How much would you pressure/encourage your child? - Page 2

[sisteeesmama]

Originally Posted by hergrace

This is actually a very safe time for her to struggle a bit.

Where did you get this information? As a blanket statement I don't think it holds up.

I personally would let her drop the class. Getting a 4.0 in reg. classes, if it is a good high school with good test scores and stuff, is going to look good to a college as long as you don't aren't limiting your options to only ivy league or something which you didn't mention, did you?
For me I was pressured and pushed and it backfired. I started out in gifted in elementary and once I was in high school it got to be too much. MY mom did not place any importance on the social side of things for me and instead of pushing through like she wanted I just stopped trying. I would hate to see that happen to you, too! I think if she can handle 1-2 of the AP classes and then can switch to reg. for some other classes then that is a good balance and you can reevaluate next year.

Good luck!

[Bluegoat]

It's really hard to say - 4 hours is a lot of homework - it doesn't leave any time for other worthwhile things, like exersize, or art, or whatever. On the other hand, how efficient is she? Is she using her time at school and home as well as she could be. Is it taking her 4 hours because her study skills are bad? If that is the case, then she is missing skills she needs. It's common with kids who have never had to work hard at school to be poor at some kinds of memory or drill work, or not know how to organize research and writing efficiently.

Also, strong English skills will be a real blessing if she goes to university - she will be way ahead of the other kids, and actually able to take advantage of the real learning in her classes, rather than learning how to read and write then.

My sister went to a prep school that had a lot of work involved from grade 8 to 11, an IB program. She was an ok student there. In grade 12 she decided to try public school, because she wanted to continue her extra-curricular activity, dance, and wouldn't have had time in the IB school.

Well, it worked out really well. She took honours classes for that year at public school, continued dance, and graduated with a 97% average.

She got a good scholarship to university, and has had no real trouble with the workload, mostly because she could use a library and write a mean essay. She is also dancing in a university group, teaching pre-ballet, and volunteering to do fitness stuff with at risk teen girls.

But I think that hard work in the early teen years is what set her up to be able to do all that now. She learned a few important things about academics and good study habits.

[fwlady]

I don't have personal experience with honors in HS, my son just went to his first day of 9th grade today. I have done more advanced homeschooling with him. But, we chose to put him in PS, because he wanted to go for social reasons. He isn't so ambitious, and he could excel in either schooling option, but he is sure he doesn't want to go to college. This is disappointing, and I think that boys have less options than girls, but I digress. I am going to make sure that he has the credits for college prep though, not necassarily honors, to keep his options open. He is thinking of culinary school or vocational school.

I know that when I was a teen, I could also just breeze right through. I took the harder classes in 9th and 10th grade, did my cheerleading and marching band. My grades weren't great. So, I scaled down for my 11th and 12th grade years in order to up my GPA. I was sure I wanted to go to college, but my parents were middle class, I couldn't get grants, and they couldn't afford to send me. So, I went to the USAF to get my education, that didn't work out, had a kid, got some college, and am a SAHM now.

I could have pushed myself more in school. I highly regret that my parents were older, touted that girls could do anything, but figured once they had a kid, then being a SAHM was the best and only option. I think that having this worldview made them very lax about the high school thing. I WISHED (before children and wanting to be a SAHM) that they had pushed me just a little more. I was at school for socializing#1, music #2, and education #3, and that was the way it was. But, if they had made it a point that I was there for an education to get into college, then I think I would have done better.

Now, with my own kids, I think that I am the one to teach them to enjoy learning, learn how to learn, and to gear academics to their talents. There is no reason to keep beating a dead horse. If my DH was a dr, I wouldn't necassarily push my kid to do so. If DC was poor in science and math, I wouldn't expect him to just study more and do better. If he was a talented writer, then I would push him (or her) in that direction. Perhaps your DD can take honors courses in her fortes, and do regular work in what she struggles. Is she wanting to go to an Ivy League school? Then she needs to bite the bullet and do what she has to do. But, if this isn't important to her (and only you and DH), then she is going to just hate everything eventually about school, friends and all.

I don't think the friends should be a priority at all, in a parent's POV. I think that going with what her strengths are, what she enjoys (academically), and fitting in the rest of the perks should be worked in some way, if it means she gets to "hang out" every weekend with her friends as a reward for plugging along and getting good grades.

