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Concerns about Attachment Parenting - Page 3

post #41 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carter'sMummy View Post
I just have some questions about it, forgive me if i havent quite gotten the jist of it right.

But, im on board for it all..its just im wondering how you find the balance between having a dependant child on the parent, but also a independant thinker.

I supposed im thinking of people i know who were supported unconditionally by their parents,especially moms and they're not the most independant people i know by any means. Im concerned my son will turn out the same way, i dont want him to have the mama's boy stigma attatched to him, we can be close...but theres a fine line between a healthy and unhealthy mother-child relationship.

Also, im wondering about the "just let him cry" arguement. My cousin was recently visting with her 5 1/2 month old son, now when she put him down to sleep, he would cry for about 5-10 minutes and then stop. Is that right? I mean is that the best thing for him to become independant? Im just not sure where the line gets drawn, it makes sense for me to be able to be there for everything he needs, its my responsibility, but i dont want a mama's boy.
Hmmm...I wish my mother would have supported me unconditionally or allowed be to be dependent on her. Yes, I am an independant thinker...but to a fault. I find it hard to trust others and cannot ask for help. I hold everyone at arms length expecting that they will fail me.

So with my DS it will be different. If he is a "mama's boy" - so be it! I hope he always trusts that if falls/cries/needs encouragement (no matter what his age), his parents will love and support him. That is a life lesson that is far more important than anyone else's opinion of my parenting.
post #42 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I actually had to run to ds1's room a year and a half ago, when he was 15..... He doesn't need/want his mommy much these days, but I'll be there if he does, even in the middle of the night.
Last night I asked DS (who is 4) if he'll always want to cuddle with me. We made a fun little game of it: How about when you're 8? yes mommy - How about when you're 16? yes! - 32? yes! 59? YES! Every time we cuddle (which honestly is A LOT) I always cherish it because I know one day I'm going to get "Aw ma, I'm too big for that!" LOL
post #43 of 68
My first thought is "Why would anyone expect a 5 month old to be independent?" It's more for the parent's convenience than for the child's own good. I think you are asking for trouble when you try to force independence.
post #44 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shera971 View Post
Last night I asked DS (who is 4) if he'll always want to cuddle with me. We made a fun little game of it: How about when you're 8? yes mommy - How about when you're 16? yes! - 32? yes! 59? YES! Every time we cuddle (which honestly is A LOT) I always cherish it because I know one day I'm going to get "Aw ma, I'm too big for that!" LOL
My DS6 has told me on more than one occasion that he wants to live with dh and I forever. I told him that's just fine with us.

Yes, he could end up being 28 and living in our basement, but if he does, I doubt it will be because I told him when he was 6 that he could live with us forever. :P
post #45 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by JavaJunkie View Post
Well, if my 6 year old was crying at bedtime, I would find out why. He's old enough to express himself. The only reasons he's cried at bedtime in years is because of being sick or all of a sudden getting scared. We work out a solution in those cases, which a lot of times involve sleeping with either dh or me.

That said, the only one of my kids that needs to be parented to sleep every night is the baby. The older ones get tucked in and go to sleep. The 12yo and 6yo share a room. The 4yo just moved into her own bed, in her own room. She still is welcome to sleep with dh or me if she needs to.

Dh and I still meet the kids' needs at night, no matter the age. For the 4&6yo, the needs are usually fears or sickness. The 12yo only gets us up anymore if he's sick. But they all know that they can wake us up for any reason at night, just like they can come to us for any reason during the day and ask for help.
Why does my 6 year old cry if I leave her room when she is still awake? She just wants me with her. It is a comfort thing, like needing a certain toy to be able to sleep. I am her "toy" I have been next to her when she falls asleep 99.9% of her entire life of sleep.

We do teeth/face and story time and then bed. I usually end up reading until the 6 and 8 year old are asleep. If I am too tired to read for an hour or more then I end up getting in bed with 6 year old and falling asleep. If I do that I rarely get up in the night to go to my own bed.

My 10 year old (all three share a room) has a hard time falling asleep and just wants me there. She does get a little scared at times.

