What if I wasn't supposed to do this?

[Krisis]

Earlier this year I was told that if I had another baby I had a very good chance of dying. At the time I was told, I wasn't being very "churchy," not praying or reading my scriptures or anything. I admit, I am somewhat of a lazy person and while I do believe in the Lord and in my church, I sometimes don't do what I know I should (like read or pray.)

Anyway, my husband and I made the decision for me to be sterilized with Essure. When I found out last month that the Essure didn't work, I started wondering if maybe I was supposed to have more children and that is why. I never prayed about being sterilized so I never got a yes or no, and I really feel like I should have at least asked the Lord what to do. For LDS mamas, in my patriarchal blessing it says I will have children, not just a child. So that confuses me too; even though I know it could be referring to other children I come into contact with, I always thought it meant my own children.

Yesterday I had a tubal ligation and I am so sad and upset. I wonder if I was really supposed to do this. I don't know - I have asked for comfort in this but I still don't feel happy that this happened to me. I guess I'm not sure what I'm saying. I just feel bad because what if I was supposed to exercise my faith and keep my child-bearing options open? I could have lost weight and had another baby - my chances of dying would have been lowered slightly then, but instead we just opted to sterilize me.

It's also hard knowing that I am in a church that places such an emphasis on family. That's as it should be, but I feel so guilty and inadequate only having one. How would you cope with these feelings? Any scriptures you can think of that will comfort my soul?

[AngelBee]

: I wish I had words to comfort you.

[brightonwoman]

First of all, it sounds like you need it.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Life really isn't fair.

Coming from the LDS perspective here...
We are taught that children come to us in the millenium as well as here, so the 'children' (plural) could refer to that. It could refer to adoption. It could refer to other children that you will influance for good. Patriarchal blessings can mean so many things.
I know people who were told to not have more kids cuz they might die, and some of them had more kids and some did not. I would like to believe that they made their decisions with thought and prayer, but I don't really know. I think that God knows the intents and desires of our hearts, and that He isn't going to say "oh, well Kris, she could have had more kids but she took the easy way out so too bad for her..." I think He recognizes that we all have different challenges to face, and that we try to do the best we can with what we know. What might have happened if you'd had another child? It's anybody's guess. But you tried to make a good decision and you took action on what seemed like the best choice. I certainly wouldn't fault you for that--I don't think any decent thoughtful person could. I also don't think God does/will. Should you have prayed about it? Yeah, probably. Was it the only way? I don't know...but you did what you felt was best and now it's done. If God wants to make a miracle, He can...there are occasional women who get pregnant in spite of even tubals (I just read a story this week in fact...wild stuff!) IN any case, I think it's better to make a choice and take some action than to sit around and do nothing...being active in life is better than being passive, you know?
As for feeling confused/guilty now, I would venture a guess that you're grieving. Grieving that you won't have the kind/size of family you thought you would. Probably a certain amount of frustration/sorrow over the social implications of having a one-child family in a church where family is such a big deal. I don't think that your feelings are necessarily an indication that you've done a wrong thing.
At this point what's done is done, so what I would do now is pray for peace about the current state of things, and then ask for direction of where to go next. Maybe you'll feel led to pursue adoption and increase your family that way, but maybe you'll be a one-child mama who then has time to serve others in other ways, you know? There's no one right way to be a mother--it doesn't matter how many kids you have--it matters that you try to follow the Lord and frequently seek his guidance about what to do next.