How do u deal/dealt with the terrible 2 temper tantrums?

[Neera]

I am at a loss. My 2 1/2 yr olds temper tantrums are constant and I thought that at 18 months is when the tantrums peaked according to 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block.' It certainly doesn't apply to my toddler, though.

I know it's a phase and every child moves on in his or her own time but at present I am wondering what is the best method to deal with it.

Thanks.

[spmamma]

Tantrums are only getting steadily worse here. And I don't know anyone whose toddler's tantrums peaked at 18 MO.

Here's how I handle her tantrums: I acknowledge DD's feelings about the situation then gently tell her she can cry in her room. I will sometimes have to bring her in there. I never shut the door and always tell her she can come out whenever she's finished. This is the only way I can keep my sanity and not get angry at this point.

Sorry to keep it so short... she's starting to melt down as I type!

[Neera]

Originally Posted by spmamma

I acknowledge DD's feelings about the situation then gently tell her she can cry in her room. I will sometimes have to bring her in there.

Well, there's no way she would let me do that. She would run right behind me and i'd just have to keep talking louder and louder to her. I should have mentioned in my original post that the loud talking is taking it's toll on me. And I also don't want dd to see me in a situation not in my control... Thanks, anyway.

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by Neera

Well, there's no way she would let me do that. She would run right behind me and i'd just have to keep talking louder and louder to her. I should have mentioned in my original post that the loud talking is taking it's toll on me. And I also don't want dd to see me in a situation not in my control... Thanks, anyway.

I should say that getting to this point was a process - and it took a while to get there. She'd follow me around screaming if I let her, too, so I totally know where you're coming from.

Sorry I couldn't be more help!

[Wild Lupine]

I sit on the floor with DD and hold her through them. I also validate her feelings, usually by restating what happened (you wanted X, I said no), and helping her put a name to her feelings. I don't give reasons or analysis during tantrums (I said no because of Y and Z- it's just not the time for that), just stick to the facts and feelings. She is a child who likes physical contact and being with people; if I thought giving her space and time to herself would be beneficial to her, I'd have her calm down in her room.

If I'm in danger of having a tantrum myself, I remind myself that whatever they look like, tantrums are emotional, not behavioral. I see her as overwelmed and treat her as such: first by making the space safe (which sometimes means holding her in a big bear hug so she cannot hit), then by helping her process the emotions- calming her, validating her, giving words to her feelings. I try very hard not to take tantrums personally, and to see them as a normal development (like teething), this helps me stay sane, especially when they happen in public.

I find at 2 3/4 the tantrums are becoming less frequent , but more intense :. We didn't have any tantrums at 18 months, let alone peaking there, for us they didn't start until closer to 2.

[Neera]

Thanks onemom. I am definetly going to try the bear hug.

[Gray's Mommy]

My 2 1/2 year old normally tantrums on a regular basis. First, I try NOT to flip out Second, I try to figure out why he is doing it...hunger, tired, just had enough, needs to be alone for a bit, etc. Third, I let him have his fit, where ever it is (that is safe & within reason). I just kind of speak to him in my regular tone & let him know that he needs to calm down so we can figure out what the problem is. Half the time it works, half the time it doesn't.

What drives me insane is when he starts hitting me when he gets mad. We are working on that, but it is a SLOW, LONG end to the road.

[valerie mom of 4]

Originally Posted by Gray's Mommy

My 2 1/2 year old normally tantrums on a regular basis. First, I try NOT to flip out Second, I try to figure out why he is doing it...hunger, tired, just had enough, needs to be alone for a bit, etc. Third, I let him have his fit, where ever it is (that is safe & within reason). I just kind of speak to him in my regular tone & let him know that he needs to calm down so we can figure out what the problem is. .

