On NOT calling the midwife

[cymbeline]

Ok, I know this is totally last minute seeing as I am 38.5 weeks along, lol, but I think we're a go on the UC!

This is my fourth, and I have always wanted a UC. My ex was totally not comfortable with it for the first two deliveries, so I let go and luckily had an awesome, low-intervention mw. I had a new mw for #3, but not the low-intervention birth I hoped for.

It seems the stars are all lining up this time. I have had a MW throughout for prenatal care (although it has mostly consisted of us getting together for coffee since we're old friends, lol), but she is out of town until right before my EDD. Her backup lives an hour away, and I tend to have fast labors.

I have been talking UC to DH a lot, and he admitted he is nervous but totally okay with it (but he really wants someone here to help clean up after, LOL!). At first it was like, well, we might not have a choice with the mw out of town! But now we're both feeling confident about the whole process, about the naturalness and sacredness and intimacy of it all.

Ok, so here's my biggest concern: I tend to go into active labor very suddenly and my first feelings are often fear and panic. Every single time, I have always said, "Call the midwife!" to my partner, even though I had every intention of birthing alone as much as possible. I'm worried that I will cave in once again and say, "Call the midwife," even though deep down I want a UC and truly believe it is the right thing to do. Or that my DH will feel panicky and want to call the mw.

Any suggestions? I'm meditating daily, asking my baby to tell me what he wants. I've told him that I will surrender the birth to him so that he can come out any way he wants, and I will do my best to honor his wishes (UC or not). And I'm reading as much positive UC stuff as I can to help boost my confidence!! Anything else??

[Gray's Mommy]

You'll have to sit down & talk to your DH about the possibility of you saying that & what HE wants to do at that point. Maybe run through some senarios to make sure he doesn't panic if you are panicking.

Does your midwife still expect payment if you don't call her? I know she is on holiday, but my midwife's contract states that any birth after 36 weeks full payment is expected--no matter what the situation is. I totally agree...she cleared her calendar to attend my birth.

[Marlet]

I'd suggest coming up with a code phrase/word for that first chunk of time. You'd obviously need to set a time frame....maybe do something like the first 2 hours (thats a decent buffer zone) if you really want the midwife there you could say something like, "We should have a party....call the midwife!" (or something ). That way if you are serious your spouse will know it and you won't just be adding the word(s) really and I'm serious to the phrase (which in my mind WILL trigger some form of panic/anxiety etc.).

[channelofpeace]

Originally Posted by Marlet

I'd suggest coming up with a code phrase/word for that first chunk of time. You'd obviously need to set a time frame....maybe do something like the first 2 hours (thats a decent buffer zone) if you really want the midwife there you could say something like, "We should have a party....call the midwife!" (or something ). That way if you are serious your spouse will know it and you won't just be adding the word(s) really and I'm serious to the phrase (which in my mind WILL trigger some form of panic/anxiety etc.).

I agree about the code phrase. I didn't want to transfer just because I told my husband in a moment of panic that I wanted drugs or I didn't want to do this anymore. So I told him that unless I conveyed that I needed "medical assistance", just talk me down.

[Marlet]

It's a good idea to have one anyhow I think. I transfered in with DD1 (for pain killer) and wish so very badly I hadn't. Now that I've figured out how I labour/birth I realize she was about to be born. I panicked though and told DH I wanted to go in and so we went in. With DD2 I got to that same point and was saying "I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want" and luckily had DH pretty damn confused by that so he couldn't throw me in the car.

[cymbeline]

Thank you! And yes, my mw will get paid either way. She also provides post-partum care through 12 weeks, which is really nice since we don't otherwise do any pede/well-baby visits or anything.

Hm, now to come up with some kind of code word/phrase...

[paphia]

Do you want your mw/friend to be there if she comes back into town before you go into labor? Is it the back-up mw you don't feel comfortable calling?

[Earth Momma]

Dh and I talk about this a lot.......he know that if (when) I say oh its too much or I can't handle it etc. that 1) it may be transition and he will remind me how close we are to the prize and 2) bargin with me for 30 mins or 15 or 1 hour what ever works at the time

if you go fast and say call the MW, DH can ask to wait 1 hour before calling and them remind you how close to the end you may be!! and how great you're doing!!!

do you have any birth mantras that may help you through it??

good luck

[flapjack]

My last two, we've considered not calling. With DD, the period out of prodromal labour and into real labour was so rough that I needed the drugs (seriously) and the only way of getting to the entonox was the midwife. She walked through the door, labour stalled, baby exploded out 3 contractions (and a few hours) later. My instinct to call her was right, in that DD was born with a nuchal hand and Sandra got her out without any tearing- not, perhaps, the only factor, but it was right for us that she were there.
Then with DS3, my waters broke and I KNEW it was going to be OK and a smooth and easy birth. And it was. Hurt like hell, but I didn't get the secondguessing at all.

[cymbeline]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Then with DS3, my waters broke and I KNEW it was going to be OK and a smooth and easy birth. And it was. Hurt like hell, but I didn't get the secondguessing at all.

That's what I'm hoping for -- that I don't feel the urge to call in the first place. DH and I have agreed that if I say, "Something is wrong," then I mean what I say, and backup may be needed. I don't say things like that unless the mama instinct has kicked in (if I add "What if" to the beginning of that sentence, then he knows to provide support instead of calling!). But I'm feeling really, really good about this baby, pregnancy, and delivery right now. This has been a beautiful pregnancy, and I believe this will be a smooth transition to the other side!

[clovergirl]

you could also just call the midwife when labor begins and say just that- you're now in labor. not "come right now", but a heads up so that they can plan their day accordingly. this is what we did, we called to let them know labor had started and that we'd call back when things got heavy. one of my MW had school age kids and i wanted to make sure she had enough time to get childcare in order. plus in my mind, it meant that they wouldn't be fumbling to get here quickly afterwards thinking they "missed" the birth. does that make sense?
one MW wound up calling to check in a couple hours after we called to say labor had begun... my previous homebirth had been 3hrs start to finish so they were expecting another quick birth. when my DH was on the phone with her my water broke (which i announced so loudly they heard!). at that point she said they were packing their things up and heading over. one MW arrived 15min after the birth, the other 10min after that. so it worked out exactly how i had wanted. i got to labor and birth unassisted, and then had help with checking us both over and clean up. best of both worlds, for me at least!