It's better, and yet it's so much worse

[So-Called]

I've been against circumcision for a good ten years. My older two children are girls, and while I was and am thrilled with who they are, there was a part of me that cried inside every time someone else had a little boy. I couldn't understand why all these sweet baby boys kept going to the people who were planning to circ, while I had girls. I thought if I could save just one baby from being circumcised, I'd feel better. I knew that would only happen if I had my own. No one took my POV about circumcision seriously because I "only" had girls.

Well, I had my first son - my wonderful surprise - a few months ago. He's intact, of course. And I do feel better that there's one more intact boy in the world, that I was able to protect all of my children equally, and that maybe, just MAYBE, my experience with my son will save some other little boy(s) from a painful and unnecessary cosmetic surgery. I'm proud of the fact that we didn't alter our son for the sake of conformity, and I'm especially proud of DH for confronting some tough emotions in order to allow our son to grow up with his whole penis.

But ... I'm also finding that my reaction to any discussion of routine circ is a thousand times more violent and visceral than it used to be, because now it's personal. I want to scream when I look at my beautiful son and his normal, natural body and his sweet, trusting face and think of how everyone around us would have had us hand him over to be traumatized and injured just because he was born a properly-formed male. I feel like weeping when I think about all the other baby boys who weren't as lucky as he was.

Does this get better? I never expected to feel this way. I thought there would be some consolation in leaving my own son the way he was meant to be, and while it's there, it's totally overshadowed by the hurt, sadness, and rage I feel toward society in general right now.

[Marnica]

I hear you although my reaction is less pronounced. I feel bad when I hear about a baby boy being cirq'd but I also have similar views on other things. I feel terrible when I hear about a baby getting vaccinated, I feel terrible when I see an obese child getting McDonald's shoved in their mouth... There are so many situations that I feel parents routinely put their children in that are dangerous and unbeneficial, but I also know it is every parent's responsibility to research their choices and to make an informed choice.(which the vast majority do not)

I try to speak out when I can, but mainly have come to the clonclusion that I really only can worry about my own child and perhaps the children of those very close to me (and the children of other parents who are actually questioning things and SEEKING information). I have to let the rest go, otherwise I would be angry ALL THE TIME!! which is very bad for the immune system

[So-Called]

You're absolutely right - I know this isn't good for me, and I really need to get to a point where I can step back a bit to save my own sanity. I guess I just have some things to work through before I can get there. I just wasn't prepared to feel this way. Naive of me, I suppose.

I've always wondered if my own experience as a rape/assault survivor colored my feelings on this subject ... and, well, let's just say I'm thinking the answer must be yes.

[Oliver'sMom]

This is exactly how I felt after ds was born. It was so heartbreaking to me to hear of baby boys going under the knife...and it still is.

What really has helped me is becoming an "intactivist". I've joined my local NOCIRC chapter and regularly give anti-circ presentations at various child-birth classes offered in my town. I leave pamphlets of information wherever I can, and I generally find every opportunity to bring up the issue to people around me.

I have no idea how many baby boys I've saved from circ, if any, but it helps me sleep a bit better at night knowing that I've at least done all that I can to spread the word.

[BlessedMommy2006]

Yep, I know exactly what you mean. My first baby was a girl and if she was a boy, I wouldn't have circ'ed her. I was thrilled to have a boy as my 2nd baby so that I could add to the intact population (and because I really wanted a boy), but looking at his sweet innocent trusting face has made the issue more concrete.

It just makes the procedure all the more horrifying when I imagine someone doing that to MY baby!

Hugs to you mama.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I feel the same way. Been anti circ since I first heard the word back in my teens. Only knowing that something was cut off the penis. Then I got the internet when dd was about 1.5y but still didnt really look into it until my ds was born and I had questions about intact care. Just the thought of someone doing that to him makes me more than angry and it hurts me worse now when others have boys than it did before he was born.

[purplestraws]

I felt VERY similarly after my first son was born. I hadn't REALLY researched circumcision before he was born...we just knew that we wouldn't do it. Once I really began to research it...I began to get VERY angry and upset. It WAS personal now. People were saying that my son could be "improved upon" and it made me angry. He was perfect! And it made me so mad for other little boys that their parents didn't love them the way they came. (And...I have to add too that...my anger was usually only directed at those that were "proud" of circumcising. I usually just pity those that are uninformed.)

I've kind of gotten over it a little. I mean, I still get pretty upset sometimes...but usually only when I relive those conversations/feelings from soon after I had my first son.

We just had our second son...and when my husband was looking at the nurse's board in the nursery...we were the only ones who had "refuse" under the circ category. Now it just makes me sad...sad that that was going on in the next room...and sad that those little boys' parents didn't know any better. We live in a VERY high circ area where it's just done without even thinking about it. Surprisingly though, one of the pediatricians that saw him said that he was glad to hear that we weren't circing and that both his son and grandson are intact. He called it "cruel"...and I wanted to ask him why in the world he performed them if he felt that way about it.

Anyways...you're not alone in your feelings...and I think that eventually, you'll start to cool down a little. I HAD to learn to let go because it was seriously affecting my life in a negative way.

[Fyrestorm]

Wow...I guess I'm fortunate that I only have a girl...I can't imagine being angier...or sadder...or more outraged about this than I already am....

