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Story of Aedan Bret- hosp. transfer-with pictures - Page 2

post #21 of 30
Oh momma. I second what a lot of the PPs have said. You brought a healthy babe into the world, and dealt with a lot of hardships to do it. You have achieved something wonderful.

From everything I've heard, first babes are especially hard.

To throw my $0.02 in, I think a lot of what made your experience hard was positioning (although lack of support didn't help.) Know that first time babies come on AVERAGE 41w1d? That's when there isn't induction involved. So you weren't nearly as late or post-dates as you thought.

My twins didn't want to come out either, and I also brought them on with herbs and castor oil. I think that's why my labor was so long and hard. Since the presenting babe didn't get to choose her time, she wasn't positioned right. She was "sunny-side up" and had a lot of work to do to make it out. I think something like that happened with your son.

Man, do I know we can't always wait for babes, for one reason or another. But if I'm lucky enough to have a second birth, I hope it comes on spontaneously. I've got a feeling things will go much better. For you too.

Til then, enjoy new motherhood. Cuddle that boy!
post #22 of 30
i never discount a woman's birth experience... you never know what labor will be like until you are in it... for a lucky few it isn't as painful as they feared... for a lot of women it is definitely way more painful than they imagined it would be.
next time may i suggest reading and seriously doing the homework in Birthing from Within... try the Hypnobirthing again but remember it only helps if you practice it religiously... honor what you need to make it not bring up the first birth.
your son will never know how scary and intense and painful it was for you and hopefully with time you can tell him about it without letting him know how unbearable the labor was.
i think a LOT of women have post traumatic stress disorder from their birth experince whether it was natural epidural vaginal csection or whatever. it is OK to love your child yet still have sad and angry emotions about the birth. the two are not the same. and we need to honor that.
stepping off soapbox now...
ps don't worry about gestational diabetes etc there is nothing you can do to go back in time and change your diet..just consider yourself forewarned and forearmed so if you get pg again you can be very careful with what you eat.
post #23 of 30
I haven't posted in a long time, but I wanted to respond to your post. (I agree with the other posters).

first- you are NOT a failure- banish that thought now! Just tell it to go away. You may not have had the birth you wanted (I am not saying "at least you got a healthy babe, etc"...) i don't want you to think i am discounting your feelings. NOT AT ALL. I sensed a lot of anger from you, about the situation, and disappointment, etc. this is normal, and it is ok. But like others said, if you do not learn something from it, that is what becomes your failure. And I think you have ALREADY learned so much about your body and yourself so you have not failed. just for the record, my first birth didn't go as I planned either. (i will get to it in a bit). you are already eons ahead of me, and so many others- planning a home birth, and almost having one! I wanted a midwife with my first, but my husband wanted me to have an OB, because he was worried insurance wouldn't pay etc. (Several months after his birth I found out that midwives who birth in hospitals were covered, and I will get to that too.) So, you are worlds ahead...and should you ever decide you do want to have another beautiful baby, you will be prepared, and I do not think you will "give up". I was really sad for you when you wrote that you gave up. I know sort of how it feels, even though i didn't plan a home birth, i felt like i "gave up" when I had my first son and agreed to pitocin and then when the pain from back labor got so intense i decided to have IV drugs, and i wasn't listening to my husband telling me to walk around or change positions...i didn't have support because my OB was out of town. Then I 'had" to have an episiotomy they said. Then I agreed to AROM (BREAKING MY WATER) at 7 cm I think....everything turned out ok, but it didn't go how I wanted it to, and after the birth i vowed NEVER to have pitocin again if i could help it. They also had me holding my breath during pushes and it was aWFUL !So I searched of ways to deal with back labor and I found great midwives who did hospital births and water births. I got pregnant again when my first DS was 1- exactly. LOL So I KNEW when his labor came on I would be ready. I said- BRING IT. And I had a great drug free WATER BIRTH in the hospital! It was not pain free by any means- but getting in the water took my labor intensity from close to 10, down to a 4-5 or so- during transition! I got to the hospital about 1 hour before I had him. I was at 8 cm and I didn't think I was that far!

