Consequences for missing the bus

[hergrace]

We have had such difficulty getting DS1 (6) ready for camp in the mornings this summer. I am expecting that we are going to have similar trouble with school. Last year, we just took him to the car in his bare feet and without a coat if he was late and got him dressed in the car at school. This year, he will be riding the bus. We don't have a good plan for how to handle missing the bus. I know that without a plan in place, and maybe even with a plan in place, DH will respond to DS1 missing the bus with shouting and shaking DS1. The best I can hope for is a plan.

But, all the ideas that I have seem like they would probably end up being an incentive for DS1 to try to miss the bus. What would you do?

I am trying to figure out a plan to set him up for success, but I need a plan for when things don't work as well.

TIA

[eirual]

Are you near anyone else who takes the bus? Could you make it a goal to get there 5-10 minutes early and have a snack, so even when you're running late you're still on time, just no time for a snack?

I would probably just end up driving him and let him know that you're not happy about it and it's important that he tries to make it to the bus on time. You could even have a discussion about it- let him know it's important and ask him what he needs in order to be on time and what should happen if he's late and misses the bus. Maybe set an indoor timer (you can get cool ones from teacher stores that show concretely how much time is left- like the one at the very bottom of this page). Maybe even have some pictures or a list if he's comfortable with reading about what he needs to have done. Practice it starting as soon as you can.

Good luck!

[paxye]

I don't understand why it would be his fault if he is late... it would different if he was 16, but he is 6!

How about everyone getting up earlier, and having everything ready so that he can just get dressed, eat, and leave?

Prepare his clothes, bags, lunch etc the night night before.. Stay next to him and talk to him about his day while he is getting dressed so that he is not distracted too much, have quick, easy and fun things to eat for breakfast (cutting a toast into strips goes down more quickly with my kids than a whole toast etc)

I would also be quite scared of my DH if he reacted to such a small thing by shouting and shaking a small child...

[hergrace]

The problem with somebody being with him the whole time is that we have 3 2-year olds who also need to have one of us with them at all times as we are getting them ready for preschool. It may be unfair for him to have to take on some of the responsibility, but we don't really have much of a choice.

It already takes us over an hour and a half to get him out the door and all he needs to do now is get dressed, eat, brush his teeth and get out the door. DH and I are already functioning on 2-3 hours a night less sleep than we can truly function on, so us getting up earlier is not really an option. We might try starting to get DS1 up earlier.

I don't know what the consequences for being late are at school. It may be that not taking DS1 to school until after I have dropped the others off at preschool will make him late enough that he will have consequences at school. There are no consequences that we make at home that seem to have any impact on him.

A timer and a list of things he needs to do might help. And, a schedule of how to break down the tasks into time periods might work. He is in a pretty literal phase right now and can read and tell time without any trouble, so a schedule of how things need to go in 5-10 minute chunks might help.

[ChetMC]

Is it possible to come up with a plan to ensure that your DS just doesn't miss the bus? Could you aim to be ready twenty minutes early so you've got a twenty minute buffer for delays to happen.

We take public transit a lot, and I notice that we seem to miss buses we "can" miss, but never buses that are essential. If we absolutely need to catch the bus that comes at 9:40am, we operate with a wide enough margin and do enough stuff in advance to be sure we catch that bus.

Doing as much stuff in advance, the night before or before the kids get up helps. I've actually read posts on MDC from moms who have their kids sleep in their clothes for the next day. Also, doing things in reverse order of importance... so if your DS can eat his breakfast on the bus do breakfast last, and if there isn't time to finish he can take a slice of toast with him. He can't pee or get dressed on the bus, do those first.

[ChetMC]

Sorry. I was replying while you were replying...

I don't understand why it take 90 minutes for your DS to get ready. If you have to, couldn't get him up first, dress him and brush his teeth for him (in ten minutes) and leave him to eat his breakfast while you get the younger ones ready. If he doesn't finish his breakfast send him out the door with something he can eat of the way... if he's hungry enough that he needs to keep eating.

