Alternatives to time-out?

[vrclay]

My son is about to turn 2 and until now I've been ignoring my family when they say "He's old enough to know better"; "He's manipulating you"; "You should put him in time out", etc. I'm not a huge fan of the time-out concept but would rather reserve it for times when the offense is something that puts his or someone else in physical danger.

Of course this in complicated by the addition of a new brother (2 weeks old). I've been doing my best to give my older son 1 on 1 mommy time each day.

So some of the problem areas we are having center around taking medication, which as recently as 3-5 weeks ago we had to tell him he could only have 1 dose because too much medicine can be harmful, now he refuses to take it and it's a huge power struggle to get him to take it and I end up forcing him to take it which is not my first choice.

We'd been working on potty learning but now he doesn't ever want to sit on his potty, even the one in the living room where he gets to watch a Franklin episode. I'm not too worried about that but my husband is.

The biggest change is he is being very negative and using the word "no" a lot. I knew this day would come but I was hoping it might be later. This is very new and I'm not sure how to respond. It goes something like this: It's bath time for Jameson! "NO", It's dinner time, we have oranges or watermelon, which would you like, "NO".

My biggest concern is that he thinks it is a game to run away from mama. With a newborn it makes it more difficult to chase after him. I know this is an attention seeking behavior, I'm just at a loss as to how to handle it once he's taken off.

OK, that's all for now. I at least feel a little better by thinking it through enough to have written it all down. I'm looking forward to any ideas you might have regarding time-out alternatives to the situations I've described or how to best integrate a new baby into to mix.

[mama k nj]

This can be a tough age. ((hugs)))

First as far as the potty thing goes, my DS is 3yo and STILL is not using the potty all the time. We started before 2yo with some EC and stepped up to more traditional methods after he turned 2yo. My point is that most boys don't seem to get the hang of it until much later. So it's up to you if that's a struggle you are willing to deal with.. potentally for another year. If I had known that it was going to take this long, I would have saved myself the frustration and started later.

As far as the No thing goes. Playing "no" games with him helps. Like I say silly things like "Do you eat dirt?" He says "no!" "Is your name Johnny?" He says "no!" I try to come up with the silliest things to say and he starts cracking up about it. Of course there are times, like when you are giving him his meds, that he just has to do what you say. Another thing that has been suggested to me is giving him choices so that he feels like he has a little more control. I am sure to give him just 2 shirts to pick from or 2 snacks... so that's not overwhelming but he still gets to make a decision.

And the running off thing... well to me this is a safety issue so I am firm about it. I actually have one of those backpacks with a "leash" : It is reserved for airports and other such public places where there are lots of other ppl. We don't use it that often. Lots of places we go he has to ride in the stroller or shopping cart. It is just understood. He does not have the impulse control yet to walk with me and hold my hand so I have to keep him safe.

All that said, I do use time outs sparingly. Maybe not true GD, but it's the best I could come up. (Like when he hit me in the face with a shoe yesterday!) Mostly time out gives ME a minute to calm down and think about the best way to respond.
Like everyone, I'm just trying to do the best that I can, you know?

[One_Girl]

Most kids go through a no stage. It is a stage when they tend to test things and see how much you really mean what you say. During this stage with dd I went to a lot of effort to remain cheerful and see the no's as an expression of not wanting to do something rather than refusing to do something. If I could offer her a choice of not doing something then I would, if I couldn't I would cheerfully go to her and repeat my request and give her assistance as needed to do what I was asking her to do.

When my dd was three I fell into a bad cycle of thinking that she was old enough to live up to some expectations that were very high and I expected dd to do what I asked her to do without expressing any unwillingness. I was going through a divorce and was tense and not very reflective about my parenting and how it was affecting my dd. Three was a hideous year until I pulled out of my stress, changed my expectations to reflect what she was showing me she could do, and stopped trying to control her feelings and desires. Even if you do start using time-out, I really urge you not to use it just because your child expresses a desire to not do something you want him to do or a desire that conflicts with your desires. Children are little people and they have their own wants and desires just as anyone else and I really encourage you to keep that in mind even when things are really stressful and hard.

[skueppers]

I don't really know anyone who uses time outs much, and don't have anyone in my life telling me that I ought to be using time outs more with my kids. I've only seen a kid have a time out maybe twice. So the place I'm coming from is different from mainstream society, but I thought it might help to hear it.

I don't really understand how time outs might help with any of the situations you outlined. What would be the point? How would responding to a child running away in a public place by giving them a time out keep them from doing it in the future? How could giving a child a time out for refusing to sit on the potty have any positive impact? I just don't get it.

It seems to me that there is no "one size fits all" approach to these kinds of issues. Here's what I would do about each of them:

Medication: Tough, he just has to do it. But it might be more agreeable to him if he had some choice about when or under what circumstances he would take it. With one of my kids, offering him the choice of doing it now or in 10 minutes would have worked wonders; with the other, there really wasn't anything, we just would have had to fight about it until she got older and was able to resign herself to it.

