What Really Works???

[BeingMe]

I have a 3 year old who most of the time is great. However, she likes to push things at times and I have resorted to counting to 5 and if I get to 5 something unpleasant will happen. For instance I tell her to put her toys away and she says no, I then inform her that if she doesn't put her toys away it means she has too many and I need to donate them to children who don't have toys, and inform her if I get to 5 I will give some away.
This wasn't the way I had planned to discipline her, but it grew out of desperation. I'm not a big fan out time outs because: 1. I can't make her stay there without 100 return trips or locking her in the room which I don't want to do, and 2. It doesn't seem to be working for our prison system so what makes me think it will work for my child. I was often sent to my room as a child and all I did was screw around, and really didn't think about what I did.
I once witnessed a friend of friend who's kids just came into town after a 8 hour car drive. They hadn't brushed their teeth yet, but we already getting cozy hanging out with everyone at a birthday party, when their mom politely asked them to go brush their teeth and off they went with no whining or but's. They seemed to really respect their mom and were happy to do what she had asked...that's what I want(I should've asked her at the time what she did).
So honestly, what works. What gets the best results and has the best impact on our children? Meaning what doesn't reduce who they are, but gets them to listen without arguing or a long conversation? Please pass on your wisdom, especially you mama's that have many children and are able to go anywhere without worry they will act up.

[jewelsJZ]

Well, I'm not sure what works best either. We've tried a lot of things. My 3 y.o. dd doesn't listen at times and does not respond to time out either. Lately, what I've been doing is giving her a couple of opportunities to comply, then doing it for her. Like she just had the box of cereal out, but she'd already eaten a big bowl of oatmeal, so I told her to please put the cereal back in the pantry, she can have it later for a snack if she wants. She kept shaking it, the top was open. I asked her for it so I could close the top and she gave it to me but then kept reopening it. So I said, "Dd, do you want to put the cereal in the pantry or do you want Mommy to do it?" She screamed no, she wanted to keep it out on the table. So I just picked it up and put it away. Screaming fit ensued. Whatever. I calmly told her that she could have it later and went back to what I was doing.
This is different than in the past where I would've counted to three and threatened time out. She would not have stayed in time out.
Also, with picking up of the toys, I think three may be a bit young, depending on the child. My now 5 y.o. ds still needed us picking up with him at 3 but now he does it easily, willingly and sometimes without being asked!
How old were your friends' kids? Maybe you could call and talk to her about what works for her. I have a friend whose parenting skills I very much admire and I have asked her a few times how she handles certain scenarios with her kids. It is tremendously helpful.

[mamazee]

I don't think anything works quickly. Kids behave differently when not at home. They might have been embarrassed about their breath or something.

My daughter is 7 and I can take her anywhere without her acting up. But at 3? NOPE. She was a holy terror. At 5? Generally but we still had our moments. She still is a wild girl, but she seems to be able to channel her abundance of energy more appropriately now.

[One_Girl]

I would just help dd put her toys away when she was this age. I still help her sometimes when the mess is overwhelming, especially if I have also been playing with her even a little bit. I want dd to see being helpful as a good thing so I model that to her. There are times when I do need her to help out doing something around the house to and I would hate for her to tell me it is my mess so my problem.

I used to count to 10, it helped give me time to think about what I was going to do next. I didn't do something horrible if I reached 10 I just helped dd to do what I asked her to do whether it was putting on her shoes, coming inside, or cleaning up a mess. Counting helped me to relax and view things more rationally not to reach a hideous punishment that I wouldn't really follow through with. If counting is making you come up with mean punishments then I think you should try breathing deeply five times before you address an issue rather than counting to five.

[sebandg'smama]

While no philosophy is perfect, I have found that when I am parenting intentionally, not just reacting to the situation, I am calmer and my kids respond better (note I used better not perfect obedience!).

So for me I have made a conscious decision to not use rewards or punishments. So no threats either. I try to state my expectations (making sure they are developmentally appropriate for MY child) and show them respect and usually they respect me as well.

In the example you gave, perhaps she does have too many toys and you could put some away, rotate her toys. The other helpful tip I found was stay organized, that every toy has a proper bin/shelf, so that is easier to help your daughter put away her things.

