Missed Opportunity or Chance to Parent Better

[foehnjye]

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[NiteNicole]

I think it's always best to be truthful. I don't understand the logic of not telling your daughter that you saw her hiding shoes (I understand not telling her in the moment, and not thinking on your feet fast enough to "help" the shoes get found or ask your daughter if she hadn't put them over there, out of the way or something) - yes, she might be embarassed but that's a reasonable reaction when you take someone's shoes.

If I were you I'd just say something like, "I saw you take a pair of shoes off to *wherever she put them* today. Do you think those are the shoes the girl is looking for?" and go from there. I wouldn't ask her anything else that forces her into a lie, but I'd let her know I saw her with shoes, I know shoes are missing...and let her connect the dots. Then thet two of you can decide how to give the girls shoes back.

While it would be nice to understand why she took someone else's shoes, someone is now without shoes. The bigger concern is that they get their shoes back, and then you and your daughter could work out why she wanted to take someone else's shoes.

[gsd1amommy]

You knew when the little girl came asking if anyone had seen her friend's flip-flops that your daughter had taken them and hidden them. Your daughter knew that you knew. So, your daughter took a little girl's shoes, hid them and while this little girl is looking for her shoes, you, knowing full well that your daughter would know where she hid the shoes, worried only that your daughter would explode or melt down if you asked her where the shoes were or to go get the shoes and give them back.

Despite the fact that you knew the little girl was missing her shoes, you took your daughter home (I am assuming your daughter was fortunate enough to leave with some shoes on her feet)and over an approximately a 12 hour span of time, you gave her 3 or 4 opportunities to reveal, on her own, that she took the shoes. You know all along that she is guilty of this yet your fear of her feeling guilty (she is) of taking something (she did) prevents you from confronting her with the fact thatt she took something that didn't belong to her and hid it so its rightful owner could not have it back.

And because you think your daughter might feel a lack of control in areas of her life and that she is super-frustrated, you have been complicit in her taking, concealing and not revealing the whereabouts of someone else's personal property. The way you make this right is by acting like a decent, honest person and telling your daughter you know she took the shoes and that you saw her hiding them. You tell her that it was wrong of you to not make her go get the shoes and give them back.

You also need to both figure out a way to make it right with the little girl that you both wronged. Go back to the playground, with your daughter, and check the hiding place to see if the flip-flops were found. If they are still in the hiding place where your daughter left them, they need to be returned, by your daughter and some sort of apology given to the girl they were taken from.

[foehnjye]

Thanks to those who offered some helpful tips.

[BetsyNY]

Hmmm...well, from here it seems that your fear of setting your daughter off has become the dominant consideration in your life with her. Totally understandable--we've had some pretty rocky times recently in that same vein--but it's detrimental to you, her and those around you to operate from that vantage point. I don't know what ROCROS is, but I'd think that in the future, more transparency would be key. "Hey, do you know where the shoes are?" No accusations. No intimations of guilt. Simple. To the point. If she explodes, she explodes and you'll deal with it.

[Momily]

One thing that I wonder is what impact knowing that adults don't help children in need, or children who are being bullied (because hiding someone's shoes might be a game, but hiding them, and not telling where they are before you go home is bullying, especially when it occurs in a group) can't turn to adults for help. You seemed to have avoided a meltdown, and you may or may not have reinforced this particular behavior (it sounds like she knew enough to feel guilty, which is great). However, there's no doubt in my mind that you've reinforced her anxiety about school. As a teacher of children that age, I know that when they do something they shouldn't do, especially something that hurts another child, they're torn. They don't want to be caught but they do want to know that they spend time in a place where adults don't let children get hurt.

If she were my child, and I had made this mistake, I'd own it to my child. I'd find some time to sit her down and say "Remember when we were at the park, and Suzie was looking for her shoes. I made a wrong choice. I had some information about where J's shoes were, because I'd seen you carrying them around. I should have asked you right then and there were they were, and if you didn't know or if they'd been moved since you took them, I should have helped her look. In our family that's what we do. We believe in being honest, and I wasn't honest. We also believe in helping other people who are sad or in trouble."

Then I'd share the fact that I spoke to another parent, and that the other parent and the other kids had helped the child. I'd talk about the fact that I had been feeling guilty, and then felt relieved to know that J had been taken care of. Finally, I'd say that I had promised myself that next time I would be one of the people who helped. That I'd be one of the people who told the truth and helped.

