hook lines for queries

[MommyHawk]

I've been busy crafting my hook line to go at the top of my query submissions...care to critique it and let me know what you think?

Submit your own if you want some help with yours too

here's my in-the-works hook line:

When Matty Bell discovers an old suicide note on the night of her 30th birthday in her own handwriting she is resolved to fight her way back to a place of healing, love, and personal redemption.
(or healing, self discovery, and personal redemption) (or self discovery, love, and personal redemption)...

thanks!

[doubledutch]

it's too long. it does sound like an intriguing story, but you may not be able to squeeze everything into this hook that you want. how about:

on the night of her 30th birthday, a stranger's suicide note draws matty bell into a fight for love, healing and personal redemption.
or
on the night of her 30th birthday, matty bell discovers a strange note that spurs her fight for personal redemption.

it can wait that the note is old and in her own writing. it's not that those things aren't important, but you can't say everything. i would also seriously consider simply 'personal redemption' rather than a list of three things.

[madsommer]

i agree with doubledutch. it's a run-on sentence and you lose the potential reader real quick.

[Aufilia]

Originally Posted by MommyHawk

here's my in-the-works hook line:

When Matty Bell discovers an old suicide note on the night of her 30th birthday in her own handwriting she is resolved to fight her way back to a place of healing, love, and personal redemption.
(or healing, self discovery, and personal redemption) (or self discovery, love, and personal redemption)...

I agree, I think it needs to be shorter and snappier. You're trying to tell too much in one sentence, and it's hard to read. Lemme see, here's an alternate idea...

On the eve of her 30th birthday, Matty Bell's rediscovery of a suicide note she wrote when she was (15? 20? 25?) stirs up (memories? old feelings?) that (cause her to DO what? I'd be inclined to put in something concrete action she takes rather than her emotional goal).


The mini-synopsis part of my query is 6 sentences arranges into 3 paragraphs, and about 150 words long. The first two sketch my protagonist's history and present situation. The 3rd introduces the secondary main character, the antagonist, and the antagonist's goal. The next two describe early complications. The last describes my protagonist's main dilemma (stick with what he's always done or follow his newfound conscience?). That covers the story about 1/3 of the way through the novel; I don't go into any further complications or how it ends.