What do you say to your bossy 3/4 year olds?

[Chiroalltheway]

(Or any age, for that matter...haha) DS1 is officially entering the "bossy" stage! I feel like I can deal with it as far as our home life is concerned, but we are about to visit the grandparents. I know that he likes to get so buddy-buddy with one or both of them, and they (rightfully so, as they hardly ever see him) LOVE that. They just get into situations with him where he won't let them do anything other than play with them, and I'm worried that it's going to be compounded this time with his bossiness coming into play the whole time! So what kinds of things do you say to your LOs to discourage the unkind bossiness? Let me know if I need to explain more or give examples

[ann_of_loxley]

We choose to live conensually and I try my best to approach DS uncondionally. DS went through the 'bossy' phase and the good thing to know is that it really is just a phase! lol I do not think children this young are purposly being rude or mean or unkind or any of that. I think they are just trying to find a way to get their needs met - and their tone at this age comes across as being 'bossy'. I did find it slightly funny because DS would be 'bossy' about the most strangest of things. 'Stand here!!' and 'Hold your hands like this!!' - as well as the typcal 'Do this!' and 'Do that!' and 'Play like this!' etc

I found it helpful to be calm and loving and unconditional. If he would boss me about I would simply rephrase (in prefered) tone. (me rephrasing - not telling him to rephrase it - I don't do the 'magic word' rubbish). For example: 'Play with me NOW!' (and other such bossyness) - I would simply, in a clam loving manner and tone rephrase: 'You would like me to play cars with you now?'. (oh hey - mum loves me regardness, I don't have to be 'rude' to get her attention). If desired need/want is possible - then I will. If say I am unable to - like I am in the middle of taking a shower for example - I will rephrase and then explain that 'Yes - I would love to!' - explain what I am currently doing and after doing that then I can do xyz with him. Sometimes this irritated him (lack of patience) so I would simply say 'Yes - I would love to!' - and then finish what I was doing and found that he was perfectly patient (but stating that he had to be patient caused him to be upset/annoyed/etc lol!). If my DS got upset, as it is something I could not/did not/will not do - for whatever reason, etc - as children do so often get upset. Then I would validate his feelings - listen to him, understand. Offer soultions if need be but usually hes pretty good at coming up with those himself now. 'Are you feeling sad' (get a conversation going), 'I can see you are very upset - you wanted me to play playdough with you right now didn't you?' - 'We have to leave the house now because we have to pick up Grandma (or whatever) - would you like to play playdough with me when we get back?'...etc Helps express feelings in appropriate manner, says its okay to have them, lets you know you care and listen but that it is also not the end of the world and there is a solution.

[jewelsJZ]

We say "Can you please try that again?" If dd or ds don't rephrase it, then we do, e.g. "Get me more milk!" becomes "Would you please get me some more milk, Mommy?" Then we do it. Very matter of fact.
My ds did the same thing with my in-laws that you were describing. I don't think they minded it very much for the most part. I figured, it's up to them if they want to set limits with him and say, "No, I don't want to play cars with you for yet another hour." or whatever. And he is 5 now and doesn't do it any more. It was a phase.

[NicaG]

I usually say, "what I'd like to hear is, may I have some milk please." Or sometimes, "could you think of a kinder way to say that?"

[Chiroalltheway]

Originally Posted by NicaG

I usually say, "what I'd like to hear is, may I have some milk please." Or sometimes, "could you think of a kinder way to say that?"

I like that one..."Could you think of a kinder way to say that?" I'm generally not talking about when DS1 is bossy with ME...I can handle that one gently. I am just concerned that he will boss the GPs around while we're at their house, they'll let him, and he'll not learn that it's not okay. I just want him to learn how to be kind about asking them constantly to play with them....so I love that question, NicaG!!!!

[LynnS6]

"That sounded rude. How about "Can you play with me please?"" At 3, I wouldn't insist that they actually say that, I would just rephrase it for them so they understand what the more polite version is.

Now that my kids are 5 and 8, I will simply say "That sounded rude. Try again." Though even tonight I realized that dd didn't know how to politely tell Dad that he hadn't done what she'd asked. She'd asked for more butter on her noodles, and he didn't hear her. She said "Dad, I ASKED you to put BUTTER on my NOODLES." After I said "that was rude" she said "please". I then realized that she didn't know how to rephrase it. So, I explained that if Dad didn't do something that she'd asked, it was better to say "Dad, did you hear me ask for more butter on my noodles?"

I think with 3-4 year olds you have to separate out two things: the language they use to ask for something and their desire to rule the universe as they know it. Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart, but it does help to see if you can figure out which issue you're dealing with - is the a boundary issue where the 3 year old is telling everyone EXACTLY how to behave, or is this a language issue where the 3 year old is sounding like a tyrant, but really just is learning how to sound polite.

[ShadowMom]

I don't have that much new to add. If DS starts acting bossy, I will say, "Are you remembering to not be bossy?" or "I don't like being bossed around. I need you to say that differently. Can you say 'mom, I need your help' instead?"

I am always very specific about what I need him to say differently and generally offer an example of how he can phrase things differently.

I see a lot of people doing the whole, "That's not how we say that" sort of thing in real life, and they don't tell kids what the appropriate way to say something is... I think it's really important, personally. The clearer the expectations, the more we are setting them up to succeed IMO...

