Consequences for not doing chores?

[Ruthla]

I'm absolutely at my wit's end with the household chores.

I'm a single mom with 3 kids. I have fibromyalgia and an intermittent problem with balance due to fluid in my inner ear. I am not physically capable of doing all the housework myself.

We have assigned chores, but DS and DD2 don't always do them when they're supposed to. Sometimes this is irritating, and other times it causes a complete breakdown of the entire "organized household" system.

It doesn't really mess things up too much if the recycling gets taken out at 11:00 PM instead of 5:00 PM, since it's not picked up until the following morning anyway. But if the dishwasher (broken, currently used as a dish drainer) isn't emptied in the mornings, then we can't wash more dishes as we use them since we have noplace to put them! Or the dishes end up piled on a towel on the kitchen table and there's no place to eat!

Kitchen stuff MUST be done promptly or it interferes with meal preparation. We're already struggling with keeping daily order and eating meals at normal times and getting DS to bed at normal times. He's been going to bed way too late (last night it was 11:30) and it's hard to get him to bed at a reasonable hour when dinner isn't served until too late or when we all just snack on leftovers and never make a real meal. Keeping the house clean and orderly is part of the "organized household" I'm trying to establish.

DS and DD2 have, at various times, alternated who did trash and recycling and who emptied the dishwasher each day. For a long time, DD2 did the dishwasher while DS took care of trash and recycling. A few weeks ago they agreed to switch. Now he's not keeping up his end of the bargain, and I'm getting very angry and resentful.

It would definitely be easier to just empty the dishwasher myself- at least on the days that I'm not too dizzy and I'm actually capable of doing it. But I want him to learn responsibility, and I also don't want to feel like a servant rather than a member of this family.

This morning, DS and DD had a conversation about switching jobs, but never hashed out the details, and in the end I stepped in and said "OK, then we'll keep things the way they were. DD2 and DD1 can go out now, and DS has to empty the dishwasher." (They went out to visit with an elderly neighbor and I'm not going to hold them back from something that important over a squabble over chores.) Now he's refusing to empty the dishwasher because he thinks DD2 agreed to to it.

I've told him he can't play on the computer, watch TV, or play outside until his chores are done. Normally this means he does his chores and then goes out to play, but today he's just being stubborn. I know it's not good for him to be inside bored all day, but what else can I do to get him to do his chores? Is this too harsh? Not harsh enough?

I can just see where this is going. It's lunchtime and I can't cook lunch because the kitchen is a mess, and there's no room to clean anything in there because of the dishwasher. He'll spend the day cranky and bored and not be able to sleep tonight.

It's reached the point where I basically have to do his chore if he stubbornly refuses to do so, but then there needs to be a consequence. What?

[Ruthla]

Now I'm feeling dizzy and "putting the dishes away myself" is no longer an option. I could have done it a few hours ago, but now I can't.

Any ideas on reasonable consequences for not doing chores?

[sunnmama]

One heck of a power struggle going, huh? BTDT

No point in you suffering (not being able to cook lunch) because he is being stubborn. I'd express my disapproval ("I expect you to empty the dishwasher. I'm angry that I will have to empty it myself to cook.") and do it myself. Have lunch, and then reassess after everyone has some food.

In my house, there would still be no computer/tv/playing outside until the issue was adequately addressed. He needs to sit down (after lunch, when things are less tense) and talk about it. He would need to do something to make up for not doing that chore (is there another chore he could do before playing?). And address the issue of why he is refusing this one. Likely, I wouldn't allow this to be his chore if him not doing it makes it impossible to cook.

[Ruthla]

But the thing is, I'm not sure what other chores to assign. If DD2 and DS swap chores, then we'd have the exact same issues with DD2 and the dishwasher not being emptied. That's what happened in the past.

Give the job to DD1? Ok, but she already does a heck of a lot of stuff around here. She cooks meals (that DD2 is supposed to clean up from, but often doesn't.) DD2 has already paid DD1 money to wash her dishes until school starts. DD1 will see what needs doing and just does it. Only by assigning chores to various household members do I get DD2 or DS to do ANYTHING around the house!

