My 12 year old lying machine :(

[cera]

My 12 yr old ds has always caused me some sort of grief in one way or another but most of it was school related and we realized that he just might be one of those kids not meant for public school and have since decided to homeschool him this upcoming year. A little scared but I know it is the right decision for him. Aside from those issues he has always been a good, respectful and trust worthy kid, the one thing I could always count on was him being truthful. This past year or so though he just lies, lies, lies. He was having the usual problems in school and he kept lying, we stupidly believed him every time. This went on about every little thing all year from big to small, the last straw was when I found out he was stealing money out of my wallet. I am a little scatterbrained due to lack of sleep and don't often carry money on me and at first I just kept thinking maybe I didn't have that much money, maybe I spent it.....until a few incidences came up where I was 100% sure how much money I had and knew it was missing. The whole time my dh told me it was ds but I wouldn't believe it. I even asked him and he said no and still kept taking my money. Then one day I told him I had him on tape and he fessed up. I was shocked!! I was even more shocked when I told him I wanted to know how long he had been stealing from me and how much money he took. He said he stole almost $300 from me!!!!!!!! and spent it all on candy before school everyday at the local gas station! I took him to the gas station with a sign and picture of him stating that he steals from his mother and not to sell anything to him and then took him to the police station for a talking to and the police officer did talk to him but basically said it was probably my fault. :/ He has since been working to pay me back and has earned his privileges back, my bitterness towards him has finally dissipated and everyone was healing. The lying stopped. The excitement over homeschooling and being able to make his own learning choices has brought out my sweet boy again with a lust for life and interest for learning. Things were looking up. Then today we found out that he has been sneaking on my dh's work laptop while no one is home and playing video games, which might not be that big of a deal but when asked, he just lied. Flat out lied, pretended to be shocked and even had claimed to have never even seen the website before. Dh was upset that he would go on the computer without permission, especially his work pc but he was more upset about the lying and not just a lie, it was a whole show. I realize that it may not seem like that big of a deal to some but it's just the whole lying issue. If he were to have phoned one of us and asked we most likely would have said yes and when he was asked if he had just said yes he was on it, that most likely would have been the end of it. I feel the bitterness returning and our homeschool year starts in a week or two and I went from looking forward and being excited to not wanting to spend the day with a disrespectful liar. It feels so hard to go out of my way to make sure he has a fun great day when he has no respect for me or his father. I feel so stupid for always believing him and always assuming the best of him. It seems I always take his side when he is lying and I feel so dumb and almost used. I don't really know what I am looking for by posting this here. I just feel so done. I am now dreading the upcoming weeks, I just feel so hurt, I can't even look at him right now.

[journeymom]

[chiromamma]

BTDT. Lyingg and stealing are hard to deal with.
One thing I learned...if you know he played the video games and he knows he's caught, don't try to force a confession.
I participated in an exercise with a parenting class where we held toy guns to eachother's heads and said, "OK, you took the cookie, I know you took the cookie. Just fess up." This is what it's like for a kid being forced to confess something you KNOW he did and he knows you know.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

Your child was chronically lying and stopped. Now you've caught him in one lie and "...I just feel so hurt, I can't even look at him right now."

Here's the bad news, all kids lie from time to time. Just like adults.

But the good news is that it is normal and so long as it does not become chronic, then it's really not a problem. If it does become chronic, as it did with my son for a period of time, then get into counseling.

I highly encourage you to forgive your child or at least look at him. Then come up with a developmentally appropriate consequence. Just imagine how it would feel if you broke a bad habit, slipped and then the people most important to you treated you as if you'd never changed at all.

We all need more forgiveness than judgement, especially children.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

I participated in an exercise with a parenting class where we held toy guns to eachother's heads and said, "OK, you took the cookie, I know you took the cookie. Just fess up." This is what it's like for a kid being forced to confess something you KNOW he did and he knows you know.

I do this type of thing with my 7 yr old. I've never been told to do it, just started doing it on my own. It does work. She is notorious for lying to me about the smallest thigns for no reason at all. I can't stand it and I'm trying to get her out of this while she is young.

[nic.cox]

Yuck. This is such a terrible feeling to carry. My son (11) did it for a while too and it really made me feel like I was a horrible parent.

He did some of the same things you mentioned - said he wasn't on the computer but the History showed otherwise. Said he wasn't watching TV when we weren't home but when we turned on the TV after work it was on Nick JR. The final straw came when he started doing poorly in school on a topic he was having trouble with and he signed MY name to a notice sent home saying he failed a test and assignment. Not just lying to his teacher, but forgery too!

His reasoning was that he really wanted to do those thing (TV/PC) but knew he wasn't allowed, and signed my name because he didn't want me to be mad that he did poorly. When asked why he did poorly, he said it was because he was spending his time sneaking electronics. Sheesh. Talk about misguided intentions.

What we did, was brought out a calendar for him, and made a deal together as a family that went like this. We identified things that he enjoyed doing, like playing on the PC/Xbox and watching TV, and said that each time he was caught lying, he would lose those privileges for a day. Each consecutive time we caught him in a lie the punishment would double. There would be no lectures anymore, no getting mad or upset, we'd just mark off the days on the calendar and the only thing he could do those days was play outside, or read/draw at the dining room table.

A month ago now he completed a 16 week "unplugged" session and has been "clean" since (*knock on wood*). I don't know if it passed because he grew up a bit, or because an entire summer break without electronics was harder than telling the truth, but so far so good.

Good luck. Thankfully, they're only pre-teens once.

[SkippySue]

Nic.Cox, I am in awe. Absolutely astounding.

[littleteapot]

Originally Posted by nic.cox

A month ago now he completed a 16 week "unplugged" session and has been "clean" since (*knock on wood*). I don't know if it passed because he grew up a bit, or because an entire summer break without electronics was harder than telling the truth, but so far so good.

Nothing but applause here. Way to stick to your rules. WOW!