Potty: Back off and try again in a few weeks or months. You can't MAKE a kid use the potty, just like you can't MAKE them sleep or eat. Trying to force the issue is probably just creating an unhelpful power struggle. There's no particular reason why he needs to be doing this right now, especially with a new baby in the house. When he does get back to a place where he's willing to sit on the potty, experiment with different methods, like letting him run around with no bottoms, switching to underwear, using a timer, etc. FWIW, my kids have been very different about potty training, though they've both done it a bit past 2 1/2. With both of them, though, backing off and trying again later was helpful.

"No": I agree with the previous poster who suggested offering choices whenever possible, and offering opportunities to say "no." "Would you like to go to library storytime today?" is a kind of question where a kid really does get to say no if they don't want to go. But no matter what you do, you'll probably still be dealing with this issue. I try to make it clear to my kids when they have a choice, and when they don't. If they don't have a choice, then I just move ahead with whatever it is anyway. With my daughter, this did sometimes involve carrying her screaming to the car; my son is more compliant.

Running away: I try to avoid situations where running away is possible. When they were in a running stage, I've required my kids to do things like sit in the shopping cart. My husband and I do our grocery shopping together on Saturday mornings at Costco, where they have carts with seats for two kids. That way, if the kids run out of patience, he can take one or both kids out to the car while I finish the shopping. I also shop in the evenings when the kids are asleep.

Incidentally, I do use something like a "time out" for situations where a kid is just being totally crazy (throwing shoes around the living room, hitting people, etc.) For example, I take my son upstairs when he does these things and snuggle with him until he calms down. My daughter absolutely hates to be held when she's in that kind of mood, so I don't hold her unless I have to (recently at the zoo, there was no reasonable alternative). But I do take her upstairs and wait for her to calm down, blocking the stairs with my body so she can't go back downstairs until she is calm.

[Landover]

I really think the vast majority of his current behavior is due to new baby. If he was taking the medication prior to now, it is likely that he sees the struggle with the medication as a way to get your undivided attention for a little bit.

Honestly, I would wait until newborn is sleeping and then have a nice long, play session with him where he feels very listened to and happy. Then say, "Let's take you medication real quickly so we can play more. I had so much fun playing pirates and can't wait to play more. Here's your medication, hurry up because I can't wait to play more!!"

As far as the potty goes, same thing. He sees it as one thing he can control in a changing world. I would totally back off for awhile and wait it out until things get into a new normal.

[mom2grrls]

Does he have to take meds every day or is this just OTC stuff that you want him to take? I personally didn't do meds with the kids unless they were really bothered by the symptoms and couldn't sleep. he's trying to exert his control and the potty and med taking are the ways he's doing it. I'd back off on the potty. I would try to take "no" totally out of your vocab first and then let him make choices on things that are negotiable. it will pass

[swd12422]

For the meds: Can you come up with a few small treats/surprises that he can have only after he takes the meds? Then you can say, "Time for meds. Help me pick out the treat you want for after." and give him a choice of two. It could be cookies/candy (if you do that) or maybe get some small toys from the dollar store, or stickers, or some combination of stuff.

Sorry you're going through this. It's exactly why I'm now rethinking my urgency to have another one!

[Wild Lupine]

My daughter has been doing much like you described for several months. She is 2 3/4. One of the things that helps me a lot is to remember that these behaviors are completely normal and developmentally appropriate. Asserting independence is what healthy toddlers do. It may be hideously inconvenient to us, we cannot always allow them to have their way, but the fact that they are saying no, trying to control their movements and environment (by running away, for example) is to be rejoiced in. I know someone whose child has a serious development disorder and her child never went through this stage. Relationships will likely always be difficult or impossible for this child, and he will always need some sort of care. But our children- who say no, who want things their way RIGHT NOW- they are well on their well to healthy social and emotional development. Remembering this keeps my anxiety and frustration at bay so I can respond to my DD's requests, demands, and sometimes unsafe behavior effectively and kindly.

Some specific strategies for the things you mentioned (and we've faced all of them here):

Potty learning: I'm wondering why the potty learning is an issue? Do you or your husband feel he needs to be out of diapers by a certain time? It seems like this is one thing you can easily let go of right now. A PLing toddler is much more work than a fully diapered toddler, and with a newborn maybe you can cut yourself a lot of slack on this one and wait a few months.

Running away: It is a rare two year old that has the impulse control not to run toward something interesting, or simply run because running is fun. In a parking lot or b the street I simply don't give mine the choice, she's either in my arms, in a carrier, or in a stroller. Period. Maybe when she's four we'll try giving her more freedom, but honestly, many kids can't handle it until 6 or 7.

Saying 'no': Give choices like other PP's mentioned, but I also pick battles judiciously. I often ask myself 'is this a hill I want to die on?' I also use the oven timer. 'Don't want breakfast now? I'll set the timer and you can eat when it goes off.' The objectivity of the timer seems to keep it from being a battle of wills.

Medicine: This probably is a hill to die on, so maybe what other shave suggested about making it part of a fun routine. I'm not opposed to the well-placed bribe. 'Sure I'll read your favorite book. Right after you take the medicine.'

As kids get more verbal, it does get much easier.

[vrclay]

Thank you for all the support and ideas.