Senior Year Dilemma...need advice-Update post 21

[shayinme]

I need some thoughts/help. Backstory before I get to the problem, I have a 17 yo son from my first marriage, my son has lived with his Dad for a while though we have joint legal custody. I moved to Maine 7 years ago so we would all be in the same state to make life easier on all involved.

Two years ago my ex, got involved with and married a woman who is from Chicago ( I actually know his current wife, I went to grammar school with her but that is a different story). Anyway new wife decides she hates New England and wants to go back to the midwest, my son decided he wanted to spend time getting to know my remaining family and as a biracial kid in New England really wanted to live in an urban area.

So they move and settle in WI about an hour from Chicago, this move happened in my son's sophmore year of HS.

Now that I have given you the backstory we can get to the current issue. My son is slated to start his senior year next week, my son is senior class president, captain of the debate team, president of the thespian society plus he won a really prestigious award in WI. Considering I was a slacker in HS, its pretty amazing that I have this kid who takes school seriously.

What is the problem you ask? My son is not sure he wants to finish HS in WI, in fact he is thinking he wants to move back to Maine and finish here living with me. I have waited years to hear him say this, but my issue is this is his senior year of HS!!! He is already working on his college apps and has a lot on his plate as far as school.

The thing is even his Dad thinks he should finish school here because it will be less stressful for him, at the end of the school year my son was so stressed he had to start seeing a therapist. This summer he has been great, no need for therapy or meds to deal with his anxiety.

I gotta be honest if he was just a kid like I was in HS I would say come on but I know he wants and plans to go to college and the things he is involved in will help a ton. Should he move in with me, he would be attending a new school (he didn't attend this school before- his old school is not an option since when his Dad lived here we were in different towns).

My son just left to go back with the tentative plan that he will start the first day talk to his advisors and other teachers he trusts about this plan. He has asked me to contact the local HS to make sure he can get the honors/AP classes he is slated to have in WI.

I am confused because at 17.5 I don't want to lay down the law especially when he sees my house as the safe space where he is not pressured. (my ex is a taskmaster where I am a hippy who grew up and works in social services so I am pretty laid back..I believe in following ones bliss) The positives to moving here are that he has a great job available where he can pick his schedule and save a ton towards college. His best friend since 6th grade is an hour away and of course our family is here as well as his paternal grandparents who he is very close to.

I fear later in life he will regret walking away from the hard work and honors he has achieved to spend his senior year as the new kid.

His Dad feels he should be here, my son is strongly leaning towards it but I have yet to render a definite answer other than lets think about it...but school starts next week so there is not a ton of time to think.

Help a mama out! Parenting an almost adult is new territory for me!

Shay

[wondermama]

My gut response is to let him move -- he's probably aware that his "at home" years are coming to a close, and he wants to spend his last one with you.

It also sounds as if he was under a lot of pressure in his old school, and is probably looking to have a mellower year with his mellower mom!

If it were me, I'd explore with him what he's leaving behind, and realistically talk about what this may mean for his short-(and maybe long-)term future, just so you (and he) feel confident there won't be unexpected regrets.

But I'd trust that he'll succeed in a new way in his new school, and will launch off to college and the rest of his life with the foundation of a year of love and calm with his mom under his wings.

Best, best wishes to you both...

[purplegirl]

I also think that allowing him to determine what he feels is best, is optimal in this situation. Sure, he could later regret the decision, but it is his to live with. I don't know your son, but the little I have been able to glean about him, is that he is very bright and has pretty good judgement for a kid his age. I agree with the pp that perhaps he is looking for a less stressful year and that while he has accomplished a lot, maybe he just needs simplicity. It is not likely to affect his college acceptances as he has a proven track record.
Talk, talk, talk to him however the ultimate decision should be his. Best of luck as he transitions from being a kid to a wonderful adult!

[AndrewsMother]

Can he obtain letters of reccommendation from his teachers in WI? If so, I don't think that it will matter where he goes during his senior year. He can participate in activites during his senior year, but strong letters of reccommendations from teachers who know him and his GPA are what is going to matter most. If he were an athlete hoping to obtain a scholarship, a move would hurt his chances, but strong academics will reflect on his transcript no matter where he lives.