fast forward to my 3rd- he was my largest baby, but i didn't know it. his labor started much like my 2nd. very sporadic contrax and then all of a sudden they were regular, my plug started coming out and I had to get on my hands and knees(like with my 2nd). I got to the hospital and it was almost deja vu- i was checked, and 8 cm again! I would have said I was a 5, maybe a 6 cm. I think they broke my water because he was still high, but my water was bulging and the MW was worried about cord prolapse. My second baby was the only one that I had the water break on its own. so i got in the tub and then labor was so much easier, even with the back labor. I always get it, it just is how it is. LOL I allso puked before i got in the tub- which was a good thing. So I sat on the toilet for a bit, because I thought I had to go- then I thought I was going to have the baby on the toilet. haha After what seemed like a long time, and having the mw push a cervical lip down (which hurts like a b^tch) during contractions, he was born- 8 lbs 15.6 oz....about 2 hours after I entered the hospital.

My fourth was also a water birth in the hospital and the labor was a bit different at the beginning- I woke up at 5:30 am with such bad indigestion I thought i was going to throw up. that was new. I started having back cramps that felt like menstrual cramps...and dh and I did some baby dancing, because I thought, well, if this is the real thing, it will help, right? So I did my Hypnobirthing thing for awhile. I also had to make breakfast for the family. It wasn't too bad at that point, just some minor contrax...or surges... later, around noon i decided to call the mw. i got a cal about 12:30 from the DR and he said to go to the hospital and they'd check me. I totally didn't feel ready at that point. i knew they were getting more intense but not horrible and i thought if i went then, they'd send me home! Well- at 1pm (only half an hour later) I went to pee and my plug was starting to come out. (that is when i decide to go to the hospital lol) My husband said- well we better get going! He actually remembered the Hypnobirth teacher say that is when you should definitely go...I forgot that part. I still felt like it was too early. We had my sister come to be with the kids, and i grabbed my stuff and we left. everything was much calmer with my fourth baby- and it was day time- a new thing for me since the boys were born either late in the evening (10:40pm) or early am (3 am and almost 6 am). So that was weird too. We finally left, got there at 3:30. the admissions had me sign some stuff and i had what felt like light contractions and i was really thinking they would tell me to walk at the park across the street or something. the nurse checked me (and she was so cool and a natural birth supporter!) and she said- you are at a stretchy 8. HMMMMM, again???? My mw was called, they filled the tub...the mw was surprised it was me. She had just gotten home from the zoo with her son and they were about to take a nap...she broke my water, since again, the bag was bulging but she was still high. I felt no pain in my tummy- all the contrax and "pain" were in my back, like the baby was trying to come out of my back. to keep it short, after I screamed I can't do it- then boom- I start pushing and moaning. i told myself to let her come out and my body just went OK. I pushed about 3 times, felt her head, her body, and I CAUGHT my first baby Girl (after 3 boys). I hadn't caught any of them so it was so neat- it happened so fast. She was born at 4:40 pm- about 1 hour after I got to the hospital- and it was about a 3 hour labor (not counting the prelabor.) My second birth was 4 hours, 3rd was 5 hours. my first was about 8-10 hours. I also did not tear with her, because I think I let her come out and panted or something during the rests but kept the pressure down there.

So- I just wanted to quickly share my experiences, because even though my first birth was not how i wanted it to be, i learned so much from it. I think you can too, and i think you already did- plus you had support for a homebirth from your dh. finding good midwives is good though. i think you do need support. And to tell yourself that you can do it.

I also second, third, fourth the suggestion to read the Birthing from Within book. I have it, and it was such a great book to read. It is empowering. Birth is empowering. You did it, even if you feel like something was not right. And your little guy is adorable. You still gave birth. Birth is totally intense, no matter how many times you go through it.

I came here to read birth stories because I am gearing up for #5 (unplanned but totally ok!) and I plan a water birth. I am still learning, and i learned something from each birth. it also helps to envision how you want it to be, but also have a realistic expectation that sometimes unforseen things happen. I don;t want a cesearean, but if there is no other choice, or if the baby is in medical distress or something, I would do it. Sometimes things happen that we cannot control. Most of the time, our bodies can birth babies because that is how we were made. I had a mantra during each surge- i envisioned my cervix opening like a flower, getting bigger and bigger. I also turn so inward during labor at the end i am hardly aware of things.