If I left DD2 or DS to wash dishes instead of putting away the clean, dry ones, we'd have the same issues with the kitchen not being available for cooking. Plus, DS doesn't really know how to wash dishes yet. He CAN wash them, but they don't come out very clean and the kitchen floor gets soaked in the process. Having him wash dishes is just as much work as washing them myself, as I need to stand there next to him by the sink and teach him how to do this properly. It's a project I intend to do over the school year, as part of our 'homeschool day" routine (after lunch I teach him how to wash dishes) but it's not something he's currently capable of doing.

Right now my focus is on getting through the next 2 weeks until school starts.

[Ruthla]

Now he's mad at me. He just threatened "do you want me to waste electricity??" And he's turned on all the lights in the house.

I'm trying not to crack up here. Turning on all the lights in the house is his idea of rebelling?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

But the thing is, I'm not sure what other chores to assign. If DD2 and DS swap chores, then we'd have the exact same issues with DD2 and the dishwasher not being emptied. That's what happened in the past.
.

Can you take over the dishwashing chore?

Ds could make beds, do laundry, vacuum, wash windows, scrub the floors.....

Any of those would be less time sensitive (and, with laundry, if he doesn't do his chore you could just leave his laundry undone ). I suspect that any of those would be easier for a 7 yo than washing dishes, too. Glasses break, knives are sharp....I still keep my 8 yo away from a sink full of dishes

[Ruthla]

I'm only asking him to put clean dishes away. The job takes about 5 minutes. He can easily reach where everything needs to go.

Making beds isn't even a "chore" in this house. We each make, or don't make, our own beds. The windows don't need washing regularly. Vacuuming and floor washing aren't daily chores either (and the last time he mopped the floor, he made a bigger mess of it than it had been before washing, which infuriated me because I couldn't do any laundry or use the toilet when the bathroom floor was soaking wet.

Even if I create a list of chores to keep him busy and "make the chores list even", it still wont' solve the underlying issue: SOMEBODY needs to do the dishes daily, and if DS or DD2 aren't involved in this, then DD1 and I will continue doing far more than our share of the housework.

[GuildJenn]

Ruthla I really have come to respect you from your posts.

I do want to say with all gentleness though that even though you clearly do need your kids to pitch in and they should -- no disagreement from me here -- your son is still seven years old and at that age he is going to still need to be parented about doing these things. Today is unfortunately one of those days.

For the short term, I'd do it myself (or get another child to do) and then talk to him about it later and ask him to come up with something else to do to help the family to make up for it.

For the long term, I think what you need is a dish shelf/drainer where the dishes can live, so that it becomes a one-step process - something like this: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70146749 or the European-type dish shelves. I'd also go down to one dish/cup per person (with extras for guests put away) so that there are never more than a certain number of dishes dirty. (My husband and I lived that way for about a year and although it was occasionally hillarious - eating toast on paper napkins; washing dishes at odd moments - it was very peaceful.)

[organicmidwestmama]

yeah 7 year old kids aren't the greatest atalwaysdoing chores on time/properly, you kind of have to monitor and be involved in the chore a bit to make it work to your liking. what if you were to help, just a little bit, with emptying the dishwasher, like put 5 dishes away, or just the silverware for example? this might help ds feel like he is not all alone with a big job to do and hopefully it wont agravate your medical condition too much. if my son won't do a chore he is asked to do i would also withhold tv/video game privileges but probably wouldnt withhold going outside, because i like it when ds occupies himself outside, thats my own thing though.

[LynnS6]

Chore time at our house is the bane of my existence some days, and we have two adults!

Several thoughts:
What things are most difficult for you? Are there things OTHER than what they're assigned that would make your life easier?

What works best at our house is having the a set 'chore time' where EVERYONE in the house (and I do mean everyone) does chores. We work for 15 minutes and set the timer. What works best for our house is that I look around and see what needs to be done. I then have a set of 'chore sticks' that I've made up that I put in a bag. The kids draw out chores, such as "pick up all the doll house stuff" or "put away everything on the steps" or "start a load of laundry" or "clean toilets". Not everything needs to be done daily, so I rotate things.

I'm wondering if a 15 minute time would work best for your ds. If it's scheduled, then it becomes part of the routine. (OK, I'll confess, it took us two years to get there!)