I do the same thing with DS. Depending on what the reason behind the tantrum is, I either let him calm down and then we talk or I go over and I give him a big hug and try to calm him down. One of those 2 normally work

[DiasMumma]

I'm just loosing it these days. dd is 2.5 yrs old. I used to be really good about it before now. I would just hold her in a hug before, but now we're both not budging. Most of the tantrums are due to dd not drinking water. So when she asks to "cook" (mix dry pasta and spices in her cookware), I'll ask her to drink water first. We have a complete melt down "No water, no water." She just screams that on top of her lungs, and I just have to stand my ground and say "No cooking, no cooking." I try to be creative with the water thing by getting her to eat watermelon, but we even had a tantrum about that this morning. She said she wanted to cut the watermelon with her blunt knife. I tried explaining there was no way that watermelon was going to cut with that. I told her let me cut you a slice and then you can go at it with your little knife. Ohhh Noooo. She started throwing her temper tantrum and I just stood there ready to cry. I feel like she'll get dehydrated.

Also, we didn't have as many tantrums before she was 2. They were once in a blue moon. And now that she has a huge vocabulary, we're having more issues than ever. I think she's just strong headed, and I'm trying to research on how to deal with a strong headed child. I'm trying not to loose it, but it's hard to do.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by DiasMumma

We have a complete melt down "No water, no water." She just screams that on top of her lungs, and I just have to stand my ground and say "No cooking, no cooking." I try to be creative with the water thing by getting her to eat watermelon, but we even had a tantrum about that this morning. She said she wanted to cut the watermelon with her blunt knife. I tried explaining there was no way that watermelon was going to cut with that. I told her let me cut you a slice and then you can go at it with your little knife. Ohhh Noooo.

I know that's the other thing or basically part of the tantrum that has me stressed out is the NO. We have to go to a play date or a toddler prog. she doesn't want to get out of her nightdress or change her diaper. She is not screaming or crying, she is just holding her ground saying NO. And will start running away if I even attempt to try. It's me who is talking loud and it would look like I am throwing a tantrum. Then of course she doesn't want me to comb her hair and put on her shoes...

[WinterPearl]

Originally Posted by DiasMumma

I feel like she'll get dehydrated.

Sorry if I'm butting in and off of the main topic but have you tried watering down stuff that she likes to drink? Maybe even start adding in more water gradually and less juice untill she is used to and somewhat enjoys water. My DS has just recently started throwing fits when he sees that I am only putting water in his cup and not juice. He'll be 2 1/2 next month and does not like anyone to bother him when he has one of his tantrums but they never really get bad, he just pretends to throw himself on the floor and cries, yells a little.
I always add half water to DSs juice, and if it's a really hot day throw ice in everything that they drink.

[DiasMumma]

Originally Posted by Neera

I know that's the other thing or basically part of the tantrum that has me stressed out is the NO. We have to go to a play date or a toddler prog. she doesn't want to get out of her nightdress or change her diaper. She is not screaming or crying, she is just holding her ground saying NO. And will start running away if I even attempt to try. It's me who is talking loud and it would look like I am throwing a tantrum. Then of course she doesn't want me to comb her hair and put on her shoes...

Thank you for sharing this. We've had this issue too. Now I just remind her that we are going to see her friends, and name her friends. She will usually co-operate after that. It's not like you can pin them down at this age and force them to get ready because they know how to take it off too. Yep, you're right, I do feel like the crazy parent. I cried this evening because when I went upstairs, I left her with her dad and he let her play with play-doh (I don't have an issue with play-doh). She was using one of her tools like a grater and she grated the play-doh. If play-doh isn't picked up properly, it ends up everywhere and is so hard to get out of carpet. After she was done, I decided to clean it up, and she cried her eyes out. I tried to explain that she already had it on her pants and it was making a mess. She cried and I felt like such a bad mom, I just cried.

Originally Posted by WinterPearl

Sorry if I'm butting in and off of the main topic but have you tried watering down stuff that she likes to drink? Maybe even start adding in more water gradually and less juice untill she is used to and somewhat enjoys water.

