Looking for ideas on how to encourage listening

[That Is Nice]

I'd love to hear ideas for encouraging better listening and getting results when you ask or tell your child to do something.

I'm looking for ideas specific to the pre-schooler age.

I have a little person first identified as special needs for lack of speech but who now seems quite precocious.

This includes the ability to verbally debate with me and "manipulate" for lack of a better word.

My pre-schooler does not listen and will debate at length the merits of doing something - finishing dinner, taking a bite of a new food, picking up toys, staying by me when we walk somewhere, you name it.

Everything is a debate.

If my child wants to do something that I've said we aren't doing right now, I hear "you aren't listening to me" from my child! And then a very long discussion of why I should listen, why it's a good idea to not eat the vegetables or why it's a good idea to watch another episode on PBS Kids.

I feel like I'm not in charge. I feel like somehow we're on equal footing here.

My child is also very good at hugging, saying "I love you so much," and having very good manners (please, thank you, you're welcome) when something is wanted. My child is getting very proficient at manipulation, or maybe just convincing.

Ideas to make a precocious child listen????

[lmkirche]

I was hoping for some ideas here, as I am seeking the same advice. I have a 3 year old boy who is also working on his "listening skills". He also debates with me and says alot of the same things to me. I feel like I have resorted to "having a talk" with him, which is probally either going right over his head or is ignored. I need something shorter, sweeter, and more memorable. Something that makes sense to him and can apply to multiple situations. We have talked about our "listening ears" but I think he is really into pushing boundries and testing adult limit right now. I hope we can find some answers soon.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lmkirche

I was hoping for some ideas here, as I am seeking the same advice. I have a 3 year old boy who is also working on his "listening skills". He also debates with me and says alot of the same things to me. I feel like I have resorted to "having a talk" with him, which is probally either going right over his head or is ignored. I need something shorter, sweeter, and more memorable. Something that makes sense to him and can apply to multiple situations. We have talked about our "listening ears" but I think he is really into pushing boundries and testing adult limit right now. I hope we can find some answers soon.

I could have written your post! That is what is happening here, exactly. I started saying "please listen to my words..." kind of a take on "use your words" which is a gentle reminder to use language with other kids instead of stealing the toy or pushing, etc.

But now I hear back from my child "you aren't listening to my words!"

As in, I'll say, ok, this is the last show on PBS Kids we're going to watch today. We're going to turn off the tv and read a book now. And I hear back "No! You aren't listening to my words! I am going to watch Clifford the Big Red Dog now."

[GuildJenn]

I recently heard the phrase "verbal roughhousing" and I love it. I think kids this age are building up their reasoning/arguing 'muscles.'

I find that getting down at my son's level, putting my hands gently on his arms or other spot, and saying, "Right now this is not up for discussion: X" helps. So do some of the techniques in How to talk so kids will listen... like using one word:

"Put your shoes on please"
"blah blah blah"
"Noah, shoes!"

But otherwise I think it's just a phase.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I recently heard the phrase "verbal roughhousing" and I love it. I think kids this age are building up their reasoning/arguing 'muscles.'

I find that getting down at my son's level, putting my hands gently on his arms or other spot, and saying, "Right now this is not up for discussion: X" helps. So do some of the techniques in How to talk so kids will listen... like using one word:

"Put your shoes on please"
"blah blah blah"
"Noah, shoes!"

But otherwise I think it's just a phase.

Thanks GuildJenn! I think you are sooooo right about kids this age building up their reasoning/arguing muscles.

In fact, my child often will say, "We are having a little argument right now. That's ok. We'll work it out. We disagree."

Whenever I ask something politely like "please put on your shoes" I get a whole paragraph response of toddler reasoning..."I was going to put on my shoes but I'm playing with my toys."

If I get exasperated with asking nicely and saying please and gently prompting 25 times, I might say "put your shoes on!"

And then my child will say "ok, if you say so!" and put on the shoes.

So, yeah, I think "Noah, shoes!" works wonders. I have to remember to limit the words to the most important two or three!

[bronxmom]

Well, are we describing kids not listening or not obeying? These seem to me to be two different things. My daughter is a total negotiator! It can be exhausting. But it's not really fair to say they're not listening just b/c they don't agree or don't comply.

That said, I think kids want to argue back and negotiate but don't know how to hear another point of view or wait to listen and then actually respond. Alfie Kohn has this great point where he says we want to help our kids make their own best arguments even if we eventually decide we are going to make the decision. So perhaps instead of stating your position over and over when he negotiates, try to help him develop his position. Talk to him about how to listen and respond to what someone's saying. Model listening. If we say it's time to go now and our kids says "but I want to watch Clifford" and we say "it's time to go", we haven't really listened have we? But if we say, "seems like you're having fun watching Clifford" and listen to the response and perhaps say "you really like watching that show" and again let them respond and then say "I wish I could let you sit and watch tv all day but we need to go do X or but this is why tv is not good for you too much" then we've listened. We've held our position and ultimately are asking our child to comply but we've listened.

If we want kids to listen to us, I think we need to listen to them.

[mom2grrls]

Whenever I ask something politely like "please put on your shoes" I get a whole paragraph response of toddler reasoning..."I was going to put on my shoes but I'm playing with my toys.">>>>>>

When I want my kids to do something like get ready to leave I say "put on your shoes". I save please for a request like "will you please get me the phone".