I will also say that since our kids are young, there's a lot of working behind them to get it done right. However, it only took ds about a year of mopping to learn to squeeze out the water enough that he didn't create a lake. But now at 8, after 2 years, he's got a lot of this down. He can vacuum, clean a toilet, mop and start a load of laundry with only some help from us. I expect by the time he's 10, he will be able to do all these things on his own.

I'd work harder, honestly, with your middle child. She's only a year+ younger than her sister, and yet she's essentially doing the same level of chores as your 7 year old!

One thought would be to have her alternate cooking with her older sister. Two thoughts behind this. First, cooking IS a lot more fun than cleaning up. Second, if you alternate nights when the girls are supposed to cook/clean, then dd1 cooks, dd2 cleans. The next night dd2 will need to cook, and discover pretty soon that she CAN'T cook with the dishes not done, right? Meanwhile, when dd2 cooks, dd1 will clean. She'll leave the kitchen clean for herself and be able to cook the next day.

Is there a way to get her buy-in for some of this? What can help her take ownership?

[Twocoolboys]

If this were happening in my house right now I would offer to help my ds empty the dishwasher for today. Offering to help usually gets my two older kids to pitch in a do it with me. If it didn't work, I'd try to make it a game. Like, maybe put some music on and suggest we see if we can get it done together before one song ended. I really want my boys to learn that chores don't have to be a big deal and that they don't have to take long.

I would continue to withhold video games/tv until the chore is done. We don't allow any computer or video games until chores are done in our house. It works for us.

That said, I think 7 may still be too young to have a daily, time-sensitive chore. It seems like a bit too much pressure for that age. You may also consider rotating chores frequently to combat the boredom factor. My boys are more likely to do chores without complaining if they get to do something different on most days.

We don't have a schedule. We just pick what needs to be done. Sometimes it's laundry, sometimes emptying the dishwasher, etc. Today my 10 year old cleaned the toilet and the bathroom sink. Sometimes he empties the dishwasher, sometimes picks up toys, sometimes makes dinner, etc.

[SusieRain]

Each morning, my DS6 puts the dishes away (with "help" from the DD2) while I make breakfast and DS8 tidies up bedrooms (getting dirty laundry collected, diapers in trash, trash outside, barn chores started, etc). I DO NOT serve breakfast until the dishes are put away and all morning chores are done. Period. There have been times when we have all stood around and watched DS6 put the dishes away so that we can eat. It is important for children to learn that the FAMILY helps each other..... and suffers together, too. This does not happen anymore. It only took about 3 times for DS6 to understand that this chore was NOT going away.

I used gentle lectures such as "I do not always want to cook, but I do bc we need to eat." or "Daddy does not always want to go to work, but he does it anyway bc we need money to pay bills and to buy food." "We all have to do things that we don't enjoy, but think about the benefit of it - you have a clean kitchen to enjoy breakfast and the satisfaction of knowing that you accomplished something already today. If you let it go, that will be on your mind and you will not enjoy your food as much."

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think I would assign chores and only those kids that are responsible can switch chores with one another. Which definitely leaves your DS out for a while.

I would give him chores which do not impact the rest of the family in such an acute way (holding up meals). No more switching for him until he demonstrates he can do his assigned chores responsibly. He can sweep floors or take out trash or whatever.

I don't think you are being too harsh by not allowing fun activities until chores are completed, but its always my personal opinion that if punishment is going to be used, there should be an opportunity for reinforcement as well. If not reinforcement, than at least some heavy acknowledgement. If the other children pick up the chores that were his responsibility, then they should be given extra priviledges or something for going above and beyond their duty.

[Ruthla]

In the end, I traded chores with him: I emptied the dishwasher and he switched the laundry from the washing machine to the dryer. (Why on earth can HE turn the dryer on yet my 13yo claims she can't reach the buttons? Whenever she switches the laundry, she asks me to turn on the dryer. Probably he uses the stepstool and she doesn't.)

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

For the long term, I think what you need is a dish shelf/drainer where the dishes can live, so that it becomes a one-step process - something like this: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70146749 or the European-type dish shelves. I'd also go down to one dish/cup per person (with extras for guests put away) so that there are never more than a certain number of dishes dirty. (My husband and I lived that way for about a year and although it was occasionally hillarious - eating toast on paper napkins; washing dishes at odd moments - it was very peaceful.)