[mom2grrls]

She sounds normal for 3 Honestly don't bother with the counting. Go to her, touch her gently to make sure she's looking at you and say "it's time to clean up toys" then proceed to help her get started. that pretty much works with most things you want her involved in but don't expect perfection all the time, just b/c those children did the brushing teeth with compliance doesn't mean they act that way all the time lol.

[ttachuk]

Originally Posted by sebandg'smama

While no philosophy is perfect, I have found that when I am parenting intentionally, not just reacting to the situation, I am calmer and my kids respond better (note I used better not perfect obedience!).

So for me I have made a conscious decision to not use rewards or punishments. So no threats either. I try to state my expectations (making sure they are developmentally appropriate for MY child) and show them respect and usually they respect me as well.

In the example you gave, perhaps she does have too many toys and you could put some away, rotate her toys. The other helpful tip I found was stay organized, that every toy has a proper bin/shelf, so that is easier to help your daughter put away her things.

I agree with this post. I find that my reaction to a misbehavior definitely sets the tone for what comes next. As far as what really works...I think it really depends on the child. Counting to 3 (followed by consequence) works really well for my 2 yo, but my 4 yo never responded to that. I just read a wonderful book called "Connected Parenting" and I am so impressed with it that I want to recommend it to everyone. It is basically letting your child know that you understand how they feel, but the way they are acting isn't appropriate. It really addresses the parent's role in a child's behavior and how to balance empathy/compassion with discipline.

For instance-

Mom: "It's time to clean up"
Kid: "No" or ignores mom
Mom: "You are having so much fun with your toys. I know it's hard to stop playing, especially when you seem to be having a really fun time with that doll. Look how pretty you dressed her up. But the problem is that you have to clean up your toys before we ______ . If you don't clean up your toys now I will have to put your doll away until tomorrow"

Then I try to change the request from being something they have to do to something fun or challenging. Like can they pick up all the toys before I sing the ABCs and I try to make things fun and goofy (if appropriate).

We use time outs as a consequence for some "extreme" behaviors...hitting, pushing, slamming doors (yes, I have a very explosive DD) more to difuse the aggression (ie. cool down) than for the kids to think about what they did. But more often than not we try to use natural consequences...throw the toy, toy taken away. Misbehaving at library, go home without books. Or for DD we use removal of privilages (she has just started understanding this at the age of 4). She loves tv so we often use that as her currency.

Good luck

[ashleedio]

What worked well with my dss at that age was to say, "Okay, it's time to clean up our toys. Can you pick up all of the blocks while I pick up all of the cars?" Or something to that extent. Also, making a game out of it - "I bet I can get all those blocks back into the bag faster than you can!" was typically a big hit. Yes, that meant I was helping him clean, but at 3, a mess can be overwhelming and picking specific tasks to do (ie - pick up the blocks. pick up the cars. pick up the dolls, etc) seems to make it seem more manageable to a little one.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by ashleedio

What worked well with my dss at that age was to say, "Okay, it's time to clean up our toys. Can you pick up all of the blocks while I pick up all of the cars?" Or something to that extent. Also, making a game out of it - "I bet I can get all those blocks back into the bag faster than you can!" was typically a big hit. Yes, that meant I was helping him clean, but at 3, a mess can be overwhelming and picking specific tasks to do (ie - pick up the blocks. pick up the cars. pick up the dolls, etc) seems to make it seem more manageable to a little one.

ITA - I think part of the problem is your expectations of what she can do at her age. I'm not saying she "can't" pick up her toys, but that just asking or telling her to is likely to get you into a jam. If it's really important to you that the toys be picked up, it's probably best to just tag-team it with her. And don't worry that her 3-year-old behavior is going to translate to her 8-year-old behavior. They go through a lot of changes in between!

[nina_yyc]

I don't have an answer to the big question here, but I think part of the equation is showing your DD that you expect her to succeed, rather than fail. There is something for me about the counting that tells me you're expecting DD not to listen to what you said the first time. If you DID expect her to listen and thought that she was trying to the best of her ability, how would you react? Is drawing the line in the sand working for you? You say your DD is generally well-behaved...what makes those other situations different?

I definitely don't think we should avoid confrontation at all times with our children, but for my DD (almost 3yo) she doesn't need an invitation to make everything a power struggle...she's more than happy to force a confrontation. I try to defuse things by giving her and 'out' - "What's the problem Libby? Are you still playing with these toys?" and then negotiating. I know you want to avoid long conversations about everything...so do I...but I think it's a bit of a process to get there.