I did add water to her juice this evening. I only give her orange juice with calcium at night if she hasn't had her 3 servings of calcium. She said the color wasn't yellow. But she drank most of it. We do tea party with water and she hasn't had an issue before. Now all I get is, "no water, no water." After I cried this evening, I decided that I had to out smart my 2 1/2 yr old. Thanks!

[momma_unlimited]

DiasMumma-

After reading your post, my thoughts were (and I have been in your position)- just don't have any beverages but water in the house for a while. Calcium fortified juice is inferior, anything "fortified" is lacking the nutrient complex that only nature can endow a food with, a whole food not processed (juiced, concentrated, pasteurized, etc)... I don't think you need to worry about it so much, I believe the good feelings you maintain with your daughter will be more important than regulating what she eats/drinks- which will probably only create an unhealthy attitude in her where food/drink is about control. The idea you expressed about "outsmarting her" too, I think will diminish the quality of your relationship, in that it places you at odds in a way...

And on the topic of two year old tantrums in general-

I am loving them! I have opened myself up to my 2 yr old in a way that I no longer choose to perceive him as defiant, stubborn, or anything negative- he is, developmentally, having a very difficult time integrating the wild world of emotions and thought in his very small, very inexperienced body! How frustrated would I be if I were so small and all the bigger people around me seemed to control so much of my life, extinguish so many opportunities for self-expression and exploration... loving him through it and helping him find the HUMOR in life are what keep us connected. Yesterday as he threw himself on my feet screaming and flailing while I did dishes because of some mishap, I told him I was afraid little monsters had grabbed hold of my feet- they might BITE me! And this struck him as hilarious and he tried to bite my ankles, so I ran around the kitchen running from the feet biting monsters until he caught me, threw his arms around me and gave me a bear hug. Not to suggest that will work with all children- but I think most of them have a personality bent which makes a certain approach work well and we must just be detectives... with this child of mine, humor is it... during this difficult part of his life we go out less often, I even find that my own concern for my self-image (what other people will think of how my children behave) hurts my ability to mother them to my greatest degree- so we don't go out much! We are happier that way, we consume less, it is just for a time. Embrace it- it is such a fascinating part of watching your child grow and I swear, the first time around with DS1 my reactions to him were frustration, opposition, battle of the will, "you will not get your way"- all of which contributed to very negative dynamics in our relationship that I hope I will be able to work through, they are still not resolved- he is passive-aggressive and obviously does not trust me to provide for his needs. DS2 is in love with me, always wants to be with me, do chores with me, believes I can meet every need he has and make any booboo all better, it is just so different and wonderful to embrace him, tantrums and all, to accept him as wonderful and not simply "being tolerated through this stage"... ultimately, if I was going through a rough patch- depression, anger, feeling overwhelmed, feeling afraid- I would want someone to cherish me and remain optimistic yet empathetic... if I felt they thought my life stage was a burden/frustration to them, I would automatically be less inclined to trust them with who I was, to feel at odds...

[crwilson]

I'm in the middle of the tantrums, and some days I feel like we tantrum more than anything else! It can be frustrating, for sure. I'm an INFP, and I don't know if that explains my reaction, but the noise...it's like someone's scraping her fingers down a giant chalkboard. It really unnerves me. I so wish that I could approach it with humor!

What I do, usually, is let her get her anger out in a safe place and then when she's ready offer her a "special hug." The special hug is a term she came up with, and whenever she's feeling insecure, or sad, or vulnerable, she asks for a special hug. She does sometimes really need time alone, and so I'll tuck her under a blanket and let her snuggle with her animals if she wants to do so. Getting away from whatever it is (the offending cup, the knives that she can't run around with, the street that she has to hold my hand to cross) helps, a lot. Sometimes that's not possible, though. And, sometimes, despite my best intentions, I just start crying with her because I'm so tired of everything being a battle.

