one year old coming out of her shell ...

[nj's_mom]

DD just turned one and is beginning to be, for once, a bit of a handful. She has always been super duper lovey and easy and she still is, she is amazing and cuddly and everything good and sweet. But she is starting to be very insistant about her own way ... whine about things ... and scream and cry (I think of them as mini fits) when she can't have them. I try to say "yes" as much as possible, but some things (chokables, stairs, etc) I just can't.

She finally got the hang of walking yesterday, and now is determined to walk and crawl everywhere. Including in public. I am trying to keep her in the shopping cart as much as I can when I have to go out because otherwise she is wanting to crawl on dirty floors or screams and fights me when I try to gently hold her. I understand- she is just exploring- and she can't understand the notion of dirty floors.

She has always been super laid back and easy for me- in public I got the "oh, she's so content! what an easy baby! so happy! you're so lucky!" and I will admit I patted myself on the back a little for her happiness. but my little girl is beginning to form a mind of her own, and it's taking me slightly off gaurd!

how to deal with this completely normal, developmental stage? I feel like she's too young for "discipline", gentle or not. she simply doesn't understand, and when she's worked up, screaming or yelling, she isn't in the mindset to listen. I try to be as patient, gentle, and kind as possible, giving her as much leeway as I can but being firm about the things that matter. I worry I'm setting her up for a wild toddlerhood by not setting enough limits- my aunt was very harsh with her son at this age (still is) and I don'tagree w/ that at all, but I worry I may be making a mistake in going in the other direction completely!

[txmommy83]

I think it's just a difficult time, and all you can do is let her know consistantly what is and isn't acceptable...the fits are going to happen, and all you can do is your part by helping her to learn and understand what is expected of her. I think you are on the right track by being firm on the things that matter, but giving her lots of leeway too, she is only 1 and needs to explore and test limits, you just need to guide her for her own health and safety at this point I think. I am going through the same thing with my 10 month old right now, and get sooo tired of my DH saying NO all the time and expecting her to listen. But that's another story! I think you aren't making a mistake at all!

[LynnS6]

For things that really matter, set your limit and then offer sympathetic comfort when she throws the fit. When your baby changes into a toddler, your job as a parent changes too. It changes from preventing crying (by meeting her needs) to helping her learn to deal with frustration and other powerful emotions. She can't learn to deal with those if she never experiences them!

In addition, you should strive to set up an environment that minimizes battles. I'm not that concerned about dirt and germs. In fact, I'm of the opinion that some dirt and germs are good for kids. I let my kids crawl and explore in a lot of places unless there was clearly something dangerous (e.g., dog poop on the lawn, broken glass, cigarette butts).

You may smile at me and say "no WAY am I going to let my kid do that!" That's fine. But then I'd change where I go until she's out of this phase. Once she's a confident walker, she'll be on your feet and you don't have to worry about the floors so much. So, you've got 6+ weeks of not taking her to the places that cause the most headaches if you can possibly avoid it.

[nj's_mom]

Thank you both ...

txmommy, I think that's a very good point. so far it has been mostly about meeting her needs and anticipating issues in order to save her from frusteration/anxiety/etc. and I've done a very good job of that. to do that I've employed methods I considered acceptable- which has been AP. I've gotten some flak for that from DH's family, from the general public, friends, etc, but I kept my head held high and thought what I was doing was the "right" thing for DD- was contributing to her happiness and health. I think I am afraid, deep down, that by striving to keep her happy so much I did the wrong thing and set myself up for a "wild child" ... that if I had "listened" and followed maintstream methods, I would have a "good child." now I know that is all baloney. there is no such thing as a good or bad child, all children have their ups and downs and are intricate in their personalities. I just I just, selfishly, don't want to seem a failure when I was so confident I was making good choices for DD.

Lynn, those are really great points as well. Last night in the restaurant I was sharing food with DD and she wanted my big metal fork- I looked for a spoon to give her but there was none- so I quietly explained to her that the fork was sharp and she couldn't have it. (I know she probably can't grasp that but I like to give her the benefit of the doubt.) and she was very frusterated and upset (and tired) and decided to scream and cry as if I had just told her there would be no more boobies ever again so I rubbed her back and talked soothingly to her- I didn't just pick her up and sit her on my lap which would have solved the problem most likely instantly but not, I didn't feel, to anyone's benefit- and in a moment which felt like forever the looked at me and smiled and reached for a peice of green pepper and ate it.

but in that moment we were "those people with the screaming baby". which was a first for me, at least!