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post #41 of 131
Quote:
Why punish them BOTH by annihilating their friendship?
I think this is the thinking I can't really get around. While I understand the older child is not a monster, that doesn't mean that the younger child (and other younger children) shouldn't be protected from him. From what I understand, kids who act out like this don't usually just do it one time. I hope I am wrong on that but everything I've read in the past and everything I've seen here and discussed with other parents leads me to believe that this kind of acting out takes a lot of intense work to overcome. I wouldn't be able to potentially put my child in harm's way just because the other child doesn't MEAN to do any harm. It's still harmful, especially if it continues, especially if the younger child grows up and says hey, you knew this had happened in full view of everyone - why didn't you stop it from happening again?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I really want to support the OP and her decision to keep these kids apart. I don't think she she should be made to feel guilty or think she should not follow her gut so that the OTHER child won't feel bad. It's her child she has to worry about, especially as she knows the other child has a good support system.

And any decisions about keeping distance between these kids can be revisted again later. This has JUST happened. I think if it were my three year old, I'd feel pretty raw and hurt and angry about the whole thing. I'd have a lot of feelings that probably wouldn't be very nice or PC and she is entitled to have those feelings as well. It's not like she's tracking the older kid down and telling HIM all this, that would be crossing a line. But telling other adults in a safe environment about how she feels should be allowed.
post #42 of 131
Both children are victims in this situation but the nephew is the only one that is hurt. To think that a little boy is a waste of love is just awful to me. I hope that the family can get him some compassionate help and avoid shaming him. I also disagree that by hiding it he was not exploring. Of course it was completely inappropriate and he needs to understand it was wrong but most kids know that adults don't approve of that kind of behavior. How many children play "doctor" in the living room. It sounds like the nephew is emotionally and socially immature and doesn't have anyone else who would be a likely candidate for this experimentation. He was wrong but he isn't automatically an abuser.
post #43 of 131
I get that kids who are abused need protection and love and support and healing. I believe that. They are victims, and that is NOT their fault. I will never get how that somehow transfers into leeway into victimizing ANOTHER child's innocence.

He's not a NORMAL 11-year-old, so the mother of the child he molested (and, yes, that is what he did), should still be expected to rally around him and preserve the relationship between the boys? No.

If it were my nephew, I would hope for the best for him, but protect my child. Eleven knows that three is a baby. Eleven suspects that he can use coercion to keep three quiet. Heck, eleven isn't sure three is old enough to tell, or be believed if they do tell.

My niece and nephew are seven, my other nephew and dd are two. The older ones are solidly certain that the littles are not peers, out of their own judgement and memory.

I have SEEN how bigger kids manipulate little kids, and how littles worship the big ones.

I am sorry, but you don't persevere in a dangerous relationship at the cost of another child. It's horrible that one child was so terribly damaged. Awful. I do hope his future is brighter than this incident suggests. But you do.not. use a full stroller to push another child out of the way of an oncoming bus.

I don't know what kind of future healthy relationship anyone thinks these boys could have. They're eight years apart. I wouldn't want my three year old idolizing someone who has done this to him, and now has anger over getting caught and in trouble. The nephew has ALREADY tried to blame the little boy for the incident. As other posters have so patiently explained, the eleven year old is not normal... plenty of the boy's anger is going to be directed at his little cousin who got him caught.

