6 year old boy playfully grabbing behinds...How to handle

[lbari]

My son has taken to playfully grabbing behinds (mine and others). He plays this game with his friends and cousins and they laugh. He has also done it to some of his friends moms who gently ask him to stop. He thinks it is terribly funny. The other day we had to visit a relative in the hospital and he started to do this with the home health aide (who he knows quite well). She did not ask him to stop (although I did and he did not, still thinking it was a game). In any case, my family is enraged that he touched the caregiver and they told me it was horribly inappropriate and that I am not stern enough. I am of two minds.. Although I realize this may be inappropriate with certain people, some friends and family simply shrug it off. Some even engage. I think he is being a mischievous boy (he was bored in the hospital and wanted to play). In any event. How do I help him stop doing this when inappropriate..I am looking for

1. Gentle ways for me to deal with this.

2. Wondering if this is truly awful behavior.

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for any insight, ideas.

[lilyka]

don't laugh. send a clear message that this is indeed not funny. when you talk to him be very serious. not mean but serious. Make a point of asking him to apologize to the person and if he will not then you need to apologize (if your child is grabbing peoples butts and you are not stopping it you owe them an apology). make sure he knows that most people do not like this. even for those who think it is cute once are sure to grow tired of it if quickly.

tell him that he may not touch other peoples butts. ever. that people do not like it. Tell him every time. if someone was touching my dd butt at school I would be MAD. if it happened more than once I would make a big deal out of it. she is 6 and in the first grade. It is innapropriate for her classmates to grab her butt. period. Luckily so far no one has gotten really upset but he is not a little tiny kid, this is not an accident and someone could get mad and make life uncomfortable for you. you really need to take this seriously. even if you don't care if he does it to you or others others might care and he is old enough that someone could make a big deal out of it.

if he refuses to keep his hands to himself I wold sit him on my lap, hold his hands, or just keep him right next to you. something that will keep him close enough for you to intercept hands the second they start to reach out.

make sure his hands have appropriate things to do until this passes. bring a game, keep him engaged etc so that he is too busy to start grabbing people. if boredom is one of the resaons he does it prevent boredom. just like if you let him know it is most certainly not funny he will stop doing it to get a laugh.

i would be offended if some kid (especially a six or seven year old. that is plenty old enough to learn this is not ok and you really should only have to tell him once or twice. of course a baby or toddler is one thing but I would say once they are verbal they shouldn't have any trouble understanding that this is not ok.) grabbed my butt or my childs (or really reached out and grabbed me anywhere). That is so rude.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

Originally Posted by lbari

My son has taken to playfully grabbing behinds (mine and others)...She did not ask him to stop (although I did and he did not, still thinking it was a game)...

The first thing that has to change is your attitude towards this behavior. It's not "playful", it's inappropriate. This woman is an employee of your family, she may have felt uncomfortable asking him to stop. In any case, the idea that an adult should have to ask a six year old to stop grabbing their behind is just odd.

Behinds are part of private areas. It's that simple. What would you say if he were grabbing women's breasts in a "playful" manner?

I would tell my son that I had made a mistake, that behinds are private and he is not to touch anyone's except his own. I would not care what his cousins or peers thought of it as that is not the point.

[heartmama]

When I say I think this behavior is within the range of normal, I am not saying it is acceptable. However, I have certainly seen other 6 year old boys experiment with the same kind of behavior, and remember my own son at 6 being spoken to (by me) once or twice for similar instances. One way you know it is immaturity and a need for clearer boundaries is that he doing it right out in the open--he is not being sneaky or trying to hide (which could be more complicated to address). He is trying to do something funny to get attention and needs to understand it is not acceptable. However, he is not trying to coerce or dominate anyone, and that is an important distinction.

I think the best response is a very serious and matter of fact attitude. First, talk to him privately about personal boundaries, and what kind of behavior is okay (asking to give someone a hug is okay) and what is not (slapping or grabbing their butt is not). REALLY reflect with him on this. Some children need it spelled out, especially extroverted, sociable kids. They love people, love attention, and need to know exactly how to engage without being offensive. So ask him for examples of what is not okay, and what is okay. Really help him understand what he CAN do to engage. He needs his energies directed constructively.

Then let him know what will happen if he does this again. Removal, apology, etc. Whatever you decide should be consistent. Consistency is very important in learning social rules at this age. "No slapping butts" is the rule, period, for everyone. Sure, in some countries, or in some families, or between some couples, it is not a big deal. That isn't the point. He thinks it is okay, and 99% of the time it will only get him in trouble, so remember that and make the rule consistent.

