is this normal

[musiclady]

PAK-

i know we are all busy now with our lo's and i would appreciate any help that you could offer.

i seem almost ready to cry at the drop of a hat. or i am extremely sensitive- defensive. feel lke DH and i don't get alomg, although i am lucid enough to realize that i'm the one who isn't behaving normally.

i've been back to work for a week and a half now. often times i work 12+ hours with marching band. i'm lucky to get in pumping 4 times a day (instead of the min. 6) and if i weren't taking domperidone, i think i'd have no milk at all. almost every time i give her formula, i feel like my body is broken. and that just brings up the whole early delivery thing...

tried to DTD last night but it was really bad timing. i was super tired earlier, took a nap and missed the window of time that she was actuaslly asleep. no one can handle a squaling baby as mood music. i was a little anxious about the whole event anyway. to be truthful, i wasn't really very interested. just too tired and feeling unattractive. we did end up snuggling on the couch which was nice.

anyway- i'm just frustrated. i don't feel depressed- i feel exhausted. often that makes me overly emotional. and i'm just hypersensitive. please, please tell me this is normal. i'm about to lose my mind (up in here, up in here) ha ha. seriously though, i just really don't feel like myself.

hormones? i feel less womanly than i probably should. i'm supposed to be some milk goddess. but she just refuses the breast. not enough milk and not fast enough. but i don't want to quit. it's an emotional issue for me.

[KJRSMR]

Hi mama,

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I think that it sounds normal considering what you have been through. I also feel completely drained. Unattractive, non-sexy etc... We have all been running on empty for 12+ weeks now. I am also an emotional wreck. I cry at the drop of a hat as you said. I don't think that it is depression but maybe sleep deprivation??? I am also batteling the formula guilt. I am nursing and pumping but sometimes cannot feed them both during the day as they are both getting way to heavy and my back is not well.. I guess if you are concerned you could always call your doctor.. Good luck and remember you are not alone..

[star715]

Hi Mama!

Keep your head up. You are doing the best you can and you can only do so much. I think what you are going through sounds normal and the fact that you are able to express it in written form and reach out to others for support show's how you are "STILL" doing the right thing.

As for the formula - don't feel less womanly. You are taking care of your baby the best way you can. Less womanly are those who abuse and hurt their children. You are giving your baby the best care possible and you are not taking the easy way out.

In my opinion, that makes you a phenomenal woman ... phenomenal woman that's YOU!

s

[PoppyMama]

Your journey with your dd started off rough and you've been a champ throughout. You are working extremely long hours on less sleep than you need and your hormones are wacked and you don't even get the benefit of feeding dd from the breast. I bow down to pumpers and I'm not sure I would extended exclusively pump given the situation. It's draining and added to the rest of the pile you have... I also suggest seeing your doctor in case some PP depression might be popping up. I also want to throw out there that if you decided that pumping was not worth the drain to you physically and emotionally that I would smack (gently of course) anyone who judged you for it. Maybe if you took that tax off your body reserves and hormonal balance you would be able enjoy your time with dd and dh more. The relationship is more important than the source of food at this point and imo of course.

[annekh23]

You do have a difficult situation, no question about it. Personally, I'd feel tired and irritable if I was working your schedule, let alone doing the pumping and mothering as well! Don't cut yourself up about using formula, remember that isn't necessarily a consequence of her prematurity, you'd still be working this schedule and it would still be challenging to provide milk for her in your absence, even if you were able to nurse the rest of the time. If you can find a good counsellor, you'd probably benefit from being able to talk through these issues.

[musiclady]

and of course, here i am on a better day, still PAK...

i have always figured that when it was time to transition to formula, i would "know." until that point, i refused to discuss the issue with those "well meaning" people (my mom) who tried to go out of her way to tell me how great i have done and that i should just go ahead and move on.... ugh. she never BF, so I know she doesn't get it. so many things just didn't go as planned that i think it's the one thing i really wanted to try to control.

well.. that's working well, huh? i just don't think that i should have to give up the hope of establishing that BF routine simply bc I went back to work. two truths: the BF is rocky anyway AND life would undoubtedly be easier w/o pumping. $70/mo for pump. only slightly less $$ than formula (which we are buying anyway).

i'm probably being selfish. and unrealistic. i don't know how i think i can pump on saturday competitions that last all day. and my head is literally begging for sudafed.

yes, functioning on too little sleep. thank God she sleeps thru the night. guess He figured anything less truly was more than we could handle. and being out in the hot SC sun is draining. started taking the prenatal vites again. figured i needed some defense against getting sick, tired, or run down.