[GuildJenn]

What about giving him a stop watch and letting him time himself with the breakdown on a chart?

It kind of sounds like mornings are stressful and everyone's tired. My son's morning behaviour hugely improved after we started reading a morning book in bed. (Kind of like bedtime, but reversed.) I know it's a lot but if it helps him be more helpful for the next hour it might be worth it.

[Grace and Granola]

My son is only 4, but he's pokey too and I have a two year old to get ready, so I get the juggling thing. What I do is, the first thing I do is get the 4 yr old dressed. Meaning, either he does it FAST while I'm there, or I'm going to do it for him. But if I'm there, and make a game out of it or something, he usually gets it done in 5 minutes. After that I leave him with his breakfast. and I go off and get my 2 yr old ready.

So, I'm thinking with your 6 yr old, he is definitely capable of dressing himself, so I would set out his clothes and set his breakfast on the table first thing. Tell him that he needs to get dressed and then he may go have his breakfast. The consequence for being pokey is that his breakfast will get cold (or not, depending), but if he doesn't get himself dressed and to the table in a reasonable amount of time, then he doesn't get to eat, or he has to eat it fast, or whatever. But at least he's not naked by the time you're ready to leave. (I would hate to send a child to school without food, but maybe then, he would just get to eat an apple in the car or something?)

My other thought is, that a logical consequence for being late (just like in grown-up land) would be that he has to walk into his classroom late while everone else is already participating, and I think he should apologize to the teacher for being late. Nothing shameful or elaborate, but when a kid comes in late, I'd imagine it's a disruption, the kids all get distracted, the teacher has to regroup, etc. So, I would explain to him how his lateness affects the class, and he would have to go up to the teacher and simply say, "I'm sorry I'm late." I would imagine a kid would rather NOT do that, so it seems logical, and maybe would deter him, depening on the kid, I guess! So, I can see myself explaining this to my son, and telling him that it's HIS CHOICE. You can either get ready in a reasonable amount of time, or you can be pokey and have to apologize to the teacher.

Good luck! I totally see this in my future!

[eirual]

When I had to get just one DS out the door with me in the morning I put him to bed in his clothes he was going to wear the next day, then all I had to do was feed him en route to daycare. Would something like that work for you? A smoothy he can take with him or an egg sandwich/wrap to go could get him out the door in 5 minutes.

[sparklefairy]

My son enjoyed (no, really) having a "to do" list with pictures. Quite comical, as I am not an artist by any means! The only problem we had was that he wanted to follow it precisely in order, which isn't always possible. (Like if you want pancakes for breakfast, you might have to compromise and brush your hair and get dressed while pancakes are cooking instead of after you've eaten.)

Other than that, I've just noticed that it can take a lot of redirection at first. No tv or computer, no reading, no playing -- and if I was not on them, they would get distracted by those things.

Having as much ready ahead of time (I like the "sleep in the clothes" idea -- did that with my son, but my daughter didn't like it) is helpful.

Hugs to you! It sounds like you're very challenged.

Like other posters, I'm saddened at the image of a 6 year old being shaken by his father. In the moment, it's difficult to remember what a small thing being late really is (I've done my share of shouting in the morning) but it's really not worth it for the relationship to get so bent out of shape over it. Does DH have a similar reaction to your younger children? Would having him be in charge of them make things go more smoothly?

Is there a later preschool class the other children could be in? How long have they been doing preschool? (2 is really young -- unless you're actually talking about daycare.) If I didn't see a clear benefit to preschool, I might decide that it was in the better interest of the entire family to find a way to not have to have 4 children ready to go in the morning so that I could focus on routine with the one who needs to be going this year, if that makes sense.

[hergrace]

There are a lot of good ideas here. I need to think through them and see which ones might work.

The reason it take so long to get him ready at the moment is that is takes 20 minutes to get him out of bed, 20 minutes to get him dressed, 20 minutes for him to eat his breakfast, 15 minutes to brush his teeth and 15 minutes to get his shoes and outdoor clothes on. If one of us were with him the whole time, we could cut no more than half an hour off that. He gets distracted by his own thoughts and simply forgets what he was doing, so it takes a lot of nudging to keep him on track.