OP, *hugs*. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I totally understand everything you have written. Hopefully all of the energy and love your sister has poured and will pour into this child will not be for naught, and he will be okay. But there's no reason to feel guilty for not chucking your child's mental and physical safety into that particular slot machine.
post #44 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
Both children are victims in this situation but the nephew is the only one that is hurt. To think that a little boy is a waste of love is just awful to me. I hope that the family can get him some compassionate help and avoid shaming him. I also disagree that by hiding it he was not exploring. Of course it was completely inappropriate and he needs to understand it was wrong but most kids know that adults don't approve of that kind of behavior. How many children play "doctor" in the living room. It sounds like the nephew is emotionally and socially immature and doesn't have anyone else who would be a likely candidate for this experimentation. He was wrong but he isn't automatically an abuser.
I agree. The nephew has the serious damage, not the OP's son and he needs unconditional love (that is what families are for!). If this was a bilogical child with developmental problems, would you be so quick to give up on him? And yes, I would STILL celebrate his birthday and not shame him or punish him. It is honestly NOT that huge of a mistake that "all is lost" or your sister's efforts were for "nothing". Your son is FINE and he won't eve remember what happened. It makes me sad that you are giving up on your nephew It seems like his childhood has likely been filled with people giving up on him. I didn't say stick the two kids in a fort together again. Out in the open, with adults, I don't see how anything can go wrong again.
post #45 of 131
I hope both kids get the help they need.
post #46 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beene View Post
I agree. The nephew has the serious damage, not the OP's son and he needs unconditional love (that is what families are for!). If this was a bilogical child with developmental problems, would you be so quick to give up on him? And yes, I would STILL celebrate his birthday and not shame him or punish him. It is honestly NOT that huge of a mistake that "all is lost" or your sister's efforts were for "nothing". Your son is FINE and he won't eve remember what happened. It makes me sad that you are giving up on your nephew It seems like his childhood has likely been filled with people giving up on him. I didn't say stick the two kids in a fort together again. Out in the open, with adults, I don't see how anything can go wrong again.
I'm not sure that just because the three year old might not remember it years from now, his memory of it NOW shoudn't count. And there are so many stories here of people who were abused and how they felt when their parents didn't keep them away from their abusers. I know it's hard to think of an 11 year old with a difficult past as an "abuser" but from the POV of the younger child, that is the situation. This is not a couple of three year olds, this is a HUGE age gap. And the 11 year old is pretty bold.

And then there are the feelings of the three year old's mother. HER feelings shouldn't be discounted either. Could you really find your three year old baby in this situation and just set aside your feelings for your child and happily go forward having a relationship with the older child and fostering a relationship between the two kids?
post #47 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Could you really find your three year old baby in this situation and just set aside your feelings for your child and happily go forward having a relationship with the older child and fostering a relationship between the two kids?
I wouldn't set aside my or my child's feelings, but would consider my nephew's as well, for he is family also. I think it is extreme to say that he has been improving and working hard and doing well with homeschooling and behaviorally and then after a setback just say that all was for nothing. I don't think anyone can expect an abused child to just change overnight and be totally fine. t takes years and lifetimes of therapy and proper support. I think expectations for the (very young still!) nephew are unrealistic here. I didn't say foster a relationship between the two. Take the time to heal, both mama and baby, and then only have them together in the same room out in the open with adults. I think the 3 year old would benefit most from some help dealing with this incident and then a return to normalcy. He is likely not as scarred by this as his mama. He will only believe his cousin is an abuser if he is told that, or of course, if the behavior continues. I stick by my opinion that a sudden change in his relationship with the nephew will make the whole thing ten times more traumatic. For both CHILDREN.
post #48 of 131
I see two separate issues here....

Issue #1: The love, safety and well being of the 3 year old. OP, I think you are handling this very very well. I think that keeping them separate from each other is the only thing which makes sense, considering how highly inapropriate this incident was...I think, mama, that your son really is going to be okay. For HIS age, this is really normal play (maybe beside the specific nature of it, I think a three year old is more likely t be interested in "touching pee pee" than "kissing pee pee") and TBH, if I came across two three year olds engaged in silly "pee pee play" I would redirect their play, but I wouldn't freak about it. So, what I'm getting at, is that from YOUR childs standpoint, this probably felt really normal and silly and not at all scary and it will probably become a mere vague memory and over time, slip away into his vault of forgotten childhood play. So...I know this must suck so badly for you...but I think your dear son will be okay, I really don't think he'll even remember it...


Issue #2: The love safety and well being of your nephew.

*sigh*

He is a child. What he did was so wrong on so many levels and for so many different reasons and I realize that for that reason it must be so hurtful...you love this boy and trusted him, you've watched him steadily improve over the years of patient and loving care and dedicated parenting from your sister and BIL....and now this. It must seem like a really huge step back. But remember where he comes from. He has a terrible background. I have three adopted family members who were born addicted to crack and while, after many many years of dedicated, loving parenting at the hands of two adults very skilled with high/special needs parenting...these kids are doing great, they will never be "normal" people. They struggle with urges and social ackwardness which will never be over for them, can never be "taught" or "loved" away. They are different. From a chemical level...they are different.

