using time outs despite my best intentions not to - Page 2

[Deir]

Originally Posted by Enudely

just want to remind everyone that the purpose of this thread was really to try and come up with alternatives to time outs for severe misbehaviour..... not that I can think of anything, cause I can't!! Anyone?

sorry! should have read this before posting!!!

[Deir]

Originally Posted by Enudely

dd loves to make me mad! It's terrible, I know it's a phase, but it is really hard for me to see her being so mean, and on purpose! I know she's a good kid inside!
So we've got a new baby, he's now 6 months old, and she is normally very sweet to him.
Sometimes, however, if she's in a mood, she will smack him on the head, or hit me, or scream in sleeping baby's ear and it just makes me SO mad!
dd thinks it's great when I'm mad! She grins and feels so powerful!
SO, I wish I could keep my cool better, but half the time I end up grabbing her and putting her in her room and yelling "I need to keep that baby safe! You stay in here!"
Now, I've read all the research, punishment doesn't work, I don't want to damage my relationship with her , etc, but somehow "You look angry", use gentle touches" or "hitting is not o.k" don't seem like enough of a reaction. it is just SO not o.k, and I need to STOP the behavior
Sorry this is jumbled, I'm tired,
Any suggestions about what I should do instead of freaking out and throwing her in her room? I basically don't agree with isolating a child who is having strong emotions. My main strategy now is to try and stay on top of it, make sure she has snacks, and if I see her in that mood, get the baby on my back. But what about the times when I fail to do that?

wanted to add (sorry I could really condense things- I have early pg brain)

"freaking out and throwing her in her room" is totally different from calmly but firmly getting down on her level and saying, "You DO NOT hit the baby" and then having her sit for a period to cool off. I only say this from repeated times of freaking out when my kids were violent with eachother. it drives me INSANE!!! I turned to the calm timeout model after months of freaking out. I might be one of the minority here who believe in less talk of feelings and fewer but more concise firm words. 'We do not hit" or "you hit, you sit" Now- I still freak out sometimes but it doesn't work!!

[kreyno4]

I have also been so mad with my 3 yo dd that I put her in her room and close the door, holding it if necessary. Not only do I not like it, but it doesn't make a difference in her behavior, and it takes her a loooooooong time to calm down from even 1 minute of me doing that.

So I was happy to discover that it works better for me (or me + baby, usually) to leave the room, go somewhere else (even the bathroom), and close the door. I tell her that we cannot be around her when she isn't treating us safely and respectfully. She follows us and I definitely don't ignore her--I keep talking to her and telling her that we will come out when she calms down. She usually calms down and apologizes a lot more quickly. Overall the behavior has decreased substantially since I started doing this.

I think this works with my dd because she wants to be around us all the time. If your child isn't like that, it may not work so well for you! But my thinking is that instead of me doing something *to* her, I am doing something for myself and the baby--by removing us from the situation.

In general, a lot of what I have read and heard about 3-3.5 year olds is that it doesn't matter that much what you do because they are strengthening their will and they are just going to be difficult and freak out no matter what. That is, you cannot correct the behavior out of them. So just take breaks when you can. And try to take opportunities to connect with them whenever you can (hard, I know, when you have a baby).

Good luck!

[angelandmisha]

I don't have a 3yo or two kids(just one 2yo), but, what would happen if when she hits the baby you picked her up and hugged her and said something like, "Sweetie, when you hit the baby that tells me you need my attention. Are you feeling left out?" I know it must be really hard to see that when your baby is getting hurt, but since you asked for alternatives to time out, how about helping her understand/express what she's really feeling when she hits? Maybe she needs some special time alone with you to reconnect. You could provide that and also teach her how to ask you for some extra attention. Does it seem like that would work at all?

Maybe she needs to express/work through some jealous type feelings about her sibling. In Naomi Aldort's book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves she has some good advice about allowing a sibling(in private away from the other child) to express with mom or dad their bad/angry/jealous feelings and mom or dad hears that and doesn't judge or try to talk them out of it. It seems like being able to express those feelings and still be loved by mom and dad really was helpful for the kids in her examples. It's an overall really helpful book anyway, you might want to check it out.

Hope any of that helps. Good luck!

[Centura]

I always start reading a thread and have so much "to pitch in" and by the end of it, so many have already said what I was thinking LoL...

However, yes, Im having the same struggle with my 3.5 year old girl and my 11 month old boy, and it IS jeallousy, everything of his, she takes, every chance she gets, she will be rough on him, because she is insanely mad at him for just being here.

Ive tried every thing under the moon, and yeah, nothing so far has really worked. Right now Im in the "please just let it pass soon" mode.

I do some kind of "time out" too, but more as above mentioned about just separating them. If the two girls (the 3 and the 4 yo) fights, I just tell them they have to play in separate rooms until they are willing to play nice with eachother, and alternate who gets to be where so its not like "X always gets to be in there why cant I be in there".

When it comes to one sided "bad behavior" like hitting the baby, throwing things in anger, or other things I consider unacceptable, I don't tell them "time out" or "go to time out", we have a two step "stair" that leads up to a room we use as an office that is always closed, and its a very quiet and calm place in the house. I tell the "offender" that she just needs to go over there and think about it for a little while, sometimes they will quietly comply, and sometimes they go there and throw a tantrum, and I also tell them if they decide to be angry, or yelling and crying they can go to our "quiet" spot and rage all they want.

And I use it too, sometimes when Im angry and really feel like Im gonna blow a fuse, or I just want to cry, I tell them "mommy is very angry/upset/frustrated/sad and I am gonna go sit on the stairs for a while until I calm down" So they see me do the same thing, and I think that have helped them understand its not a "punishment" place, its a place you can go and be alone but still not being isolated from the rest of the family, and where you can express any feeling you want to. And I think part of why this works for us is that they can SEE me, or eachother, Im/they are not behind a door where they dont know whats going on behind it, or feel abandoned.

Maybe Im creating stigmas about not being allowed to show feelings "anywhere" but I really think that in real life, you really cant express everything you feel at all times, and I just try to teach them its ok, but everything has its place in life, both good feelings, happy feelings, and bad feelings. And some things, you just need to do in private.

The 4 year old was insanely cute the other week, when she got really mad when we were in the store, and she said: "Mommy, can we go to the car now" I asked her why? And she says "Im very angry, and I want to YELL but I dont want to hurt the ears of the people in the store"

And trust me, these things dont always work either, sometimes they dont want to be separated, or stop hitting, and it all is a big messy situation, I am only grateful that it helps part of the time...