Originally Posted by jujyfruitbaby
If you can't afford -- emotionally, financially, physically -- to raise two children alone without help, and you have no help, then really please consider the open adoption route. You have two other people to take care of, too.
I don't think anyone
can emotionally, physically, and financially "afford" to raise two children alone. It takes a village. I know you added, "and you have no help," but basically, there is help available and people can create and seek out the support they need in many (not all) cases.
That said, if someone really does not feel equipped to and/or want to parent another baby, and does not feel that they can do that and still meet the needs of their existing family and self, then of course adoption is a wonderful option.
Of course, your feelings may progress and change, as this is obviously new and quite a shock, and your boyfriend's reaction will give you some more input (although fathers, and grandparents too, tend to have an initial period of shock/adjustment and then may feel totally differently down the road, as i have experienced-- so not to say his immediate reaction is the one you should accept as being the definitive course of action on his part and his level of involvement/acceptance).
For me, my pregnancy was unplanned/contraception failed, bio father was initially shocked/unhappy and pressuring for an abortion (but we were not in a relationship really, had just known each other for a long time/acquaintances and we wound up in bed), and then was largely uninvolved/detached for the remainder of my pregnancy, and now visits/emails on occasion. I faced a ton of weird reactions in terms of, if you are pro-choice, why aren't you aborting? I didn't commit or decide whether to parent or place for adoption for months of my pregnancy, just knew that I was able and desired to carry the pregnancy to term and birth the baby and either way make sure he was raised by a loving parent or parents in a safe and stable home- win/win. So aside from deciding that i did NOT want or plan to have an abortion, I didn't need to decide right away whether I was able or willing to parent. I am so happy with my choice (I only have one child; it would be very difficult to find myself in this situation again down the road, and I empathize with you
) and the supportive friends, family, and community we have, but I don't think I could have fully come to terms with deciding to parent and all that entailed without making absolutely 100% sure that is what I wanted and what I felt was best for everyone. Since it was not planned, I had to think of those issues after finding out I was expecting, rather than before deciding to conceive, but it was essentially the same process, and i still feel that i fully and completely chose to become a parent in much the same way as if i had intentionally ttc, the timing/process was just a bit different.
i don't know if that makes any sense, but... my main point is that if you know
you don't want to abort (and i empathize with that- i don't think i could or would, unless perhaps i knew that, for example, i had been drinking a lot of alcohol or taking medications with teratogenic effects before discovering the pregnancy, or knowing that there was a serious problem that could kill me and/or the baby) then you don't necessarily have to decide what else to do, other than to know that you are going to carry this child, and allow your feelings to evolve.
i say, if anyone tries to pressure you or talk negatively or whatnot, say, i am staying open to my options and focusing on staying healthy, and don't engage. expect that you may have some negative and/or shell-shocked reactions coming from your bf and/or parents, but just be clear that you are considering whether or not to place and that you know you don't want an abortion, end of discussion (if that is indeed your feelings/the route you seem to imply you may be taking- that is at least similar to the position i found myself in, so i feel some of where you are coming from)
and just stress that being pro-choice doesn't, by ANY means, imply that all unplanned pregnancies should be aborted, that is ridiculous. although of course it should be an option and available safely and legally imo- a huge percentage of pregnancies are unplanned, and quite often they wind up with a much loved, much wanted baby parented by their bio mom and/or dad, or an adoption with loving non-genetic parents. i have never had one, but have stood by several friends going through that and seen the toll it takes, it is not an easy thing and knowing how much trauma it caused you and how negatively or ambivalent you feel about it, i think that both experience and intuition are indicators that it is not a good option for you. i too know that aborting a healthy baby that i knew i could (most likely, of course there are no guarantees) safely carry to term and who would have a loving family either way, would have destroyed me.
i am so sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation, and i wish you peace whatever choices you make. it is a process obviously, i think journaling privately and/or discussing in supportive communties online can be really therapeutic, as can finding an objective therapist or counselor experienced in these issues to discuss things with. i actually worked with a counselor at a free christian/anti-abortion unplanned pregnancy center early in my pregnancy- while i am not christian and am pro-choice, the fact that i had already decided against abortion meant i felt that it would be useful, and it was- i was able to talk with the counselor openly about my needs and feelings and benefit from her experience working with other moms in similar situations. i am sure it is also possible to find a private counselor or psychologist, likely/hopefully covered by health insurance, to help you talk these issues out.