i guess the whole bf/formula/quit or keep EP is a discussion DH and i will have soon. he is supportive of trying to make it work. he ordered me the dom. and i got several months worth- thinking if i could make it thru the season, we'd be ok... so what do i do with that? can't return it. not like i'm going to pilfer it on ebay....

but on a good note, we had an excellent rehearsal today. it was a very fulfilling work day. I needed that. and dh took me and lilah out for mexican. YUM! then a quick trip to WM and i got plenty of water for tomorrow. at least i didn't have some emotional crisis with buying formula.

today i pumped enough to keep her halfway thru the day. better than nothing.

anywho... thanks for ltting me vent. she is such a sweet little baby. when she smiles at me and coos, it just melts my heart. :

[phrogger]

First off, HUGE HUG to you. I don't know how you work with teens 12+ hours a day during marching season and NOT go insane. I only have one and I don't have to teach him and it is draining for me. I am president of the boosters and that is draining me enough to make sure we have the funds for our travels, and I have it EASY compared to the director, and he is a man (meaning he has no guilt or stress over an infant that he is trying to pump for etc.).

Anyway, my first piece of advice would be not to stop pumping until you are ready. I still regret stopping my pumping before I was truly ready and I only did it because things were tough. Just remember, one oz of BM in each bottle for her mixed with formula STILL gives her the benefits of BM in every bottle. Mix them if you aren't already. And maybe just plan on pumping enough to have 1 or 2 oz for each bottle. Give yourself the OK to be ok with reducing how much she gets, but still giving her some.

Second, I am just as overly emotional and feeling disconnected as well. I am not depressed, but I do think there is some sleep deprivation. Hey, you are very blessed she is sleeping through the night. Shane is up 3 and 4 times a night still. I do think being tired does make life so much more difficult.

Third, you are doing an awesome job, completely awesome job and being a mom is really hard, a lot harder on us physically, mentally, emotionally then we usually give ourselves credit for. You aren't alone and you aren't broken. You are just a mom that needs a nap. With that, when you are completely at peace for stopping the pumping, know you did a fantastic job. Look at our breast feeding rates, most people wouldn't even bother, but you did and will keep doing it till you are done. That shows a mom with SOOOO much devotion to doing what your child needs.

[musiclady]

Originally Posted by phrogger

Anyway, my first piece of advice would be not to stop pumping until you are ready. I still regret stopping my pumping before I was truly ready and I only did it because things were tough. Just remember, one oz of BM in each bottle for her mixed with formula STILL gives her the benefits of BM in every bottle. Mix them if you aren't already. And maybe just plan on pumping enough to have 1 or 2 oz for each bottle. Give yourself the OK to be ok with reducing how much she gets, but still giving her some.

.

do you just mix formula and then add breastmilk to it?

PAK, of course

[musiclady]

should have also added:

:yawning:

bc that's where i'm heading next.

[annekh23]

Originally Posted by musiclady

do you just mix formula and then add breastmilk to it?

Yep, that's exactly what you do. However, there is an arguement not to do it that way too, to avoid wasting any breastmilk. Say you have 2oz of milk and you mix it with 2oz of formula for a 4oz feed, then she only takes 3oz, you've wasted some breastmilk. Instead you can give the breastmilk first, then the formula. Or you can split it so certain times of day are formula and other are bm, basically, there are lots of ways to skin a cat!

[phrogger]

Yep, it was just added to the bottle, but like annekh23 said, there is debate over it. What was normally done was a 2 oz bottle was given with 1 oz of formula and 1 oz BM, then if the baby wanted more, add more. They always had defrosted milk in the fridge and just mixed the formula with hot water then when you added the cold BM it was the perfect temp. I had only pumped for 3 months and she ended up having bm in every bottle, even just a little for 7 months. By the end, she was getting 1 oz in a 5 oz bottle (4 formula 1 bm), but still, she got at least that much.

[Ianthe]

Do you qualify for WIC? They can either help you with a pump rental (free) or some formula (free). I think you can only get one or the other, though.

[phrogger]

Oh, I forgot to mention too, have you tried a hand pump? I used the avent isis and swear it worked better then the hospital grade pump. That might make it easier at work. If you have a cooler, I would just use the pump when you can take a 10 minute break to the restroom then throw the whole thing in the cooler (pump and all) then reuse it again. No long time getting the pump set up and cleaning it etc. You can just switch out bottles if it gets filled up.

And let me know if you want to give up your rental pump for just a plain pump in style. I have two.