What my grandparents went through with these kids...it's just, unimaginable. At one point, when he was around 10/11, the boy (my uncle) actually burned down the family home...just had an irresistable urge to play with and be around fire...and it cost them their home and everything in it. This DEVASTATED my family....it was so hard...but this is your kid. You grieve, you process, you move on. What else can you do?

Children are highly sensitive and reactive to "YOU messages". I would highly caution your sister against sending the message to him: "YOU are a monster, YOU are a waste, YOU are an extreme disappointment". Again, OP, I think that you have to handle him differently, because you have your own youngling to protect, your obligation is to your son. But your sisters obligation has to be to HER son....I know she wouldnt outright say to his face "YOU are a monster and we hate you" - but a "you message" doesn't have to be a directly spoken statement. It can be in way they change toward him, the level of commitment they show him....and I'm just afraid, that if he is really trying to graple (at his young age) with intense urges and overwhelming thoughts that he knows are wrong....I just worry that sending te message to him that he is wrong, ugly, monsterous, could cause those statements to manifest into truths in his life.

He did something wrong....but HE is not wrong. HE is a kid who is really messed up inside and he needs a lot of help. Everything your sister has done for him is NOT a waste, he is just entering into a more difficult phase of life...he is hitting puberty...that is hard for kids without the problems he has...but for a kid who DOES have his sort of issues, I'm telling you...I wouldn't wish that pain and ackwardness on anyone....that is so much to come through.

He already feels different, he is old enough now to see that people think he is odd and that they dislike him and he can tell now, that your sister is beyond devasted and beyond angry....all I ask is that you guys separate the issues...I know that's hard, but you have to do it, because there are TWO little boys here who need love, caring and compassion here....

Your son is going to be okay. He didn't do anything wrong and I really would anticipate, judging his reaction, that he will forget about it completely, as a lot of kids forget about those first exploratory experiences. It's your nephew who, in this situation, is at real danger for heading down a path in his life that not many people come back from. In order to keep him from that, his parents will have to keep him connected, to prevent him from turning deeper into himself out of shame and confusion...if he turns into himself and starts living inside his head, which sounds to be a confusing and maybe harmful place right now....you may not be able to reach him again on an emotional level.

SHame is not good for the victim...but in this case, your nephew is also a victim of sorts...and he stands to lose even more than you could imagine if he is shamed, hated and emotionally cut off by family members.

My advice to you....love your kid, which you are obviously doing.

My advice to your sister...seek help. She cant go through this without a strong guidance from someone who can help her process.....she needs to love her kid too, she can't give up on him. He was born ot a mother who didn't care...the whole world could've given up on him...but look....it didn't....and your sister came, like an angel from the heavens, to scoop him up and show him a real life....he's got a shot at being something great, at giving and recieving a kind of love even his own mother couldn't give him....please, don't you all give up on this boy. He's just a little boy. 11, yes....but in his heart and mind, based upon what I know of children with these types of backgrounds...he is probably not really even an 11 year old. He is a messed up person inside and he deserves the continued love and support of the family who promised to always give him that, when they took him in, angry and confused and "damaged" as he was.

GL to you all...I wish you so much peace and I'm sorry this has happened....you are doing such a great job mama...honestly, you really sound like you're keeping it together with your kiddo and I commend you for it...
post #49 of 131

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 7:01am
post #50 of 131

Just my opinion

This is a terrible, and confusing situation all the way around. I feel very sorry that happened to your son, and I would be hurt and angry too.

But, I also feel very badly for the nephew. Of course, what he did was wrong. But I think it would be terrible if the adults that he trusts and loves most in his life just "gave up" on him and treated him like a monster because he made a mistake. I can't even imagine how that would make this 11 year old boy feel, and what deep-seeded damage it may cause. Especially considering his history. He is still a child, and needs unconditional love (--obviously with strong guidance of course). I not saying that the OP needs to be close to the 11 year old, but his guardians certianly should be.

It is possible that this was not a product of abuse, but something more simple and common. Since this boy doesn't have any other friends, especialy none his age, he might have just been exploring. Yes, he knew that he was being bad, but I doubt he had any concept of how serious his mistake was. Kids hear about sex all over the place - and it is not always possible to keep things from them. If I were his guardian, I might just ask him very plainly where he heard about "pee-pee kissing" and where he got that idea.

