Oh, NO - I'm Pregnant ... And Not Happy About It - Page 6

[Mizelenius]

I think my husband would be pretty offended if anyone told him that he was wrong about his own feelings and experiences about his family.

The bottom line is, everyone has had different experiences and reactions to things . . .it's pretty dangerous to take a black/white stance on most topics.  Ultimately, we only truly know our own lives.

Originally Posted by jess in hawaii 

Personally, I am always offended when I hear that the adoptive family is the "real" family.

[jess in hawaii]

I understand what you're saying mizelenius, but I have witnessed too many adoptive parents basically brainwashing their kids into the mindset that they are their real family and the birth family, well, isn't. Often the birth mother is totally discounted. Sure, there are situations that are very open and the child knows their birthmom and she is part of the family, but more usual is intentional alienation from her. In international adoptions where a relationship is not possible, I have encountered an attitude the pretty much says the birth parents don't exist, even when contact is at least theoretically possible. It isn't fair to the birth parents OR the child.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by jess in hawaii 

Did you read my whole comment, including the last line?? Sometimes adoption is appropriate. Alot of times it's not. In any case where a child is "placed" for adoption, there is a likelyhood of coercion to one degree or another. Most mothers do not want to "place" their children, they just don't feel they have options. Children in other countries are "placed" because there is a breakdown in the social system which leaves the mother unsupported and desperate. These children don't need to be adopted, they need social change in their countries of birth so that they can stay with their families. But as long as there is money to be made, there will be corruption. Furthermore, I have known several families with children adopted abroad, and yet not a single one of them was in any way active in working for change to the policies which create so many abandoned children. Frankly, it's disgusting. The same can be said for domestic adoptions too. If there was active social change to accept and support mothers in less than ideal circumstances, there would be no adoption industry. Are there times when children are truly without fit parents? Sure, but those, as I said before, are the very small minority, In other words, if you really want a child, take one of the kids in foster care who come from situations of abuse, have disabilities and are otherwise disadvantaged.THEY need loving homes. But hands off the ones who's mothers are just scared.

This is the last time I'm responding to this thread.

Re:  the bolded:

Yes, social change needs to happen.  BUT - it is currently too late to enact social change that will save the children sitting in orphanages in other countries so that their birth mommies who are all unicorns farting butterflies to come back and claim them and make their lives whole again. Social change NEEDS to happen - but it hasn't yet. I'm not quite sure what I can do in China (or any other country really) to create this social change when people living there aren't calling for it already.

And, fertility issues is NOT the only reason people adopt. Seriously folks. I want to adopt, and I have an almost 3yo son. My parents adopted my younger brother AFTER they gave birth to me!  (they initially started the adoption process because they were told they couldn't get pregnant, but then they did get pregnant and decided they still wanted to adopt - since they had been assigned my older brother already and couldn't wait for him to come home).

As for "real families" - well, people can have more than one "real family". My older brothers "friend" used to tell him that my mom wasn't his real mom and so he didn't have to listen to her. Ummm...except she IS his real mom - one of them anyway.

[Mom31]

I just highly reccomend reading birth mother blogs and adoptee blogs before anyone adopts.

Why do you want to adopt? Can i ask?

And thank you Miz.  Sadly I find it is so common for these types of conversations to occur from possibly well meaning but uneducated adoptive parents.

Due to my circumstances it alarms me for an adoptive parent to have bio children as well... to me it is just a recipe for disaster...

[Thursday Girl]

my fil has a bio son and an adoptive son and he loves them both tremendously there is not a difference between them other then personality differences any parent would have between children. My best friend has a biological child, an adoptive son and 3 foster children she hopes to adopt soon, she loves them all.

My mom was adopted as were her sister and brother, she was always told she wasn't wanted, that her other sister was the one they wanted. This had nothing to do with the fact that one was biological and one was not because they were both adopted. some people are just a$$holes like her adoptive mom, and you know what she still preferred that to living with her biological mom who she met later in life. The 3 kids she did keep out of the 10 she had all had terrible lives and my mom would have preferred her adoptive life to the one she would have had with her biological mother who later stole her biological granddaughters identity through a relationship she tried to build with my mother. My poor mom had 2 terrible mothers, she overcame it and was an amazing mother.

There are so many different possibilities in life, so many different people that just because one situation is a certain way does not mean all similiar situations are bad or good.  No one is advocating corrupt systems here, they are saying right here, right now there is a child that needs a home, a child that needs love and here are people willing to give that love, I just can't see how that's a bad thing in the right situation.

Do I think coercing someone into giving up their baby is a good thing? NO!  But for the baby with the drug addict parents, the dead parents, for the baby left to die somewhere, for the mom that just doesn't want a child then YES adoption into a loving family is a good thing. They should have people that love them, people that say we our together, we are a family, you belong to me and I belong to you! That's all people really want in life in the end, is to belong. so for the kid sitting in an orphanage or the kid being abused, yes adoption into a loving family is a good thing. For the woman who is pregnant and is being told she shouldn't keep her child because she is poor, single, etc then no, that's not good, that mother needs support.  From reading this thread I sort of feel like that is what most people are trying to say but somehow everything has gotten so stuck on the semantics, on the this is black this is white, life isn't black or white, it's not even just gray too, it's a million different colors and we need to see that.

[contactmaya]

This is to the OP-

i have only read the first page of posts.  I see there is an adoption debate but havent read  it.

The point of my post is to explain that attitude can change everything. 

I am also a single mom, and i dont have much money either.  The difference is, that unlike you, i actively sought to get pregnant with my first and 2nd child. I am currently pregnant with my third, and very actively sought that for over a year.  I see everything from the point of view of the family, and the children and their relationships, rather than the relationship  with the father. I am not asking to hear any opinions about this at all. I am only   demonstrating a different point of view.

Although you might be unprepared for a 2nd  child in your family, there are many advantages to having one. For a start, your older child gets a sibling, 2ndly, the fact that they are relatively close in age can be advantageous as well, as far as their playing together, sharing activities and toys, and even friends. In the long term, it can only be a good thing that they have each other and you. Maybe you might add to your family later.

Where does the father fit in? That is up to him.  At the minimum he will be paying child support. Hopefully, he will play a more active role, especially if he's such a great guy as you say. As far as his opinion on abortion, i applaud his open mindedness, but not when you are not the consenting party.  Your body, your choice, and that is that. 

 You cannot control how he will react, but you can control how to build your family at this point.

 If you are a student, then all the better. There are many supportive mechanisms in place for student parents.

Yes, it will be hard, especially for the first year. But its only a year! Then it gets easier.  Im not saying it will be easy, but most things in life that  are  worthwhile are challenging.

I find myself looking at everything in the long term rather than the short term.  When you have a baby, that is for life, You have started a family.  Personally, i think family is the most important thing there is.

As for supporting yourself, cut yourself some slack. You are studying, you have  plenty of time to work on a career. As the kids get older, that will only get easier as they become more independent.

Go on public assistance, food stamps, and whatever else is out there to help  you and your children. They are there for a reason.

I really dont see how adoption is relevant in this scenario.

You can be single mom and love it!, even if its unplanned.

[contactmaya]

Originally Posted by lovepickles 

this thread is from 09 ...

Oh, i guess i just wasted my time :-)  gotta check those dates huh?