hopefully you can heal yourself, get over the feelings in time, and have a wonderful home birth.
post #24 of 30
Be gentle with yourself, mama! You are NOT a failure! You had an extreme lack of support! I had much the same problem, I couldn't get dh to agree to a homebirth, so I knew I would be birthing in a hospital. I wanted an unmedicated birth, natural spontanious beginning to labor, the works. I had to be induced at 41w1d because of gestational diabetes. I was 4cm when I was admitted, the pitocin was started at 6:30-7am, dh wasn't very helpful, and the nurses didn't do much to help make me more comfortable. I asked for some pain meds to be put in my IV, by the time the nurse got back I wanted an epidural. They didn't have time to get me one, but I cried so much after asking for one. I kept saying "I don't want this, but I can't take the pain anymore" over and over. I kept telling dh I was a failure, beating myself up because I couldn't take the pain anymore. Ds2 was born at 9:44am, drug free... but only barely. I would have taken an epidural had he not decided to push his way out right when he did.
post #25 of 30
Thread Starter 
yes, now looking back I'm quite sure I would have been able to have a happy home birth if it wasn't for the "mexican herbs". I don't blame myself anymore for transferring. Not to mention after they gave me pitocin after I was already having induced labor from the "herbs", its no wonder I was in so much pain. my labor was going unnaturally fast to begin with and then they heap that on top of it, and man.. I just feel so sorry for myself. I'm pretty sure that my next labor will not be as bad as this no matter what happens, but it wont be until then that I will really feel emotionally healed from all this. Thank you for all your support, you have aided in my healing so much!
post #26 of 30
I didn't read anyone else's comments...

I just wanted to say, you are not a failure. Any woman who gives birth, no matter the way, is awesome! You brought another human into this world. You did it. Maybe it wasn't in the particular place you wanted to be..but you did it. That is totally wonderous!

Please don't beat yourself up, you have a wonderfully sweet and cute son who is looking up to you everyday with those blue eyes...very handsome!
post #27 of 30
I think you were very brave, thank you for posting your birth story. I think you did everything right. You tried a homebirth, and when the pain was unbearable, you took care of yourself the best way you knew how,by going to the hospital. You successfully birthed your beautiful son, Congraduations...
post #28 of 30
You did wonderful, mama.

I also felt like a total failure after my first baby's birth. I too dilated to 8 very quickly and then got STUCK in transition. I got to 8 cm in 4 hours, but babe wasn't born until 19 hours. I remember feeling horribly out of control and like the pain would never ever stop. I "chickened out" and got the anesthesia....and my little boy was born 20 minutes later. I went through the "if only I had known I only had 20 minutes to go" thing for almost a year after his birth. Now I know that I was just tired, and that a lot of the hospital procedures, including the attitudes of the nurses, interfered with my ability to relax.

I did TONS of mental self-coaching before my second birth. I did relaxation and mantras every night while I was going to sleep. I told myself that anything would be easier than my first labor. If it was even 1 hour shorter it would be easier. I told myself that my body was amazing and built to do this OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. And I found myself a great midwife who made me feel great about my ability and my baby's ability to birth naturally. When I finally went into labor at 5:30 AM, I was so positive I could do this the way I wanted! And my baby was born the way that worked best for us only 6 hours later.

One thing my midwife told me that helped a lot with the stress about when the baby will come is that every woman "cooks" a baby in about the same time. Both my babes were born a day before my due date. Now you know that you may have a wait, and you can accept that and try not to stress about it.

I also recommend some counseling if you feel like you can't get over the feelings of failure and guilt. They are very real and can seriously affect your relationship with your baby and your ability to mother confidently.

Hugs to you. You did it!

ETA: You mentioned that you will not feel healed until your next birth. I worked on healing a lot before my second, but I found that second birth to be totally life affirming and empowering to me. It totally wiped away all the trauma from the first birth, even though I had worked so hard to get over it already.
post #29 of 30
Hugs and prayers for healing
post #30 of 30

I couldn't read and not respond. I only have my own experiences to give but I also had a long and medicated first childbirth. It was a long recovery process as well ( Oh, it was reallly hard) and for a while after I had him, I too, would cringe when talking about my epidural and hospital birth. I had been talking about my birth plan for many months before I had him, and our friends and town were/are really "crunchy." I left a play group almost in tears a time or two.

And then.. I did get pregnant again and had a completely different birth the second time around. I did it the way I always hope to, and then came full circle and can now look back on both of my birthing experiences as magical, powerful and proud times.

Whatever way you birth a baby, is the right way. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

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