I think if it were my family, I would see how counseling plays out for the nephew. Maybe in time, I would allow the boys to play together CLOSELY SUPERVISED during holidays and family get togethers. In the end, it might be more important for the OP's son to not make this a lasting wound.
post #51 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
But your sisters obligation has to be to HER son....I know she wouldnt outright say to his face "YOU are a monster and we hate you" - but a "you message" doesn't have to be a directly spoken statement. It can be in way they change toward him, the level of commitment they show him....and I'm just afraid, that if he is really trying to graple (at his young age) with intense urges and overwhelming thoughts that he knows are wrong....I just worry that sending te message to him that he is wrong, ugly, monsterous, could cause those statements to manifest into truths in his life.

He did something wrong....but HE is not wrong. HE is a kid who is really messed up inside and he needs a lot of help. Everything your sister has done for him is NOT a waste, he is just entering into a more difficult phase of life...he is hitting puberty...that is hard for kids without the problems he has...but for a kid who DOES have his sort of issues, I'm telling you...I wouldn't wish that pain and ackwardness on anyone....that is so much to come through.

He already feels different, he is old enough now to see that people think he is odd and that they dislike him and he can tell now, that your sister is beyond devasted and beyond angry....all I ask is that you guys separate the issues...I know that's hard, but you have to do it, because there are TWO little boys here who need love, caring and compassion here....

Your son is going to be okay. He didn't do anything wrong and I really would anticipate, judging his reaction, that he will forget about it completely, as a lot of kids forget about those first exploratory experiences. It's your nephew who, in this situation, is at real danger for heading down a path in his life that not many people come back from.
This is so beautifully said! EXACTLY all this.
post #52 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by shanniesue2 View Post
You know what? It's okay to feel the way you do. You love your little boy very much and you don't ever want anything bad to happen to him. He is very lucky to have such a wonderful mama. And I'm sure that it makes the hurt that much worse for you that it was someone you love. That's a very intense thing to deal with. And it sounds like your sister is dealing with a lot of intense emotions surrounding this whole incident.

I think for the time being, it's okay if you don't want to imagine being around your nephew again. You don't have to. But that also doesn't mean that you need to make any definite decisions about whether or not you'll ever see him again for the rest of your life. So don't worry about that right now. Right now, just do what you need to do to make it through this. I think definitely talking with a counselor. Healing takes time and sometimes a little help. Once you can get started on that road and feel like you're in a better position, then you can think about whether or not to see your nephew. But for now, try not to write him off completely. Just turn your focus on your son and the healing that needs to take place for you. One step at a time.

hugs and peace to you


Very well said. Healing can take a LONG time and while I don't think the kids should ever be alone again, I think you should not cut them out of your life entirely yet. Give yourself some time. Maybe try going out and finding some new friends for your son? Some his age or a tad older to maybe "get his mind off" his cousin. He mayn't foget his cousin but he probably will forget the incident. Thankfully, children his age are very resillient. I think your sister is doing absolutely the right thing. In many cases there is denial and anger and it is good that she is taking this head-on and dealing with his problems. It is very important that you don't blame yourself. YOU did nothing wrong at all. I know a mother's guilt can be very powerful but there was nothing you could have done to prevent this really. They were in the same room as you and you were already proactive about the situation beforehand. You can't get mired in guilt or anger. You need to be strong for your son's sake. Hugs mama. You are in a lot of people's thoughts here.
post #53 of 131

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 7:01am
post #54 of 131
This is not "normal" nor was it simply a "mistake" like some pp's said. It's bigger than that. Someone said that if it was same age peers it would be seen as normal. Oh H--- no. You show me yours and I'll show you mine is normal. Any child having their MOUTH on my son's PENIS is not normal and certainly goes beyond a "mistake" when there is an 8 year age difference!
post #55 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I think this is the thinking I can't really get around. While I understand the older child is not a monster, that doesn't mean that the younger child (and other younger children) shouldn't be protected from him. From what I understand, kids who act out like this don't usually just do it one time. I hope I am wrong on that but everything I've read in the past and everything I've seen here and discussed with other parents leads me to believe that this kind of acting out takes a lot of intense work to overcome. I wouldn't be able to potentially put my child in harm's way just because the other child doesn't MEAN to do any harm. It's still harmful, especially if it continues, especially if the younger child grows up and says hey, you knew this had happened in full view of everyone - why didn't you stop it from happening again?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I really want to support the OP and her decision to keep these kids apart. I don't think she she should be made to feel guilty or think she should not follow her gut so that the OTHER child won't feel bad. It's her child she has to worry about, especially as she knows the other child has a good support system.

