I need serious advice! - Page 2

[Slabobbin]

I wouldn't go that far mama. If you do, know that it will be YOU messing things up in the family, and not your nephew. He needs help, for sure. But you could still do birthdays and holidays and just make sure that they are never alone together. No need to go all out with what you have proposed. And it SERIOUSLY bothers me that you say that "everything they poured into him has been ruined". What a horrible thing to say.

[LROM]

Originally Posted by knucklehead

While we all knew my nephew has issues we never expected this. I never let my son be alone with his cousin not because I thought he would get molested but simply because I didn't want him picking up gross habits or bad words (my nephew has a penchant for bathroom humor). I NEVER saw this coming. I feel so guilty because I think I should have known. I always wanted the best for my nephew and always gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had such a crappy beginning. We all wanted him to know we loved him and believed in him. I've known him over 7 years and never thought this was in him. I feel like a fool and that I let my son down.

My sister is beside herself and is making no excuses whatsoever. She herself contacted social services to let them know and is having an emergency meeting with his psychiatrist. She is disgusted by this and crushed. Everything that has been poured into my nephew has been a waste. I feel horrible for my sister. She simultaeously loves him and is so tired and repulsed by him. I don't know what this is going to do to our family. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I never want to look at my nephew again and my children will never be around him. I have no idea how I'm going to explain to my son why he never sees his cousin anymore. He is used to seeing him at least once a week. He still asks for his cat that ran away over a year ago! What do I tell him? I think of holidays, birthdays etc., what the hell do we do now? Everything is ruined. Even if I get my son past the actual act how do I explain everything else? A death would be easier to explain than this. I'm at a loss.

Oh darling, I really hope that in the very near future you see it differently and realize everything is *not* ruined. Not at all.

1st off, you are a fantastic mom. You caught this situation right when it happened because you were being vigilant! That is being a great mom. It would be different if you found out it had been going on for years and you hadn't n oticed the signs, but you caught this right away. That is really impressive.

And your nephew... I understand there's no "history" of sexual abuse, but one of the messed up things that often happens to kids when their parents are on drugs is sexual abuse. It is very very very possible that your nephew was molested when he was very young. Even though he was adopted when he was your son's age, if the abuse was traumatic he would have memory of it and it's not unusual for him to act out now.

That's different from your son, who hopefully/seemingly was NOT traumatized by what happened. He may not remember at all when he's older, because you guys handled it so well.

It's great that your sister is so on top of this, but it breaks my heart - truly breaks my heart - to read that you feel like all those years of investment in your nephew were wasted. Trust me I know from working with abused kids: a healthy, loving family is NEVER EVER a waste of time for that child. However bad things get... just keep in mind they could be a million times WORSE if he hadn't been in a good home like your sister's. I hope you and your sister come to appreciate that even with this upsetting incident, your nephew has still made incredible progress and he's living testament that a good home can really save a child. The fact that he did this - he's a child himself. While you need to protect your son and not leave him alone with your nephew, your nephew is hardly beyond hope. It's amazing that he's made the progress he's made over the years. That poor child was destined for an awful life, and now even though he's still got his awkward character and he's acting out inappropriately, he's still doing so so much better than he would have been.

Great that your sister is taking him to a psychiatrist & notified his caseworker.

Maybe to alleviate some of your worry, you might take your son to a counselor too. In my humble opinion I think you're overreacting to "never" let your son see his cousin again, especially if he really likes his cousin. I think in totally supervised situations your son could still be allowed to see his cousin since your son doesn't seem to feel negatively about him & you think it will upset him not to see him. But that's just my opinion.

I'm just so sad you feel like everything's ruined, you don't want to look at your nephew ever again and your kids will never see him. Those are totally understandable and natural feelings. But it also seems a little extreme... maybe with a little time it won't seem like you have to keep your whole family away from him? And maybe talk to a counselor yourself about how you feel like a bad mom, since you seem to actually be a fantastic mom and you successfully protected your son from further harm?

[LynnS6]

I know this is a terrible thing to have to deal with, and I can only imagine the emotions that you're going through.

Originally Posted by knucklehead

I don't know what this is going to do to our family. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I never want to look at my nephew again and my children will never be around him. I have no idea how I'm going to explain to my son why he never sees his cousin anymore. He is used to seeing him at least once a week. He still asks for his cat that ran away over a year ago! What do I tell him? I think of holidays, birthdays etc., what the hell do we do now? Everything is ruined. Even if I get my son past the actual act how do I explain everything else? A death would be easier to explain than this. I'm at a loss.

This is why I suggest that YOU also seek out a counselor. I haven't a clue as to how to handle the family things. The good news is that you don't have to explain everything to your son right away. You've got time to find a counselor for YOU (since your sister is connected to the agencies in town, maybe her son's psychiatrist can recommend someone for you too).