It is common practice in my TX and in GA for private school students who attend competitive schools to transfer to their local public schools so that they will be at the top of the class and earn more scholarships. The scenarios for moving are different, but the anticipated results are the same.

[shayinme]

He is planning to get letters of recommedation from his teachers in WI, it was part of why he wanted to still leave today. So that he can wrap up loose ends if he makes the final decision to come back. His thinking is pretty much that while yes he won't be able to end senior year doing those things the acheivements are still there and with a few of schools he is applying to for college the deadlines are Oct/Nov so he is feels its less relavent where he is for senior year. He also has an interview with one of the schools in a few days so he had to go back anyway.

The only activity he is concerned about is theatre, at his current school, the shows are cast the previous year and he has the lead in the next show. He still wants to be active in theatre which is one of many issues I will be discussing with our local school. Though we also dicussed that he could just as well get involved with the community theatre if school theatre is not an option.

Funny thing is in WI he goes to public school, here it would be private school as out town does not have a public school. So kids who live here attend the private school in town which is a prep school but they get to go for free.

Thanks for the advice, as someone who made some bad decisions my senior year I just am worried that years later he will have regrets. At the same time I want to allow him the freedom to make the choices that he is most comfortable with.

I tell you its so much easier when they are younger.

[SeekingJoy]

Will a move now affect in-state college tuition? Will that even matter financially to him/you?

[CarrieMF]

IMO if he wants to move let him move in with you. Most kids that age do NOT want to leave in their last year & for him to bring it up there must be very strong reasons for him wanting to do it.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by SeekingJoy

Will a move now affect in-state college tuition? Will that even matter financially to him/you?

Its a huge issue, we are a working class family, heck my own student loans won't be paid off until I am in my 60's so yeah money is an issue. The UW system IMO is better UMaine system and because of the awards he has won in WI, he wouldn't have any problem getting into a UW school and its cheaper than school here in Maine.

I agree that it is a big issue for him to make this decision now though like I said earlier his closet friends are actually still here in New England since he has only been in WI 2 years.

Keep the advice and thoughts rolling

[rootzdawta]

I think for someone to be actually willing to transfer schools in senior year is really really huge. Most teenagers would not be willing to start fresh so late in the game especially if they've been successful where they are. I know I wouldn't have been confident enough to feel like I could make a go of fitting in and getting comfortable again if I started at a new school for senior year. But your son sounds really confident and self-assured--like he feels he can make it anywhere/make it work. I'd say give it a little time and talk a lot about it. From what I remember, the most important year when it came to college stuff is junior year anyway and he did a fantastic job his junior year. As long as he can get letters of recommendation from his current school and be able to explain eloquently why he decided to switch schools (which actually would make for a great college app letter), I think it will be okay. I also think, like a pp said . . . maybe he just wants simplicity, peace and to be "at home". But most of all, I think I'd let him just because it really is not commonplace to want to switch schools so late in the game. You son really does sound thoughtful and so the reasons must be legitimate.

As for state college, don't you need a year of residency to qualify for in-state tuition? Or does that vary state to state?

[SeekingJoy]

Would he qualify for residency in the UM system? UW? Neither? He will likely qualify for the most financial aid if he applies this year/senior year as an incoming freshman and doesn't have to wait a year just to establish residency.

As for alternative solutions, there is a difference between wanting away from his dad and wanting to live with you. Are there other ways he could satisfy whichever need he has? For example, could he stay in WI but with friends? Live independently (an apartment for 6-9 months would be cheaper than out of state tuition for 4 years)? Could he finish the application process in WI and then spend the second half of the school year with you?

[russsk]

I would let him move. High school wasn't that long ago for me, but I don't really look back on my accomplishments then as very important. As long as he doesn't completely slack off senior year, I don't think the move will much matter as far as colleges are concerned. He can still list those activities on his applications, and get his recommendations from WI. It sounds like he really needs a break from the pressure before he goes to college, and that's far more important in my book than clubs and after-school activities.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by SeekingJoy

Would he qualify for residency in the UM system? UW? Neither? He will likely qualify for the most financial aid if he applies this year/senior year as an incoming freshman and doesn't have to wait a year just to establish residency.