And any decisions about keeping distance between these kids can be revisted again later. This has JUST happened. I think if it were my three year old, I'd feel pretty raw and hurt and angry about the whole thing. I'd have a lot of feelings that probably wouldn't be very nice or PC and she is entitled to have those feelings as well. It's not like she's tracking the older kid down and telling HIM all this, that would be crossing a line. But telling other adults in a safe environment about how she feels should be allowed.
I really respect everyone's right to their own opinions, but there are some statements here that are simply inaccurate as to what others in this thread have said. I hope the OP understands that NO ONE... not one single person in this thread... has said that she shouldn't protect her son or that her nephew's needs is more important than her son's. No one here thinks that from what they've written.

Where there is a bit of division in opinions is about:

1) what it means to protect her son moving forward

2) question of how her nephew should be regarded

From the posts everyone here understands that this is an unimaginable situation and that OP is understandably having a hard time with it. But we all are mothers here and we have to also understand that when things get really complicated like this, and feelings are complicated, when we speak from the heart it triggers lots of emotions in others as well. That's part of being on a message board - you're gonna get lots of opinions!

So when OP says "all her sister's love and attention on her nephew were wasted", that sets off some BIG feelings in many. And they said so, which is just as legitimate a part of this dialogue as those of you who feel OP is right to keep her son from her nephew forever. It's all opinions.

But no one ever lost track of the OP having every single right in the world to feel as she does, and NO ONE here is suggesting that her nephew's issues are more important or take precedent over the safety of her son.

Many of us are just suggesting that 1) if her son doesn't seem upset by what happened and isn't aware that it's considered wrong, he is likely not to be negatively affected by the incident itself. And 2) if her son will be very upset to not see his nephew, maybe after giving some time and attention to her own feelings about all this (seeing a counselor for you OP is a great idea considering how difficult this situation understandably is), maybe she will consider that with the right supervision she doesn't have to keep them apart.

That's about her son's feelings, not about what's best for the nephew.

There are many here as well who are greatly concerned about the nephew since he is a child himself who has been through a lot already. I'm one of those people who agree with other posters that hopefully his mom (OPs sister) will NOT give up on him, as upsetting as all this is. This is exactly the kind of situation where, in order for the nephew to function as a productive member of society and not turn into an alienated, violent, abusive person, he needs to know he's still got his family and still loved even if he clearly needs some expert attention and needs to understand he's done something very very wrong.

But be very very clear: if this was my son who the nephew molested, my nephew would never ever be alone with my son again until my son was an adult. Period, end of story. So this isn't about protecing the nephew's needs over OP's son, not at all. It's just that this involves 2 children and while OP *must* protect her son, many of us just hope that with time and healing, she may be able to look at her nephew again, maybe even love her nephew again, while still keeping her son totally safe.
post #56 of 131

Follow your instincts mama

This hits so close to home, I am crying for you. It is not your job to consider your nephews feelings in this situation. That is your sister's job, and it sounds like she's doing a good one. Protect your little boy.

This might sound harsh, but it comes from personal experience. Whether or not your nephew understands what he is doing, he is still putting your son in a situation he should never be in. He's 11 and just a child, but he is abusing your son. I so wish my mother saw what was going on with me and the older kid and kept me away from the person. If she had, I know the many problems with sex that dominated my teenage years and early twenties would not have happened.

Two 11 year olds experiment mutually, 11 and 3 1/2 is abuse. Follow your gut and protect that innocent baby.
post #57 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimonMom View Post
This is not "normal" nor was it simply a "mistake" like some pp's said. It's bigger than that. Someone said that if it was same age peers it would be seen as normal. Oh H--- no. You show me yours and I'll show you mine is normal. Any child having their MOUTH on my son's PENIS is not normal and certainly goes beyond a "mistake" when there is an 8 year age difference!


