Welcoming a new baby soon after a family tragedy

[RTT]

I was due on Friday but this baby boy hasn't made his appearance yet. My parents called me Sat. morning and told me my older brother took his own life earlier in the week. They weren't sure if they should tell me given the pregnancy but felt that they had to. The last several days have been awful. I'm trying to seperate the grief from my excitement about welcoming this new baby. Anyone have advice/experience on how to cope with tragedy without letting it color the joy of this new life?

[mama*pisces]

OMG mama I am so so sorry that you are going through this!! I can't even imagine..... Sending you lots of love and strength to get through this difficult time.

[rainbowmoon]

Not in your DDC but saw your post under "new posts".

I lost my DH when DD was two weeks old. (Incidentally I was in the Aug '05 DDC at the time)

It's SOOOO hard. One good thing is breastfeeding WILL help your mental state. Physiologically and emotionally.

One thing I can suggest is to just let yourself feel what you feel. Give yourself permission as well as a break here! Your new baby is going to bring such healing to you and your family. Really. It will be tough being pulled in two directions but it's a blessing as well. (to have something positive to focus on really will help pull you through) Not to mention BF is so grounding as is having a newborn.

I'm so sorry about your brother.

[Raene]

If you are able to eat your placenta, I would really recommend that. I am vegetarian myself but still planning on it. That can really help prevent PPD, which you may be more vulnerable to after a family tragedy.

My uncle very unexpectedly passed away in July. It's been really hard for my family and I know that it does affect the pregnancy.

[rainbowmoon]

You know I thought for sure I'd get PPD after my DH died. I didn't. Interestingly enough, I did face a bout of shock and depression when my DD weaned though! It was almost like a flood at the time.

Just wanted to throw that in there. Some things do take years to process and breastfeeding is a great natural anti depressant IMHO!

The placenta eating is a great idea.

Sorry about your uncle.

Originally Posted by Raene

If you are able to eat your placenta, I would really recommend that. I am vegetarian myself but still planning on it. That can really help prevent PPD, which you may be more vulnerable to after a family tragedy.

My uncle very unexpectedly passed away in July. It's been really hard for my family and I know that it does affect the pregnancy.

[mama kk]

[spiritedmama]

ohhhhh, so sorry mama! I agree with the other mamas. Breastfeeding gives you lots of happy hormones and it prevents your baby from any negative effects of depression or PPD. I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom other than to just send a hug your way....

[sky_and_lavender]

I'm so sorry! I've faced the suicide of a friend and family member and know how hard it is. Please don't blame yourself (even though it is natural to think, "what if I had done [x] differently?") Just try to let all the contradictory feelings flow through you without judging yourself for any of them. Also, it may help to talk with a counselor with experience helping suicide survivors, or at least to read some level-headed information about suicide if you find your feelings are taking over. (The survivors of suicide site is a good basic resource.)

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I know this is not how having a new baby is "supposed" to be. But this is how it is for you this time. Try not to resist too much.

[dislocator3972]

I would HIGHLY recommend seeking out some mental health resources. Even if you just post the phone number on the fridge and never call, knowing what resources are available to you, where to get them, and how to go about it might be very empowering.

Depending on where you live, I bet you can find either a support group specifically for the loss of a loved one close to you, or something more general. If you're religious, I've been seeing a lot of churches lately that are promoting grief support groups, you might be able to find something that route as well.

Plus, any university with a psychology program would have lots of students that need to complete a certain number of hours of supervised counseling. Many schools provide those sessions for free or at a very reduced cost. Going to a session or two might before the baby comes might reassure you that you can be happy for your child and grieve your brother at the same time.

Reaching out to people is probably the best thing you can possibly do. No one can help you if you hide your need, but many, many people will give you all the support they can if they know you need it.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your brother. You, your pregnancy, and your family will be in my prayers.

[Spring Sun]

I am so sorry, mama, that has to be the hardest thing. I personally think that our children benefit from our ability to feel our emotions and are only hurt by how we are feeling when we don't allow it to come out. I have cried a lot during this pregnancy and I think that flow of emotions is much better than stifling it. I am sure that doesn't help, but I agree with everyone else that it might be best to talk with someone about this...

[The Harpy]

My DH and I were seperated and he committed suicide. I found out 3 weeks later I was pregnant w/ this wee one who is due Oct 4th. It was VERY hard. It IS very hard.

Hang in there, keep your head on and google "Carla Fine" who is an amazing woman who survived her husbands suicide. She talks about grief in a way that I never could think about, losing your brother is going to be deeply moving for a long while mama. :

Thinking of you... hang in there.

[Abraisme]

[mouso]

I'm so, so sorry.

No advice, mama. Just lots of love and .

[RTT]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies and well wishes. I'm really trying to spend today focusing on my soon-to-be-born little guy and just sort of compartmentalize the grief for now. My parents are coming up today to stay with DD and help out with her and my younger brother plans to come up later in the week. I think it'll be good for my family to be together. I do hope the BFing hormones help- expecting/hoping BFing to be easier from the get-go than it was the first time around.

[railyuh]

: It is definitely hard. I know this isn't the same thing, but the last month has been very stressful for my family as my parents are going through a very unexpected divorce after 34 years of marriage. I think the emotions of it for me are compounded by the fact that I was the one who discovered he was having multiple affairs while I was visiting them and so I had to confront my dad and tell my mom the truth (because even though he "confessed" he was lying during his confession). It's brought up a lot of unresolved issues I've had with my father for years, plus being so far away from my mom while she is going through this and knowing I can't be there for her because I am here waiting to have a baby (they live in CO, we live in OR).

It is really hard to focus on the joys in my life when there is this huge sad thing happening to my family and I feel helpless about it. All I can think is to let yourself feel everything, the grief for your brother and the joy for your new little one, accept those feelings and do your best to just feel them without letting them control or overwhelm you. But that is easier said and done. Just take it moment by moment.

[BeagleMommy]

I'm so sorry. When I was about three months pregnant with this little guy, my friend and midwife died suddenly. I know just what you mean as far as the mix of grief and excitement for the new life you're carrying. No real advice. Many pps have had good advice. I just wanted to say it will get easier. I can say my friend's name most days now without crying. I'll let you know how it goes giving birth without her there. That may be a different story altogether.

[Jilian]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost DH's dad unexpectedly when I was preg with DS2 (DH's first child) and it was really hard. It sounds weird to say but it helped us to think that DS had one extra guardian angel watching over him. DH still has sad days over his dad not meeting DS but it gets easier as time passes.

Be gentle with yourself

[babykaoss]

s

You have my sympathy and support. I know how confusing this must feel.....

[thepoet]

Im really sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my grandmother about a month before my daughter, and her first great grand daughter was born. It was pretty hard.

I second eating your placenta and getting it encapsulated. It can only help.

Best of luck to you. May you find comfort and love with your family, friends and new little person.

[bright-midnight]