Also, this is a little off topic... I don't require my DS to say key words like please and thank you. In real life, asking for something politely frequently doesn't involve those words. It's all about tone and asking instead of ordering, or directing someone in a polite way. I suspect the whole please and thank you ritual has more to do with putting children in their place than teaching politeness in a lot of mainstream situations.

[donutmolly]

We also ask DD to rephrase when her bossiness becomes "rudeness" -- when it's just a random command, I like to play along, but let her know that I'm being silly... then issue some silly commands of my own.

We've also read a bunch of children's books that include bossy characters and talked about how we feel if someone bosses us around. One of DD's favorites is "Kitty Princess" -- which involves a very bossy character. We will often ask DD if she is being "kitty princess" when she's issuing too many orders.

[srs]

We do a mix of everything mentioned, plus I do try to let DD know (gently, of course) that the world does not revolve around her desires. It's generally something like "DD, you get to pick out your clothes, and I get to pick out my clothes" or "I know you want your friend to play blocks with you right now, but he wants to ride his bike. You get to decide how you play, and he gets to decide how he plays. Maybe you can ask him nicely if he'd like to play with you."

Stuff like that.

[kreyno4]

A friend suggested labeling the statements "demand" or "request." I started w/ a short explanation on how people prefer requests to demands.

dd: Give me cheese.
me: that's a demand.
dd: May I please have some cheese?
me: That's a [polite] request

She still makes MANY demands, more if she is tired, hungry, or otherwise grumpy, so I don't know if this is a really better way or not. But it does help me stay calmer to focus on labeling the statement instead of labeling her/her behavior.

[meemee]

i swore i would never have a bossy kid.

then it happened.

i kinda didnt mind her being all bossy and sassy. yeah they came together.

i sometimes would reflect it back in a playful way.

however i did reflect back her words how someone might find it unkind. doenst matter what you say but how you say it.

i never insisted she get out of that bossy phase. i didnot expect her to change her language for me. i would correct her when seh was talking to her friends.

hmmm... also i found i wouldnt have to do anything between her and her gparents. i let them handle whatever happened. her gpa was v. kind and worked thru that with her. so i didnt feel a need to but in. had he felt hurt i would have. i must say he did it much better than i would have. sometimes he laughed. sometimes he helped her see her attitude.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by Chiroalltheway

They just get into situations with him where he won't let them do anything other than play with them, and I'm worried that it's going to be compounded this time with his bossiness coming into play the whole time!

i'd talk with the grandparents about setting limits and boundaries. everyone has a right to be respected, not just kids. it's not a matter of what your child will "let" them do, they are the grown-ups and if they want him to learn how to set boundaries for himself they need to do it with them.

for us, the bossiness was easily redirected with things like, "when you say something to me in a mean way i don't fell like helping you/playing with you." it's a statement of your feelings and doesn't make the kiddo responsible for you.

we use, "can you think of a more polite way to ask that?" if he can't that's fine an we'll help him but usually his whole tone of voice changes and he asks kindly and gently.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by ShadowMom

Also, this is a little off topic... I don't require my DS to say key words like please and thank you. In real life, asking for something politely frequently doesn't involve those words. It's all about tone and asking instead of ordering, or directing someone in a polite way. I suspect the whole please and thank you ritual has more to do with putting children in their place than teaching politeness in a lot of mainstream situations.

we don't require please either. it's totally tone for us.

nak!

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by Chiroalltheway

. I am just concerned that he will boss the GPs around while we're at their house, they'll let him, and he'll not learn that it's not okay. I just want him to learn how to be kind about asking them constantly to play with them....so I love that question, NicaG!!!!

i just read this part. i think it would be prudent to talk to the grandparents about this. maybe something like, "we're helping ds learn about boundaries as he is in a bossy phase. could you help us keep this consistent by being firm with your boundaries?"

[lmkirche]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

I found it helpful to be calm and loving and unconditional. If he would boss me about I would simply rephrase (in prefered) tone. (me rephrasing - not telling him to rephrase it - I don't do the 'magic word' rubbish). For example: 'Play with me NOW!' (and other such bossyness) - I would simply, in a clam loving manner and tone rephrase: 'You would like me to play cars with you now?'. (oh hey - mum loves me regardness, I don't have to be 'rude' to get her attention). If desired need/want is possible - then I will. If say I am unable to - like I am in the middle of taking a shower for example - I will rephrase and then explain that 'Yes - I would love to!' - explain what I am currently doing and after doing that then I can do xyz with him. Sometimes this irritated him (lack of patience) so I would simply say 'Yes - I would love to!' - and then finish what I was doing and found that he was perfectly patient (but stating that he had to be patient caused him to be upset/annoyed/etc lol!). If my DS got upset, as it is something I could not/did not/will not do - for whatever reason, etc - as children do so often get upset. Then I would validate his feelings - listen to him, understand. Offer soultions if need be but usually hes pretty good at coming up with those himself now. 'Are you feeling sad' (get a conversation going), 'I can see you are very upset - you wanted me to play playdough with you right now didn't you?' - 'We have to leave the house now because we have to pick up Grandma (or whatever) - would you like to play playdough with me when we get back?'...etc Helps express feelings in appropriate manner, says its okay to have them, lets you know you care and listen but that it is also not the end of the world and there is a solution.

I like this. Very good to remember. I so often need these reminders. Thanks so much ladies.