9 y.p dd and puberty=emotional/confusing

[knitsforfive]

Hi. I am really hanging by my last thread with my dd. She is just newly 9 and developed breast buds and underarm hair last year. She is now getting pimples and more hair and is clearly going through PMS symptoms each month the week before I start my period.

The really hard thing is that she is teetering between childhood and puberty in so many ways. She still, for example, runs to me crying when she hurts herself, no matter how small the wound. She still plays at the park and calls for me to look at her while she's doing stuff on the bars. She still needs us to put her to bed, etc. All this is fine. She's still my little girl. But she is also going through puberty so she is so moody and so snappy with us. On the one hand, she acts like a little girl. On the other hand, she acts like a teenager. I never know with which child I am trying to relate and frequently get it wrong. I am going crazy.

On a good note, she is very happy about her breasts and the hair and says she's excited to start her period. She is very proud of it all.

We have talked about the emotions of puberty. She has always been a particularly dramatic and emotional child so this doesn't surprise me. I just don't know how to deal with it and worry about her emotional development and our relationship.

Help.

[karne]

I have found that it's sometimes a pretty delicate balancing act with this age. My dd walks both lines as well-wanting to be super independent, a little moody, but also totally craving closeness and reassurance. I think it's a confusing time. Sometimes I offer closeness, but she really wants independence, or the other way around. I don't get it right all the time, but I'm there, and she knows it.

I picture myself as home base while dd is kind of zipping around out there with her changes. She can always come to home base when she needs to, lol.

[operamommy]

My dd is 11 and still experiencing that balancing act between little girl and teenager. I try to remind myself (a lot!) that this is still all new to her and confusing as well. She still plays with her dolls on occasion and sleeps with stuffed animals, but she's also very interested in boys and growing up.

But yeah, it's hard. I think that this time with dd has been harder than it was during the same years for ds1. The good news is that he's 14 and pretty well settled in - so hopefully we're not too far away from that.

[MRJmama]

I don't have a lot of advice for you, I just wanted to say we are going through the exact same stuff with my 10 year old.

[mata]

sounds about right. my nine year old dd is similar. Buds showed this summer, today I go to buy deodorant (natural) for the first time (and she actually has a scent there,) and she wants to address the hair on her legs. And she totally fluctuates between the 2 age groups.

Three months ago she didn't want to talk about getting her period, etc., the other night she asks me what to do if she gets it in class. I was glad to have the talk, and she was very receptive. It's normal that she looks forward to growing up, but mourns the loss of childhood at the same time.

[HomeBirthMommy]

I'm another that's right there with you. My dd is almost 10 and her body is changing so fast. She is still so much a child (and a timid, anxious one at that). *sigh* Each age/phase has its challenges, and this is just the next one, I suppose.

[Suzannah]

My nine year old is starting to go through the moodiness and is very excited about puberty. I feel like I have failed her thus far; I really need to be way more patient than I have been. Intellectually she is really advanced (she is gifted and an only child, so she has always been a part of adult conversations), but she is still emotionally (and hormonally) a nine-year old girl. We have had some pretty intense moments, that are mercifully brief, but still present.

I think breathing is an important part of this stage (as in, taking a deep breath before responding), and I have tried to work on me (ironically). I had a rough time myself from 9-17, and I am trying not to make the same mistakes with her. I also need to do more of her stuff and not try to make her do my stuff, to show her that I care about who she is becoming and what she is interested in.

A timely topic for me; I am glad to see it. I think this stage is largely ignored except as a marketing demographic.

[chfriend]

Our family really enjoyed reading the American Girl book The Care and Keeping of You.

Maybe something like that would help?

[~D~]

...subbing :

I just want to pop in and say that I am going through the same thing with DD, she was 11 in May. I keep thinking it will get easier...

[ZoraP]

My nearly 10-yo dd is the same; either craving attention and wanting to be babied, or wearing her dramatic, outsized hormonal emotions on her sleeve. I can handle it myself (most of the time!), but it really confuses her nearly 7-yo sister, who never knows when she's going to be broadsided by a nasty attack. I'm having to provide extra emotional support to her so she understands that dd1 really doesn't hate her.