I don't mind that they need me to tuck them in and read/sing to them. But I want to be able to tell them goodnight and then go sleep in my OWN BED!!!!! My husband is such a great guy, he works so hard for all of us. He doesn't say anything but I can tell it is hard on him to not have me next to him when he wakes up at 4am to go to work.


It is soooo much easier to AP a baby than it is an older child.

Quote:
But is this really the parenting method or the personalities of the kids?
Yes it could just be their personalities. But I am the type that always wonders if I am to blame. From lice to dead pets to Sensory Processing Disorder to cavities. Because it all must be my fault right?
post #46 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by KweenKrunch View Post
The whole point of CIO is to teach the child that mother will not come, despite how upset and hysterical they get.
No, that's the very sad by-product of CIO. The whole point is teaching them to self soothe.
post #47 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by fridgeart View Post
AP isn't about creating dependencies; it's about being responsive to your child's needs (and your needs!).
I'm with you on this. And, I think the balance swings from more baby needs focused when they're small to moving back towards more of your needs getting equal focus. The dependencies come up when the child is allowed to continue only focusing on their own needs even though they've reached a comprehension level that can understand the needs of others.

When they can get that others have needs but see that their mother's needs are only their own - that she doesn't require anything of them - then the dependency develops.

That's my two cents before a very late bed time! Dang these boards are addictive!
post #48 of 68
My son is 2 years old, and while I don't know what kind of teenager or man he'll be he has a pretty independant personality right now even though we are AP. We still co-sleep, babywear (when he wants), gentle discipline, etc. I actually think that AP parenting helps your kids become more independant than dependant. I think it also shows them respect and how to treat others nicely. I think TP parenting makes kids not understand feelings of others and maybe why we have a lot of bullies (I don't know for sure, just my observation). I don't agree with CIO at any age, and certainly not for a 5 1/2 month old. He/she has no idea that its time for bed, etc.
post #49 of 68
My dd is 12, and I wasn't an ap parent with her as an infant/toddler (which I regret). My ds is 28 months, and I have been an AP parent with him.

Dd is not outgoing at all. She has a really hard time making conversation with people she doesn't know. Even as a lo, she wouldn't ask other kids to play with her or try to play with them. She won't ask her teachers for help when she doesn't understand the lesson. It's very frustrating for me, but I know it's partly because of the way I parented her. She wanted to badly to co-sleep, and I wish I had let her!

Ds is still nursing, he sleeps with us, spends time in the Ergo. Dh and I take turns getting him to sleep at night. I've never spanked him or let him cio. I don't use time-outs -- we use time-ins.

He is completely different from his sister. He is so confident! He walks up to anyone, anywhere, and chats them up. He makes friends easily. He has no problem asking for what he needs and is incredibly independent. I think he's going to have a much easier time, socially, and I'm sure it's because he feels more secure at home.

I have to add, though, that dd and ds have different dads, so there's a whole mix of different genes that are contributing to their personality differences, but I truly believe that dd would be a much more independent girl if I had been an ap parent from the beginning. Trying to make up for lost time now.
post #50 of 68
lunabelly my 10 year old sounds like your 12 year old and she has been AP'ed from the time she was born
post #51 of 68
You've gotten lots of great advice, I just wanted to hop in and say.....

post #52 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
lunabelly my 10 year old sounds like your 12 year old and she has been AP'ed from the time she was born
Thanks, Candipooh. That's reassuring. I know dd will be fine, but it's hard not to get frustrated and blame myself.

I guess that's a tip for the OP: No matter what parenting route you choose, there will be things you'll wish you'd done better. Don't be too hard on yourself; Our LOs are always giving us more chances to get it right.
post #53 of 68
The most important job of the infant is to form a secure attachment to their primary caregiver. This gives him a base from which to explore the world and he knows that his basic needs will always be met. It seems to me that preventing that attachment from occuring would be more likely to lead to what we think of as a "mama's boy", an older child or adult who is overly dependent upon his mother, since he is still seeking the attachment he did not get in childhood.
post #54 of 68
Thread Starter 
hi ladies....soooooooo sorry i didnt respond! im shameful to admit i forgot about this thread i started!


thank you so much for you explanations and stories, i was unfortunately not well educated on the subject, but i got it now

proud to say im a newbie ap mommy carters a breastfeeding, learning to babywear, doesnt get to cry outside my arms for more than 30 seconds baby...i could do massages more, i only do twice a week after his baths, but im working towards being a better person too so i can be the best mother i can

i apologize again for my ignorance...i was still pregnant, now i realize how different it is when your baby is out!
post #55 of 68
You will never look back and wish you had held or comforted your child LESS.

