Originally Posted by knucklehead
While we all knew my nephew has issues we never expected this. I never let my son be alone with his cousin not because I thought he would get molested but simply because I didn't want him picking up gross habits or bad words (my nephew has a penchant for bathroom humor). I NEVER saw this coming. I feel so guilty because I think I should have known. I always wanted the best for my nephew and always gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had such a crappy beginning. We all wanted him to know we loved him and believed in him. I've known him over 7 years and never thought this was in him. I feel like a fool and that I let my son down.
My sister is beside herself and is making no excuses whatsoever. She herself contacted social services to let them know and is having an emergency meeting with his psychiatrist. She is disgusted by this and crushed. Everything that has been poured into my nephew has been a waste. I feel horrible for my sister. She simultaeously loves him and is so tired and repulsed by him. I don't know what this is going to do to our family. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I never want to look at my nephew again and my children will never be around him. I have no idea how I'm going to explain to my son why he never sees his cousin anymore. He is used to seeing him at least once a week. He still asks for his cat that ran away over a year ago! What do I tell him? I think of holidays, birthdays etc., what the hell do we do now? Everything is ruined. Even if I get my son past the actual act how do I explain everything else? A death would be easier to explain than this. I'm at a loss.
Oh darling, I really hope that in the very near future you see it differently and realize everything is *not* ruined. Not at all.
1st off, you are a fantastic mom. You caught this situation right when it happened because you were being vigilant! That is being a great mom. It would be different if you found out it had been going on for years and you hadn't n oticed the signs, but you caught this right away. That is really impressive.
And your nephew... I understand there's no "history" of sexual abuse, but one of the messed up things that often happens to kids when their parents are on drugs is sexual abuse. It is very very very possible that your nephew was molested when he was very young. Even though he was adopted when he was your son's age, if the abuse was traumatic he would have memory of it and it's not unusual for him to act out now.
That's different from your son, who hopefully/seemingly was NOT traumatized by what happened. He may not remember at all when he's older, because you guys handled it so well.
It's great that your sister is so on top of this, but it breaks my heart - truly breaks my heart - to read that you feel like all those years of investment in your nephew were wasted. Trust me I know from working with abused kids: a healthy, loving family is NEVER EVER a waste of time for that child. However bad things get... just keep in mind they could be a million times WORSE if he hadn't been in a good home like your sister's. I hope you and your sister come to appreciate that even with this upsetting incident, your nephew has still made incredible progress and he's living testament that a good home can really save a child. The fact that he did this - he's a child himself. While you need to protect your son and not leave him alone with your nephew, your nephew is hardly beyond hope. It's amazing that he's made the progress he's made over the years. That poor child was destined for an awful life, and now even though he's still got his awkward character and he's acting out inappropriately, he's still doing so so much better than he would have been.
Great that your sister is taking him to a psychiatrist & notified his caseworker.
Maybe to alleviate some of your worry, you might take your son to a counselor too. In my humble opinion I think you're overreacting to "never" let your son see his cousin again, especially if he really likes his cousin. I think in totally supervised situations your son could still be allowed to see his cousin since your son doesn't seem to feel negatively about him & you think it will upset him not to see him. But that's just my opinion.
I'm just so sad you feel like everything's ruined, you don't want to look at your nephew ever again and your kids will never see him. Those are totally understandable and natural feelings. But it also seems a little extreme... maybe with a little time it won't seem like you have to keep your whole family away from him? And maybe talk to a counselor yourself about how you feel like a bad mom, since you seem to actually be a fantastic mom and you successfully protected your son from further harm?