[Surfacing]

:

[Ruthla]

I think this is time to re-enforce the message of "you don't touch people unless they want to be touched, period." The ONLY exception is when it's a matter of safety (self defense, or grabbing somebody so they dont' run into the street and get hit by a car.) It's important to explain these exceptions so he understands you're not being inconsistent if you need to grab him or another child for safety reasons.

His friends and cousins love the game and play along with him. Therefore, it's OK to touch them like that, because they consent. But random friends' parents, the health aide, etc, do NOT consent, and it's a huge breech of personal boundaries for him to touch them like that. I think age 6 is old enough to understand the difference. The general rule is "if you're not sure if somebody wants to be touched, don't touch them."

He needs to learn that it's a BIG DEAL to touch somebody in ways they don't want to be touched- whether that's tickling, hugging, hand holding, or butt grabbing. I don't think you need to explain the sexual connotations of buttocks, but you can explain that "A lot more people are OK with hugs than are OK with having their butts touched, and some people get really, really upset when you touch their butts."

You might need to stop engaging in the game with him, make it a "it's OK to do that to children but not adults" rule for a while. Or maybe it can be as simple as "I don't want to play this game with you until you understand that it's not always appropriate." OTOH, he might be able to learn this limit without stopping the game with you. You know him best.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

There have been excellent, practical plans offered. The only thing I'm going to take exception with is this,

"...it's OK to do that to children but not adults" rule for a while..."

It's not ok to that to children. Children have just as much a right to expect that their bodies should be respected as adults.

I also think letting it go on with the cousins is unwise. This behavior should stop. That some children go along with it or even egg him on does not change that.

[mamazee]

I agree with what others said. And I'd take it as an opportunity to talk about "good touch bad touch" too. As in that is a pretty good example of an entry-level bad touch, like grooming behavior. So if someone's ever done it to him, you'd want to know, and that should give him some solid reasons why it's not OK to do to anyone else.

Good luck! It is normal, but it is important that he knows it's completely inappropriate, because there have been kids who have gotten into a ridiculous amount of trouble with schools and places like that over this kind of thing.

[JenBuckyfan]

I don't have any major suggestions other than what's already been posted about stopping the behavior. I keenly remember being in first grade and when we would sit on the floor in the front of the classroom there was one boy in the class who would touch the butts of myself and other girls in the class. To this day I can tell you nothing about the kid aside from this but I can tell you his name and that I can remember exactly how I felt when he did that. None of us (all embarrassed that it was happening to us) ever said anything to our parents or teacher and to this day I really regret not doing so. I don't care if he thought is was playful, it confused us and I considered him to be naughty and wanted nothing to do with him. Thank goodness his family moved away sometime that following year. I'm surprised at how mad is still makes me that he thought it was ok to do that!

The year before that, when I was in Kindergarten, me and a boy friend of mine were taking turns rolling from our butts onto our backs with our legs curled up. When we were on our backs, the one not rolling would slap the other in the behind. Our teacher immediately put a stop to it and we had to sit out the rest of play time and we never did that again!

Please stop your child from doing this before it becomes a larger issue at school or elsewhere.

[lbari]

Thanks everyone, especially Ruthla for the helpful ideas. I truly believe that it is in the realm of normal behavior however recognize that it was inappropriate in this context. Amongst his good friends I think it is completely fine. In fact it was his best friend, a girl, who started with him. He does not do this to random children or grownups, only those he feels close to so I am certain that he would not touch girls at school. For him it is a sign of affection of sorts. I plan on apologizing to the health aide and getting my son to make distinctions between those he can touch and those he can't. My family has refused to acknowledge that this is in the realm of normal behavior which is what has made me most frustrated about the incident.

[macro_grp02]

A serious conversation is what is really needed. More like an intervention for adults. He keeps on doing this because people are laughing. Talk to him. Tell him it's rude.

Another is to make him busy. Get him to paint or draw or play some games. Kids could sometimes forget some behavior and move on.

[oceanbaby]

Haven't read the replies . . .

We have dealt with this with my older son as well. It started out with just us, which was fine because we did it to him, but then he started doing it to others. I have had several talks with him about how it is entirely inappropriate, and that he needs to respect the privacy of other people's bodies. When I see him do it, I call him over and immediately remind him that it is not okay. I try to do it in a way as to not embarass him, but I am very quick to react. It is very important to me that he learn this.

I have never punished him, and I have tried to never shame him, but I am very firm and serious about it.

[WantRice]

In my experience as a teacher, 6 year old boys LOVE to do this to each other. They think it's hilarious. I have had many talks about the inappropriateness of touching each others bottoms. I think part of the problem is that kids receive a lot of mixed messages about playful butt slapping. Many parents playfully tap their kids butts. Many parents playfully pat each other on the tushy. And sports figures do it to each other all the time!