[heathermarie73]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

DiasMumma-

I am loving them! I have opened myself up to my 2 yr old in a way that I no longer choose to perceive him as defiant, stubborn, or anything negative- he is, developmentally, having a very difficult time integrating the wild world of emotions and thought in his very small, very inexperienced body! How frustrated would I be if I were so small and all the bigger people around me seemed to control so much of my life, extinguish so many opportunities for self-expression and exploration... loving him through it and helping him find the HUMOR in life are what keep us connected. Yesterday as he threw himself on my feet screaming and flailing while I did dishes because of some mishap, I told him I was afraid little monsters had grabbed hold of my feet- they might BITE me! And this struck him as hilarious and he tried to bite my ankles, so I ran around the kitchen running from the feet biting monsters until he caught me, threw his arms around me and gave me a bear hug. Not to suggest that will work with all children- but I think most of them have a personality bent which makes a certain approach work well and we must just be detectives... with this child of mine, humor is it... during this difficult part of his life we go out less often, I even find that my own concern for my self-image (what other people will think of how my children behave) hurts my ability to mother them to my greatest degree- so we don't go out much! We are happier that way, we consume less, it is just for a time. Embrace it- it is such a fascinating part of watching your child grow and I swear, the first time around with DS1 my reactions to him were frustration, opposition, battle of the will, "you will not get your way"- all of which contributed to very negative dynamics in our relationship that I hope I will be able to work through, they are still not resolved- he is passive-aggressive and obviously does not trust me to provide for his needs. DS2 is in love with me, always wants to be with me, do chores with me, believes I can meet every need he has and make any booboo all better, it is just so different and wonderful to embrace him, tantrums and all, to accept him as wonderful and not simply "being tolerated through this stage"... ultimately, if I was going through a rough patch- depression, anger, feeling overwhelmed, feeling afraid- I would want someone to cherish me and remain optimistic yet empathetic... if I felt they thought my life stage was a burden/frustration to them, I would automatically be less inclined to trust them with who I was, to feel at odds...

This is very helpful. I am definately going through this and trying to get away from what you went through with your first and try the techniques you are using with your second. I find that other people's opinions and advice can definately drive a wedge through your relationship, if not ruin it. I am very upset at the way people have been reacting to my son and my parenting, but their approach has worked because it has made me do things that I regret, including things like "you will not get your way". It has caused problems between ds and I, but he is still young and I am determined to ignore others and help him through this stage in the way he deserves. When I look back on the things I regret it is all caused by other people's advice that I have unwillingly, subconciously taken in. I greatly appreciate your post. Thank you

[momma_unlimited]

I am very upset at the way people have been reacting to my son and my parenting, but their approach has worked because it has made me do things that I regret, including things like "you will not get your way". It has caused problems between ds and I, but he is still young and I am determined to ignore others and help him through this stage in the way he deserves.

It seems to be such a fine line between having an oppositional attitude of "if you act like that I won't give you your way" towards a tantrum, vs a centered "screaming and trying to hurt me will not persuade me to do something I have already decided not to do." I don't want to treat my son like he's trying to manipulate me when I don't "give in" to tantrum demands; but I do want to teach him, by modeling, how to stand up to negative pressure from those who put pressure on you (whether or not their motives are positive or not) to do things you don't want to do. I don't want him to think he has power over me, nor that I have power over him. I don't want him to think relationships have anything to do with controlling; relationships work optimally when each person exhibits self control to act in accord with each other's best interests. I guess I do see myself as an authority- but this authority is born of experience, responsibility, love- and ultimately out of my child's own choice since I believe he chose me to be a mother/guide (not that he has nothing to teach me- on the contrary!), so while we are equals in worth, I do have the final say and will not budge due to tears and screams if his requests or demands are contary to my intuition or common sense...

