luck!

[Hathor]

I was wondering too, Like Normajean (welcome!) how your dhs finally embraced the idea of a uc. My dh wonders aloud if he wouldn't be happier in a waiting room passing out cigars.
I have heard that the book Emergency Childbirth is good for daddys because it gives them the nuts and bolts behind the deal. But I don't want to scare him. Anyone have any experience with this book?
My dh also wants a female friend/attendent at the birth although I think it is unnecessary. Perhaps this is a whole new career: Daddy Doulas (mama gets left alone to birth in peace and daddy has someome to bring him drinks and occassionally check his heartrate and breathing) hee hee.
Heather

[indigolilybear]

Emergency CB is awesome for dads. I totally recommend it. Mine loved it. It's short, concise, non-panic inducing (like most MW manuals...) and is easy to use in an emergency. Really really great book.

My dh has never been a problem to convince...in fact I'd say he's always been more convinced than me. However I think the reverse is more common....maybe someone else has some advice. I think mostly just going through fears and ideas is the best way, no matter how you end up birthing, to process birth w/a dad. Good luck.

[cottonwood]

My husband's main concern was about what his role would be. At first he was thinking that I wanted him to act as a midwife, and he didn't feel prepared to do that, nor did he want to do that. After I made it clear that that was the opposite of what I wanted, he relaxed a lot. Then it was just a matter of, over time, getting him to understand how unassisted birth is sensible. I read book or article excerpts that I liked, and I expounded on my own personal philosophy every chance I got, until he knew it practically by heart. :LOL

He didn't read anything himself, except for Gregory White's Emergency Childbirth. He liked that it was short, and that Dr. White had a very pragmatic and non-hysterical approach to childbirth. He believed that it is basically a simple process, that it becomes complex when we add things to it, and that it is not something to get excited about. Dh loved this: "...though the emergency attendant will be overwhelmed with gratitude and widely praised as a hero, he can smile within himself at the knowledge that his simple tasks could have been performed by any bright eight-year-old." (And true enough, everyone assumed that my husband had somehow done something amazing. His family kept calling him Dr. Scott. : ) Some of the information in the book is a bit dated -- don't take it all as gospel -- but most of it is quite good. It's definitely worth reading.

I did talk to dh to about various complications and why we didn't need to worry about most of them, and what I would do and expect him to do in the event that one of the very few rare true emergencies might occur. I think my own confidence went a long ways toward making him feel like we could do this.

[pamamidwife]

Originally posted by Hathor
I have many, many midwife fans and I am hoping to cartoon my plans gently, so as not to step on any toes.

Are you kidding?? I, for one, am THRILLED to read this! Yes! Yippeeeeee!

[Hathor]

Hey, thanks indigolilybear for the recommendation of the book. I'm going to order it right now!
And blueviolet, my dh too thinks he's being called upon to be a midwife, he's going to take some work. But I have a way of wearing him down.
And pamamidwife, I'm glad you are excited about my plans. Me too!
Heather

[wildthing]

Heather,
Interestingly enough, my dh was the one who wanted us to have a uc for our last 4 births. I had my issues and hang-ups about it though, so we had a midwife. After my last birth, I decided I never wanted a midwife again, and that I would do much better having a uc. But also because of my last birth, dh saw things differently, and now he is worried about it.
I have talked to him, and he has his feelings and opinions formed based on his experience from last time. I agree, it was an unusual and "difficult" birth for me, but only difficult because of the midwife. I finally told dh, that he either HAD to trust that I knew more about my body and what happened the last time than he did, or he would have to not be present at the birth. I also told him that I did not need or want him to be a replacement midwife. If I thought I needed a midwife, I would have one. I also told him that if he felt too afraid, or if he thought he would freak out, he didn't have to be with me when I birthed. Within shouting distance, yes, but not right with me if he didn't want to. I am truly not afraid of birth, so I am fine with whatever his decision is. He has said that yes, he will be there, and wants to catch. I am fine with that, and he seemed very relieved to understand clearly what I am expecting from him.

I think I will pick up Emergency Childborth though. I have heard it recommended so often, but I have never read it myself.

[cottonwood]

Donna, how do you feel the midwife hindered your last birth?