Yes, this. I'm sorry, but justifying this by calling it a mistake or normal or "experimentation" on a THREE YEAR OLD is beyond inappropriate. It is NOT okay. I'm pretty sure that couching something like this in those kind of terms is HOW abuse in families gets "overlooked" for years.

Two six-year-olds explore, yes but not with their mouths. Really, though, even two eleven year olds are old enough to be sliding into much more dangerous territory -- even WITHOUT oral contact. Twelve-year-old girls becoming pregnant is not exactly unheard of. But an eleven-year-old and a THREE year old? That is not okay.

I cannot even imagine how I would feel if I found out that my older cousin did something like that to me when I was three years old, and my mom took sympathy on him, and tried not to make him feel bad, and supported his "mistake" and kept us involved in a relationship.

I'm not saying to emotionally or physically beat up the nephew. In fact, I think that discussing things with him at all should be left up to his parents and counselors. But spending quality family time together with him and my violated child? No.
post #58 of 131
^Yeah that. He had to learn it from somewhere. I don't think this thought should just come naturally to an 11 year old.

There has been a lot of sexual abuse in both my family and DH's. On DH's side it was all older kids (bunch of different evnts/offenders). In all the cases, it was hushed up by some threat or other, and DH and BIL have had a very hard time dealing with it because they did not have supportive guidance and professional help at an early age. Your son is very lucky to have such a caring mom who is going to do the best to help him through this.

And your feelings toward the nephew are totally valid. I really don't think I would let my son see him again either. And all those who are saying to be compassionate towards your nephew - I think the most compassionate thing for him (at least while he's in recovery) is to have complete space from a vulnerable boy who represents a temptation to repeat.
post #59 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimonMom View Post
This is not "normal" nor was it simply a "mistake" like some pp's said. It's bigger than that. Someone said that if it was same age peers it would be seen as normal. Oh H--- no. You show me yours and I'll show you mine is normal. Any child having their MOUTH on my son's PENIS is not normal and certainly goes beyond a "mistake" when there is an 8 year age difference!
OKay....

No one is saying this is normal....some PPs, myself included, have stated that exploratory play is normal for her sons age and that, for that reason, it probably will feel like that is all it was to her DS and that he probably, so long as the OP continues to handle it correctly, will not be negatively effected by the incident or even remember it after a while.

The pp's saying that exploratory play is normal for a three year old were not saying that WHAT HAPPENED was normal...what happened was highly abnormal and not okay, but only because there was a specific sex act (oral sex) acted out and because it was between two children with such a large age gap.

Like I said in my post....two three year olds playing "showing/poking at pee pees" - totally normal, no matter what your comfort level is as a parent...and like I said, in that scenario, I would redirect but I wouldn't be freaking out. But two three year olds OR a three year old and an eleven year old playing "kissy pee pee" is a big deal...because it speaks of an adult or older kid influence, due to the speficic sex act being played out.

No on is saying that what happened is okay. No one is saying that three year old are supposed to be preforming oral sex on each other, no one said that. Period.
post #60 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by denimtiger View Post
Yes, this. I'm sorry, but justifying this by calling it a mistake or normal or "experimentation" on a THREE YEAR OLD is beyond inappropriate. It is NOT okay. I'm pretty sure that couching something like this in those kind of terms is HOW abuse in families gets "overlooked" for years.

Two six-year-olds explore, yes but not with their mouths. Really, though, even two eleven year olds are old enough to be sliding into much more dangerous territory -- even WITHOUT oral contact. Twelve-year-old girls becoming pregnant is not exactly unheard of. But an eleven-year-old and a THREE year old? That is not okay.

I cannot even imagine how I would feel if I found out that my older cousin did something like that to me when I was three years old, and my mom took sympathy on him, and tried not to make him feel bad, and supported his "mistake" and kept us involved in a relationship.

I'm not saying to emotionally or physically beat up the nephew. In fact, I think that discussing things with him at all should be left up to his parents and counselors. But spending quality family time together with him and my violated child? No.
I agree with you. And I know all too well how families brush aside sexual abuse perpetuated by a child upon another child even when the power differential is obvious. I lived it for many years of my childhood. And I am to this day blamed for causing a rift in the family when I cut said molester out of my life when I turned 18.
I think it's actually a good idea to not see the 11 yr. old any more. I can understand being very angry with him, he molested her child for crying out loud. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and he does not become an adult abuser.
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