We have a REALLY tiny kitchen, and honestly I have no clue where we could put a shelf like that (unless we spent money removing the broken dishwasher and putting it there.) And to have the "extras for guests" in an out of the way spot just seems complicated to me- the location of our dishes is one thing that WORKS in my house right now!

It's not 100% certain, (still waiting to hear details about a private scholarship) but DD1 might be going to private school this year. If this works out, she'll have about an hour's commute each way, plus a longer school day (dual curriculum.) Meanwhile, DD2 will go to the local public school and DS will be homeschooled.

If this works out, then DD1 will be completely out of the chores loop, except for her own laundry, helping prepare for Shabat, and possibly food prep and cleanup on the weekends. My plan is to have her come home to dinner already made, and I won't make her do significant dishwashing unless her homework isn't all that time consuming (but it probably will be.)

If the private school doesn't work out, then they'll both have similar school schedules (but with high school starting and ending earlier than middle) and chores will reflect that.

So, I don't want to think too much about re-arranging the chores right now. We only have two more weeks of all of us at home together, and I just want to get through them with my sanity intact!

[PikkuMyy]

Just a quick drive-by suggestion: I never "mop" the floors in the traditional sense. I have a squirt bottle filled with 1/4 white vinegar, 3/4 water, and I spray the floor with it before mopping with a lightly damp mop or towel. This would be easy for a 7 year old to do, and takes very little time as it air dries VERY fast and doesn't require any soap measuring, water squeezing, or floor rinsing. It also means that the mop is easier to lift and dries quickly.

[Ruthla]

Ok, here's the new rule regarding chores:

You can't use the computer or pick out a TV show until your daily chores are completed. If you delay so long that somebody else does your chores for you, then no computer or picking out a TV show until the next time the chore needs to be done. In the case of emptying the dishwasher, that's one whole day. In the case of trash or recycling, it's until the next trash or recycling day. You ARE allowed to read, play outside, or watch a TV show that a sibling picked out (otherwise I'm punishing all 3 kids when only one didn't do chores.) You can also "earn back" priveledges by doing extra chores (but only if there are other chores that need doing that day.)

This morning, DS woke up before me and was already watching TV when I got up. I didn't realize the diswhasher hadn't been emptied yet (I also hadn't made up the new rules until later in the morning.) When I noticed the dishwasher was empty, I told him to empty it. He refused. After a few reminders, I did it myself. Now he's not allowed to use the computer at all today (TV isn't really relevent today because he already watched a lot this morning and we weren't planning to have the TV on later anyway.)

[bronxmom]

I'm wondering if you might want to talk to your son about WHY he doesn't want to do his chores - or what it is he finds daunting. He may be expressing a need you don't know about. Perhaps something about the "organized household" overwhelms him.

I also wonder: what about one disorganized day? Eg., 6 days a week we really need to be organized because our family has a lot going on; because holding that all together can be really stressful, one day is just for us to relax and chill. We'll order pizza and eat off paper plates and do something fun as a family and no one will have to do chores. Maybe that one day to look forward to would help?

It seems like you have a lot going on and your girls are really growing up and maybe your boy is feeling a little rushed to grow up in the midst of it all - maybe he needs some space to slow down and is expressing that in an obstinate, misguided way.

I could be way off-base here but as someone who resents routines and enforced timetables for household stuff, I think I could feel where he might be coming from.

[MommyDOK]

I'm subbing bc I can see this happening at my house!! Although my children are younger, my oldest has never, ever cleaned w/out complaining. It really grows tiresome.

To the poster that suggested "15 minutes of cleaning", I've tried that w/ my kids and they dawdle, dawdle, dawdle, until the time is away. We've tried the "Pick up 35 things" and that helps a little.

It's hard; big hugs. No one wants to do chores. I read somewhere to call it, "Helping the family" or "Blessing my house". Chores mean work.

[Ruthla]

Well- chores ARE work!

At this point, I've shifted things around so that DS and I are "sharing" the job of emptying the dishwasher. This means that I do it myself if I wake up before all the kids and have a rare burst of energy, but I encourage him to do it with me (picking up dishes and handing them to me one or two at a time to put away) if he's up when I get up.

His primary responsibility now is to keep his own things put away at night. I don't mind toys strewn about during the day when they're being played with, but everything needs to be tidied up before bedtime. Anything not picked up gets confiscated.

[Starflower]

subbing