Tell the truth, how did I handle this?

[Wild Lupine]

DD, DS and I went to a thrift store today. DD is 2 3/4 and played in the little play area the whole time. I was nearby, holding DS (12 mo.) in the sling, looking at stuff on the shelves near the play area. DD had a very good day until then, played with me happily all morning, had a good nap, and ate some tasty nutritious food right before we left.

I brought some clothes over for her to look at and asked if she liked them. She said no, so I said, I'll put them back, then it will be time for us to go. She responded in some pleasantish way, maybe she said OK, I know she heard that it was about time to go and gave me the impression she was alright with this. So I was unprepared for what happened next.

After putting the clothes back I kneeled down next to her and said, OK honey, it's time to go. She looked straight at me, yelled, NO at the top of her lungs and spit at me.

So I said 'we need to leave right now, I cannot allow you to talk like that or spit at people'. She went into full-fledged melt down mode, lying on the floor, screaming and thrashing, 'I want to stay here, I want to stay here.' I scooped her up, saying firmly (but not yelling) 'we need to leave now'. She tried to hit me and DS, so I turned her facing outwards and carried her out the door, her screaming and thrashing the whole way. (This was a crowded store, everyone was looking at us, and I was seriously mortified! To make matters more complicated, DD is very tall for her age and extremely verbal, most people think she's 4. I wanted to hold up a sign saying 'Two, she's just two, folks.')

I got her into the car and when she calmed down we talked about how she hadn't wanted to leave, why it wasn't OK to yell and spit, and what she could have said instead. When I felt she really 'got it' I asked if she wanted to try another thrift store. She said yes and we set some ground rules, no spitting and leaving quickly and quietly when I say it is time to go. We went to the second store and all went well.

This kind of thing happens about once or twice a week, more if she's hungry or tired, so we don't go out at those times.

Is this within the ream of normal two year old behavior? What would you more seasoned parents of toddlers have done in the face of such a sudden outburst?

[jewelsJZ]

Sounds like a normal 2 year old to me. My 3 y.o. dd is often unpredictable like that, too. Fine one minute and a screaming mess the next. I think if a child is being hurtful (like hitting and spitting) then it's okay to pick them up and remove them from the situation. That's my opinion. Or to pull them aside to a quieter place to talk to them.
I am trying not to worry about what others think. My 3 y.o. looks older so we get looks sometimes too and my 5 y.o. looks 5 but sometimes has outbursts in public that are embarrassing to me. I am trying to get past that, though, and just do what I need to do to help my kids in the moment. It's hard.
I like how you immediately gave her another opportunity to try again.

[Grace and Granola]

It sounds like you did great. Staying calm is the most important thing, and that's hard when someone spits on you! Really, don't worry about what others are thinking. Reasoning with a two year old at that point would have gone nowhere. Yes, it's normal, and yes, you did good mama!

[meemee]

you did good.

at that age my dd was v. much into pretent play.

she LOOOOOOOOVED being a puppy.

so i would have whipped out my imaginary leash and asked the puppy to go home. we have avoided SOOOO many outbursts by her crawling on all 4s out.

however when seh was tired or hungry and in the throes of a tantrum like that i would do what you did.

i also did not talk to her much about hitting. her hitting phase lasted off and on till 5. i would draw attention to it once in a while because i know they understand they do wrong. its more about impulse control. rather than focus on the wrongness of her actions i would focus on other appropriate ways of expressing anger, frustration. they need a physical release so i would show what was acceptable to me or not. after many repeatitions, it worked most of the time.

and yeah TOTALLY!!! typical two year behav.

[Wild Lupine]

Thanks for your replies, it is reassuring to hear confirmation that this is normal age-appropriate stuff. It is tempting to want the perfect solution that will end the melt-down, or think I should have curbed the spitting when angry by now, but I guess these things take time.

And thanks, Meemee for the suggestion about focusing on the impulse control, not the behaviors that result. That seems much more likely to be effective, since it is the root of the issue.

[rubidoux]

I think removing her to a calm place was exactly right. And I think it sounds totally normal.

[mama k nj]

Sounds pretty normal to me. All you can do is be consistant in your expectations and your reactions. I have had to carry out a kicking and screaming kid a few times. But generally, he seemed to learn a lot from those situations, and like your daughter, acted much more appropriately at the next juncture.

[lmkirche]

Originally Posted by meemee

at that age my dd was v. much into pretent play.
she LOOOOOOOOVED being a puppy.
so i would have whipped out my imaginary leash and asked the puppy to go home. we have avoided SOOOO many outbursts by her crawling on all 4s out.

I like this. Good thing to remember. Thanks