Follow your gut and don't worry about independence.
post #56 of 68
Quote:
Basically, I see clingy children (male or female) as constantly looking for approval. The typical "mama's boy" will do anything to please his mom, right? Well, if the child learns from an early age that their parents love them, respect them, and approve of them, then they won't constantly be seeking that approval in adolescence or adulthood. When kids don't get it as infants it may manifest itself as the "mama's boy" in males, but in females it is much scarier. They can become promiscuous or otherwise constantly searching for love. Not saying boys don't do this as well (cus I have seen it happen) but it is more obvious in women.

Not trying to debate but this is FAR FAR from the truth.I was very AP with my second child,Bf,wore in a wrap all the time,never away from,cosleep.Very hands on and there for him with one wimper.Read every book on AP,subscribed to mothering & I produced a very clingy mommas boy.

My first child I formula feed,I never wore him,and let him cio and he is by far the most independent little man ever.


IMHO I do think AP makes for some clingy kids.
post #57 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carter'sMummy View Post
hi ladies....soooooooo sorry i didnt respond! im shameful to admit i forgot about this thread i started!


thank you so much for you explanations and stories, i was unfortunately not well educated on the subject, but i got it now

proud to say im a newbie ap mommy carters a breastfeeding, learning to babywear, doesnt get to cry outside my arms for more than 30 seconds baby...i could do massages more, i only do twice a week after his baths, but im working towards being a better person too so i can be the best mother i can

i apologize again for my ignorance...i was still pregnant, now i realize how different it is when your baby is out!
Congratulations of your new babe!!
post #58 of 68
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow View Post
Congratulations of your new babe!!
thank you very much, hes 10 weeks tomorrow
post #59 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aquafina View Post
Not trying to debate but this is FAR FAR from the truth.I was very AP with my second child,Bf,wore in a wrap all the time,never away from,cosleep.Very hands on and there for him with one wimper.Read every book on AP,subscribed to mothering & I produced a very clingy mommas boy.

My first child I formula feed,I never wore him,and let him cio and he is by far the most independent little man ever.


IMHO I do think AP makes for some clingy kids.
Or, your kids could just have 2 different personalities. I had two babies 14 months apart and parented them the exact same way. One child is "clingier" than the other (although I never think of it in that particualr term). That doesn't mean AP doesn't "work." It means I gave birth to two human beings.
post #60 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
Children can be independent only when they are firmly rooted in attachment. Kids are free to be who they truly are only when they don't have to worry about attachment.
Agreed. My kids are 11 and 13 and the baby stage is not the time to work independance. It's a whole different stage, and when it comes it's bitter sweet. My older DD asked me to help me enter her teacher's email addresses in address book, so that when she has a question she won't need me. All those years of co-sleeping and BFing and the kid is working me out of job! She does her own laundry and gets up to her own alarm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.
I think it's time to let them know that you are done putting them to sleep and that you have faith in them. Get really clear in your own head first, buy them flash lights (or whatever) and just be done with it. There is a difference between AP and just not showing faith in your kids. Six is old enough (unless she is ill, has a tramatic event, etc.) As they get older, it's helpful for kids when we believe in them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer3141 View Post
Or, your kids could just have 2 different personalities.
My kids have very different personalities and have been more high maintenance at different ages. AP doesn't determine your child's personality, it's just lets them know that it's safe for them to be themselves and that they are loved unconditionally. There isn't a parenting recipe book that you can follow to have your kid turn out a certain way.

Anyone who thinks so either isn't being honest or doesn't have much experience with children!
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