i'm upset about DS "accident" in class(Update post #25)

[meg-momto2]

DS is 5.5yo. this is his first time in school. he's never been to daycare or pre-k. he's taking it pretty well other then some attention issues. yesterday he came home in his extra set of clothes. i was absolutely shocked when he told me he had an accident. he hasn't had an accident in years. after some questioning he said that the music teacher wouldn't let him go to the bathroom and they hadn't stopped for bathroom breaks on the way to class. this really bothers me. why on earth would a teacher deny a 5yo the bathroom? is this something that's common? i'm going to be emailing his regular teacher to see if she knows what happened.

[MCR]

I'd be a little pissed too.
Let us know what the teacher says.

[lolar2]

I was so terrified of the bathroom in kindergarten. It was down that long hall, and it smelled funny, so I had a few accidents that year. But I was embarrassed to say I was afraid/ needed a "buddy system." I've known a few children who felt the same way. Is it possible this could be part of the issue, and he's using the music teacher story to save face?

[sunnmama]

Aw, poor little guy.

My dd was in 2nd grade last year, and accidents were still happening in her grade (and they do have access to the bathroom!). I know it is upsetting, but try to remember that it is common for little kids to have accidents in school. In dd's class, everyone handled it in stride.

Def talk to the teachers about the bathroom policy. Kids should be able to go if they need to. We've told dd that, if a teacher tells you that you can't go to the bathroom and you NEED to go....just go. We will handle the aftermath for you. But, yeah, def talk to the teachers about the actual policy, because sometimes things get filtered in strange ways when reported by little kids.

[GuildJenn]

I would definitely ask.

Just as a point of reference - my son's younger, but he had the same caring teachers but moved into a newer school. He slipped into the toilet on the first week and then decided he didn't like the new (clean, brand new renovation) bathroom. He's just now getting over it 8 weeks later.

[meg-momto2]

lolar2- i doubt that's the problem. after he told me yesterday i didn't mention it again until this morning. i even tried to change his story a bit to see if i got the same answer from him and he was quite adamant that the teacher wouldn't let him go. he didn't seem upset about the incident so i don't think he was to embarrassed. i'm email his teacher right now.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I know that at our school the teacher's response to a restroom request will vary depending on circumstances. If they just had recess and a child asks to go, they will allow it but will dock team points (major motivator at school, but only "bragging rights" as a reward) because the child should have gone at recess time. If it is getting close to a break the teacher will say "We have recess in 5 minutes, can you wait?" If the child says no, then they are allowed to use the restroom. As the kids get older they are asked to wait whenever possible and using the restroom during class time starts to cost points in 4th grade (which DS started this morning).

Its possible that the teacher thought they had just gone (if that is the usual routine) and thus felt OK saying "please wait". Its definitely worth asking about the policy.

[stealthmode]

This really ticks me off. I have a really small bladder and have always had to go frequently. When I was a kid, in 2nd grade, I had the same thing happen to me because the gym teacher wouldn't let me use the bathroom even though I was squeezing my legs together and repeatedly asking to go. It was totally humiliating and still bothers me. I never asked my mom what she did about it--I just remember her coming to school to bring a change of clothes and me lying about what happened because I was so embarrassed. You're doing the right thing by emailing the teacher.

Don't know what else to say except grrrrrr.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Not only would I write a letter to his regular teacher, but I would even go to the school myself and get to the bottom of it all. This hits very very VERY close to home for me, and I will tell you why:

When I was your childs age, I had a first grade teacher who HATED ME. How do you hate a 5 year old CHILD? Im not really sure, but she did! I was NOT a bad child, came from a good home with loving parents who were involved with my scholastics. I had my moments of questioning authority, but what child doesnt. Now I shouldnt remember a whole lot about my first grade years, but let me tell you, I remember some things down to what I was WEARING some days because this woman made my life a living HELL! And one of the only times I had an accident was because she would not let me use the bathroom. And we had bathrooms right in each classroom in first grade! If your childs teacher is being this nasty with him, please nip it in the bud ASAP. I never told my parents how nasty my teacher was to me, because I thought it was normal for an authorative figure to treat me this way. I of course know better now.

[BCFD]

Aww..poor guy. How tough on him! Is his restroom in the classroom or does he have to walk down the hall? If it's in his classroom and he needs permission to use it, I would be livid about that. DD just started kindy on Monday (but she has been in preschool for 2 years) and her restroom is inside of her classroom and they just go. They don't need permission to use the toilet!!! However, she goes to a public Montessori school where they also serve their own snack whenever they are hungry.

