My dad is dying- terminal COPD. Its crazy and I still don't understand how this happened- I talked to him on the phone one day and the next his condition had worsened and the next day he was full-blown dying. My dad lives in CA and I'm in VA. I decided to fly out and say goodbye and support my sister (who flew in from MI) and his sister (my aunt) who lives near him. I had to leave my 3-year old home with my husband and bring my 3-month old. The cost was financially debilitating- crass to mention/think of? The trip was wearing. My anxiety was high over the s-storm that would await my return such as unpaid bills, full-time mothering and housekeeping, and buku deadlines for all my open cases. Ugh, I talked to my dad on the phone maybe 9 days ago now and he was OK, then just a couple days later he was bedridden and really unable to see/communicate effectively.
The hospice facility he is in is awful. Four persons to a room, very little individual care, I've never seen another visitor in there. I guess its where poor people go to die- which makes me want to go off on another tangent about inequality. The place stinks. I worry about having the baby there- germs. My dad is agitated and fights the attendants and tries to get out of bed or sit up, he mutters "Oh God" and "No no no", he can't breathe. They sometimes say he is too agitated to receive the meds that keep him from being in pain, they sometimes say he was sleeping peacefully so they didn't want to bother him with the meds- I think this sucks. He hasn't eaten any solids in maybe 6 days and only a few sips of liquid each day. His eyes look cloudy- I think its the morphine. He signed a DNR before this deterioration and asked for no extraordinary measures, but it seems so awful. He is skeletal. I stayed one week (just got home again) and when they had neglected to medicate him with morphine that last day his eyes looked clearer and he recognized me, saw the baby, I told him not to be scared and he said "I'm not". I kept getting up to go and kiss him on the forehead and say bye and he would wake up and smile at me and say "Hi baby" and I felt like he wanted me to stay but I had to go, I can't sit for hours in that place with the baby. F-. What a process. It just seems so wrong. No hospice person is by his bedside now- they only do that if the person might harm themself I guess, so now that he mostly rests (screams, groans, tries to ask for help with no one to hear him) they just leave him and I guess check on him during rounds a couple times a day.
His apartment was smoky and dingy- we scrounged a box of mementos and old pictures and left the rest. We gave his car away (it was a POS). There was a whole stack of unopened letters from the bank (you guessed it- bounced check notices- ugh). I'm looking into cremation I guess we will be paying for that process too. Its complicated. My parents divorced when I was young and my dad was an abusive alcoholic- but he loved us, he just had a lot of anger and hate in general.
How can I say all this/any of this to anyone? I mean "Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep and you weep alone" does seem to hold true. Nothing more boring than a friend who wants to talk about something as uncomfortable as death right?
I am just so mad that other people get a better experience as far as better care, better facilities, more lucidity- I don't know it is just sucking.
The hospice facility he is in is awful. Four persons to a room, very little individual care, I've never seen another visitor in there. I guess its where poor people go to die- which makes me want to go off on another tangent about inequality. The place stinks. I worry about having the baby there- germs. My dad is agitated and fights the attendants and tries to get out of bed or sit up, he mutters "Oh God" and "No no no", he can't breathe. They sometimes say he is too agitated to receive the meds that keep him from being in pain, they sometimes say he was sleeping peacefully so they didn't want to bother him with the meds- I think this sucks. He hasn't eaten any solids in maybe 6 days and only a few sips of liquid each day. His eyes look cloudy- I think its the morphine. He signed a DNR before this deterioration and asked for no extraordinary measures, but it seems so awful. He is skeletal. I stayed one week (just got home again) and when they had neglected to medicate him with morphine that last day his eyes looked clearer and he recognized me, saw the baby, I told him not to be scared and he said "I'm not". I kept getting up to go and kiss him on the forehead and say bye and he would wake up and smile at me and say "Hi baby" and I felt like he wanted me to stay but I had to go, I can't sit for hours in that place with the baby. F-. What a process. It just seems so wrong. No hospice person is by his bedside now- they only do that if the person might harm themself I guess, so now that he mostly rests (screams, groans, tries to ask for help with no one to hear him) they just leave him and I guess check on him during rounds a couple times a day.
His apartment was smoky and dingy- we scrounged a box of mementos and old pictures and left the rest. We gave his car away (it was a POS). There was a whole stack of unopened letters from the bank (you guessed it- bounced check notices- ugh). I'm looking into cremation I guess we will be paying for that process too. Its complicated. My parents divorced when I was young and my dad was an abusive alcoholic- but he loved us, he just had a lot of anger and hate in general.
How can I say all this/any of this to anyone? I mean "Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep and you weep alone" does seem to hold true. Nothing more boring than a friend who wants to talk about something as uncomfortable as death right?
I am just so mad that other people get a better experience as far as better care, better facilities, more lucidity- I don't know it is just sucking.
So if you want to vent or talk feel free to pm me.
:that is just wrong on every level.
) but if meds are being withheld the doc is the go-to.
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