I haven't posted in a long time, but I wanted to respond to your post. (I agree with the other posters).
first- you are NOT a failure- banish that thought now!
Just tell it to go away. You may not have had the birth you wanted (I am not saying "at least you got a healthy babe, etc"...) i don't want you to think i am discounting your feelings. NOT AT ALL. I sensed a lot of anger from you, about the situation, and disappointment, etc. this is normal, and it is ok. But like others said, if you do not learn something from it, that is what becomes your failure. And I think you have ALREADY learned so much about your body and yourself so you have not failed. just for the record, my first birth didn't go as I planned either. (i will get to it in a bit). you are already eons ahead of me, and so many others- planning a home birth, and almost having one! I wanted a midwife with my first, but my husband wanted me to have an OB, because he was worried insurance wouldn't pay etc. (Several months after his birth I found out that midwives who birth in hospitals were covered, and I will get to that too.) So, you are worlds ahead...and should you ever decide you do want to have another beautiful baby, you will be prepared, and I do not think you will "give up". I was really sad for you when you wrote that you gave up. I know sort of how it feels, even though i didn't plan a home birth, i felt like i "gave up" when I had my first son and agreed to pitocin and then when the pain from back labor got so intense i decided to have IV drugs, and i wasn't listening to my husband telling me to walk around or change positions...i didn't have support because my OB was out of town. Then I 'had" to have an episiotomy they said. Then I agreed to AROM (BREAKING MY WATER) at 7 cm I think....everything turned out ok, but it didn't go how I wanted it to, and after the birth i vowed NEVER to have pitocin again if i could help it. They also had me holding my breath during pushes and it was aWFUL !So I searched of ways to deal with back labor and I found great midwives who did hospital births and water births. I got pregnant again when my first DS was 1- exactly. LOL So I KNEW when his labor came on I would be ready. I said- BRING IT. And I had a great drug free WATER BIRTH in the hospital! It was not pain free by any means- but getting in the water took my labor intensity from close to 10, down to a 4-5 or so- during transition! I got to the hospital about 1 hour before I had him. I was at 8 cm and I didn't think I was that far!
fast forward to my 3rd- he was my largest baby, but i didn't know it. his labor started much like my 2nd. very sporadic contrax and then all of a sudden they were regular, my plug started coming out and I had to get on my hands and knees(like with my 2nd). I got to the hospital and it was almost deja vu- i was checked, and 8 cm again! I would have said I was a 5, maybe a 6 cm. I think they broke my water because he was still high, but my water was bulging and the MW was worried about cord prolapse. My second baby was the only one that I had the water break on its own. so i got in the tub and then labor was so much easier, even with the back labor. I always get it, it just is how it is. LOL I allso puked before i got in the tub- which was a good thing. So I sat on the toilet for a bit, because I thought I had to go- then I thought I was going to have the baby on the toilet. haha After what seemed like a long time, and having the mw push a cervical lip down (which hurts like a b^tch) during contractions, he was born- 8 lbs 15.6 oz....about 2 hours after I entered the hospital.
My fourth was also a water birth in the hospital and the labor was a bit different at the beginning- I woke up at 5:30 am with such bad indigestion I thought i was going to throw up. that was new.
I started having back cramps that felt like menstrual cramps...and dh and I did some baby dancing, because I thought, well, if this is the real thing, it will help, right? So I did my Hypnobirthing thing for awhile. I also had to make breakfast for the family. It wasn't too bad at that point, just some minor contrax...or surges... later, around noon i decided to call the mw. i got a cal about 12:30 from the DR and he said to go to the hospital and they'd check me. I totally didn't feel ready at that point. i knew they were getting more intense but not horrible and i thought if i went then, they'd send me home! Well- at 1pm (only half an hour later) I went to pee and my plug was starting to come out. (that is when i decide to go to the hospital lol) My husband said- well we better get going! He actually remembered the Hypnobirth teacher say that is when you should definitely go...I forgot that part. I still felt like it was too early. We had my sister come to be with the kids, and i grabbed my stuff and we left. everything was much calmer with my fourth baby- and it was day time- a new thing for me since the boys were born either late in the evening (10:40pm) or early am (3 am and almost 6 am). So that was weird too. We finally left, got there at 3:30. the admissions had me sign some stuff and i had what felt like light contractions and i was really thinking they would tell me to walk at the park across the street or something. the nurse checked me (and she was so cool and a natural birth supporter!) and she said- you are at a stretchy 8. HMMMMM, again???? My mw was called, they filled the tub...the mw was surprised it was me.
She had just gotten home from the zoo with her son and they were about to take a nap...she broke my water, since again, the bag was bulging but she was still high. I felt no pain in my tummy- all the contrax and "pain" were in my back, like the baby was trying to come out of my back. to keep it short, after I screamed I can't do it- then boom- I start pushing and moaning. i told myself to let her come out and my body just went OK. I pushed about 3 times, felt her head, her body, and I CAUGHT my first baby Girl (after 3 boys). I hadn't caught any of them so it was so neat- it happened so fast. She was born at 4:40 pm- about 1 hour after I got to the hospital- and it was about a 3 hour labor (not counting the prelabor.) My second birth was 4 hours, 3rd was 5 hours. my first was about 8-10 hours. I also did not tear with her, because I think I let her come out and panted or something during the rests but kept the pressure down there.
So- I just wanted to quickly share my experiences, because even though my first birth was not how i wanted it to be, i learned so much from it. I think you can too, and i think you already did- plus you had support for a homebirth from your dh. finding good midwives is good though. i think you do need support. And to tell yourself that you can do it.
I also second, third, fourth the suggestion to read the Birthing from Within book. I have it, and it was such a great book to read. It is empowering. Birth is empowering. You did it, even if you feel like something was not right. And your little guy is adorable. You still gave birth. Birth is totally intense, no matter how many times you go through it.
I came here to read birth stories because I am gearing up for #5 (unplanned but totally ok!) and I plan a water birth. I am still learning, and i learned something from each birth. it also helps to envision how you want it to be, but also have a realistic expectation that sometimes unforseen things happen. I don;t want a cesearean, but if there is no other choice, or if the baby is in medical distress or something, I would do it. Sometimes things happen that we cannot control. Most of the time, our bodies can birth babies because that is how we were made. I had a mantra during each surge- i envisioned my cervix opening like a flower, getting bigger and bigger. I also turn so inward during labor at the end i am hardly aware of things.
hopefully you can heal yourself, get over the feelings in time, and have a wonderful home birth.