I would talk to the teacher and find out about this.

My almost 4 year old had TWO accidents yesterday. One was sitting on the bed about 5 feet away from the toilet and the other was in nighttime pull-ups while she was getting ready for bed. She NEVER has accidents, but I think she is feeling a little left out because we have been making such a huge fuss over her older sister starting kindy and she is also now napping at school. Big transitions for her this week.

Hang in there, Mama!

[meg-momto2]

to answer a few questions-
the regular classroom does have a bathroom in it but i don't know the policy for using it. from what he's told me they do bathroom breaks when they leave the classroom but didn't do one on the way to music class.

i'm really trying to not let the momma bear out but dang i'm peeved about this. i would never, ever deny a child bathroom usage. shoot, i've pulled over on the side of a busy highway so DS could pee. i've had my share a traumatizing accidents and i don't want him to go through that. it's humiliating.

[jeliphish]

tell them that if they deny him the right to use the restroom again- you are going to call CPS :

[wildmama]

In my book, access to a private and sanitary restroom whenever necessary is pretty much a basic human right.

[VisionaryMom]

Where we live I think it's pretty common not to allow restroom breaks any time a child asks. I know my MIL complains often about how many children disrupt class to ask to go to the restroom. (I'm not saying she's right, only sharing the teacher side.) It's very possible, though, that the music teacher thought they'd just gone to the bathroom on the way to class. I'd ask for the teacher's perspective before getting too upset over it.

[mammastar2]

I'd just gently inquire with the teacher as to what happened before jumping to conclusions.

Maybe she has some harebrained policy about denying bathroom breaks, but it can just as easily have been a matter of miscommunication. I know someone who felt terrible one time when she was teaching and helping one child when another little girl came up to ask to use the washroom. The teacher said said "just a minute," and turned back to finish a thought before pairing her with a buddy, but by then it was too late! So the teacher may have put off your son's request slightly, without realizing it was urgent.

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I'd just gently inquire with the teacher as to what happened before jumping to conclusions.

what she said.

[boricuaqueen327]

I just had an issue with dd who started kindergarten. They were in music class and did not kow where the bathroom was. She was wandering the hallway trying to find a restroom. Thank goodness my dad is a teacher there and he was walking back to his classroom and found her and showed her where the restroom was. Apparently the music teacher thought the regular teacher told them where the restroom was and the regular teacher thought the music teacher would tell them . I hope it was just a miscommunication for you guys, i can not imagine an elementary school teacher who would say no to a student who needed to use the restroom.

[cristeen]

Definitely get to the bottom of this. I'm actually surprised at the people who can't imagine someone denying a child permission to go to the bathroom - it happens all the time. I remember wetting my pants in elementary school because my teacher refused to let me use the bathroom - and I was older than 5 (3rd grade, maybe?)... the teacher's reason being that break was in 20 or 30 minutes, well how many children can wait 20-30 minutes? Even as an adult, I can rarely wait 20-30 minutes.

It's a form of power and control that some adults like to use on children, often paired with shaming, and it is not something that should ever be used in that way, IMO. If this is the teacher's policy on bathroom breaks for such small children, then it needs to be addressed with the principal.

[EarthMamaToBe]

I have a very small bladder and had issues all through school about not being allowed to go to the restroom. I ended up with UTI's due to being told to hold it all the time.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I'd just gently inquire with the teacher as to what happened before jumping to conclusions.

Maybe she has some harebrained policy about denying bathroom breaks, but it can just as easily have been a matter of miscommunication. I know someone who felt terrible one time when she was teaching and helping one child when another little girl came up to ask to use the washroom. The teacher said said "just a minute," and turned back to finish a thought before pairing her with a buddy, but by then it was too late! So the teacher may have put off your son's request slightly, without realizing it was urgent.

All this I was born with an incomptant bladder actually had major surgury the summer before I entered Kindergarden so imeiate bathroom allowances were important or I got serious life threatening UTI easily (ones that shut down my kidneys) I deffiently had my share of dealing with teachers who jsut didn't allow it or say did the two a year things or some other dumb rule.. but so far here they have fully allowed bathroom passes last year in Kindy it was pretty much 100% ask and granted this year (1st) its asked and will be granted almost all the time the exception is if the teacher is rig ht in the middle of say giving a test or explaining an assignment then they are asked to wait jsut a moment.

Deanna