As for alternative solutions, there is a difference between wanting away from his dad and wanting to live with you. Are there other ways he could satisfy whichever need he has? For example, could he stay in WI but with friends? Live independently (an apartment for 6-9 months would be cheaper than out of state tuition for 4 years)? Could he finish the application process in WI and then spend the second half of the school year with you?

He doesn't care a great deal for WI, like I said earlier he has only been there 2 years and while he tried to give it a chance he says he misses the vibe here in New England.

We have talked about starting his apps now and then moving back here. As for the college cost thing, sadly the state schools are not his first choices they are his last choice schools. So while its an issue I guess I should not worry too much.

Overall yes he is a pretty confident kid, he has moved alot because of the legal situation between his Dad & I so he has no fear or concerns about being the new kid. He has been to 13 different schools since he started school in kindergarten (I know that sounds bad and I don't want to get into that) so for him it means nothing.

I think right now he seems happy that for the first time since he was 6-7 his parents are not aruging over where he lives and with whom and that the choice is his. I need to trust him and that it will all work out. As I joke with him the fact that he has overcome the obstacles he has to acheive what he has is no small feat so maybe a peaceful senior year would be the best thing.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by shayinme

Overall yes he is a pretty confident kid, he has moved alot because of the legal situation between his Dad & I so he has no fear or concerns about being the new kid. He has been to 13 different schools since he started school in kindergarten (I know that sounds bad and I don't want to get into that) so for him it means nothing.

I think right now he seems happy that for the first time since he was 6-7 his parents are not aruging over where he lives and with whom and that the choice is his. I need to trust him and that it will all work out. As I joke with him the fact that he has overcome the obstacles he has to acheive what he has is no small feat so maybe a peaceful senior year would be the best thing.

Just wanted to comment - we've moved a lot over my children's lifetimes (although always as a traditional nuclear family unit), and even when we were living in one place for awhile, they've changed schools to access special programs. By the time he finishes high school in 2 years, ds will have attended 10 schools. It does sound bad. I once worried a lot about it, but I've discovered that it's been a really good thing for them - they are very confident in new situations, make friends easily and are able to converse easily with just about anyone - adults, kids their own age, smaller children. I wish they had more stability, but I think frequent moves have helped with their flexibility and adaptability.

I think you should trust him to make the decision. If finances are a factor, has he considered a gap year. It's very popular in other countries. I think it's great to have a year between high school and university to allow for some new experiences, travel, work - a chance to mature a little before heading off to more schooling.

Best wishes.

[philomom]

Honestly, I think he'd be better off staying put. Maybe he can attend college near you.

[Barbamama]

Shaye, I'll admit that I haven't read every post as carefully as I should, and could well be missing something, but I don't see how his move would diminish his achieviements to date. Happier is always better, in my book.

FWIW, I went to college after my junior year in HS, my college didn't care that I'd not dotted my Is and crossed my Ts; I applied on the basis of my sophomore transcript. Not that this is his path, but I think that college admissions folks (at least 20+ yrs ago) consider more than what and where junior, senior year were, and look to the whole person.

[Jannah6]

The thing that stands out most for me is this "at the end of the school year my son was so stressed he had to start seeing a therapist. This summer he has been great, no need for therapy or meds to deal with his anxiety."
If living with you is going to be less stressful, then I think he should atay with you.

As for college, I agree with the PP who have said that your DS should be able to get letters of recommendation from teachers/advisors in WI. In any case, whatever he has done in school will be on his transcript, right?

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

Just wanted to comment - we've moved a lot over my children's lifetimes (although always as a traditional nuclear family unit), and even when we were living in one place for awhile, they've changed schools to access special programs. By the time he finishes high school in 2 years, ds will have attended 10 schools. It does sound bad. I once worried a lot about it, but I've discovered that it's been a really good thing for them - they are very confident in new situations, make friends easily and are able to converse easily with just about anyone - adults, kids their own age, smaller children. I wish they had more stability, but I think frequent moves have helped with their flexibility and adaptability.