[LynnS6]

This is the age where I found "How To Talk So Your Children Will Listen..." by Faber & Mazlish very helpful. As previous posters have said, it boils down to: making sure the child feels heard and limiting verbiage. Until my child knows that I've heard her, she will not move forward. It IS frustrating at times because I'd really like to be able to say, "Please get your shoes on and get in the car" without discussion. BUT the 2 minutes of reflective listening pays off big time later.

I find this works very well especially with my dd, who is very verbal and LIKES to debate. This is the child who started 'winning' arguments when she was 2 1/2! Seriously - Dad suggested they go to the science museum. She wanted to go to the Children's Museum. Dad said something to support his point, she responded, "But Dad, the Children's Museum is closer!" She was right and they went to the Children's Museum.

The other thing is to provide plenty of warning. "In three minutes it will be time for your shoes." "As soon as you're done with X, it's time for your shoes." (note that the latter works only for things that have an actual end point. I won't say that if she's playing with her doll house, for example, because that's an eternal activity!)

[Surfacing]

There are some good points here.

[Caneel]

When I read the OP's first post, I thought to myself, I could have written that.

Then I read-

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

But now I hear back from my child "you aren't listening to my words!"

As in, I'll say, ok, this is the last show on PBS Kids we're going to watch today. We're going to turn off the tv and read a book now. And I hear back "No! You aren't listening to my words! I am going to watch Clifford the Big Red Dog now."

and nearly fell off my chair.

My DS says the exact same thing.

I am going to order the recommended book right now.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Thanks GuildJenn!
Whenever I ask something politely like "please put on your shoes" I get a whole paragraph response of toddler reasoning..."I was going to put on my shoes but I'm playing with my toys."

If I get exasperated with asking nicely and saying please and gently prompting 25 times, I might say "put your shoes on!"

DS does this also.

The lastest - he was dawdling/clowning around on the stairs, which is not allowed in our house.

Me - DS, please go to the bottom of the stairs, repeat about 15x

DS - I am going

Me - no you are not, you are playing and you know that is not allowed on on the stairs

DS - I am NOT playing, I am swinging my foot back and forth and singing.

Me - Well then do you foot swinging and singing at the bottom of the stairs.

DS - (gets in another swing and a few notes before walking down the stairs)

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by bronxmom

Well, are we describing kids not listening or not obeying? These seem to me to be two different things. My daughter is a total negotiator! It can be exhausting. But it's not really fair to say they're not listening just b/c they don't agree or don't comply.

That said, I think kids want to argue back and negotiate but don't know how to hear another point of view or wait to listen and then actually respond. Alfie Kohn has this great point where he says we want to help our kids make their own best arguments even if we eventually decide we are going to make the decision. So perhaps instead of stating your position over and over when he negotiates, try to help him develop his position. Talk to him about how to listen and respond to what someone's saying. Model listening. If we say it's time to go now and our kids says "but I want to watch Clifford" and we say "it's time to go", we haven't really listened have we? But if we say, "seems like you're having fun watching Clifford" and listen to the response and perhaps say "you really like watching that show" and again let them respond and then say "I wish I could let you sit and watch tv all day but we need to go do X or but this is why tv is not good for you too much" then we've listened. We've held our position and ultimately are asking our child to comply but we've listened.

If we want kids to listen to us, I think we need to listen to them.

Both listening and obeying, I think.

I've read Alfie Kohn and I know what you are talking about. I do the listening all the time with DC..."seems like you're having fun watching Clifford" and listening to the response...and then after 15 to 20 minutes of DC continuing to watch while I talk and DC giving me lots of diaglog I feel like I've gotten nowhere.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Caneel

DS does this also.

The lastest - he was dawdling/clowning around on the stairs, which is not allowed in our house.

Me - DS, please go to the bottom of the stairs, repeat about 15x

DS - I am going

Me - no you are not, you are playing and you know that is not allowed on on the stairs

DS - I am NOT playing, I am swinging my foot back and forth and singing.

Me - Well then do you foot swinging and singing at the bottom of the stairs.

DS - (gets in another swing and a few notes before walking down the stairs)

Sounds like our daily routine!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I find this works very well especially with my dd, who is very verbal and LIKES to debate. This is the child who started 'winning' arguments when she was 2 1/2! Seriously - Dad suggested they go to the science museum. She wanted to go to the Children's Museum. Dad said something to support his point, she responded, "But Dad, the Children's Museum is closer!" She was right and they went to the Children's Museum.

The other thing is to provide plenty of warning. "In three minutes it will be time for your shoes." "As soon as you're done with X, it's time for your shoes." (note that the latter works only for things that have an actual end point. I won't say that if she's playing with her doll house, for example, because that's an eternal activity!)

Thanks! This is good. I have really started the countdown lately with timelines. "As soon as you're done with x, it's time for y." Or 5 more minutes. Then the 3 min, 2 min, and 1 min reminders.

We do that all the time.

It works sometimes.

I've noticed how time conscious my child is now, making lots of references to timeframes and timelines and times of the day in speech, mimicking back to me what I say.

I've gone from having a silent, almost mute child with very few words who needed and received speech therapy to a very verbal child who loves to talk literally non-stop.

DH and I have both commented on how continuous the talking is...in the car our child will talk endlessly and continuously for the entire trip whether it's a 5 minute trip to the store or a 2 hour car ride. The mind never seems to shut off.

There is no quiet time. If we suggest quiet time for 5 or 10 minutes we hear, "But Mom! I want to talk! I need to talk! I have things to tell you!"