We also really like "The Care and Keeping of You" and it has helped us discuss some things. My dd is also very bright and can articulate her feelings quite well (especially when not in a rage). She knows that she's conflicted about growing up; on the one hand, it's all kind of new and exciting (fun to be getting breasts, etc.), but on the other she realizes she will leave childhood behind forever fairly soon. Sometimes it feels like she really takes this out on me because she knows I'll still be there for her no matter what.

My best advice for the op is to just take things one day at a time, work extra-hard not to lose your temper (and apologize when you do), offer lots of affection during "peaceful" times, and wait it all out. Oh, and be consistent about behavior rules. I spend a lot of time saying things like "It's ok to feel angry about that, but it's not ok to say those nasty things to me/your sister/daddy. Find another way to tell us how you feel."

On good days I love seeing the young woman my dd is blossoming into! On bad days I wish I could just have my little girl back (although I must say her 3-yo tantrums weren't much fun, either, and we survived those).

Edited to add another quick thought: my dd really responded to the idea that her hormones will make all her emotions seem magnified. I told her it's not like the hormones actually cause angry feelings (or giggly ones), but they can make it all seem more intense. So sometimes I have to remind her that it's just a magnifying glass and she can still cope.

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by ZoraP

Edited to add another quick thought: my dd really responded to the idea that her hormones will make all her emotions seem magnified. I told her it's not like the hormones actually cause angry feelings (or giggly ones), but they can make it all seem more intense. So sometimes I have to remind her that it's just a magnifying glass and she can still cope.

I like this. It's better than what I told my 10 year old DD right after a particularly nasty epidode with my 12 year old DSD:

"Sophia, you're getting older now and one of the things that's going to happen over the next few years is that you're going to feel an overwhelming physical urge, right down here (I point to my belly) to be an a**hole. It's going to feel like you can't help it. It's going to feel like you won't feel better unless you're mean to someone. It's fine to have strong feelings, but it's not fine to be an a**hole. I would rather you and I talk about what's bothering you than for you to do or say something that could hurt one of the people who loves you. Got it?"

Sigh. Not one of my finer parenting moments.

[karne]

Originally Posted by mild_adventurer

I like this. It's better than what I told my 10 year old DD right after a particularly nasty epidode with my 12 year old DSD:

"Sophia, you're getting older now and one of the things that's going to happen over the next few years is that you're going to feel an overwhelming physical urge, right down here (I point to my belly) to be an a**hole. It's going to feel like you can't help it. It's going to feel like you won't feel better unless you're mean to someone. It's fine to have strong feelings, but it's not fine to be an a**hole. I would rather you and I talk about what's bothering you than for you to do or say something that could hurt one of the people who loves you. Got it?"

Sigh. Not one of my finer parenting moments.

How did your dd respond?

I've had a few of those "not finer parenting moments" myself lately.

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by karne

How did your dd respond?

I've had a few of those "not finer parenting moments" myself lately.

She's so cool. She says:

"Maybe we can strategize (her choice of words) about what I can do when I feel like I want to be an a**hole so that I'm not mean to anyone. Maybe I could go for a jog or go outside and practice my bow & arrow or play my violin. Actually Mom, maybe you could go for a jog or play your violin when you're feeling cranky, too." She gives me a knowing grin. She'd recently overheard me on the telephone with my best friend commiserating about how, as we get older, we turn into raging homicidal lunatics the week of our period.

From the mouth of babes.....

[WCM]

I am really enjoying hearing how you speak to your kids about the emotional/hormonal part of growing up. My kids have all the physical facts down, sure, but we've yet to have the emotional parts factoring in. I'd love to hear more about how you explain this side of things.

[knitsforfive]

Thanks so much. The last couple of weeks have been a bit better. We have been discussing hormones, both hers and mine, and the book (recommended on MDC boards), "Why Do They Act That Way?" has been helpful.