Oh, NO - I'm Pregnant ... And Not Happy About It

[ARedheadedMama]

Really long post, sorry! I'm new here. I didn't join JUST to get advice, but I am starting out with this post because I need help or somebody to talk to or something.

I am already a single mom to a 18 month old child. Her father just about literally kicked us out of his house when she was 6 months old as he started to see another woman.

I was kind of hurt and scared for a while, and took time away from men and dating to focus on my daughter, work, and school (finishing up my bachelors).

A little over two months ago I started dating somebody. Really nice guy - always kind and caring, held a nice (real) job, is very good looking, super sweet to my daughter, and has all the wonderful qualities you look for in a person.

I started taking birth control pills (hadn't had a reason to take them since I split with daughter's dad as I was not having sex) and we were "intimate", if YKWIM.

The stupid mini-pills have failed. This early into a relationship. I'm heartbroken, disappointed, and so incredibly angry.

He doesn't know yet. I'm REALLY afraid to tell him, because he's always spoken in favor of abortions in unplanned pregnancies. Several years ago, in college, I had an early medical abortion. And it was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. To this day, I regret it almost every day.

And to make matters worse, last week he found out he'll lose his job in four months due to his company's restructuring. So I know he will on no way support me to actually have this baby.

But I don't think I can do an abortion. I don't want to do this on my own, either. My parents and I live in the same city, but I have a feeling they will want to withdraw out of anger. My mom will be even more ashamed of my out of wedlock pregnancy this time than she was last time.

And I'm just scared sick as to what to do.

Are any of you moms single moms two different times?

[sugareemoma]

hey redheadedmama,
*hug* it sounds like we are in similar boats. i have a 22 mo dd whose dad kicked me to the curb when i was 6 mo preggo. i've been struggling to go back to school and become a nurse. i finally started seeing someone else this summer and just found out i'm knocked up again. well i made the mistake of telling the guy when i found out and he gave me the ultimatum that i should marry him so his child is not a bastard like my daughter! well i'm not good with ultimatums in general but since he had to insult my daughter in the process that didn't turn out to be in his favor. i wish i waited to tell him so i could have guaged his reaction better. i haven't told my parents about this yet. i'm not sure how they would react, we live in different states but i am actually going to visit them before my summer break from school ends.
sorry i couldn't give you any real advice but i will be checking back here because i too need the same advice.
best wishes
sugareemama

[josybear]

that sounds really hard, i'm so sorry. sometimes there are no easy answers.

[organicpapayamama]

Im so sorry you found yourself in a stressful position. I found myself as a single mom when my husband left me after we found out we were pregnant just a few months after losing our daughter (stillborn). I had also lost my job while pregnant. I seriously thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. Fast forward to today. My DS is now almost 17 months and I am a better person for having gone through what I did. I am so happy with life as a single mom that I am now trying for another child using a bank. The only advice I can tell you about being a single mom of 2 or more kids is that it can be done. women do it everyday all over the world. There will be tough times, as life does weather or not you are a single mom or not, but you will get through it and you will always have your children. Based on your story I feel you are very pro life and want to keep this baby. Do what feels right for you. Be true to yourself and your feelings. If you ever want to chat just pm me. HUGS mama!

[NaturalMindedMomma]

Went through it twice both men losers, both men left or punked out. I love my new DD, but had I known what would have happened I most likely would have terminated the pregnancy.

I'm so sorry sweetie. I am on the mini pill, MENTAL NOTE.. CONDOMS too...

HUGS and WELCOME!

[RollerCoasterMama]

I hope you don't mind me offering this additional idea to consider while you're thinking about things. Sounds like you'll be having the baby no matter what. But it didn't sound like you'd decided that you would be raising it for sure.

A young woman in a similar situation made the tough decision to allow my sister and her husband parent her child through an open adoption. She was friends with the father, but they both have other children (each had 2) to raise. They weren't really a couple...just friends that had a little too much to drink one night. Then back to friends.

Both of the birth parents LOOOOOOVE this baby. I can't tell you how much they love her. But they weren't in a place where they could raise her. So they picked a family to raise her. They know their little girl will have everything they want for her and they will still be a part of her life always. If she were their first, I don't think they'd have done it. Even so, we all tip-toed around afraid they'd change their mind. They so clearly loved her before they even met her. But the birth-mom especially was certain she was making the right choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't raise your own baby! Absolutely do it if you can! But it is an option. I think it's the hardest one that takes the most strength...but it's there.

Please, I hope you don't mind me mentioning it!!! It was just something in the tone of your original post that made me think of the situation my neice's birth mom was in.