[crl]

I second the suggestion to have him wear his clothes for the next day to bed. That works well for my DS.

I also have better luck if I get him totally ready and then let him play with the time that's left. So maybe if you can arrange it so he gets some play time if he's ready early?

Catherine

[savannah smiles]

A lot of others have already mentioned letting them sleep in their clothes but I wanted to chime in too and let you know how much it's helped us! Of course, this may not work if your child has to wear a crisp uniform!

My dd just entered second grade this week and she can be very pokey in the morning. Sometimes she'd go to the bathroom and fall asleep on the potty. What I changed over the summer was using an alarm clock to get her up for camp and, when I saw that it worked well with her, I have used it to get her up on school mornings with great success. I spent K and 1st grade doing the gentle kinds of wakeups, complete with backrubs and asking her about her dreams, but it went sour more often than not and I just wasn't wanting to deal with it anymore.

and good luck!

[hergrace]

Originally Posted by crl

I second the suggestion to have him wear his clothes for the next day to bed. That works well for my DS.

I wish this would work. But, he is a bedwetter, so he pretty much needs to get changed every morning no matter what he is wearing to bed.

He didn't respond to play time as an option if he was ready early last year, but maybe he will this year. I think I will be talking to DH about keeping a store of games on his iPod that DS1 can only play while waiting at the bus stop. That might motivate him.

I am hoping that there are some other kids on the bus that he makes friends with. He is going out of area for a special school, and none of the other kids we know in the neighborhood go there.

At least we will have almost 2 months of figuring out how to get him on the bus on time before the LOs start preschool at the end of October. And, hopefully, we'll have a system worked out before we need to add winter clothing to the mix.

[hergrace]

Originally Posted by savannah smiles

What I changed over the summer was using an alarm clock to get her up for camp.

DS is independent minded enough that he would love an alarm, but he sleeps right through it.

[umsami]

I wonder if he's getting to bed early enough? Why not try moving his bedtime back 1/2 an hour or an hour?

I just read an article somewhere (sorry, don't remember which mag) about a family that had a similar problem. The solution was that they put three Dad Dollars on the counter. If their kids were ready, they got the money. If not, it disappeared (but no negative consequences.) The money could be used to buy snacks, TV time, movies, etc.

[hergrace]

Originally Posted by umsami

I wonder if he's getting to bed early enough? Why not try moving his bedtime back 1/2 an hour or an hour?

I just read an article somewhere (sorry, don't remember which mag) about a family that had a similar problem. The solution was that they put three Dad Dollars on the counter. If their kids were ready, they got the money. If not, it disappeared (but no negative consequences.) The money could be used to buy snacks, TV time, movies, etc.

The Dad Dollars idea is interesting.

I know he isn't getting enough sleep and we can't seem to get it right. It usually takes him a long time to wind down and actually fall asleep, so an 8:00 bedtime turns into 9:30 or 10:00 falling asleep. We may need a 7:30 bedtime for the school year, but I hate to do it since it will take away the only one on one time he has with me all day.

[4Marmalade]

My 6 year old sounds similar . We have two hours in the morning before the bus and with everything else going on it's sometimes a struggle to get him and everyone else ready on time. He loves company while getting ready and even if I could give it to him every time he still dawdles (one foot in his underwear, sits down, asks some obscure question, picks up a toy and on and on). This is what we do that helps a bit and will be implementing before school starts soon:

- Have a routine and write it out. A poster is made and put up in his room reminding him of the things that need to be done. Getting dressed is first, no if's, and's or but's. This is the hardest one to get done and the one we're always nagging him about. Get the things that need to be done done first. So right after eating breakfast we get teeth done, hair brushed, etc... He loves playing outside so I use this as a motivator to get him some play time before we leave for the bus stop. In the past we set aside special playtime with mom or dad once everything was done if we had extra time.

