Advice on how to explain to ds1 why he was circumsized and ds2 isn't?

[MandyB]

So, when we had our first child, who is now 7, I was much younger and uninformed. I didn't really know much about circumcision and although I did research it, at the time I really felt like the decision was more up to dh. He was born on Laos and was not circumcised. At the age of 16, he was told he needed it done because he had issues with scar tissue and it was painful for him when he had an erection. I now know that this is probably because it was not properly cleaned when he was little, etc.

Anyway, I feel much wiser now that I'm expecting my 4th child. There is no way in hell we are going to circumcise him, and my husband is in agreement! Here's my problem... I assume that ds1 will notice that his little brother is not circumcised and probably ask why they look different. How do I explain this to him? I feel so terrible about having him circumsized to begin with, but it's not something I can undo, as much as I wish I could! What's a good way to explain it to him? Right now, he's totally oblivious to the whole topic, as he and his daddy look the same and he's never really seen another penis before.

Any advice on how to respond when he asks would be great! Any of you been there done that before? I'd love to hear how you approached the topic as well! Thank you!

[fruitful womb]

Honestly, I don't think he'll notice. It will seem normal to see that on a newborn to him. If he does notice, and ask questions, be as honest as you can. People are different. We have different eye color, different shape noses, different color hair. Some of us have birth marks while others don't.

Bottom line is, we do better when we know better. Reassure him. An apology will be the most appropriate when he discovers what happened to him. He can still be that great kid with a healthy self esteem and if you nurture that he will NOT let this happen to his own sons.

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

[TCA2008]

I've known of so many mothers who have one who is circumcised and one who is not, it is never a big deal. If he asks about the difference, just say something along the lines of:

Some boys are circumcised (or have this top layer of skin removed), and some aren't. When you were born, mommy and daddy thought that having you circumcised was the best choice for you, just like daddy is circumcised (I assume he is). When your brother was born, we learned new information that it wasn't necessary, so we didn't circumcise your brother. Just like all of your friends have different color hair, and different eyes, and everyone comes in different shapes, sizes and colors, some boys have circumcised penises and some don't.

If you don't make a big deal of it, just be matter of factly with it, then this should never be an issue.

If for some reason (unlikely) he continues to ask my questions, like "why did you think it was best for me but not my brother?" You can just provide some simply explanations like "We thought it would be cleaner and healthier, but then we learned that it's not, so that's why we made a different decision. We love both of you very much, and parents always try to make the best choices for their children. Sometimes parents make different choices when they learn new information."

[BlessedMommy2006]

Originally Posted by MandyB

He was born on Laos and was not circumcised. At the age of 16, he was told he needed it done because he had issues with scar tissue and it was painful for him when he had an erection. I now know that this is probably because it was not properly cleaned when he was little, etc.

Others have given you advice on the other part, but I wanted to comment on the quoted part.

It is very likely that your DH was a victim of forced retraction and cleaning as a child, if he had scar tissue. The way to properly clean a baby is to leave it alone. Only the outside needs to be washed. You probably already know that but just making sure all the bases are covered.

Congratulations on your new baby boy! :

[kriket]

I agree that he probably won't notice. Even circed men can smoosh their skin down around their glans. I can see if one son had pokadots and the other stripes!

When hes older and knows about circ you can tell him what you told us, your father had a bad experience, you were uninformed and thought it was the right decision at the time. Maybe talk to him about restoration if he is bothered?

[MandyB]

Thank you everyone for your responses! I think that just hearing what to say from others, makes it easier. DS1 is extremely inquisitive, so I'm sure there will be questions and he will notice the difference between himself and his brother sooner than later. I was just having hard time figuring out how to explain it to him at this age, without being too graphic and without letting all the guilt I feel about circ'ing him show through! My biggest fear being that if I didn't explain it all "right", that he would somehow internalize it that we had him circ'd because he was less important or something. I know it's probably irrational to think he would feel that way, and it's just my feelings of guilt taking over!

Thanks for the info on retraction regarding my husband having scar tissue! Yes, we do know that that's what probably caused his scar tissue. Although, I am the one who had to tell DH this! He was completely clueless and actually thought that's what was supposed to be done when he was little. It's sad really! He knows that he is never to retract ds2's foreskin for cleaning because it will most likely lead to the same issue's dh experienced.

Thanks again everyone!