[PuppyFluffer]

I can't comment now but I have some things to add to this when I have more time.

[So-Called]

Wow. Well, at least I know I'm not alone. I could relate to so much of what you all wrote, especially this:

Originally Posted by purplestraws

People were saying that my son could be "improved upon" and it made me angry. He was perfect! And it made me so mad for other little boys that their parents didn't love them the way they came. (And...I have to add too that...my anger was usually only directed at those that were "proud" of circumcising. I usually just pity those that are uninformed.)

I can't help being bothered that there are people out there (LOTS of them) who think my son needs to be "fixed". There's nothing wrong with him. The problem is with the general mindset here, not with my son's body. But knowing that doesn't help much when I hear about another little boy going under the knife. I wonder sometimes if that bothers me in part because my DH is circ'ed, and my DS looks just like him as a baby.

We were also the only ones in the hospital who declined circumcision. My room was right by the nurses' station, and I could hear them saying that I'd said no, but everyone else wanted it done, then rounding up all the babies and rolling them in their little buckets down the hall. I had a knot in my throat the whole time.

I don't know how high exactly the circ rate is here (Medicaid doesn't cover it in my state), but I got the distinct impression that the nurses couldn't understand why we weren't doing it since we had private insurance. : At least the peds never said a word about it and didn't fiddle with his penis at all, and one of the midwives I saw actually seemed pleased.

Fyrestorm, I think the part I'm struggling with the worst now is that I thought having a son of my own would salve some of the intense outrage I was feeling because I'd know that I'd at least managed to save one boy. Like you, I didn't think it could get worse.

Thanks, everyone, for listening and responding to my vent. I think (hope) I'll get to a place where I can let some of this go. Reading the garbage about the CDC and AAP isn't helping much right now, though. I want to find some balance and get to a point where I can be more open about my activism without letting the negative emotions consume me.

[Quirky]

It's hard. For me the anger and rage come and go in waves. For example I'm pretty much over my anger at my BIL and SIL for circing their two sons....I just have had to move on and we see them so infrequently I don't have a hard time letting it go. When our pregnancies overlapped I was very sad that I was getting the girls and they were getting the boys though as I would have loved to have some more guaranteed saves.

But then my anger gets churned up by this (censored) (censored again) (really having a hard time censoring myself) CDC *cough* NONSENSE and I'm up late at night, waking up early, and just raging.

All you can do is what you can do. I sent as big a donation to Intact America as I could afford. I continue to advocate online, and in person wherever I can. I've had some great saves, and those help tide me over during the angry times. I take great comfort in getting support from this board and another one where there are like-minded people who realize that it's the CDC who's crazy, not us.

I am happy and proud every day that my 7 year old son is healthy and WHOLE. I certainly wish I could change some things (for ex. it would be great if he would listen the first time... ) but his penis is not one of those things.

And if I have to, I plug into an audiobook and focus on a videogame on my iPhone at the same time, to quiet down my brain and numb myself to sleep.

[MyBoysBlue]

Originally Posted by Quirky

And if I have to, I plug into an audiobook and focus on a videogame on my iPhone at the same time, to quiet down my brain and numb myself to sleep.

Wow I'm not the only one who does this. If I have read something particularly disturbing hear on CAS or the Vax forum or even sometimes the birth forums I will do the same thing and play sudoku on my phone or listen to an audio book until I can't keep my eyes open. If I don't I work myself up and I can't sleep.

[So-Called]

Originally Posted by Quirky

And if I have to, I plug into an audiobook and focus on a videogame on my iPhone at the same time, to quiet down my brain and numb myself to sleep.

BTDT. At 5 this morning, in fact. I never did get back to sleep.

What I can't get over is, why is this even an issue? Why do all these baby boys have to suffer? Why do so many men have to feel violated? Why do we all lie awake at night? Because people want to advocate for or have the right to cut healthy pieces of flesh off of perfectly normal newborn babies. The absurdity of it boggles my mind.

[Fellow Traveler]

Originally Posted by So-Called

BTDT. At 5 this morning, in fact. I never did get back to sleep.

What I can't get over is, why is this even an issue? Why do all these baby boys have to suffer? Why do so many men have to feel violated? Why do we all lie awake at night? Because people want to advocate for or have the right to cut healthy pieces of flesh off of perfectly normal newborn babies. The absurdity of it boggles my mind.

Because your all very thoughtful people, that's why.

[THBVsMommy]

I definitely understand how you feel. My friend was pregnant recently and I wanted so badly for her to have a girl because I knew she would have him circumcised. My wants weren't granted and she had a boy who was, indeed, cut It hurts my heart because I did all I could to educate her. She was so confused on what to do because at first her husband wanted to leave him intact because he "thought" he was, too. For 27 years he believed he was intact, but didn't have the guts to talk to his parents about it until he was finally about to be a father himself. A few mos before their son was born he asked his parents why they chose to keep him intact and they replied "You're not. You're circumcised". Oh? Turns out he had a botched circumcision and just appears to have a foreskin. And OF COURSE now that Daddy knew he was cut, so shall his son be. Forget all the times he and I rallied together against his wife/my friend because we stood firm in our stance on intactivism. It really, truly breaks my heart.