When we decided to put DS in PS, we had based this on the fact that he isn't going to do just what makes us happy at this age. He knows that we feel school is for education (not the socialization that everyone is concerned about), although he excels at making friends and socializing. He can make decisions about his schooling at this point. If he wanted to, he could take some honors classes, but that isn't important to him. I wished my parents would have pushed me, but I think that in the end it worked out. Maybe I am not being very helpful.

My DH was in LD for dyslexia, graduated, and got a 5.5yr education:, in a blue ribbon school. And, I believe he is very successful. We may not live in a mansion, but we have a large family that we can easily afford. Our kids are pretty happy, and he is very good with them. We are happily married, and money isn't as much of an issue as it used to be. Our measurement on success has nothing to do with how big a person's house is, or what their education level is. But, that is OUR values.

If a family values high education, big houses, and big cars, then this is what a child would gravitate towards, or the parents do. Some families just value high education, and money isn't the motivation. If this is your values, then encourage her to keep plugging along. My son says that "the nerds" will inherit the earth, and that eventually, he will work for one. And, he is okay with that. LOL He is a very hard worker like his Dad, and education level hasn't mattered. My Dh has NEVER had any issues going to vocational schools, and getting good jobs. But, again, this is OUR definition of good.

Have a heart to heart with your daughter and ask her what her goals are. What is her plan A? her plan B? How can she accomplish these by what classes she takes? Etc. Kymberli

[flapjack]

I was that kid too. I dropped out of uni because I couldn't handle the workload, and all of the preparation and support that my parents had given me was down the drain because they didn't love me enough to teach me the skills that I needed. How to work. How to study. How to manage my time. And yes, 14 years on I still don't have that first degree, and I wish I'd got my act together when I was younger and learnt how to fulfil my potential academically. Partly because there are times that I just feel plain stupid (faced with academic texts, for instance) and partly because it's really impinging on my career options and my ability to provide for my kids. My grades aren't quite good enough for me to go back and do the course I want to, even. I'd LOVE to be able to sort the teenage me out.

Letting your kid coast at this stage is not a kindness. Seriously.

[amynbebes]

We're in a similar situation here, sorta. Dd actually just had her orientation for 9th last night and starts school on Monday. She's freaking out about having no friends in her classes, though she won't really know for sure until Monday and she's freaking out about school work. She's in some pretty hard classes, all honors with 1 AP class. Her ap teacher gave her a schedule for homework for the next month and she about flipped. She's another that's never really had to do tons of homework. On the friend front I've been telling her that this is a perfect opportunity to expand her circle of friends and that while by no means I'm saying dump the other ones to just use this chance to gain even more. Academically, if I/she thinks that she gets to a point that she's struggling I think we'll try to judge it by the 1st report card and take it from there. I'm going to encourage her to work hard and stay in the classes if she ends up having issues but I think if the point comes that she just can't hack it then we'll have to address class changes.

[JL83]

I would keep her in those classes IF she can actually handle them.

I knew too many people who'd breezed through highschool flunk out of university because they'd never had to work before. It's much better that she learn those skills now when it doesn't really count than in university where it could screw up her future job prospects. I think that school is about so much more than academics.

Study skills are extremely important to learn.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by becoming

I would let her drop at least the English class. She is telling you it's too much for her loud and clear. I would rather have my child be happy than academically successful.

I agree.

[ollyoxenfree]

Uh - I guess I just don't see that happiness and academic success need to be mutually exclusive. My kids have been pretty happy when they triumph over a challenge and achieve success - whether it's academic or in other pursuits. And we don't measure success by grades - I don't care so much about getting A's (although it's nice), rather it's whether they are understanding the material and integrating it into their knowledge base.

I don't think it's clear that the English class is too much for her. It may be too much for her if she uses her ingrained no-effort work habits. It sounds like this is the first time that she is truly being academically challenged. I wouldn't be surprised if the 4 hours of homework occur because she hasn't learned efficient work habits, how to focus on what is important in the assigned readings, etc. I think a little more investigation would help sort out the issues. Dropping the class seems premature.

[chiromamma]

Originally Posted by hergrace

I would actually work quite hard with her developing some study habits to keep up with the new courses. This is actually a very safe time for her to struggle a bit. As far as colleges are concerned, this is the least important period of her schooling. I wouldn't even think about it.