[wildthing]

Blueviolet,
In the simplest terms, and what it really boils down to for me, is that she didn't let me and my body follow the path we were meant to take for this birth.
She had been at my previous 3 homebirths, which all progressed pretty much exactly allike. Contractions started, I dilate to about 4, then I am usually pushing within an hour and baby is born in 3 or 4 pushes. Three of my births followed that pattern. Total length of labor is about 8 hours, sometimes less.

My last birth was meant to be different. I had contractions for about 8 hours that stopped. When they picked up again (24 hours later), things seemed to be happening quickly. However, once I started to feel "pushy", the mw checked me (which I will never allow again), and said I had a cervical lip. She started yelling at me to push, and she had her hand up my yoni, trying to push the lip back. Then I also pooped during the pushing, which distressed me. But not nearly as much as when she looked ad dh and said "She really should have used an enema." She kept telling me to get into different positions, try this, try that. After the first two pushy contractions, I no longer had an urge to push, but she kept telling me to. I was trying hard to block everything out, but I just couldn't get the words out. The mw was so concerned with getting the lip out of the way. After an hour, an hour of her with her hand up me, and me pushing with no pushing urge, my baby finally started to descend. Then she starts talking about head compression, decels, and getting him out quick.

During all of this, she never once asked me what I was feeling, did I still feel like pushing. What I wanted more than anything was to tell her and everyone else to go away, leave me alone so I could rest. I now know that there is no problem with a "cervical lip", if I don't feel like pushing, then I don't have to push. But mosto f all, I realized that I don 't need anyone outside telling me how to birth, and that all they will do is interfere with me and my body.

I really don't think the mw did anything "wrong" (except the enema comment), she did mifey things. Perhaps she should have asked me more often what I felt I needed to do, but maybe that isn't the midwife's role. I chose to have her there, and in doing so, I gave up some of my autonomy and power.
I believe that the only way I can give birth in the way that is absolutely right for me, is to do it with no one else having any expectations of me. Without comparing my previous births, or a chart, or their experiences with other women. I also feel that birth is very intimate, and I don't want someone around who isn't an intimate part of my life, who I have shared things with.

I am getting a bit rambly now....does this answer what you were asking? I really enjoy talking about this, since it really was a turning point for me. Please feel free to ask me anything else about it. I am getting a lot out of discussing it.

[Spark]

Just wanted to second the Emergency Childbirth rec. I really like it. It calmed a lot of my "what ifs" early in pregnancy. I haven't picked it up since though. I read and absorbed all the info I needed to. We'll use it as a reference if need be during the birth. But, I'd prefer to just experience everything not from a brain standpoint.

Donna -- That does sound like an experience to make UC clear. Someone else might hve experienced that birth and said, "Thank God the MW was there!" But, all of us on this thread were probably thinking as we read this, "Gosh, just leave Donna alone!"

My friends are throwing me a blessingway tomorrow. I'm really excited. I have my belly cast all done up and ready for the big showing. Here's the process and end result if you want to see: http://homepage.mac.com/jakces/iblog...906/index.html

I'm going a bit stir crazy at home. My son has (we were told and then untold) the rotavirus. It's nasty and has made him vomit off and on since Feb 11. I'm hoping my little baby holds off on being born until Jude is well and my DH and I have time to recharge. That said, I turn my birthing over. I know that my little one will come when the time is for the highest good. I just need to go with the flow.

[Spark]

When I was pregnant with Jude I read a wonderful story that's all over the Internet. The birth of Grey Forest Walt (outdoor birth, with MWs). Well, I didn't realize that the mother had another child, this time unassited. It's really another treasure to read.

She's very much into native american and tarot and other things. Which we may or may not all honor. Her story is truly worth honoring though. It's beautiful, especially the message of going with the flow.

Check it out if you haven't yet. (Thank you Pamamidwife for having it linked on your site!)
http://pages.ivillage.com/coatlicue/...une/index.html

[laurashanley]

Hi gals! It's nice to see there's so much interest in this thread!

There's a million things I could comment on but it's been a long day and I'm fading fast. Just wanted to say hello and comment on Grey Forest Walt's birth. I've always loved that story (although as an avid UCer I found myself wishing the midwives would step aside).

A couple of years ago I went to my friend Angela's house for a birth gathering and met a woman who began telling me about giving birth outside in the mountains. I suddenly realized it was Grey Forest Walt's mother! I never realized she lived in Colorado.