If your son asks, for a couple of weeks, you can say "we're busy" and/or "your cousin needs to go to the doctor, and the doctor needs figures out how to help him." True, but not too detailed. After you've been with a counselor, you and your sister can work out a plan that will keep everyone safe. I think that you and your sister might want to have a few sessions together to work this out.

Just remember that you don't know what happened to your nephew in his early years. He's not a lost cause. He is going to require the patience of Job and a heck of a lot of supervision (past an age where most kids can be trusted). But he's only 11. I know 11 seems really old when your baby is 3. But in the grand scheme of things, it's young. And for your nephew he's probably younger than his age in terms of judgment and impulse control.

[Dandelionkid]

Everything that has been poured into my nephew has been a waste.

Your sisters dedication and love will be a waste if you all give up on him now.

[knucklehead]

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[knucklehead]

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[goodygumdrops]

I have been following this thread and I will try to be very sensitive in my response. I cannot imagine being in your shoes. I am sure that you are very upset and heartbroken. I do think it might be a good idea for you to seek counseling about this situation. It might help you work through your feelings without doing permanent damage to your familial relationships.

While I understand your need to protect your son, I feel that you need to open your eyes and see that your nephew is also a child. A child that may have been horribly abused for all you know and who right now needs the strength and love of his family to help him learn better ways of expressing these experiences. You keep saying that your sons innocence was stolen but what about your nephew? I mean you are there for your child and are able to help him to process this experience and he will probably not even be affected by it. I understand that an 11 year old can seem quite mature but ultimately they are still children.

I wish you peace.

[katiesk]

Originally Posted by knucklehead

Thank you for your compassion, it is appreciated. I understand what you are saying, it is just so fresh and raw. I truly am having a hard time ever imagining wanting to look at my nephew again. Wrong or right these are my honest feelings. This was my baby for God's sake.

your feelings are your feelings. right or wrong. you're allowed to feel however you feel.

it might be really beneficial though for you to see a counselor - to get some help in supporting your son through this, and also having some support for yourself. maybe in time you will be able to see a way to have this part of your family back in your life, but it is very understandable that it is far too much for right now. give yourself time. make sure you have support. good job and good luck!

[Beene]

I think you're too hard on yourself and on your nephew. There is no reason that with proper attention, love, and supervision that the two children can't have a relationship. I think it would actually be more traumatic to both to be torn apart. I mean, the nephew is going to feel like a bad kid and will see this as a harsh punishment and your son will also see your nephew as the ultimate evil nd bad guy. That's just too much for kids to understand I think. Go easy.

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by knucklehead

Thank you for your compassion, it is appreciated. I understand what you are saying, it is just so fresh and raw. I truly am having a hard time ever imagining wanting to look at my nephew again. Wrong or right these are my honest feelings. This was my baby for God's sake.

You know what? It's okay to feel the way you do. You love your little boy very much and you don't ever want anything bad to happen to him. He is very lucky to have such a wonderful mama. And I'm sure that it makes the hurt that much worse for you that it was someone you love. That's a very intense thing to deal with. And it sounds like your sister is dealing with a lot of intense emotions surrounding this whole incident.

I think for the time being, it's okay if you don't want to imagine being around your nephew again. You don't have to. But that also doesn't mean that you need to make any definite decisions about whether or not you'll ever see him again for the rest of your life. So don't worry about that right now. Right now, just do what you need to do to make it through this. I think definitely talking with a counselor. Healing takes time and sometimes a little help. Once you can get started on that road and feel like you're in a better position, then you can think about whether or not to see your nephew. But for now, try not to write him off completely. Just turn your focus on your son and the healing that needs to take place for you. One step at a time.

hugs and peace to you

[mummyofan]

Slabobbin, I think that was so inappropriate.
Knucklehead, I am so moved by this whole thread, I don't know what to say other that you have all I think managed this amazingly well. I think no one should judge who has not had a similar experience, and the only thing I have to say more is that I used to help assess children in certain areas and work with the families involved and I just want to pass on hugs. that's all.
I feel foryou and your family so much. Keep trying, it WILL work out and you'll all do the best there is because you're all comitted. Simple as that.
All the best.....

[smeisnotapirate]

What a terrible situation for everyone involved.

I agree that for now, maybe you should stay away from your nephew, but I also agree that as long as your sister is getting him help, he's on the right track and reconciliation is possible. This boy needs a family right now, and needs to see that families don't drop people for making mistakes. Remember - we're projecting our adult views onto this situation between children. It sounds like your son is ok and your nephew is upset about it and being treated by someone who can help him.

I hope time can heal your wounds, mama. Please talk to a professional about this - you deserve that much for yourself.

