Fear and Superstition

[Cajunmomma]

I have a problem that I don't really know how to solve, and I think I just want to talk about it (although I am interested in any advice that might be out there). I was born and raised Catholic. About 14 years ago I went through a stage of extremely fundamentalist Catholicism (most Catholics know what I mean) and came out of it about 6 years ago. I have spent a substantial amount of time trying to search out my real thoughts and beliefs and have made some progress.

My real problem is this: I now realize that almost everything in my past spiritual life has been based in fear and superstition. There was absolutely nothing in it about the love of God or His love for me. Don't get me wrong; I can talk the best game in town. I can sound like the most devoted person you've ever met--I can argue theology with the best of them. My "faith" was entirely in my head, supported by huge amounts of terror. I can't get beyond that.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[hrsmom]

Yes, I have felt like this! I think the fact that you're realizing it is very significant. I just read something about this not too long ago, something like on each stage of our journey we are where we are supposed to be. Even if it's just us being insecure or afraid, that's where we are at that time, and it's ok. I'm sure I'll think of things to say to you tonight at least once during the night so I'll check back in the morning!

[Aubergine68]

I think I know what you mean.

I converted to Catholicism as an adult, for family reasons (married a Catholic man) and for spiritual ones. I wasn't seeking it, and was surprised by it, but in powerful personal spiritual experiences I had, the figures that had spiritual meaning for me were Jesus and the Virgin Mary.

One of the things I love about Catholicism is the beauty of the rituals, the liturgy, the sacraments, the prayers, the traditions. But I find myself prone to superstition in following them, the feeling that if I make a mistake or leave something out or don't do it every time the same way, I will fail/fall.

Sometimes, trying to follow the more perfect, more orthodox practice makes me feel closer to God, but often (for me) it leads me to the fear and despair at the impossibility of perfection. Which I agree, is not what all this should be about.

I also feel that any kind of absolute resolution, anything I tell myself I have to perform perfectly, is unhealthy for me- in diet, education, parenting, all areas of my life besides religion. I strive for rhythm now, not ritual.

[Cajunmomma]

Kimberly, I agree with what you said. I know that I'm at the right place for me, and I am trying to be comfortable with where I am. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be, and I'm learning to accept that.

Aubergine, what you say really resonates with me. Maybe it is part of the Catholic mystique that lends itself to the feelings that I have. I've always felt that the Catholic church understood a part of humankind that a lot of religions didn't--the need for mystery and ritual. But the delicate balance that needs to exist so that it doesn't become a matter of saying the right number of prayers in the right order without having to have the right intention behind them hasn't been there for me for a long time, if ever.

I've found that there traditions that I understand so much better than I ever have Catholicism--not that the teachings are very different, but the way they are explained is so much clearer to me. I know that I sound like an idiot, but I wonder if God doesn't care about that. I know people who would rather be bored and confused than turn outside the Catholic church for understanding because they believe that God doesn't care about your heart beyond your willingness to blindly follow the rules. So I wonder if my search for a place where I can comprehend what I am doing isn't going to condemn me.

Just talking about this brings up all the fears of hell and condemnation that I have.

[hrsmom]

Hi Cajunmomma- I also have found explanations from other faith traditions that make a lot of sense to me. I think that's OK! I do believe God is OK with that!

oh, gotta go!

ETA- I always have found comfort in Romans 8:1 -no condemnation! and all of Romans 8, actually. I love how at the end of Romans 7 Paul writes about the struggles we all have, and to me Romans 8 is like an explosion of relief!

[EnviroBecca]

Pray for guidance. Tell God you want to trust him instead of fearing him, and ask for his help. This article about anger, anxiety, and trusting God might be helpful to you.