Almost 5 y.o. DD having second thoughts on weaning

[Tuckoo]

Hi,

My DD is turning five in October. She said she'd stop bf when she turned five, and we talked about it and she said she was sure. That was about six months ago.

Now, with her b-day fast approaching, she's having second thoughts. Some days I feel she's ready, other days I just can't imagine how she'd manage without it.

We'd talked and planned a special weaning party with just her, her dad and myself. She asked for a special present (which I've already bought) and special activities for the day.

I'm **REALLY** ready to wean. I've told her about my needs and how I'd be a much happier mom if I had some of my space back. She still nurses early in the morning and I kinda resent it. I haven't had a full night's sleep in five years and I was so eagerly awaiting the 5 y. o. mark.

However, if she really, really, needs it, I would go on for a while longer. I just can't determine if it's just a habit she can easily forget or if she honestly needs the closeness or whatever bf is giving her.

Both my dh's family and mine have serious allergies, so that was one of the reasons we planned on extended/exclusive bf-ing in the beginning. DD's been allergy-free so far (with the exception of some eczema that's cleared up). I have a nagging thought that, if I kind of impose the weaning process on her, I might be trumping her body's instinct to get as much protection from breast milk as possible, KWIM?

So, do I talk to her so we can set a new date? Do I just suck it up and wait it out? How do we compromise? Due to infertility and age, she'll most likely be an only child, so there is no pressure from younger siblings.

On a more trivial side, her weaning present is something I know she'll outgrow very soon. It was going to be THE weaning present, so I don't know what I'll do with it. Do I still give it to her, even if she doesn't wean?

I come from a very mainstream family, so no one knows we still bf and I don't like keeping a secret and making dd feel like it's something she shouldn't talk about.

I'm confused... Can you tell? LOL.

Thanks for any advice.

[laohaire]

No personal experience here - yet. DD is 4 and still nursing but I haven't talked to her about weaning. But I've been thinking about it.

My idea is - maybe she's scared of such a big decision. Like, maybe she'd be ok with it, but "forever" is a long time. What if you discussed it and agreed on a number of days to try weaning? Say, 4 or 5 days? And at the end of that time if she still felt like she needed it, then you guys could discuss it again.

I thought of that because that's how we transitioned DD to pooping in the potty. She was perfectly able to do so for quite a long time, but preferred to request a diaper instead for some reason. She would know she had to go, request a diaper, have it put on, go in it, have it removed and then go the rest of the day in underwear. Weird. She was willing to "try" pooping in the potty (into which she was peeing just fine for a long, long time already) just once, but then went right back to the diaper. I did not want to bribe her, and certainly didn't want to be in the habit of giving her candy or some awful thing every time she went, but I thought of the idea that if she went in the potty for 5 days in a row, she would get a toy that she wanted. I actually didn't specify in any way that this would be permenant, just the 5 days thing. And after 5 days she'd gotten over her diaper habit. She got her toy, and never asked for a diaper again. Anyway that's just one idea I had.

[Tuckoo]

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah, I hadn't realized the finality of the decision it might be making her nervous. I could try telling her that anything we decide won't be set in stone and see how she reacts. It's more like the natural pace of weaning anyway, right? First one day, some time afterwards another couple of days and so on.

I have to figure out how to present this plan to her. I know she will fuss at night and I have to have a plan so as not to give in because I fear that if I do it would pretty much end being the same as letting the process take it's natural course (but with fussing).

So I guess I will pretty much forget about the five year old mark, unless she brings it up again. I was looking forward to it, but maybe I can go a bit longer. It's just maybe that I don't like changing our agreement because of issues with respecting whatever we agreed we would be doing...

If anyone else has other suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

[ssh]

The nursing could be preventing the allergies.

[Tuckoo]

Yup, I know about the allergies. That just make it all the more difficult for me.

*sigh* I guess I have the answer right in front of me but I don't want to see it because I really wanted to wean.

It's not like I'm suffering through it, but I am soooo ready to sleep. YAWN.

[TiredX2]

Have you considered just moving the time DD nurses? It sounds like the early morning thing isn't working for you. I would consider explaining that and having her suggest alternate times. Could it be that she is actually hungry in the morning? Does she have the option of a snack instead?

As for the "she said when she turned 5"--- I'm guessing that 6 months ago, turning 5 seemed like a lifetime away, the same as "someday" for the rest of us. Not a *real* commitment. Now she sees that day coming up and that makes it much more real. Both of my kids thought they would wean at various ages and I definately did not hold them to it.

[pinky]

Originally Posted by TiredX2

Have you considered just moving the time DD nurses? It sounds like the early morning thing isn't working for you. I would consider explaining that and having her suggest alternate times. Could it be that she is actually hungry in the morning? Does she have the option of a snack instead?

I was going to suggest the same thing. It may be possible that by tweaking things, you won't feel so desperate to wean, and can let it unfold in its own time. It also be that cutting off the early morning nursing won't improve sleep for anyone--she may just be awake and cranky. Just something to keep in mind.

I think it's also likely that when she said "my fifth birthday" it seemed really far away. There are lots of reasons you may decide that it's time to wean, but sticking with the plan that your 4-year-old made doesn't seem like such a reasonable one.

If it's any consolation, I'm part of a community of many long-term nursers, and all the kids weaned before six. I realize some kids wean for longer, but the likelihood is that you're in the home stretch here. For me, there were many points at which I felt burned out with nursing or really ready to wean. By setting some limits or changing things around a little, I was able to keep going. And sometimes it seemed like my dd would NEVER be done. And then, all of a sudden, at 5.5, she was. And it's an amazing feeling to know that you've really let your child nurse until they're really ready to stop.

good luck!

[Penelope]

It sounds as if she's of two minds about weaning.

Could you float a test balloon for her - say that she doesn't have to wean, that you'll wean when she's ready, but that you'd like to try one day of her having a backrub and a snuggle instead of her morning nurse, and then she could nurse later in the day if she wanted to?

She might be expressing a readiness to be done nursing but an uncertainty re: losing that closeness and attention from you (which seems reasonable enough!)

[LianneM]

Originally Posted by TiredX2

As for the "she said when she turned 5"--- I'm guessing that 6 months ago, turning 5 seemed like a lifetime away, the same as "someday" for the rest of us. Not a *real* commitment. Now she sees that day coming up and that makes it much more real. Both of my kids thought they would wean at various ages and I definately did not hold them to it.

This is how my son approaches the idea too. He's 4.5, and whenever I bring up the idea of weaning, he says he definitely won't need milky anymore when he's _______ (insert whatever number seems really far away at the moment )

I'm sorry, I wish I had the answer for you. I'm starting to feel more and more like I'd like him to wean, but he is definitely not ready yet. Sometimes I think I feel I want him to wean just because it seems like he never will... but I know he will, eventually. It's extra hard because I have a 14mo who will still get to nurse after he's done, which seems totally unfair.

I like the idea of moving the time so you feel better about it

[Tuckoo]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. You're absolutely right about her notion of "turning 5", it must have sounded like a million years away. I think I'll let her continue and we'll come up with another plan. I already told her that, if she doesn't feel ready, we'll talk about doing it some other time, but we still haven't decided on what we'll be doing.

I don't think she's hungry in the mornings, it's just snuggle time... I'll try to negotiate something so I'm less annoyed by the early morning thing.

Thanks again! I'll update!