[VeganMamaRed]

I couldn't read this thread and not say something. I just wanted to give hugs to you, mama, what a horrible and stressful situation! I think for right now, while it is so fresh, you are 100% entitled to feel any emotions/thoughts that you are feeling. Of course you don't want to even think about seeing your nephew again, it just happened and your mama bear instinct is to protect your child. I just wouldn't say anything to your son about never seeing him again, as you may find that when the emotions aren't so fresh you will be more open to 100% supervised visits. Or you might not. Either way, right now I would just focus on your son and keeping things light for him. Make sure you shower him with lots of affection so he doesn't see your stress and misinterpret it for anger at him, as kids always seem to pick up on stress. Get through each day and let tomorrow happen when it happens.

Kudos to your sister for handling it straight away, a lot of people wouldn't be willing to see it in their own child.

As moms it is super hard not to blame ourselves when any little thing goes wrong with our kids, but I'll bet that every mom on this board would have looked at their 3 year old child and 11 year old nephew building a fort out of blankets and thought, "Isn't that cute!", rather than automatically being suspicious. I think you should try really hard to let that guilt go, you are blameless in this situation and advocated for your son right away.

Hugs and peace to you.

[NiteNicole]

I'll be perfectly honest - I would not potentially sacrifice my child's well being for another child's. I just would not. I can accept that the nephew has had a hard life and is probably acting out something that has happened to him and that he's not "evil" and that he's probably a victim, I can even be compassionate (although if it had been my three year old then maybe not) but I can very much see how the OP would decide that having the two of them together was just not worth the chance of what might happen. This incident was in a room full of people. And this was not exploration between peers, which is a whole other thing.

I would protect MY child first, ESPECIALLY as the nephew seems to have a mom who is on top of the situation and really looking into his best interest. Some day WAY down the line when I felt my child was not quite so vulnerable, we might consider having them together again. Supervised.

My child is my priority and I am her primary protector.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened in your family. For everyone.

[babydanielsmom]

Yes, : exactly. Praying for peace for you & your family.

[SimonMom]

I cannot believe so many people sound like they're condoning what happened! I'm with you OP, my son would never be around his abuser again either. You can look at it any way you want but there is an 8 year age difference and your nephew knew it was wrong. He did abuse your son! It seems like pp are trying to make it less than it is. It makes me completely sick to my stomach to even think of someone doing that to my 3 year old son. Even if he doesn't seem affected by it right now, he very well might remember it when he's older. Then what about when he's older and remembers it and then wonders why you still hang around your nephew?

The thought of anyone putting their mouth on my sons penis makes extremely upset and greatly disturbed. Honestly, even if it was a 5 year old, because IMO even a child of that age knows better, but at 11 year?!?!

OP I'm glad your son doesn't seem traumitized. I really feel for you.

[NiteNicole]

I cannot believe so many people sound like they're condoning what happened!

I don't think it's that at all. I would bet that in reality, there are just a lot of people with more perspective on at-risk children or even just older children.

Mine is only 3.5 and while I can kind of intellectually get that other people may have a different perspective on this due to having older kids or experience with at-risk kids, it's still hard for me to see much beyond "protect the three year old" especially since the older child seems to have a good support system and someone working on his end. I think the OP is free and clear to just protect and deal with her child and trust that the nephew's parents are taking care of him.

Oh, it's just so hard all around. It makes me feel pukey to think about it.

[limabean]

OP, I'm glad your sister is so on top of things. I hope your family finds peace one day.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by knucklehead

She is disgusted by this and crushed. Everything that has been poured into my nephew has been a waste. I feel horrible for my sister. She simultaeously loves him and is so tired and repulsed by him.

I'm so sorry for your situation and feel badly for all involved, especially your sister. I really don't think everything is ruined or that what she's put into her son is a waste. He is not beyond hope, he can still grow up to be a decent person who is not a sexual offender. I know you are all reeling right now, but I hope that your sister can get some help for her family.

[Beene]

Originally Posted by SimonMom

I cannot believe so many people sound like they're condoning what happened! Honestly, even if it was a 5 year old, because IMO even a child of that age knows better, but at 11 year?!?!

But see, you are misinterpreting people. No one is condoning what happened at all. What happened was NOT ok and no one said it was. The people saying perspective is necessary are saying this because, yes, while the boy is 11, he is a product of the flawed foster care system and has likely been abused himself. So, 11 and should know better does not apply to him because he is NOT a normal child. He is sick and abused himself. He needs love and patience to heal too. He is just a child, not a monster!

From the OP's son's perspective, he was playing a game with his cousin and friend, NOT an abuser. He, so far, does not seem to be showing any signs of trauma. So, why make the nephew out into the ABUSER, the BAD GUY, the guy whose FAULT it is? Why punish them BOTH by annihilating their friendship?It doesn't make any sense to make such a huge production out of something that needs attention from a counselor and supervision and vigilance from adults. In my opinion the drama would affect the children more than the original incident.