Need help with defiance in a 4yo.

[minkajane]

We just moved, which I'm sure has a lot to do with DS's attitude lately. I'm trying to help him talk about his frustration with the change and being freaked out by the new surroundings and everything, but it's not helping much. He's being very defiant, argumentative, and even physically resistant. This morning, I told him several times to get dressed (which he's been doing for over a year completely independently) and he kept saying "I AM getting dressed!" or "I was gonna!" but never actually getting dressed. I got frustrated and walked him to his room (as he held on to door jambs and kept trying to run back to the living room), picked out clothes for him, and told him to get dressed or I would get him dressed. At this point, he got mad because he didn't like the shirt I picked out and kept trying to stop me from putting it on him. Once I got it on, he kept trying to yank it off until I threatened to cut up his favorite shirt if he didn't stop (admittedly not the best strategy).

I'm getting so frustrated with DS screaming no, fighting when I try to get him to do something, and having the attitude of a 14-year-old. I'm yelling, which I know I shouldn't do, and physically holding him in time-out or bed when he keeps trying to get out. I found a tip online that we're trying - we set up a "cool-down spot" in his room. It's a chair with a blanket, pillow, teddy bear, and book, where he can go calm down and relax if he gets worked up. We're also going to stop physically restraining him in time-out or bed, but warning him what will happen if he leaves and following through on the warning. Plus continuing to try and talk him through the difficult feelings from the move. What else can we do?

[pumpkinseed]

:
I am looking for ideas as well-we are not in the middle of a move-but have an extremely defiant 4 yo-and was brought to tears yesterday and today.

[AidansMommy1012]

I am frequently at my limit with my four, soon to be five, year old. Happily, it seems to be an age thing, looks like! I'll be watching this thread, sometimes I'm just completely at a loss with him!

[MommytoB]

My boy is 5 and believe me it gets worse . It's like for some reason they don't want to listen to us and many kids say I don't hear you , i'm not listening.

My boy after his first 5 yr old b-day party at the lake and we were leaving the playground because it was starting to storm.

So I said Brendan Stop and wait for mom so he doesn't listen continues to head off so grandma asks are you listening to your mom ? He says No I'm not listening to mom because my ears are blocked.

So believe me I will be looking here for some ideas because I'm getting tired of the Duh Mom and I'm not hearing you mom .

[sewcool]

Originally Posted by MommytoB

My boy is 5 and believe me it gets worse .

ok so im glad my 4 year old is not the only one makes me feel a little better but knowing or hearing that it gets worse....well that is upsetting

[hopefulfaith]

I just wanted to throw out there that everyone is telling me that four is the hardest age (developing their own will PLUS the physical ability to carry out that will) ... but that five can be easier, as they're a little more rational. I keep hearing: "terrific twos, trying threes, terrible fours, fantastic fives".

My son has been four for only a few weeks. I asked my friend what the best advice she had for age four...because I am not sure my son is going to live till five ... and the only thing she could tell me was not to keep too much alcohol in the house at one time.

I find that I am frequenting the GD forum a lot more these last few weeks.... My daughter is nearly three and my son is four. I want to thrive, not just survive!!!

...although some days, I'd take simple survival. Four is hard so far.

[momma_unlimited]

I have a four yr old and I feel things have been getting much better lately. He feels more cooperative when I give him plenty of attention (physical closeness, doing something he enjoys with him every day, listening and asking questions). I've really taken to heart a bit of advice I read in his Pre-K curriculum- "Whenever we take an immovable stance, we actually force our children to take the opposite stance, for nature always seeks a balance in everything". I have noticed how antagonistic he becomes when I am rigid or extremely authoritative sounding. He responds well when we are connected and I am unwavering, but lighthearted, playful, and on his side- "how can I help you accomplish this instead of how can I force you to accomplish this". I think the whole mentality of "my child is defiant", while perhaps true, is unhelpful because it puts him, in your thoughts, in a stance of opposition to you; you feel frustrated and upset and this limits your ability to see things as your child sees them, which is the key to helping them learn appropriate responses to your instructions.

[mom2grrls]

I have noticed how antagonistic he becomes when I am rigid or extremely authoritative sounding. He responds well when we are connected and I am unwavering, but lighthearted, playful, and on his side- "how can I help you accomplish this instead of how can I force you to accomplish this". I think the whole mentality of "my child is defiant", while perhaps true, is unhelpful because it puts him, in your thoughts, in a stance of opposition to you; you feel frustrated and upset and this limits your ability to see things as your child sees them, which is the key to helping them learn appropriate responses to your instructions. >>>>>

Yes
Was it important that your son got dressed right away that morning? If not why insist he must be dressed? If there are places you must be in the morning see if it would be easier for him to pick an outfit the night before or put on his shirt first then do something else then come back to the bottoms. Taking away time outs and restraint sounds good and you may want to perhaps look at how you are talking to your son also. Are there a lot of commands toward him? saying no? Four was a rough age for my son but when they feel like they have some control over themselves and feel lots of unconditional love, it makes things a little easier

[meemee]

i have noticed most of dd's defiance behav. is really more of a reflection of what i am going thru.

if i am frustrated, and mad she picks up on it.

the move has i am sure been hard on you too.

many a times my dd has said 'stop shouting at me. just say it nicely and i will do it.' i wasnt shouting or yelling. however my tone of voice in the request was not kind. and she picked up on that.

plus 4 really is ALL about autonomy. giving them choices. not too many but limited.

you know what was interesting is that i discovered it wasnt my dd who wanted a cool down space. I did. isnt that funny. seriously. just going to my own happy place for just a moment and doing some deep breathing REALLY REALLY helped me.

what that gives me is perspective. i am able to get out of the poor me place and truly be able to be there for my dd. she is not being defiant or argumentative to be mean to me. she is just trying to express herself.

it really works like magic. i cool down. i get perspective. my attitude and body language changes. and it directly affects my dd and calms her down.

i know its frustrating. remember its equally if not more frustrating for your ds.

and the sad part... that 14 year mark is not too far away.

what you can do is allow him the space to express his feelings. and emotions. in general they need it more at that age.

a good way to get out frustration is physical time. outside running around. if you find you havent been doing much outside activity your answer might lie right there.

just like for us - the gym is a good medicine for depression and frustration. its true for our kids too. except its the park or a good long walk.