Really need some help/advice

[BelCanto]

My just 7yo dd has really started acting out, talking back, saying "no" lately. I really don't know what to do or how to handle it....in fact, when it happens I feel so helpless. I think I have really failed thus far, in terms of gentle dicipline, or any dicipline at all really. I've never really figured out how to handle various situations and I'm sure I am lacking consistency.

What should I do if I ask her to do something and she just flat out says, "no"?

I know she cannot possibly agree and want to do 100% of what I ask...she's a kid. But when I ask for cooperation, I need it.

thanks,
jennifer

[HunaMama]

Hi Jennifer,

I am new here and am just getting to know my way around these forums. I do have some thoughts for you though.

Are you ready with an open heart and an open mind? Hope so cause here we go:

First stop: YOU
You are not helpless. You are feeling overwhelmed and unsure. That happens to all of us. Can you manage to change your thought from 'helpless' to something brief that means 'sitting with uncertainty about my next best action but knowing in my heart that I will make an advantageous choice for me and my child in good time' (with in good time meaning before I scar my child for life. )?

I know you can. That will help you bring a little confidence and vital force back into your parenting.

Second stop: YOUR BELOVED, POWERFUL, SMALL BEING

Are you lacking consistency because you're intuitively feeling the approach you're taking is not right? Or is it because you're worried about harming your child? Feeling guilty? Are you unable to firmly say, "No, you are not going to do that because it crosses the lines of those in your family and will not serve you in good stead as an adult" because of insecurity?

Or are you just lazy like all humans are wont to be? (I'm teasing you a bit here. I hope you can take it lightly.)

All teasing aside, I think looking at what is coming up for you in regards to your child's behaviour might be a good place to start. Only when you're clear on what you want to teach her and why, can you do it.

For myself, I have worked through a belief that I was unworthy by noticing that my thoughts of 'He should listen to me' turned to 'why doesn't he listen to me?' to 'he won't listen to me because I'm doing something wrong' to 'there is something wrong with me'.

If you've never really excavated your thoughts, that might sound extreme but I've seen it time and again with mothers I work with. You'd be surprised the leaps you can make without even knowing it!

And if you're coming from an unclear place regarding what you're trying to teach your child, you'll have trouble getting them there!

Phew! Clearly I had a lot to say. Sorry for being so long winded!

Cheers and Light to you,
Colleen

[K-Mom3]

I read this in the book "Christlike Parenting"

Calmly, quietly, firmly state your expectation. If you need to, do it three times. And step away from the situation.

Maybe like this...

Parent: Please put on your shoes so we can go pick up Dad.

Child: NO! I'm not going!

Parent: I'm glad you understand that it is time to go.

Child (still continuing original activity): No, I'm not going.

Parent (continuing activities to get ready and not paying too much attention to child): I'm glad you understand that I expect you to get ready right away.

Child: No!

Parent: I'm going out to the car, I'm sure you'll be there soon with your shoes on.

Now, Glenn Latham says that after 3 times almost all children will give in. I'm afraid I don't remember what he says to do if they don't. But the idea is, don't give power to the lack of cooperation by shouting or giving a lecture. When the child does cooperate, give THAT power by giving attention and lots of praise. Every time your dd does cooperate let her know you're grateful. Sincere thanks and a high five can do a lot!

[BelCanto]

Colleen and K-Mom3 - thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate them.

K-Mom, good practical advice, something I can implement and a great reminder to stay calm, something I have not been able to do lately. I am curious as to what to do if they don't listen by the third time...I can see us getting to that point.

Colleen, when I read your post, I got tears in my eyes. I think you hit the nail on the head, particularly with the not feeling worthy. Just the other day I had to remind myself that my kids do love me and need me...I have this thing where I feel that I am just not good enough for people to really like me-good enough at what, I don't really know, but I've just had that forever (and I just realized the other day, I have carried it over with my kids). I also get worried that I am being too harsh as soon as I get an objection from one of them.

Wow, this is just overwhelming and difficult right now. I wish my instincts were better. So much to work on.

Thanks again. Appreciate it! -Jennifer

[HunaMama]

Jennifer, bright, clear, wonderful Jennifer,

Your instincts are perfect. You're not listening to them right now but they are there to serve you. Waiting for you to heed them.

No need to beat yourself up for not doing better. You're doing the best you can. When you know how to do better, you will.

When you're coming from a place of 'not good enough', your foundation is shaky. Hard to build a house on a shaky foundation.

Want to hear the good news? You are totally capable of repairing your foundation. You are capable of making it rock solid. Strong enough to create a nurturing, warm home with clearly defined boundaries for you and kiddies.

You may not be able to imagine how to shift the feelings and beliefs you have about yourself. Try not to worry about the how but to just know in your heart that you will learn to know your own worth - your True Self.

Crossing this personal hurdle will be the greatest teaching, the greatest gift you can give your children.

You are a wonderful mother and just what your daughter was looking for in this life. That is why she chose you.

When you daughter willfully disobeys you and you feel that lump in your chest (or where ever you feel it), remind yourself that her behaviour is not an indication of your lack of worth. It is an indication of her stage of learning.

Experiment with saying 'I'm a good person no matter how poorly she behaves'. In your head of course, or the neighbours will think you're loony.


Now go have a fantastic day!

Colleen

[reezley]

My older son is only almost-5, so I don't about 7-yr-olds quite yet, but.. I'll just second the advice about waiting and not reacting right away when you get the "no". A book I read a while ago made that point, and the idea of it stayed with me enough to be helpful at times - "The Secret of Parenting" says that just disengaging and waiting patiently, as if you're just waiting for the bus, when you want your kids to do what you've asked. It worked today, even, with my ds1. We were out for a little hike, and he wanted to go one way, and I was with ds2 going another way and asking him to stay with us. He dug his heels in for a moment, and said "no!" I stood still and waited, heard him yell another "I'm NOT going with you".. I waited more... then he just came along!

I think it's important to not follow up with a reprimand right away about how he should have listened, etc. (which I do too often myself) but to first give the positive reinforcement for doing what you asked. Then at some other appropriate time remind them about the rule.

I'm just paraphrasing the pp, but there's my take on it anyway!

[Oubliette8]

I wonder if it would help to not ask her when its something that really needs to be done? Saying "Will you please do xyz?" IS a question, a No is a valid answer. If what you mean is, "You need to do XYZ now, we have to leave in 5 minutes" then say that. Its not a question, you didn't ask, and you expect it will get done.

Would it also help to give her small choices? Some kids like feeling they have some control. For instance, if she needs to put her shoes on, say, "We need to go, do you want to wear your blue shoes or your pink shoes?" Then she feels she can choose something, but you stilll get what you needed?