[chaoticzenmom]

can you get childcare assistance...a breastpump and use cloth diapers and hand-me downs? Just getting through the 1st 5 years is what you need to do. Look into all public assistance. You'll likely qualify for medicaid and wic...maybe hud and school assistance. This is doable! And, you don't have to wait for mr. right to come along to give your daughter a sibling! Even if this guy doesn't want to be involved, he'll have to help support the baby. You won't be alone. Don't let other people's shame become your own. Let the joy of this situation become the predominant feeling. Allow yourself to be excited! Women get thrown into this situation all the time. You're not the first and you won't be the last. Do not be ashamed!

You have the right to make mistakes. YOu have the right to forgive yourself and move on. You have the right to assert your right to make mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

sorry your going through this hun

[lilyka]

no advice...just hugs....s

[RolliePollie]

*hugs* You can do it mama. Look into all the public assistance you can get. You can still go to school! You CAN make it work!

I left my husband last October and stupid me hooked up with him and now I'm pregnant and due in Jan. I also have a 3.5 DS with him. I wasn't happy about being pregnant, but I am a spiritual person who believes that things happen for reason. A child, to me, is a blessing and I'm very fortunate to be able to give DS a sibling. Thinking of it that way has helped a lot. Also, it's OK to ask for help. I have housing assistance, food stamps, medical, tanf, wic... It helps so much and there's no shame in making a better life for yourself and your children.

Also, you don't know for sure how your BF will react until you tell him. My estranged husband was surprisingly excited. Maybe things will work out with us, maybe not. But he acknowledges this is his child too and has been good about sending me money for things (he lives 1800 miles from me at the moment). I was also sure my parents would be disappointed with me but all they did was reassure that this baby on the way was indeed a blessing. Surround yourself with a support system, find other single moms. You can do it!

[PiesandAbrosmama]

support and hugs. I don't know what i would do. . .but I also know that maybe it will all work out somehow. I hope for much clarity and peace with whatever decision you make. A beautiful song getting me through right now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqZYd2UCfI8

[~PurityLake~]

Hello RedheadedMama and welcome to mothering.

I am not single, so I don't know if you all want me posting here. I found the thread under new posts.

My first child was 5 months old, breastfeeding on demand and I was on the mini pill when Sophia was conceived, so I have learned that it is not nearly as effective as the medical staff implied. That aside, if you are against abortion for yourself, then heed your own feelings on the matter.

When I was pregnant with my first, I was unmarried. I was living with my mom and didn't tell her I was pregnant until I was 5 months along. She really disliked my boyfriend (now my husband) and I still wasn't showing until I was 7 months old (there are benefits to belly fat ). I was so worried about how I'd disappoint my mother, even though I'd wanted to have children for no less than 11 years at that point in my life. I was scared she would be disappointed, would shun me, would not support me emotionally. I think our fears can often be worse than reality. Yes, my mom was disappointed and she has had no problems expressing her thoughts on this and other matters. She is my mother, and she does love me, but in the end her opinion has no bearing on the choices I make for myself.

As RolliePollie said, you cannot know what the future will bring, you cannot know how others will react to the choices you make. You boyfriend may surprise you when he finds out you are carrying his and your child. When it's your own, it's much different than conversations about hypothetical strangers.

[jujyfruitbaby]

RHM, I'm so sorry.

For now: You have to tell him. He has decisions to make, too. If he doesn't want to be with you after this, that's his prerogative; but he will be responsible for supporting the baby whether or not he's employed, and you will need to make sure he's held to that obligation. No one forced him to have sex with you.

Make it clear that you do not want to be pressured. Not begged, not pleaded with. That you do not want "discussions" that are actually pressure sessions or debates. If he begins to do this, get up and leave. If he chases you or restrains you, call the police immediately, have him removed, and file a restraining order. He is responsible for having had sex with you. Men who try to blame women for pregnancies are bad news.

If you can't afford -- emotionally, financially, physically -- to raise two children alone without help, and you have no help, then really please consider the open adoption route. You have two other people to take care of, too.

For next time:

No method of birth control is 100% effective except for abstinence. I'm an agnostic and a feminist, but I know that this is true. If you can't stand the idea of an abortion, and you can't afford to have a baby -- don't have intercourse. No penises near your vagina. There are lots of other ways to get off and make love.

Even if you do meet someone and decide another baby would be OK? Use condoms for the first six months at least. You have no idea where that thing's been, and antibodies won't show up for about six months for some STDs. Before you take the lid off, both of you go get tested. Men will do it if you make it a condition of sex. I used to do that all the time and never had a guy say no. You have to stay healthy; you have at least one little one to look after.