Rachel (Grey's mother) told me she had seriously thought about having him unassisted (she read my book during her pregnancy) but was still a little nervous so she hired midwives. During the labor she almost wished the midwives wouldn't make it.

Overall she was happy with the birth but knew she would give birth unassisted the next time. A year or so later, she did. She actually wanted to have that baby outside as well but it didn't work out. But it was another great birth.
Laura

[Spark]

Laura, I think I've put so many links to your site all over MDC, it's always nice to see you here as a real person... not just that "cool woman I reference al the time!" I have some pregnancy pictures I was going to send you. If you need some more for your site. I have some really neats ones, I think. And, hopefully, I'll have a wonderful birth story and perhaps even a video of the birth for you, too.

I feel like I'm getting closer to meeting my babe. I'm still feeling really great. I love my big belly and while, I'm not crazy about my recent chin growth, there's something so special about my softening body. I feel like I really want to soak in these last few hours, days, weeks.

My BlessingWay was wonderful. I was so honored and touched by the community of women that support me. Ahhh, it was nice.

I'm getting good strong ctx every day now. Too strong to sleep through. My body is strong. I feel productive!

[yoga]

Laura!

My family has a bet going on for when I'll give birth...sometime between the 10th and the 20th. Why am I sharing this? I don't know.

It annoys me. Maybe that's why. Everyone keeps asking me when I expect the baby. Um, sometime this year? : I mean, who "expects" a baby at a certain time? They come when they want.

And, now, there's a gender thing going. My MIL thinks it's a boy b/c I'm carrying low. Of course I'm carrying low now...I'm at the end! The baby is getting lower so s/he can drop out sometime soon. I've been carrying high until recently, and, of course, it was a girl then. :

I would like everyone to leave my uterus and it's contents alone, thank you very much. Don't think about my uterus and it's contents. These things don't really concern you at this point.

I'm so glad I'm having a UC, but it seems like the family is paying me more attention this time than ever before. And, b/c I feel I've done such a good job protecting myself from any form of the medical establishment, I feel intruded upon by them.

Why can't I just be left alone?!

[/rant]

[Spark]

Chaka -- Goodness, it really seems like your well-meaning family is taking a not-so-well toll on you. Sounds like it's time to do something! (Unless just a little vent cured you, but that rarely seems to work for me)
Here's the way I see it. You could:
1. Do nothing. Just internalize it.
2. Rant it out on boards, talk to your friends about it, your partner, just not the poeple you really have a problem with.
3. Stop picking up the phone (if that's where they confront you) and change your machine to say something like, "Hi you've reached ___, For the record this baby will come when it wants. It will weigh as much as it needs to. It will be whatever sex it is supposed to. Please, leave any message not dealing with the contents of my uterus after the beep." Then, if it's someone you want to talk to, you can pick up. And, if it's one of the offenders, they'll hear your message and hopefully respect your directions.
4. Confront the offenders directly. Claim your feelings, acknowledge that they are just trying to show concern, but that it's not helping you be the best pregnant woman you can be.
5. Use lots of humor.
Them: "You're just carrying so low! That's got to be a boy!"
You: "Come on now, you carry your belly low, too, but I go around trying to predicts its contents!"
Them: "You're gonna have that baby by the 12th, you mark my words!"
You: "You mark my words, babies don't know how to read calendars!"

Alright, so now, you probably have guessed that I've been dealing with situation similiar to yours. I get, "So, you had that baby yet?" (Jude came early) Usually, I pleasantly remind them that I'm not due until the 15th of this month and that could mean a baby that doesn't come until the end of March. But, I did change my answering machine message to spread the word that I DON"T want to hear about "having that baby yet?" I used a funny "redneck" voice and it's gotten lots of laughs and even previous offenders have said, "Gosh, do people really ask you that?!?!" Uh, yeah, you did two days ago!

Are you 40 weeks this month or is it some other 10th-20th you're talking about? Are we both going to meet our babies this month? If so, I'm glad to have the UC company!

[2much2luv]

So sorry, Chaka. I know how you feel. I just locked myself up at home in my last month this last time avoiding everyone like the plague. I am promising myself that next time I will lie about my due date...and stretch it by a month. Good luck on keeping sane!