I think you should trust him to make the decision. If finances are a factor, has he considered a gap year. It's very popular in other countries. I think it's great to have a year between high school and university to allow for some new experiences, travel, work - a chance to mature a little before heading off to more schooling.

Best wishes.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I do think because he has been in so many schools its part of why he has no fear or trepidation about starting over in his senior year. He has stated at this point he feels he has done all he needed and really is just looking forward to college. Living with me pretty much allows that to happen, he would take his classes yet he can relax and not have his hands in so many pots. Last year he often was up to 1-2 am because after school he had play rehearsals, meetings, etc so he would get home by 10 and still have to stay up for homework. It was a crazy schedule.

If he comes here he would be out of school by 1pm, he can still still work (its catering so jobs are not every day) but also relax. He also has a 4 yo sister here who he adores and she would love if he were here all the time.

Originally Posted by philomom

Honestly, I think he'd be better off staying put. Maybe he can attend college near you.

Well that was the plan, most of the colleges he is look at are on the east coast or in New England...his #1 choice is in VT.

Originally Posted by Barbamama

Shaye, I'll admit that I haven't read every post as carefully as I should, and could well be missing something, but I don't see how his move would diminish his achieviements to date. Happier is always better, in my book.

FWIW, I went to college after my junior year in HS, my college didn't care that I'd not dotted my Is and crossed my Ts; I applied on the basis of my sophomore transcript. Not that this is his path, but I think that college admissions folks (at least 20+ yrs ago) consider more than what and where junior, senior year were, and look to the whole person.

This is what I am hoping that the schools will look at the whole person and see that despite a rather untraditional upbringing that he has excelled.

Originally Posted by Jannah6

The thing that stands out most for me is this "at the end of the school year my son was so stressed he had to start seeing a therapist. This summer he has been great, no need for therapy or meds to deal with his anxiety."
If living with you is going to be less stressful, then I think he should atay with you.

As for college, I agree with the PP who have said that your DS should be able to get letters of recommendation from teachers/advisors in WI. In any case, whatever he has done in school will be on his transcript, right?

The fact that he was so stressed he needed therapy is pretty much the biggest reason his father feels he would be better off here with me...my ex is a difficult man and for him to realize this speaks volumes. Our legal battles over ds were something out of a movie, not pretty at all.

Right now he is back in WI, says he still wants to come back but will start school next week and make a decision by the end of next week. I have told him I will support whatever choice he makes though I have been more vocal in saying maybe he should come back here.

Shay

[Dar]

He sounds like an amazing kid who has his head on straight, and that's pretty unusual for a 17 year old boy. I'd support him in his decision... which it sonds like you're doing.

[ErikaDP]

Hi Shay,

Speaking as someone whose son came to live in NE his senior year in HS after spending 3 years in a performing arts HS in Seattle(where he was an actor/dancer/singer in HS productions as well as in professional productions), I can tell you from my experience that my advice would be to let him come to live with you if that is what he chooses.
My son could have stayed in Seattle with his grandparents, but he wanted to be with us for his last year of HS(my DH's job change had us moving to CT his junior year). And at first, I thought that it would be best for him to stay in Seattle because of all of the reasons that you listed. But then, I reminded myself what my ultimate goal is as a parent: to raise a confident, well grounded, loving and capable adult who can take charge of his life.
So in the end, he decided to move to CT to be with us.
And it didn't diminish his college choices, as a matter of fact, I think that it strengthened them because he had much more confidance in what he wanted for himself. He ended up going to a great small college in Boston and is now a working professional actor.
I hope that my story helps you to help your son with his decision.
And what ever he decides to do, just be there to love and support his choice.

*..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Peace, Love & Light!-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*

Take Care,
Erika(I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!):

[oyinmama]

shay - your son sounds amazing. i ditto a lot of what was said here: it sounds like he's really REALLY thinking this through and supporting him in his ultimate choice, while it may be somewhat difficult and an exercise in 'letting go' - sounds like a valuable lesson for you both. you'll get to spend valuable time together as he matures and gets ready to leave the nest; he'll get to experience the joy and responsibility of shaping his own life through his choices, while also having the security and comfort of his parents concern and advice. lovely!