Good luck & keep us posted -

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by jujyfruitbaby

For next time:

No method of birth control is 100% effective except for abstinence. I'm an agnostic and a feminist, but I know that this is true. If you can't stand the idea of an abortion, and you can't afford to have a baby -- don't have intercourse. No penises near your vagina. There are lots of other ways to get off and make love.

Even if you do meet someone and decide another baby would be OK? Use condoms for the first six months at least. You have no idea where that thing's been, and antibodies won't show up for about six months for some STDs. Before you take the lid off, both of you go get tested. Men will do it if you make it a condition of sex. I used to do that all the time and never had a guy say no. You have to stay healthy; you have at least one little one to look after.

Good luck & keep us posted -

Words of wisdom for all of us and worth repeating.

[playboymommy]

I'm 31, single (recently moved out of the ex's place). Went to a wedding with him, and WHAM, knocked up. He seems to be in la la land, and excited. Me? I'm miserable. I don't believe in abortion, but part of me is tempted to have one. I'm 8 weeks along, and hating every minute of it. I feel so smothered, trapped, angry, etc. You name it, I feel it. I never expected to get pregnant. I always wanted to be a surrogate mom, this way I could experience pregnancy, but not have to have the kid. It just seemed to be a win-win for me. But now I'm pregnant, and it's mine. I hate this. I hate him. I've been begging, pleading with this kid to leave, with no luck. There's always hope, right?

[JustAnotherBrick]

playboymommy - wow. you seem really down about this. there are options, you know? since you seem to want to experience pregnancy, but not have the actual child, maybe you should look into adoption. if you truly do not want to raise a child, then please look into other options rather than be miserable.

hopefully you can find the right path for yourself.

[Labbemama]

(Hugs) Redheadedmommy,
I just wanted to let you know I had read your post and am wishing you all the best with the tough decisions and road ahead for you.

I can so relate. One time I left my stbx and I found out I was pregnant with Erbear. I had signed up for school and had just got a job and the timing sucked. But I love that girl to pieces and she is so worth it.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by JustAnotherBrick

playboymommy - wow. you seem really down about this. there are options, you know? since you seem to want to experience pregnancy, but not have the actual child, maybe you should look into adoption. if you truly do not want to raise a child, then please look into other options rather than be miserable.

hopefully you can find the right path for yourself.

I second that option. I was going to suggest it when I first saw your post, but since I suggested it earlier, I didn't want to seem like that was the only thing I knew how to say! So many families can't conceive on their own and would be thrilled to have the chance to have a baby. My own sister just adopted this summer. The process is difficult, but as the birth parent, you get to select and interview prospective adoptive parents. And you can get regular pictures and updates. My nieces birth parents have even seen her a couple of times in person since then. They were both in their late 20s/early 30s and had 2 kids each already and just weren't in a position to raise this very loved baby themselves. If you were already comfortable with the idea of a surrogacy, then this is definitely something you could look into. It's hard, but it's a very great gift to a family.

[Leta]

I understand if you have completely ruled out abortion for yourself, OP. I have as well, the only real exception being if I were carrying a child doomed to a short, painfilled life, or if the pregnancy would cause me death or extreme illness.

That said, this isn't about me, it's about you. You said you had a medical abortion. I presume that means you took pills/injections and passed the embryo/fetus? That is HARD. Long, painful, emotional. Surgical abortions are quicker, and often not as traumatic for women. I've been through all kinds of terminations (I worked at Planned Parenthood), and this is what I've observed.

Not to push you toward abortion- if you know that's not a good option for you, please ignore what I wrote above. But I just wanted you to know your options.

ITA with the poster who suggested that you look at this pregnancy as a way to give your child a sibling. I hope things go well when you tell your BF. And jugyfruitbaby is exactly right.

Many hugs to you. I'm sending you positive vibes.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Leta

You said you had a medical abortion. I presume that means you took pills/injections and passed the embryo/fetus? That is HARD. Long, painful, emotional. Surgical abortions are quicker, and often not as traumatic for women. I've been through all kinds of terminations (I worked at Planned Parenthood), and this is what I've observed.

Quick, yes. Not as traumatic....well, that depends on your personal feelings and desires. I had a surgical and if I could do it all over again I would have taken the pill (I was 3 days past their time frame, and I now wish I had gone in earlier or ordered it online). The reason is that my baby was considered a "biohazard" and I was not able to take him home. They let me see him (unidentifiable tissue), but I couldn't take him home. If I could redo it, I would have ordered the pill online or gone in earlier...any way to be able to keep my baby and bury him. But that's me, and everyone is different, but it's worth thinking about. Not being able to take my baby home and give him the respectful parting he deserved (birthed by me and then buried) was more traumatic than had I had a long, painful induced miscarriage.