grief counseling

[caro113]

DP needs to get some sort of grief counseling, but we don't have insurance and can't afford to pay someone out of pocket. Does anyone know what we can do?

Here's the background: (I warn you, part of it is rather graphic)

DP used to be a police officer in Arizona. When he was still new to the job he was called to a domestic violence complaint. His training officer and his partner got there first since DP ended up taking a wrong turn. As he got there, the other two were approaching the door. Suddenly, the guy in the house started shooting and both the officers were shot. They both died.
After that, DPs fiancee and their unborn daughter (7 months gestation) were killed in a car crash. As she was talking to him on the phone. That was May 2005
Dec 07, a few days before Christmas, a friend of mine died. He was in PA and we were still in Wisconsin. I found out through a text message since my internet had been down. We both flew to PA for the funeral. I didn't realize that was the first funeral he had been to since his girls died. Everyone was a wreck at that funeral. My friend was 20. We all knew it was coming (he had a terminal genetic disease that killed his older half brother, apparently it's passed down from father to son) but it was still hard. He held my hand the hold time.
Last summer, when I was pregnant with out daughter, and back in PA (we never left after the funeral, only to get our stuff in Wisconsin) a friend of ours was found dead in the street back in Wisconsin. They ruled it an accident, as he had been hit by a car, but upon further evidence, we know it was a suicide. He was lying there, in the street, in the pitch black, in dark clothes. He had given all of his stuff to his long time sort of girlfriend with a card saying his was sorry. It was just a mess.
Then this summer, a childhood friend of his, who is actually his sister's BIL, was killed in a car crash. He had a diabetic reaction and ended going the wrong way on the highway, hitting a bus and killing four others.
What finally set him off (as if that wasn't enough .. and no, he never saw anyone about anything that happened) was work the other day. He is a corrections officer and works at a county prison. This inmate made a noose and hung himself from the cell door. DP was called for backup and cut the guy down. A little bit later (I'm guessing an hour?) the same inmate ripped out his colostomy bag and starting digging into the hole with the bag clip. The entire cell was covered in blood. DP said it looked like a murder scene. He ended up having to accompany the inmate to the hospital. The guy has his intestines hanging out. One of the other officers actually threw up after seeing it. But DP held strong and stayed with the guy until he was released back to the prison's medical ward. He should have been back here around 1230 since his shift is over at midnight. He woke me up at 4:30 in the morning. He left for the hospital around 7:30. So he spent 8 hours with this guy who tried to kill himself twice within an hour. And damn near succeeded both times.
He saw the crisis counselor but she was pretty much a one-time deal. And I think he mentioned not being comfortable around her anyhow.

Anyhow, he has send numerous times, since I've known him and more so in the past week, that needs to see someone and talk to third party. But I don't know what to do. We don't have insurance and we can't afford to pay someone. Any thoughts?

Thanks

[fillefantome]

I would suggest looking for a peer grief support program. I'm a member of one here in Austin (for reference, you can check out their website, http://fortheloveofchristi.com/), and it's been really helpful in dealing with the loss of my mother. They also have groups specifically for men (who seem to have more trouble grieving at times).

I'm sorry I don't know any organizations local to you (or how far it would be feasible for him to travel). I did a quick google search and found The Center for Loss and Bereavement (http://www.bereavementcenter.org/), which has support groups, in Skippack. It doesn't look peer-run in the the same way as For the Love of Christi, and I couldn't tell if it was free (I found a place where individual counseling was fee-based, but nothing about charges for support groups). If they do charge, they or a similar organization might still be able to provide you with information about free/subsidized bereavement support. You might also be able to find similar information from local hospice organizations.

Also, is there any chance that he might have access to some sort of employee assistance program for counseling support? It seems as though for corrections/police officers and similar, who are prone to being exposed to violence and are employed by govt, that there might be something available (if not well advertised or used). Of course, there might be some stigma involved in taking advantage of that sort of program, but it sounds like it might be of real benefit.

I'm sorry for all your losses, and wish you the best of luck finding someplace that your husband can heal....

[caro113]

Thanks for the ideas! I will definitely be looking into that for him.

He can talk to the grief or crisis counselor (I'm not sure which she is exactly) but he wasn't really comfortable talking to her. He also doesn't want to show his "weakness" at work. Like me, he pretends to be strong and pretends that these things don't bother him when they really truly do. I think he's worried that his superiors and colleagues will look at him differently if he seeks out counseling through work. And for some reason, I don't think this counselor is available for a therapy type session. I think she's just on call for when these incendents happen.

Honestly, this prison is sort of a joke. They are very relaxed to the point where it's almost not safe; they are the lowest paying prison in the state; they don't do psych tests before hiring; they don't even give the officers real badges, just fabric ones to sew on to their uniform shirts. DP takes his job very seriously, (he even bought a tin badge) especially since he used to work in tent city (Maricopa, AZ) and knows how a prison is supposed to work. (He also watches Cops and Locked up and Lock down and every other prison/cop show that exists.) He also wants to go into the USMS so he wants to make sure he gets a good recommendation. How this has anything to do with why he won't seek counseling through work is beyond me but he sites those reasons. He doesn't want to look "weak" or "like a failure" at work.

This is why I set out to find something that was outside of work. Because of all those reasons, yes, but also because a lot of his grief is from non-work related issues and it's probably best to have someone who isn't geared toward officers. He'll definitely go to someone when he get insurance in January but that's still a long ways away.

Anyhow, thank you again for the suggestion. I will definitely be looking into those options. Hopefully I'll find something. Thanks again!!

[34me]

Try your local county mental health dept. They often have free/sliding scale counseling. or call his HR (you don't have to give your name, I always just say my dh is an employee and I'm looking for such and such number) and see if they have an employee assistance program. I have used ours a couple differrent times and no one at work even knows about it.

[Susana]

I don't have any advice regarding the counseling question, but I just wanted to say that I think your husband is an angel for staying with the inmate and supporting him. That story brought me to tears I was so impressed by your hubby's courage. I hope he gets the help he needs soon.