OCD help please

[NicaG]

I think my dh has ocd. He obsesses about the kids' hands being clean, with the kids touching anything dirty, with things falling on the floor and becoming dirty. I feel like it is starting to disrupt our family life somewhat (he often pulls "dirty" items away from the kids abruptly or gets visibly upset if they start eating when he considers their hands "dirty"). I have asked him a couple times in the past if he thought it was a problem. He said no--and he said if he really had ocd, he would be more concerned with keeping the house clean (he's not particularly neat).

I don't know what to do. If you have ocd, or if a family member does, could you tell me a little about your experience? When did you decide it was time to seek help? If you have ocd, did you hide it from your family, or were you relieved when they finally realized how it was affecting you? My dh is very skeptical about "natural" therapies or even vitamins, but I might be able to convince him to try pharm drugs.

Also, I want to start resisting when dh wants me to participate in the cleaning rituals. For example, I don't want to wash ds's hands after he touches something "dirty" in the house like the window or the floor. And I'm sick of putting hand sanitizer on the kids all the time, I don't think it's good for them. If you have ocd, how do you react when someone won't participate? Is that helpful, infuriating, unsettling....?

Thanks for any help!

[Porcelain Interior]

Being a neat freak isn't the hallmark of sign of OCD. Hoarders for instance have a form of OCD. They also live in filth most times.

I have OCD, OCD can manifest in any intrusive anxiety inducing thoughts or behaviors which you are compelled to do to reduce anxiety.

Some people with OCD keep it all inside their heads hence the "obsessive" part, like I might think that if I don't think about something in a certain way a certain number of times something bad will happen. Needing to touch or flip a switch a certain number of times (mine is 4 lol), or needing to make things "even", like if my head touches my pillow on the left side, I have to do it on the right side too or it feels wrong, and I cannot stand it. It never ends because hello you have to turn your head. It's really annoying.

I hate it when my steps are uneven, say I need to walk through the kitchen which has linoleum which is 5 steps before I hit carpet- and that is uneven- I HATE uneven numbers so I have to shorten my steps so it "feels" right.

I have a germ phobia, excessive handwashing, and constantly watching and policing family members comes with the territory. I absolutely panic if I think someone is contaminated or exposed and until I got a grip on it I would go to wild lengths to keep the contamination from getting inside our house or onto me or my things.

I've thrown out bags of clothes because they were given to my by my SIL who's kids had lice for over a year (that one might be understandable), and I avoid them still to this day and it's ten years later. They seem to get lice a lot still and it freaks me out so bad I'd rather not be around them even if it's forever.

Anyway the way we deal with it in our house is we agree what's gross and unhygenic and then I agree to shut up and relax, or at least not badger people. Sort of exposure therapy. The only way you can get these messages to stop is to expose yourself to things that make you slightly uncomfortable and increase it until it dissipates. Also medicine can be helpful along with therapy as a road to healing.

I use to flip and freak out over raw meat hands, and handling practices, and handwashing.

Until we all came to an agreement about what's totally gross and goes too far and what doesn't.

For instance in our house it's ok to say "Go wash your hands" if the person is going to eat or used the bathroom. These are non negotiable so everyone does them. All other handwashing cleanliness issues are up to each individual. I don't get to dictate if my husband's hands are clean enough for him to have dinner.

I also don't watch him cook anymore. I can't. I get too anxious and want to monitor everything and re-wash.

Anyway to cut this short as an OCD person, it is not your job to do your husbands rituals, though if his request is reasonable you may want to honor it out of respect. The window floor touching handwashing constant sanitizing is insanity, and he probably knows it in his heart, but can't fight the horrible feelings it creates when he can't get his fix/purell on.

And I react when someone won't participate by going to my happy place. I'm so like done with my OCD, it's still there, but I refuse to let it ruin my life. I know when my anxiety and fury are over the top and I just choose to grit my teeth and bear it.

Inside my own home I guess everyone appeases me just a wee bit, but I don't think it's crazy to insist on handwashing after using the bathroom, getting snot all over your hand, or touching raw meat or before eating.

I guess it's all just comprimise, but it sounds like your DH is being controlled by his OCD to a really distressing level, I'd encourage him to seek help, it doesn't have to be this way.

[lovbeingamommy]

I agree with Porcelain Interior. I also have OCD and Dh and I have come to compromise on many issues. However, this has only occured after I've been on medication for a few months and stabilized my emotions.

[TexasG]

I have OCD and my house is a disaster. i have germ phobias, too. They are right, don't participate in the things he wants you to do, that makes it worse-makes us feel a lot better, but does more damage in the long run.
I need to come up with compromises myself!

[mom0810]

OMG, OP you have to read the book, Brain Lock! It is about OCD and will help you both so much.

You can't participate in his rituals. You only strengthen his OCD when you do. I know it's near to impossible. I used to make my dh follow certain "rules" for everything. On the instruction of my therapist, he stopped. It was so hard for a while, but it got easier.

He should be in some kind of therapy. He may need meds. But definitely, please please please read the book, Brain Lock.

[crazydiamond]

I guess I am not fully convinced that he has OCD, at least not just based on your description.

I don't have OCD but I do care about clean hands. I absolutely DO wash the kids hands after they touch something dirty or dusty, like a window sill or floor. That doesn't mean I have OCD, it just means different people have different comfort levels with dirt. I don't have any particular anxiety about germs or getting sick, I just think it's nasty to have dirty/sticky hands. . .why not wash them to get them clean if you're going to eat with them or put them in your mouth like kids constantly do?

I get OCD and rituals but I don't think frequent handwashing is necessary part of that. I mean, it certainly can be if it's done to the extreme, I get that. But just washing because hands are dirty and doing it at regular intervals does not make it necessarily so.

I guess my real question is, is the handwashing done to the extreme and does he obsess about it if not done promptly? Or is this just a matter of having different opinions on what cleanliness means?

[Surfacing]

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