- No tv on school days.

- Get my stuff done the evening before so I have the extra time in the morning.

- If it came down to it I would probably let him miss the bus one day. He really likes school so I know he would freak out if that happened. I would either drive him later in the day if I was going into town or he would miss the day. I mean, at some point, after helping him and it still not working I would rather he miss the bus and learn the natural consequence than me yell and scream at him (although I have not been the most patient in the past )

We're a work in progress here. I'm a little nervous about the first few months here not to mention the whole winter gear. This year my dd1 joins the school ranks a couple of days a week and my 14 month old twins will be joining the morning trek to the bus stop. Should be interesting

[lilyka]

for my six year if she is late for school because she is dawdeling she obviously needs more time in the morning. So we go to bed 15 minutes early and wake up 15 minutes earlier. if she is late again we just keep moving it up.

but he is six and just learning good habits. you are going to have to have really fgood habits also.

It starts when he gets home from school. go through his bag and address anything that needs addressing (permission slips, lunch money, gym clothes, notes, homework etc) pack it all back up and put it in a good spot.

Ava takes her shoes off and put them in her drawer. if she needs shoes she can put on play shoes. that way if she can't remember where she took them off at least she has her school shoes ready. when it is time for coats and gloves we do the same thing. they only have one coat but they have school mittens and school hat and they go with school shoes. all ready to grab regardless of how they played the afternoon before.

Have his back pack and lunch ready the night before. preferable in a spot with nothing else. this would also be a good place to put coat and shoes.

lay out clothes for the next day. including socks and underclothes.

playtime.

supper and bath

go to bed at a reasonable time. if your child has trouble waking up in the morning move bedtime back some. if he still has trouble getting up move it back more. I highly recommend the book the 7:00 bedtime.

wake up earlier than you think you need to. I get up and pee and wash my face and get dressed. then I get the kids up when I am ready to parent them. happily sometimes I have to get up a lot earlier than them

wake up your son and do not leave him alone until he is up and getting dressed. do NOT allow him to get distracted. once he is up move him strait to the table for breakfast. once breakfast is done strait to the tooth brush, hair brush whatever else needs to get done.

shoes on. now all he has to do is get his coat and bag and go.

this would be a good time to watch cartoons (I have to have my kids ready and to this point 45 minutes before they leave for school because Ileave for work and their older sister babysits them but she really shouldn't have to deal with a cranky 6 year old) or read a book. not a school book.

10 minutes before the bus comes put the coat on and head out to the bus stop together. wait with him and honestly while he is learning I would reward him for having a good attitude (lets face it getting up and getting ready for school sucks!) I sticker on his back pack, or maybe pins that collect beads. something small and fun. or maybe even a little peice of candy for his lunch box or a peice of gum on the way home.

He is six. you catch or miss the bus together. if he misses give him a ride. no need to punish. its just as much your fault. but stress that next time you need to work together better to catch the bus.

if he is missing because he dawdles you need to work consistantly with him all day every day on staying on task. my six year old is soooooo slow. I have to constantly encourage her to stay focused and keep moving. it takes more energy for me to siomply get her up and dressed in the morning than it takes to get everyone else in the house including the dog ready for the day! but it is my job to teach her how to get herself ready in the morning. this is hard and it has taken me 35 yerars to really get it together because my parents just expected me to know how to do this. (well and growing up in a warmer client it was also easier. no hats or mitten or scarves...the bane of my existance.)

anyway, it is your job to be organized and be very proactive (attatched at the ho kind of proactive) about helping him stay on task and get ready for the day.

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by lilyka

f
He is six. you catch or miss the bus together. if he misses give him a ride. no need to punish. its just as much your fault. but stress that next time you need to work together better to catch the bus.

This and to not that kids don't often have a good sense of time. Heck many adults don't.

I would also serve breakfast completely last and make it something grab-and-go like a granola bar or peanut butter toast. Make him eat it while waiting at the bus stop if he doesn't have time at home. Not ideal, but better than missing the bus.