Hopefully, this would lead to your daughter a) learning that in the future if she forgets and does something like this she should own it and help fix the problem -- that that will lead to her feeling better. b) Realize that there are adults who help children in her school community, and that in the future her mom will be one of them. and c) Realize that when people make mistakes, and feel bad about those mistakes, they can help undo those mistakes by making a plan for the future and a commitment to doing better in the future.

Good luck!

[LynnS6]

"Hey, didn't I see you carrying a pair of shoes? I wonder if those could be the missing pair of shoes. Do you remember where you put them?" That's not accusatory, it's descriptive. That's the tack that I take with my kids when situations like this arise. Mostly in our house it's random toys that appear (from the neighbors).

[savithny]

Originally Posted by gsd1amommy

Despite the fact that you knew the little girl was missing her shoes, you took your daughter home (I am assuming your daughter was fortunate enough to leave with some shoes on her feet)and over an approximately a 12 hour span of time, you gave her 3 or 4 opportunities to reveal, on her own, that she took the shoes. You know all along that she is guilty of this yet your fear of her feeling guilty (she is) of taking something (she did) prevents you from confronting her with the fact thatt she took something that didn't belong to her and hid it so its rightful owner could not have it back.

And because you think your daughter might feel a lack of control in areas of her life and that she is super-frustrated, you have been complicit in her taking, concealing and not revealing the whereabouts of someone else's personal property. The way you make this right is by acting like a decent, honest person and telling your daughter you know she took the shoes and that you saw her hiding them. You tell her that it was wrong of you to not make her go get the shoes and give them back.

You also need to both figure out a way to make it right with the little girl that you both wronged. Go back to the playground, with your daughter, and check the hiding place to see if the flip-flops were found. If they are still in the hiding place where your daughter left them, they need to be returned, by your daughter and some sort of apology given to the girl they were taken from.

You know, I was thinking about this.

Even though it turns out it was a game, you did not know that.

Which means that as it stood when you went home, you left the playground with a little girl searching for her shoes, who might have had to go home to *her* parents and explain that she'd lost them.

As far as you knew, when you left the playground, you were condeming that little girl to go and face the same reaction you got when you were a girl and lost your shoes.

We're working on keeping track of shoes, coats, boots, with my 9yo and 6yo. If they come home without shoes, I'm not going to punish, but I'm going to express my concern and tell them that I expect them to keep track of their clothing. We cannot afford to keep replacing shoes and coats over and over, so this is something we're working on VERY hard.

To keep your child from having a meltdown, you were willing to let another child think their shoes were lost? Gentle discipline isn't just about parent and child - effects on other people HAVE to be considered too.

[Marylizah]

Originally Posted by savithny

You know, I was thinking about this.

Even though it turns out it was a game, you did not know that.

Which means that as it stood when you went home, you left the playground with a little girl searching for her shoes, who might have had to go home to *her* parents and explain that she'd lost them.

As far as you knew, when you left the playground, you were condeming that little girl to go and face the same reaction you got when you were a girl and lost your shoes.

We're working on keeping track of shoes, coats, boots, with my 9yo and 6yo. If they come home without shoes, I'm not going to punish, but I'm going to express my concern and tell them that I expect them to keep track of their clothing. We cannot afford to keep replacing shoes and coats over and over, so this is something we're working on VERY hard.

To keep your child from having a meltdown, you were willing to let another child think their shoes were lost? Gentle discipline isn't just about parent and child - affects on other people HAVE to be considered too.

A big old YEAH THAT to the PP.

This thread has been bugging me all day, and I finally figured out that it's because you put your daughter's "need" (for lack of a better word) not to have a meltdown or feel attacked over another child's very real need to find her shoes. While you didn't know it was a game, you *did* know your daughter was involved, and I think your total lack of empathy for the other child's situation is the real problem here. How would you have felt if it had been your daughter, it hadn't been a game and another adult knew her child was involved AND DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help your kid? I would have been furious.

I do think you need to talk this over with your child. And in a future situation there are many, many non-accusatory ways to find out what your child has done without making your kid feel worse than necessary.

Sorry, I really am not trying to be harsh with you, I'm just so surprised that an adult and a parent would have so little empathy for the other child in this situation.