I would think about what she is learning. If she works hard and still has trouble keeping up, then she can scale back later, but she'll just be further behind if she tries to scale up later. And, if you find ways to reward her effort, she can learn a lot about the value of perseverance. If she moves to the regular classes, she is likely to learn that ease in life is more important than work and friends are more important than school. Those may be values that you are happy with her developing, but if they aren't, I would think very hard about letting her step down too without giving it a solid go first.

My perspective is as someone who was never challenged enough to develop work habits until after graduate school. I wish somebody had set expectations for me at some point that I really had to stretch to reach. I would have been incredibly frustrated at the time, but in retrospect, I believe that I failed to learn the most important practical lesson that school has to offer because I was never pushed.

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

Uh - I guess I just don't see that happiness and academic success need to be mutually exclusive. My kids have been pretty happy when they triumph over a challenge and achieve success - whether it's academic or in other pursuits. And we don't measure success by grades - I don't care so much about getting A's (although it's nice), rather it's whether they are understanding the material and integrating it into their knowledge base.

I don't think it's clear that the English class is too much for her. It may be too much for her if she uses her ingrained no-effort work habits. It sounds like this is the first time that she is truly being academically challenged. I wouldn't be surprised if the 4 hours of homework occur because she hasn't learned efficient work habits, how to focus on what is important in the assigned readings, etc. I think a little more investigation would help sort out the issues. Dropping the class seems premature.

Totally agreed.

To the OP, you say that the main problem is homework- she never has had to do homework, to study or put forth effort in her life. Well this is a serious problem that needs to be fixed! And it's your job to help her learn what good, effective study skills are and be supportive. Help her with the challenge, don't swoop in and remove her from the challenge. Be a pillar for her to lean on, don't enable her fears. Know now that she's going to struggle, feel pain, probably cry and be dramatic. And she will so appreciate it if you would hug her when she's crying and help her put limits on the drama. This IS a huge transition for her, so she needs her mom's support and encouragement.

Geeks and nerds in the Honors classes? So?? Define nerd. Tell her to open her mind and maybe she'll find that some of her new classmates are worthwhile people.

Seriously, this is a fantastic opportunity for her. This IS preparation for college. If you keep up a positive attitude and broadcast the impression that you think she can handle it, then she's much more likely to believe that herself.

[StillForest]

I agree with the numerous posters who have encouraged you to help her develop her study habits. It's still very early in the school year and her work may take far less than 4 hours a night after she masters some study skills. I think that it's wonderful that she's being challenged and has the opportunity to develop skills well before she hits her junior and senior years or college (speaking as one who cruised through till college and then had to learn how to study).

I also think that it's incredibly valuable for her to develop relationships with the "geeks" and "nerds" in her accelerated courses. Sounds like they've all just met since the school year must have just begun. It's very important to have peers who have high expectations, serious creative and intellectual interests, passion for learning, and solid/evolving study skills. They may not end up being best buddies---but it's important for bright children to know how to relate with bright peers. Otherwise she may feel uncomfortable with them later on.

I've also been astounded by the differences in content between the "accelerated" and "regular" high school courses in our district. The accelerated courses are far more rigorous and really give kids a foundation that those in the "regular" courses just do not receive. I have a now 18-year-old DSD who at one point tried to transition from regular math, where she was getting easy As, to accelerated math. She was completely unable to handle the work and had to remain in regular math. The gap between the two academic tracks seems to widen very quickly here. Very ironic for a district that prides itself on not tracking....if they choose it themselves it's not tracking????

[Violet2]

I was a gifted kid who fell flat on my face in High School. I moved and went from an easy easy HS to a really academic one. From a 3.8 gpa to 1.6. .01 point away from academic suspension.

It was a complete lack of study skills. I had never been challenged. I busted my ass and got my grades back up.

It was hard. It was painful, but it was something that really gave me a good skill set for college and the rest of my life. I took junior level college courses at 16 and would not have been able to do so if I had dropped out of the gifted classes--I needed those study skills.

There's hard and there's the kind of hard that requires work. Is your child shirking the work or is she really in over her head? Not everything in life will come so easily. It's good to learn how to slog through things. The rewards of doing so will be obvious to her once she's on the other side.

I also think this could be one of those things where she might eventually appreciate your pushing her and she may regret it if you do not. Although, my parents never pushed me, I pushed myself.

ETA: 4 hours of homework is alot, I rarely did that much in HS. So I would maybe look to see how efficient your child is at studying. She's on a learning curve right now and should get more efficient with time and experience.
HTH
V