[Neera]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

DiasMumma-



I am loving them! I have opened myself up to my 2 yr old in a way that I no longer choose to perceive him as defiant, stubborn, or anything negative- he is, developmentally, having a very difficult time integrating the wild world of emotions and thought in his very small, very inexperienced body! How frustrated would I be if I were so small and all the bigger people around me seemed to control so much of my life, extinguish so many opportunities for self-expression and exploration... loving him through it and helping him find the HUMOR in life are what keep us connected. Yesterday as he threw himself on my feet screaming and flailing while I did dishes because of some mishap, I told him I was afraid little monsters had grabbed hold of my feet- they might BITE me! And this struck him as hilarious and he tried to bite my ankles, so I ran around the kitchen running from the feet biting monsters until he caught me, threw his arms around me and gave me a bear hug. Not to suggest that will work with all children- but I think most of them have a personality bent which makes a certain approach work well and we must just be detectives... with this child of mine, humor is it... during this difficult part of his life we go out less often, I even find that my own concern for my self-image (what other people will think of how my children behave) hurts my ability to mother them to my greatest degree- so we don't go out much! We are happier that way, we consume less, it is just for a time. Embrace it- it is such a fascinating part of watching your child grow and I swear, the first ...

Thanks. Your advice instantly changed the way I deal with her and that instantly made her respond differently. But, I think taking her out is important for her since she has always had stranger anxiety, (from as little as 3 months) and I have been doing my best to take her out as much as I can. So far so good, but let's see how I handle it when we are time bound.

[macro_grp02]

The tantrums could also be that the kids has something in the diet that makes him or her do that. You could check with the pedia. Playdates could also be nice

[DiasMumma]

Momma Unlimited -

Thanks for your advice. I also talked to a friend who has a masters in child psych. Not for the tantrums, but for myself. I could just feel that I haven't been myself for the past month. I've been loosing it easily. Things that never bothered me before were just getting on my nerves. I could just sense that something was off with my hormones. My acne has been worse that of a teenager lately. She advised me to take Omega-3. Due to my daughter's allergies to fish (I'm still nursing), I can't take fish oil, but I can take flax seed. I added it to my diet last night and this morning. Knock on wood, I'm feeling much better. Before my daughter and I would sing the "Don't worry, be happy" song. For the last month, instead of singing the song, I've been loosing it. As for the water, I've backed off. She doesn't drink the amount I would like her to, but she's drinking on her own.. especially when she sees the hummingbird coming at the feeder. I don't keep any juice around the house except for Simply Orange with Calcium. She only gets that when she doesn't take in her 3 servings of calcium. She likes the color purple and she saw a grape Pedialyte in the fridge and told me she wanted "purple water." She had a few sips of her "purple water," and I'm just accepting it as it is. No forcing, just having fun together like we were a few months ago. I no longer care about the messy kitchen. When you let go of things, it takes this huge burden off of you. I've also told my husband that I need some time to myself.. something I haven't had in over 2 1/2 years. I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy last night and decided not to rush home. It's a bunch of factors that have been making me loose it lately, and I was blaming my lil one for being misbehaved. Hopefully, things will be as great as they have been starting this morning. I've noticed that I haven't been loosing it even with her repetition, and my dd can repeat forever. I love her and it's a beautiful day.

[zansmama]

handling tantrums: lots of mama milk.

the minute I sensed one coming on, i would just plop down and nurse ds until he felt better (usually just a few minutes). Who can scream with a boob in their mouth?

Also, singing songs for transitions (specific songs for specific activities)... and telling rather than asking.
I have seen ds's responses to both, even seconds apart:

"do you want to go to the store with mama?"
" NO!! Waaaah!"

...

"Time to go to the store! Let's get your shoes on!"
"okay. what are we getting at the store?"

Sometimes, I think it's easier for him when he can see that I make the decisions, he doesn't have to worry/ choose. He of course gets more choices as he gets older, but limiting choices for toddlers seems to keep things simpler. ( "here's your snack!" vs "do you want an apple or a banana?")